Usual disclaimer. I'm super poor.

Review :)

On this journey I discovered a lot of things about myself. One, that I can't go a week without brushing my teeth. Two, my sword skills were worse than a toddlers. Three, I remember random things about Lord of the Rings at completely inappropriate times, and four, that I can, apparently, go a straight month without bathing. Or at least, I think it was a month.

Not by choice.

I would have been more worried about the last one if everyone else wasn't polluting the air with their B.O. alongside me. We all smelled pretty bad, which ironically, made it smell like we didn't smell. However, even Legolas was looking a little scruffy and by this point I wouldn't be able to tell a hobo apart from Aragorn with the wiry thing growing out of his face.

For reasons I cannot fathom, we didn't come across a stream bigger than the length of my arm during the course of the month. Which meant no baths. My hair had more oil in it than John Travolta's did in Grease. I haven't yet been brave enough to lift my pants up and see the state of my legs, but I'm pretty sure at this point I would have been mistaken for bigfoot. Or bigfoot's wife.

Around the time that I was completely positive those weird micro-bugs that apparently live on your skin had multiplied by a buzzilion we came across a river.

And not just any river. No, this one was wide and slow moving and had conveniently placed large rocks along the edge to hide behind as one bathed. When I saw it that Latin song, actual Latin not Spanish Latin, that plays during epic moments in movies popped into my head as I bowled over the group in my haste to get near salvation.

Chucking my pack off I hugged the nearest boulder and started to weep. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life. Well besides the time I found the toothpaste.

Forcing myself to let go of the boulder I shrugged out of my shirt and was about to rip my pants off when I heard a sound like a heifer having a simultaneous orgasm and heart attack. Not that I know what that would sound like, but you know. Turning I saw Boromir interpreting a mime while the other's had turned their backs. After a moment it clicked that I was doing a strip tease in front of a bunch of men which embarrassed me for like half a second before I stopped caring.

Hey they were keeping me from my cleaning, ducky time.

Ignoring them I pushed my pants off which left me in my much worn out bra and holey underwear. Boromir made the cow noise again, but I was too busy screwing up my courage to look at me legs to make an uncomfortable sexual joke at him.

After a minute of prepping and telling myself that no one could get hairier than Gimli, I looked down.

Whew.

Ok. Bad, but not as bad as I was thinking. Not yet near Bigfoot wife status. Sitting down I brought my calf up close to my face. I may be able to get away with shaving if I was supercareful with a small dagger. Awesome. And that was as far as my courage took me. There was no way I was looking under my arms. Couldn't shave that with a dagger so there wasn't a point in tormenting myself. The only other thing I could think of was tweezing, but I didn't have a tweezer and wasn't too sure where I would find one. Maybe I could ask Gimli to make me one.

He's good with metal right?

Eh. I'll worry about it later because that sweet, sweet water was calling my name.

Letting out a moan that may have been borderline porn worthy I sprinted to the water's edge and jumped in cannon ball style.

Two seconds later I was screaming like a victim in Saw.

Holy hell it was cold. Antarctica cold. Deep space cold. Pluto cold.

My first instinct was to scramble for the shore line and roll around in the dirt to get warm again, but fought it. And stopped screaming. Boromir had raced to the edge and looked about to rush in for a full damsel-in-distress rescue so I held up a shaking hand and said, "N-n-n-o-o—o-o-o it-it's ok-k-kay. Ju-ju-s-s-s-t-t-t c-o-o-o—o-l-d-d-d-d." I was too busy having my teeth chattering to scream again, or talk normally, but Boromir got the hint and turned his back to help the others make camp. Which was apparently how they were going to go about ignoring the sexiest member of their group taking a bath.

Looking would be indecent, don't'cha know.

I attempted to roll my eyes at the thought, but couldn't due to my violent shivering, since I was 95% they were all closet pervs. Except Pipin. He was like a baby Hobbit.

Wait.

FML I killed Pipin's innocence. And the chance for any of the others to get laid. One look at my awesome bod and no other medieval woman would be able to compare.

Ok, maybe Aragorn wouldn't be affected since he had Arwen, but all the others were ruined! Mwahahahaha.

The others were looking at me and it took a slow second before I realized I was stuttering out the evil villain laugh. Ok that's enough. Time to scrub.

Taking a deep breath I dunked myself under and started to scratch and scrub at my hair like I had a bad case of fleas. I didn't open my eyes but I could only imagine the cloud of dirt wafting up from me and floating down the current to kill some poor unsuspecting fish.

I think I read somewhere that not bathing for a month can make you toxic.

Or was that doing drugs?

No, I think it was bathing.

By the time I came up due to the burning in my lungs I noticed something was different.

Where the hell was the Fellowship?

I had curled up in the fetal position when I was scrubbing my hair and apparently that slow moving current was stronger than I thought since it dragged me off . Straightening up I went under since the bottom of the river feel out from under my feet. Ok. It was definitely deeper here.

It took me a good five minutes before I made it to shore and the stupid river had pulled me down another fifty feet before I hit the shore line. Squinting up the river I could make out a couple of blobs that I hoped turned out to be the Fellowship and not some other camp. Since I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it out alive. I wasn't naïve enough to think that strange men roughing it with no woman around for miles and one suddenly showing up naked, or near to it, would be able to skip off without any harm.

In those circumstances even my fabulous B cups would look like a slice of heaven.

Well one positive. It was warm.

Groaning over the fact that all my washing was for nothing, I trugged in the direction of the blobs.

It took me about twenty minutes before I could determine that yes, those were my wayward men. They appeared to be unmaking camp and Boromir was splashing around in the river like a drunkin moron. By this point I was dry and my feet were killing me.

Everyone ended up being too focused on what they were doing so they didn't notice when I wandered right through the herd and stole some jerky from Sam's pack. Flopping near the fire pit I chewed on the piece of leather and quipped, "What's up doc?"

That stopped everyone in their tracks and Boromir had spun around so fast that he almost fell backwards into the river.

At least he wouldn't float down. All that metal would just drag him to the bottom.

Boromir, again, was the first to move and he waded out of the river so fast he would have won a gold if it happened to be a sport. Rushing over he pulled me up and crushed me to his wet, smelly, cold chain mail filled chest.

Ugh. All my cleaning. Gone!

"Where have you been?"

My response was muffled against his chest since it was smushed up against it an all. "You know, seeing the sights. Taking in the sounds. Living life."

"We were afraid you had drowned!"

The others came up and voiced their concerns as well. Apparently randomly disappearing helps them forget that I'm not fit for proper company.

"It is dangerous to wander off on your own. There are wild men who scout these plains." Aragorn.

"You should have let us know you moved. There are not trees around for me to ask about wayward companions." Hippy.

"Glad you're alright lass." Gimli.

"We were just about to eat! Now supper's ruined!" Pipin.

Thanks a lot pip-squeak. Nice to see where your priorities lie.

Shoving Boromir away I ran my hand through my wet strands of hair and huffed, "The current dragged me off. Sorry. Can't control nature like Storm."

Cue blank looks.

"I'm still naked."

Everyone hopped back and away from me like I had just announced I was actually a man, and turned fire engine red as they automatically looked at my boobs and bare skin.

Lucky for them my bra and undies were black. No wet tee shirt contests here. If they saw a nipple they probably would have simultaneous aneurisms.

Aragorn had shrugged out of his cloak and shoved it in my face. Hesitantly I took it with the tips of my fore finger and thumb.

It smelled awful.

"Thanks."

Resetting camp was underway so I walked back over to the spot where I chucked my pack and grabbed my dirty encrusted clothes. After scrubbing them to death I laid them out on the rocks and removed Aragorn's cloak to rebathe.

God I was right back to where I had started.

Which was the time, of course, when five wild men popped out from behind the boulder my wet clothes were on.

Someone up there really hated me.

Or was just really against me taking a bath.