A/N I worked and worked at this to get it ready to post tonight as promised. Enjoy!
P.S. Some of you are too smart for your own good ;o)
Faith Chapter 11 - Hold My Heart
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?
"What is it?" Lisbon asked, needing to know.
"Preeclampsia." Bethany blurted out. "You're showing textbook symptoms. Everything from your headaches to your nausea can be explained with this."
"What is preeclampsia?" Jane asked.
"Basically, it's a fancy word for hypertension. It's categorized by a BP that is 140/90 or higher." Bethany explained. "Protein in the urine is another sure sign of preeclampsia which is why I ran a urine sample."
"Many people have high blood pressure though right?" Jane argued. "It's not that uncommon so it can't be that big of a deal can it?"
Lisbon just listened to the conversation between Bethany and Jane, incapable of forming words at the moment.
Bethany continued "The problem with preeclampsia is that it only gets worse. The condition itself is dangerous but when it is left untreated, blood pressure continues to rise and can lead to even more serious conditions such as full blown eclampsia or HELLP syndrome both of which are potentially fatal to mother and baby."
"You said if it is left untreated." Jane pointed out.
Bethany nodded. "Yes. You see, in the simplest terms, preeclampsia's cause lies in the placenta and while the mother can still experience symptoms for up to a week after delivery, most patients see a drastic improvement once the placenta is out of the picture."
"So what you're saying," Jane concluded, "Is that the only cure for this condition is to deliver the baby?"
"That is correct." Bethany confirmed.
"But I'm only twenty weeks pregnant." Lisbon finally found her voice.
"Yes." Bethany now looked down at the floor. "You're still at least four weeks away from the earliest possible point of viability."
They understood what Bethany was telling them at that moment and the reality tore open their hearts anew. Lisbon leaned foreward in her chair, placed her elbows on the desk in front of her and lowered her head in her hands, defeated. Jane gently rubbed her back but he wasn't about to give in so easily.
"There has to be something we can do. Another option." Jane insisted.
Bethany simply shook her head. "If this was a minor case, I could recommend options that lower the blood pressure etc, but Teresa is already experiencing quite a few alarming symptoms. Prolonging this will be equivalent to signing the death certificate for both Teresa and your child. I'm sorry."
Jane swallowed, out of words and arguments.
"If it helps any, the most likely cause of this is simply that this is your first pregnancy. There's no reason to believe that you won't be able to conceive again and have a completely normal pregnancy the next time around." She knelt down next to where Lisbon was sitting. "Teresa, listen to me. There was nothing you or I could have done to prevent this. It's horrible, I realize that and I don't know two people more deserving to have a child." Bethany went to embrace Lisbon but before she could , Lisbon fell out of her chair into Bethany's arms sobbing with the wave of sadness that swept over her. Jane joined them and Bethany could no longer hold back her own tears. The three of them clung to one another on the cold floor, grieving for the child who would never see the light of day.
.
.
Forty five minutes later, Jane and Lisbon left Bethany's office. Instead of leaving with the percription they had come in for, the couple left with a heavy burden on their shoulders. At 10am the following morning, Lisbon would be coming back in for the procedure that would reduce the Jane family of four to a family of three.
Bethany had offered to drive them home but Jane said they could manage. He spent the drive thinking, of anything he could possibly say to lift his wife's spirits but when his own heart was in shambles, it was difficult to come up with anything positive. Instead, he focused all of his attention on the road and getting them home in one piece.
Sadie greeted them eagerly as they entered the front door but Lisbon hardly noticed. She didn't want to talk or think about anything so she walked straight for her bedroom and shut the door, collapsing on their bed. Thankfully Jane did not follow. He probably needed her just as much as she needed him but for the life of her, Lisbon could not muster the courage to look for him. In her hands, Lisbon clutched the photograph containing the image of her last ultrasound. She lightly traced the outline of the image with her finger. Before leaving the office, Lisbon had requested one final piece of information from Bethany. As the sun set through the windows of her bedroom, Lisbon silently cried herself to sleep, wondering what their life would have been like had she got the chance to raise her baby daughter.
.
.
The house was dark when Lisbon finally emerged from the bedroom and found Jane sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water in his hands. Sadie was lying at his feet. He was sitting so his back was towards her but when his shoulders stiffened; Lisbon knew he was aware of her presence.
"Jane?" She asked softly, her voice cracking with emotion.
He did not answer but she saw him take a large breath, in and out.
"Patrick, please. We need to talk about this."
Without warning, Jane shot up from his chair. He grabbed the glass from the table and hurled it toward the kitchen wall. It smashed on impact not far from the sink and shattered into hundreds of pieces. Sadie began barking but Jane made no move to quiet the dog or apologize for his actions. Truthfully, Lisbon didn't blame him for his sudden outburst. She wasn't feeling very stable at the moment either.
Lisbon was scared but more for Jane than for herself. She made a move to walk towards Sadie when Jane turned to face her. Lisbon wasn't prepared for what she saw in his eyes. Sure, there was the expectant hurt and grief in them but what shocked Lisbon and frightened her to the very core was the anger and pure hate that emanated through his ocean eyes. Grabbing Sadie's collar, Lisbon involuntarily took a step back.
"Jane? What's wrong?" Lisbon asked in a timid voice.
Jane's breathing was in short gasps. To Lisbon, it looked as if he was having a panic attack. "What's wrong?" He finally voiced. "How can you ask me that? How can you possibly not know what is wrong with me?" Jane gripped onto the kitchen counter with all his might. He then started banging his head against the cabinet, lightly at first and then harder. "I…" Bang "…just…" Bang "…can't …" Bang "…do this…" Bang "…anymore."
"Jane! Stop it! You're hurting yourself." Lisbon insisted.
Jane's head lay still against the light wood of the cabinet. "First, Red John kills my wife and my beautiful baby girl and now you're…"
"I'm what? Hurting just like you?" Lisbon took a step closer and reached out to put a hand on Jane's arm but in one swift movement, Jane shoved her away with such force that she landed on the floor in a heap.
"No." Jane said forcefully. "You're going to kill my daughter just like he did."
Lisbon jolted awake in a half-scream. Sweat dipped down her face and she was visibly shaking from the nightmare. She looked down at her hands to realize that it wasn't all a nightmare. She still held the photo and tomorrow still signified the end of a chapter of a book that was never opened. No.
Lisbon got up from her bed determined to find Jane but also still frightened from the nightmare. A quick glance around the first floor showed no sign of him. Sadie was sleeping in her bed near the kitchen door. Then, Lisbon noticed the light coming from the basement. Of course. Quietly, she patted down the stairs into the basement. There, she found him curled up in what looked like a homemade rocking chair. He was sitting in it with his knees drawn up to his chin as he slowly rocked himself. Glancing around, Lisbon also noticed a wooden changing table and the unfinished rails of a crib. So this had been Jane's secret project.
Without making a sound, Lisbon walked up to the chair. Jane didn't look up but he uncurled himself, letting his feet fall back on the ground. Lisbon took that as an invitation as she slid herself onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his heart, lulled by its steady rhythm. Jane returned the embrace and buried his face in Lisbon's hair, inhaling her intoxicating scent. Neither of them spoke or moved for a long time but when they did, it was Lisbon who talked first.
"I can't do it." She began.
"Do what?" Jane asked, clearly unsure as to what Lisbon was referring to.
"Go through with the procedure, abort our child, kill another one of your beautiful daughters." Lisbon answered tearfully.
"Oh, honey." Jane couldn't believe what he was hearing. "None of this is your fault. We're doing what's necessary, to save your life. I know that. You know that. It's our only option."
"No." Lisbon insisted. "I won't let it be. Four weeks. That's all. Bethany said I was four weeks away from the point of viability."
"I understand what you are feeling." Jane said. "Really, I do but we're not going to discuss this any further. There's no way we're going to risk it. I can't lose you too Teresa. The only reason I survived the first time around was because of you. I won't survive a second time around."
"This is our baby we're talking about. I risk my life every day for strangers working with the CBI. They can keep me in the hospital, strap a BP monitor on me 24/7 for all I care. We've survived impossible odds before Jane. I'm asking you to have a little faith in me, to have a little faith in our child."
Jane was visibly shaking at this point. He couldn't believe he was still listening to Lisbon never mind considering the possibility. Surely, if there was any other option, Bethany would have offered it.
"I can't agree with this Lisbon but here's what I can offer you. We'll talk to Bethany early tomorrow before making a final decision. You can bring up your thoughts and if she, as your doctor and friend, thinks we should risk it, I'll consider it. Until then, can we drop it and just enjoy us for the moment."
Lisbon knew he was offering a lot even to say what he had. If the roles were reversed, Lisbon didn't know if she would have had the strength to do the same. She nodded into Jane's chest as he rocked her in the chair. Slowly, she drifted off into a deep and peaceful sleep.
Everyone still ok? You didn't think Jane would really hurt Lisbon did you? nah... please let me know what you're thinking. Love hearing all your thoughts.