"Welcome, Victor. Good to see you."

"Thank you. Likewise."

"So, I can only assume that you have a lot of questions. We'll get to those, but first, we're going to do an MRI on you. We're going to do one on your chest, but we're also going to do an MRI on your brain today."

"Excuse me?"

"Come, let's talk a little." Popyrin felt around in his pocket and pulled out a keychain. He unlocked the door behind him and motioned Victor to step inside. "Please, have a seat."

Victor did as he was told. His pulse was elevated. What's this? Do I have something... in there, too?

"Okay, Victor. This is how it is. The biopsy result showed that you have something we call small cell lung cancer. It's rare, even in adults, and for you being so young... Well, it's not unheard of, but it's extremely rare. This cancer is very aggressive, which is why we're going to give you quite a lot of chemo. Luckily, it responds well to this kind of treatment."

Victor suddenly remembered what Yuuri had asked him, the day before. 'Treatment, is that the same as a cure?' He needed to ask, using Yuuri's words. "Doctor, I must ask... Treatment, is that the same as a cure?"

The doctor's eyes narrowed, if only for a second. "Do I understand you correctly if I say that you're asking if you can be cured. As in free of cancer?"

"I... I guess you do."

"Victor, I have to be honest with you. It's a very severe and aggressive form of cancer, okay? People can live for several years after their initial diagnosis, but statistics say that it waries. Mainly because of what kind of stage your cancer is in. You understand? So far, we don't know anything since we haven't done an MRI."

"That's not what I'm asking, though. Is it curable?"

Again, his eyes narrowed. Like he was thinking if it was appropriate to answer the question truthfully, or if the answer should be delivered sanitised. "For most patients, I'm sorry to say, it's not."

"I'm... I'm going to die?"

"We want to prolong your life, give you the best possibilities to live without any symptoms, any pain."

I'm going to die?! I'm going to die. I am dying.

He felt a hand on his knee. It was supposed to be reassuring, probably, but it wasn't. This was not at all what he'd expected. He'd come for treatment, but got a death sentence instead. The irony of his situation made him feel overwhelmed. He buried his face in his hands, trying to understand. Trying to see if he could steer the conversation away with the use of his mind. Surely, this was a dream. A nightmare. If he only woke up, this wouldn't be a problem.

"I'm sorry." The doctor's voice sounded far away. "Hello? Yes, reschedule him. An hour? An hour and a half. Perfect. Thank you."

He gave in. Surrendered to the consternation. This is what pain feels like. Pain in its very essence. Pain, when you're forced to deal with your own mortality. Pain, when you understand what you're going to leave behind.

Strangely, it felt like an orgasm. The anxiety. The build-up was similar. A tension, growing by the second. Making you wonder how the release would be. Although, he never wanted the release. He wanted to stay in the incline. Fight the increasing agitation instead. But, everything levels out eventually and instead of pleasure, it brought only suffering along with it. Without ever subsiding.

He tried to breathe. It felt impossible, like he was gasping for air through a straw. His head became light. Dizzy. It was hard to see straight, like everything became blurry in an instant. He was quaking in his seat, feeling his body move on its own. It was like he was being pulled by thousands of strings, with some puppet master sadistically contorting him behind the scenes.

"Victor, breathe. Inhale slowly, hold your breath, let it out." He'd heard that before. Earlier today? He wasn't sure. He wanted to do what the voice told him, but it was impossible. "Again, inhale slowly, hold your breath, let it out. You're doing great, one more time."

All of a sudden, it mellowed out. Bringing on tears instead.

"Would you like something to drink?"

He sniffed, shook his head.

"I'm so sorry, Victor. Hold on I need to take this." Popyrin answered his phone. "Hello? Yes. Yes, I know! He'll be there momentarily. Yes. Bye."

"How can you do this for a living?" Victor's voice was barely audible, he tried to make it loud and clear but he had no strength.

The doctor huffed a little. "I ask myself the same question every day. Ultimately, I want people to be able to live comfortably. Even if they have a serious disease."

He nodded a little. Victor came to an understanding, he liked this person. This doctor, although he had put him through the worst moment of his life.

"Victor, you really need to go and get the MRI done now. We'll talk afterwards. It'll be quite quick. Okay?"

It was noisy. Slightly claustrophobic. But it was finally done. The contrast had made him a bit woozy, so he got some time to shake it off before he was allowed to get up and put on his clothes.

As promised, Popyrin met up with him. He took him along him see a nurse who took a blood sample before she put an IV catheter into the back of his hand. She flushed it with saline, making sure that it was inserted properly. She was dressed in a plastic apron, gloves and protective goggles as she handled the medication, fastening the bag on a stand. And that's going inside of me?

Once Victor had his chemo going, Popyrin took him back to the room where he had ended a chapter of his life. Or rather, started a new one.

"So, Victor... Let's talk. You must have a thousand questions. I just want to tell you about the MRI. The reason we did one of your brain is because this type of cancer easily spreads to other organs. It likes the brain in particular, so that's why we just want to peek inside. Have you had any neurological symptoms?"

"Neurological? Like what?" He felt more composed now. Tired. Almost indifferent.

"Let's see... Have you lost your balance, lost hand to eye coordination, lost strength in your hands? Found it hard finding the words you want to say? Made involuntary movements?"

"No, I don' think... Oh..." Yuuri made me... no, I've dropped a glass. "I... might have dropped a glass. Three weeks ago or so. I'm not sure."

"Nothing else you can remember?"

"No."

"It doesn't sound like anything alarming, Victor. We've done the MRI now, so we'll make sure but it really sounds like nothing to be honest." He paused for a moment. "I see you're married now. Congratulations."

Victor felt a smile play over his lips. Briefly. "Thank you. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, although we've talked about it for some time."

"In that case, maybe we should talk about intimacy and chemotherapy. Is that okay with you?"

He nodded.

"So, the most important thing for you to remember is that your own immune system will get wiped out between the cycles, okay? If your wife is sick, say she's got a cold, then don't kiss. As far as intercourse goes, you might have problems procreating some days after a treatment. I don't know if you're planning to start a family or not?"

"We... we haven't thought about it, my husband and I."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise... I'm sorry."

"No... it's okay." I really like this man.

"Then, let me say it like this. Intercourse when you're on chemo is okay, as long as you're not being penetrated. You understand? Chemotherapy is tough on your body, your mucous membranes. You might bleed easier, and there's a possibility that your thrombocytes, your blood platelets, might get low. That way your blood won't be able to clot. Getting a tear while having sex can be disastrous."

"Do I have to worry about transferring the chemo to him?"

"No, not per se. Use a condom if you're having oral sex until seventy-two hours have passed. Just to be sure. As far as penetrative sex goes, always use one. Especially now. Kissing is okay, but again, you have to be careful since your white blood cells, your immune system, will get obliterated between cycles. Also, I really want to point out that it's important that you try to live life like you've done up until now."

"What about side effects? Won't that make it hard?"

"It might, but we're going to do everything to prevent it. You'll get medicine to prevent nausea, which is probably the most common side effect. Also, it's common to get a dry mouth so drink a lot of water and make sure you stimulate your saliva production during the day. Then, of course, there's the issue of losing hair. That's also common. It can happen everywhere in between two weeks after treatment up to two months. Some people lose some, some people lose all their hair. I even had a patient who only lost his beard and eyebrows, but his hair and eye lashes were intact. It's individual. Sadly, there's nothing to do about it."

Victor sighed a little. Popyrin gave him a pat on the knee.

"Oh, I see you're done. Come, let's go so the ladies out there can unhook you from this thing."

He decided to walk home. He wanted to clear his head. Before heading home he took out his phone. A message from him.

From: Yuu~ri!

I'm sorry I didn't come with you today. I'll make it up to you. Just come home, and I'll show you. /Y

To: Yuu~ri!

On my way now. Can't wait to see you. xxx

To: Yuu~ri!

You'll stay with me, right?

From: Yuu~ri!

Until we're parted by death. I love you. Please come home.

He decided to find a taxi instead. He couldn't wait to see him.

~Year One: Spring~

the end

Whew. You're still alive, I hope! Thank you for reading, commenting and favoriting up until now.

I understand that this story might be a tough thing to stomach, but I really appreciate you sticking with me. Please, don't be afraid telling me what you think. Now, a short hiatus before the real journey begins. Until then!

xoxo