Chapter 11: Why can't I resist her?
Do you know what the definition of 'resist' is? Resist - To remain firm against the actions, effects, or force of; withstand, to keep from giving in to or enjoying. To have control. Which is all what I'm trying to do right now, but it's not working out too well.
"okay, so?" she says like it's no big deal. "so what if Megan told you I'm in love with you?... was in love with you… what ever."
Okay, so Meg must have skipped that part, because I would have definitely remembered if she had said love or not. But it's how I react to it that determines it all. I could freak out and tell her I didn't know that she 'loved' me, or I could just go along with it and say I knew it all along. But the thing is, if I choose to go along with it, what does it mean to me? Does it mean I love her back? It can't. I mean I've only kissed her a few select times and I slept with her once.
But I have to remind myself, I kissed her once for black mail and went back again… because I wanted to.
"well which is it? Love… or loved?" I ask saying it slowly, because I don't really want to have to repeat it.
"does it really matter?"
"yes!" I'm quick to reply.
"why?"
"because maybe it determines how I feel about you…" I say awkwardly.
"okay… so what if I said I was over you?" she asks curiously.
"oh no, no, no, no" I quickly deny her. "no what ifs… I'm not going to answer to both scenarios. So which is it?"
"both I guess" she replies honestly. Well played. "I mean how do you ever get over someone you love, if you've never truly been given the opportunity to love them and be loved back?"
"so then what are you saying?" I ask, not actually expecting an answer. "what if I gave you the opportunity, would you jump at it?"
"oh no, no, no, no" she quickly mocks me. "no what ifs" she tells me with a slight smile on her face.
"funny" I reply sarcastically. I find it incredibly mind blowing that Spencer could be so open about her feelings towards me, all while keeping her quick wit. Not many people can do that. It's like with every second that goes by she amazes me more and more. That's one of the reasons I told her:
"well maybe I have feelings for you too… maybe I'm in love with you too…"
"maybe?" she questions my choice of words.
"maybe" I confirm.
"oh well see, I'm Spencer Carlin. I don't do maybes"
"oh but you choose to be in love with me and over me at the same time?" I ask seriously.
"indecisiveness is not the same as maybe" she replies.
"in this world it is" I inform her.
"well the fact that my head is telling me no, but my heart is screaming yes, is not a 'maybe'. It's saying that I want to be with you so badly but I can't! It's saying that being in love with you is so totally wrong, but I so desperately want it to be right. It's saying-"
"-it's saying a lot of shit" I cut her off. "but it's doing absolutely nothing! Spencer you can't keep thinking everything through! For once in your life you have to be impulsive and just follow your heart!"
"I did! Last night!" she reminds me… in a loud tone.
"yeah, and all it took was a few bottles of liquor" I add.
"well what do you expect from me Ashley? I can't be the popular head cheerleader who's also a lesbian! I just can't!"
"yes you can!" I yell. "but you have to make it that way! You have to do something about it, or it will never change!"
"then why didn't you do something about it?!" she yells and I suddenly can't think. "from what you've told me and from what I've heard, you were me 2 years ago! But you chickened out!"
"no, I didn't!" I yell back.
"that's why you gave up and joined the reject group" she states, only angering me further.
"For your fucking information, I didn't give up, I told everyone who I was and chose to leave the so called popular kids. I just couldn't comprehend what they stood for. And finally, one day I realized they stood for absolutely nothing. All they did was stand there and looked pretty. I realized I was so much better than them on so many levels"
"so what? You think you're better than me?" she asks, taking offence to everything I'm saying.
"no. I think you are better than you. I think that you're hiding underneath some façade pretending to be someone you're not. I mean take your family for example! They know you're gay, but you're friends don't? You know something's got to be fucked up if that's what it's come to"
"my friends and my sexuality have nothing to do with this"
"it has everything to do with this!" I exclaim. "if you're friends knew you were gay you would have absolutely no trouble saying you were in love with me!"
"no!" she yells seriously. "that isn't true!"
"isn't it!?"
"my friends don't have jurisdiction in my life like that!"
"sure they don't" I reply sarcastically, knowing it's just egging her on at this point.
"fine! I love you! Are you happy? I still love you! I loved before I dated Meg, I love you while I dated Meg and I still love you!" she says all by herself. And it's like as soon as she's finished yelling at the top of her lungs the car goes silent. The quiet is almost deafening because it's so sudden. So it gives me the opportunity to think. She's everything I wanted in a girl. A girl who's not afraid to yell back at me, not afraid to stand up to me, a girl who doesn't need me to tell her what to think. And I come to a conclusion, so I break the silence with words of my own.
"… I love you too" I reply softly.
……………………
The car ride was relatively quiet after that. I mean things just became so awkward and I had no idea where the hell we stood. I mean she loves me, I love her. So then what now? That fact that the words have been spoken change nothing about the circles we hang out in. Just like before she still has her friends and I still have mine. And it is still one of the seven deadly sins to like each other, let alone, love each other.
I drive her back to school knowing that all of the girls are getting dropped off there by the bus so that their parents can pick them up. Of course since we left before the bus, we arrived before the bus. I park in an empty spot in the school parking lot and we both get out of the car. I hand Spencer her bag and lean on the car as Spencer spots her parents and gives them a little wave, but doesn't take off yet.
"so… thanks for saving me from a bunch of pissed off cheerleaders" she says, and it's the first words she's spoken in an hour.
"anytime…" I reply. She's about to turn around and head home when I stop her. "Spencer, where does this leave us?" I ask. I was never one for not being forward in conversations.
"I… I don't know…" she shakes her head. "where do you think it leaves us?"
"I'd like to think it leaves us closer together" I reply and out of the corner of my eye I can see Spencer's mom watching us. She's totally waiting for us to kiss. I swear, she's probably one of those match maker moms.
"I would like to think that too. But it doesn't"
"well maybe it does… but maybe none of our friends would know" I say hinting towards something and I think she knows what.
"are you saying what I think you're saying?" she asks with a raised eye brow.
"how the fuck should I know? I'm not in your head" I reply jokingly, earning a small laugh out of her.
"well it sounds like to me, that you want to be closer, even if it means no one else knows" she guesses.
"I guess that's the distance I go for love…" I tell her.
"well I guess that's the distance I go for love too…" she tells me.
"can I call you?" I ask.
"sure, but the better question is 'will you call me?'." She replies with her quick wit. Have I told you how much that wit of hers amazes me?
"better yet why don't you come over for dinner!" Paula yells out from 30 feet away. And both Spencer and I start laughing.
"my mom has super hearing" she admits jokingly. "so what do you say? You hungry?" she asks while stifling an ever so stylish yawn.
"how about a rain check. You look like you could use some sleep before school tomorrow" I suggest.
"Are you sure?"
"yeah" I reply.
"alright" she says with a small smile. "call me" she says with a wink.
"I will"
And with that Spencer turned around to go home with her mom, while I went to my large empty house. Scratch that. By the time I got back I was just in time to see Aiden dropping off Kyla.
"hey" I say.
"hey" she says back as I open the door and we both enter. "so are you going to tell me what happened or what?" she asks.
"what are you talking about?" I ask as I don't even stop for her, I just continue the venture up to my room.
"I'm talking about how Meg didn't go home with you, but instead decided to tag along with us!" I guess that's how she got home. I really should talk to her, but I really don't want to.
"uh, we just had a fight. I'll talk to her later" I say and enter my room, closing the door behind me so Kyla can't come in. As soon as I'm in I flop down onto my bed and crawl under the covers. The last time I was in a bed I didn't get any sleep. But then again the last time I was in a bed I had a gorgeous girl beside me.
…………
ah, nothing says a nice nights sleep like 12 consecutive hours of no interruptions. I look at the clock and it's already 6:00am, usually that'd be really early for me but I think I've had enough sleep. I silently exit my room and make my way down the hall to where Kyla is still sleeping I enter her room and quickly steal her phone. I know she has Spencer's cell phone number.
As soon as I copy down the number into my phone I send Spencer a text message.
'Morning beautiful – Ash'
Since I'm sure she's not awake yet I put my phone down on my table and went to take a shower. By the time I had gotten back I saw I already had a new message. Gee, I wonder who it could be from.
'Right back at ya' Spencer texts back.
Instead of spending all my money on text messaging I decided to call her, at least I know she's awake.
"hey" she answers in a scratchy-early-morning voice. Love those.
"hey, get enough sleep last night?"
"oh, lots." She replies. "but I have to admit, I do miss the night we spent together"
"I bet you do" I say slyly.
"not just that" she says like it's obvious. "I had fun talking to you that night"
"Spencer, all you did was tell me your secrets, and that's only because you were drunk."
"well maybe we should spend another night together and you could… tell me all of your secrets" she proposes.
"secrets? I don't have any secrets" I lie through my teeth.
"everyone has secrets" she says.
"everyone also has regrets, but no one talks about those"
"hm, that's because talking about regrets is depressing" she counters.
"that is so true, but I just wanted to distract you from the fact you want to extract revenge on me for knowing all of your secrets" I say making her laugh a little.
"well I have to say you did an excellent job. Because for all of 6 seconds I completely forgot about wanting to know all your secrets"
"6 seconds? Damn, I need to work on my distraction skills"
"well maybe after school today you can practice your distraction skills on me"
"after school? Don't you have cheerleading?" I ask.
"we're taking the week off since we just finished the competition. Plus, I still think some of the girls are a little angry at me."
"okay so then how about after school we can come back to my place"
"Kyla won't mind?"
"don't worry, Kyla's usually busy with Aiden after school"
"okay sounds good. But I still want to hear your secrets" she says, catching on to my master plan.
"damn, and I was doing so good. What was that? Like 15 seconds?"
"something like that" she says with a small chuckle. "so listen I better start getting ready for school. I've got to look my best, you know I have a reputation to uphold"
"… or maybe you're trying to impress a certain hot brunette" I hint at.
"please, I've never even thought of Madison that way" she says jokingly.
"that's hilarious" I say sarcastically.
"I thought so" she says with a hearty laugh.
"alright, well go get hot for me" I say not even realizing the double meaning. "… and then get ready for school"
"maybe I will" she says slyly. "bye Ash"
"bye Spence" I say and hang up the phone. And might I add I do so with a smile. Not because I'm hanging up on her, but because I'm happy. It's been a long time since I've been happy. Actually, it's been a long time since I've been this happy.
…………………
By the time I arrived to school and took a seat down with my friends I finally realized my best friend still hates me. And yes it is my fault, but I have no idea what to do to fix things.
Fuck, I haven't even seen Megan today. "hey do you guys know where Meg is?" I ask the group of people I'm sitting with. Most of them shake their head in response… most of them.
"she's sick today" Stephanie responds. "she probably caught some STD from all the girls you slept with this weekend" she says teasingly.
"find anyone worth sleeping with more than once?" Charlie asks, and I can only think back to the girl I had an amazing night with.
"maybe one girl" I say not giving away too much information.
"anyone we know?" Charlie asks.
"… nah, she goes to some school out in the middle of nowhere, but what ever"
"and Meg?"
"I think she's having ex-girlfriend issues" I reply.
"ex-girlfriend?" Steph asks.
"uh…" before I can make up another excuse the morning bell rings, signalling all students to go to homeroom. Maybe I should just skip and figure things out with Meg first. I'm about to walk off campus and back to my car when I spot a certain blonde eyeing me.
I see her separate from her friends and I hold back from leaving right now. As soon as all the students are in class Spencer and I are left alone in an empty hallway.
"looking pretty hot there" I say taking a step closer to her.
"really? Do you think Madison will like it?" she asks jokingly.
"hm, not sure, but I know this hot brunette does" I reply as I take another step closer and put my hands on her waist. She let's her hands sit on my waist as she leans back against the lockers behind her.
"well good, because I was actually just trying to impress you" she whispers.
"really?" I ask fakely. "I would have never guessed"
"yeah well, I knew you weren't that smart"
"hey! I'll have you know I pulled off an 87 in art last semester"
"Ashley, sweetie? That was art class. It's one of the few classes where it doesn't require you to memorize information"
"I know… that's why I got an 87" I say making the both of us laugh.
"so listen, do you want to spend our free period together in the library?"
"well I was thinking more in the back of my car, but the library is kinky too" I say slyly.
"no" she says giving me a little slap on the arm. "I kind of wanted to talk to you about the election"
Oh fuck the election! I totally forgot about that. Crap, I still have to do all that shit for it too. I need to stop swearing so much. What ever, I give myself permission to swear in situations like these. Maybe I should just drop out of the competition. It's stupid anyways.
"earth to Ashley" Spencer says waving her hands in front of my face.
"yeah sorry. Deep thinking going on in this mind of mine"
"so that's what's in there?" she asks teasingly as she grabs onto my head and starts moving it around and tapping on it jokingly.
"okay, okay, very funny" I say taking her hands back in mine. "so free period? The back of the library?"
"I'll see you there" she says and stands up straight. I'm about to lean in and kiss her – you know, really kiss her for the first time since we've been together – when the bell rings signalling home room's over. We quickly push apart as a flood of students make their way into the hall way.
"bye" she mouths to me and starts walking off down the hall. I see her turn around subtly just before meeting with her friends and she gives me a quick wink. What is this girl doing to me? Actually, a better question would be what was I doing before seeing Spencer again? Oh well. I should probably get to class.
……….
By third period, my free period, I finally remembered what I was going to do. Go see Megan. Which I think is pretty important, don't you? More important than seeing Spencer right now. But I should still tell her.
I head to the back of the library just as planned to see the blonde I've been awaiting all morning.
"hey" I say taking a seat beside her, right in the corner of the library.
"hey" she replies.
"so listen I don't think I can st-" I say but I'm cut off by the feeling of her hand on my thigh.
"sorry what were you saying?" she asks with a smirk as she lets her hand run wild on my leg and her lips attach to my neck.
"Spencer, what are you doing? We're in the library" I tell her and I try to push her away, but I notice my hands and arms aren't working. The things this girl does to me…
"oh, I know" she says as she continues her ministrations.
"you can't wait until after school?" I ask.
"not really"
"Well look, I was actually… going to go… see someone" I try to say, but my breathing seems to be a problem right now.
"no you weren't" she corrects me. "you were going to stay here and spend time with me"
"I was, was I?"
"I believe so…" she says and only kisses my neck harder. Oh god…
"yeah… okay" I say as I start kissing her neck now. Damn, what was I doing before? Oh well.
I just can't seem to resist this girl. And I'm okay with it.