John suffered in his own hell. What went on in his head to make him the terrified, anxious person that he is in Season 6 after his heart stopped? Why does he put up such a front and what was that line about going to hell? A little exploration of that…
Murphy POV.
Rage. I see nothing but pure rage as I stare into Bellamy's eyes. He looks afraid. Finally I have gotten this bastard afraid of something. He is always so cocky, so confident. He sleeps with everyone. He shows off. He acts like he is so much better than everyone else because he is older. And at first, did follow him because I thought I could trust him and he just wanted to have some fun and survive like the rest of us.
But not anymore.
No.
Now I hate him.
He's swinging from the noose I made him tie himself. I watch as he struggles, as he holds onto the ropes with his hands. I know I should take him down because I made my point but I don't. I hate everything and everyone that did that to me. They were going to kill me and now I am going to kill the person that let it all happen.
"Using your hands is a cheat!" I shout. "Mine were bound, remember?"
Just when I think I understand what I am doing and what is happening, my head is spinning. Bellamy is swinging in front of me. His legs going limp, his arms going limp by his sides and his head tilting, falling off kilter. Then his eyes look deeply into mine but they are dead. There is no one there. I killed him! How could I have killed him?
Then I am standing in front of Raven. There is a clear wall between us but I can see here. I am holding my gun up to her leg. I am looking right at her. Do I want to shoot her? No. But I am going to because she is getting in my way. I have to get to the other side of that wall. I have to escape. So I am going to have to get her down to do it.
I shoot her in the leg.
Rage fills my heart and head again. Even as she screams, falling over on her side and holding onto her leg, I just stand there watching for a brief second and then I run. I run as long and as fast as I can. But I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel like my legs are not moving, even though I think I am making them. They start to burn so bad that I can't even think about anything but the pain.
I am tackled by a grounder, pinned to the ground. I can't fight them off. I try my best. I try to push them away. I try to kick or stab or punch or flail but nothing works. He is bigger than me. Ties me to a tree and stands in front of me with a grin on his scary face. Then all of the sudden, there are a lot of them. Ten, maybe more. Mostly men but a few women too. I can't tell how old they are or what they want. They only speak to each other in a weird language I have never heard.
Fear.
Nothing but fear and a little bit of rage. The bleakness of my situation becomes clear and the fear gets so bad I am shaking.
That's when the pain comes. Physical pain.
Slashes with ships. Stab marks on my body. Tiny paper cuts. Tearing my fingernails off. Pulling my head back by my hair. Kicking me. Choking me until I see stars. Water boarding.
"What do you want?" I demand in a screaming fit, spitting and flailing my body. "What do you want from me? I'll tell you whatever you want!"
Every time they ask a question, I answer it.
It makes me weak and terrible and deserving of so much hatred but I don't care if they all die, as long as I save my own ass. I have to get out of this place, even if that means turning everyone else in.
"Where is your camp?"
I tell them how to get there.
"Where did you come from?"
"The sky. We were all born in space."
"How many are you?"
"100 but we lost some."
"What weapons do you have?"
"None," I say. "Just stuff we made."
I tell them everything. They are satisfied, but still torture me when I try not to answer. Eventually, I don't even hold back. I just answer every single thing that they ask because I don't want pain anymore and I want to live. I really want to live.
When I am loose, I run as fast as I can. It's burning again, so bad I can't think. But I don't care. I know exactly where I am going. I might have turned my back on them, but the 100 are stupid and they will trust me again or at least give me shelter. Clarke will make them and Bellamy will listen to her, just like he always does.
There are faces all around me. They tell me that I am selfish. I don't help others. I always put myself first. I never save anyone. I kill anything that gets in my way. I destroy people when it is convenient to me. I turn people in so that I can get away. I save my own ass and screw everybody else. Instead of helping the problem, I make it worse. Instead of sticking with my people, even the 100, I betray them.
I hate and hate and hate and do nothing but save my own ass every time. I never do the right thing.
I am still running as hard and as fast as I can.
Just when I get to the camp and collapse on the ground, I wake up. I scream as loud as I can. But the sound doesn't even sound like me. It sounds like an animal. It's terrifying.
There are faces all around me, people talking.
Eventually I can tell that Emori has her hand on my face. She isn't sick anymore. She is careful. She is gentle with me. Her expression is clean but concerned. Clarke is behind her. I want to tell them to get away from me, that I don't deserve their comfort.
But I cannot get the words out.
Clarke walks away and I am left with only Emori.
"John," she says. "Talk to me."
She's right. I should tell her what I am thinking; what I know now to be true.
"I think I'm going to hell."
Not the best one yet. But pretty interesting internal thoughts! Please review! Love to get some reviews on this story!