Chapter 11 (Victor)

What is it like to live?

I am stuck as it is asking Kiki what she knows about the story that Victoria and I heard. But now that she has asked me what it is like to be alive…just where does one begin with a question like that?

"Maybe I should have begun with something simpler…" Kiki's voice breaks my train of thought, but only a little.

"It's actually a very good question," I tell her. "A lot of people ask it, but…to explain it to you, in your condition…that will take some time."

"Well then, why don't you tell me your story first?" Kiki suggests. "It should be easier, I hope."

Without even knowing it, I breathe out quickly, feeling somewhat relieved of the task of explaining the meaning of life to Kiki. But I still must take another moment to gather the details of the story. Even after all this time, it is still a gruesome tale to remember, and I hope that Kiki won't be too bothered by it. Finally, I proceed into the story, retelling it as best I can. But even after I finish, Kiki doesn't speak.

Instead, her eyes wander around the space, as though she doesn't know what to make of anything. That is just what I'm afraid of.

"I…" she starts, very uncertainly.

I'm afraid to speak or move as she slowly brings her gaze back around to me—still looking as though she is searching for something, but I can tell her answer is slowly dawning on her.

"That's…quite the story," she answers at last. "But, it seems an odd thing to be asking me about. Because I'm afraid I've heard no such story before ."

I suppose I should have known that asking her would be a lost cause. So now, who else can I ask?

"Just where did you hear that story?" Kiki wants to know, a thoughtful frown crossing her face.

"My cousin told it to me," I explain. "He made a claim that the story happened in the slum part of the town, close to where he lives. It's just that…something in that story was so familiar to me. I felt as though, perhaps I had been to that part of town before, and that…that I knew the woman who was murdered. And afterwards, for whatever reason, it brought me back down here."

Kiki nods her head, though her big eyes are even larger with wonder. "Miss Plum said you had been here before," she notes. "How on earth did you do it?"

My head swims as I recall both the times that I have been brought below into the grave. "Well, it's not the most pleasant experience," I tell her. "The first time, it happened by accident. I was practicing wedding vows, and so, I placed the ring on a stick in the ground. The next thing I knew, the stick had come to life, like a hand, and was pulling me into the ground." I shudder, remembering the way my heart had leapt into my throat when the hand had grabbed me, as Kiki puts her hand to her mouth.

"I never knew it was possible," she whispers in awe.

"Well, I'm afraid I'm the only one who has ever done it," I say, shrugging slightly. "If they knew the way, I'm certain there would be a lot more of the living here."

Kiki gives me a crooked look, as she nods again. "I guess I always thought that this world was for the dead, and that the upstairs world was for the living. Except, Elder Gutknecht once told me that it was possible for the dead to visit the living, but that it's just not natural. He says he doesn't like to do it very much—it disrupts the order of life."

"That's no surprise," I agree.

"Mm-hmm. And ever since Elder Gutknecht told me that, I've been wondering what it would be like to walk among the living. You know, to see the streets, where everyone moves around with air in their chests, and a heart beating inside. To feel the sun, and move through a summer breeze. To feel…alive again!"

I remember Kiki's question about life, but it seems as though she already has a good grasp on the idea. Except, to describe simple things like the warmth of sunlight, a cool breeze on a hot day, and the beating of a heart, it would be like teaching someone how to feel like a human being again. And I haven't the slightest idea how to help Kiki picture those things. Not unless I actually brought her back with me to the living world.

I freeze the second that I picture such an idea. I know of course that the idea is possible—Emily brought me back up there when I wanted to go back to Victoria. But Kiki says Elder Gutknecht wouldn't do it for her—probably not unless she had someone else with her.

It's worth a try.

"Kiki, what if we went to Elder Gutknecht, and asked him to return us to the land of the living?" I suggest.

"Oh, I don't know, Victor," Kiki answers timidly. "He's never let me go up there before. What makes you think he'll let us go there now?"

"I don't know," I admit, "but we'll have to try. I think taking you up there is the only way to help you remember what it's like to feel alive again. I can't describe things like that to you myself."

"Couldn't you try?" Kiki says, locking her hands together like she is pleading for me to do it. "You're living, so you must know very well what it's like."

"Yes, but…" It's pretty impossible to hold myself against that pleading gaze Kiki has in her eyes, immediately reminding me again of a young child begging for a toy in a window. It's the kind of gaze that grabs my attention, and refuses to let up until I tell her all that I know about being alive.

I sigh and chuckle at the same time, and at this, Kiki curls her legs up on the coffin, and sits with the curiosity growing on her face.

I don't know how to begin in explaining such a complicated concept to an amnesiac corpse, though I do not want to keep her waiting. That look she is giving me is just so full of childish wonder that I feel even more incompetent in being able to talk about living. It actually feels frustrating, and I really wish I had some assistance in this task.

So I circle the sky with my eyes, searching for some inspiration. I almost laugh at myself—imagine finding inspiration to talk about life in a land where everything is dead. But then, my eye catches something moving closer to where Kiki and I sit, almost fluttering about against the darkened sky. I strain my eyes to see better what it is, but only when it flutters down into the space, I can spot the blue-and-white wings on a tiny moth. It comes slowly towards the coffin, and as I just stare in rapture at such a familiar creature, Kiki is smiling as though she is greeting an old friend.

"Well, hello," she says to the flittering moth. "Where have you been?"

The moth flutters for a moment or two in front of Kiki. She holds out her hand with her palm flat, and then something extraordinary happens. The moth lands on top of Kiki's hand.

"Goodness," I whisper. "Kiki, how did that happen?"

"Oh, this moth is always coming around here," she says. "I guess you could call it a friend of mine, but I didn't teach it to land on my hand like that. It seems to just trust me."

For a moment, I gaze at the tiny blue moth. It flutters its wings once or twice when I look at it, but it surprises me more that this delicate creature is down here in the land of the dead. Shouldn't it be up above…and alive?

I frown at the thought of such a thing having happened to the moth, but I can't resist showing my sympathy. Gently, I reach out my finger, and start to stroke the moth's silky wings. To my surprise, it doesn't start, or attempt to fly away. Instead, it stays absolutely still, and seems to relax whenever I touch it.

Kiki giggles softly. "I know, Victor. I never thought a moth would be so calm and trusting, either. I wonder if they are like this up above."

I shake my head, unsure of what to tell her. Although it seems to me that no ordinary moth would be so able to land on a young woman's hand. As a matter of fact, this moth looks a lot like the moths that Emily transformed into that night in the church.

I wonder…