Season Eleven
Episode 1: Out of the Darkness, Into the Fire
Dean: If you're as bad as they say you are, why haven't you hurt me?
Darkness: For the same reason that you'll never hurt me. We're bound, Dean. We'll always be bound. You helped me. I helped you. No matter where I am, who I am, we will always help each other
Dean: Dude, you are hot.
Darkness: What?
Dean: I'm just saying, I'd totally get in there.
Darkness: Did you hear anything I said?
Dean: No. I was too busy staring at your boobs.
Darkness: …
Dean: Still want to be bound to me?
Darkness: It's not a choice.
Dean: Damn. Worth a shot.
Episode 2: Form and Void
Dean: *singing to baby* Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping… Hey, look at that, I think she likes me!
Episode 3: The Bad Seed
Rowena: You mean he didn't tell you about that thing between him, me, and Crowley?
Dean: What is she talking about Sam?
Sam: No, Dean, it's not what you're thinking.
Dean: Really? 'Cause I'm thinking it was an orgy.
Sam: What?! No! I made a deal with her to kill Crowley if she could get the mark off you.
Dean: You made a deal? With her?
Sam: What was I supposed to do? At least it wasn't an orgy with the king of hell.
Dean: I would have preferred the orgy!
Rowena: It could still be an orgy now.
Dean/Sam: Shut up!
Episode 4: Baby
Dean: A lot of other things happened in this car.
Sam: Dean…
Dean: Out of everything that has ever happened in Baby, they focus on a hunt and you banging some waitress?
Sam: It's not personal.
Dean: No, no that's exactly what it is and we are not ending on that. You take your pants off and you get back there right now.
Episode 5: Thin Lizzie
Dean: Len, whatever darkness you have inside you, if there is even a shred on conscience, there might be hope.
Len: No, Sam said, once your soul is gone, you can't get it back.
Dean: Well, Sam says a lot of things. He said he wanted to get freaky for our anniversary last week, but then he got too drunk to stand, let alone get down to hanky panky town.
Len: ….
Dean: I'm just saying, don't believe everything Sam says.
Episode 6: Our Little World
Sam: Guys, bigger fish to fry here. Amara's in the wind.
Dean: Yeah, God's friggin' sister.
Castiel: You said you were close. Dean, how'd she get away?
Dean: I don't know. One minute I'm ready to kill her and the next I'm being hit on by a Tween. I feel like a pedophile.
Sam: Well… I mean, if you want to get technical, what we did when I was sixteen kind of, at least a little, made you a pedophile, so… it's not really a stretch.
Dean: You take that back! What we did when you were sixteen was a beautiful act of love.
Sam: Yeah, in the back of Impala.
Dean: I know. *sigh* Man, I love that car.
Sam: Really?
Castiel: I sense conflict. Has Dean said something wrong again?
Episode 7: Plush
Donna: Guy real strong too. Lashed out at several officers. It took a whole team just to get him into custody, but that's not the weirdest part. Bunny head won't come off.
Sam: What do you mean.
Donna: Tried everything. Short of a chain saw, but it's really stuck. Eh. Who knows? Could be nothin', guy could just have a big melon like my uncle Wally.
Dean: Or, he could be taking his furry fetish a bit too far. Hey, Sammy, remember the time we…
Sam: *clears his throat* Not now, Dean.
Donna: Oh, no, don't stop on my account.
Episode 8: Just My Imagination
Sully: It's on her face. It's on her face. She's got Sparkle on her face.
Dean: And not in the fun way.
Mom: I'm sorry, what?
Dean: Nothing, it's… nothing.
Episode 9: O Brother Where Art Thou?
Lucifer: Sam Winchester, my old roomie. Hug it out? Forgive me handie? Clean slate blowjob? Exoneration quickie? The full pardon? Bare…
Sam: We get it.
Episode 10: The Devil in the Details
Dean: *leaving voicemail* Hey, Cas, I know you're fightin' the good fight right now, but, um, I need you at 3rd and Pine in Kinasaw, Nebraska, 'cause uh, I'm going to hell. And not like that time I told you I was going to hell and you showed up to rescue me and I was in the middle of a devil's threeway with a priest and a nun in the back of a Catholic church with the children's choir practicing out front. Not that I'm not going to hell for that, but I mean, I'm really going to hell this time. Now. To save Sam. So, a little back up would be nice.
-and-
Castiel: Amara, she's… she's alive, she… she sent this message.
Crowley: I am coming? Is that a threat?
Dean: Or a promise.
Rowena: Or a verb. What? *to Dean* Don't tell me you weren't thinking it.
Castiel: *frowns* She did just consume an angel. An influx of grace when she's been subsisting on human souls could be likened to a female orgasm.
Dean: How do we always end up here?
Episode 11: Into the Mystic
Dean: So, no retirement, huh?
Sam: Hey, you're the one that's always wanted to go out blaze of glory style. Preferably while the Bon Jovi Song is playing.
Dean: I am a candle in the wind. But, you know 'blaze of glory' doesn't have to mean fighting. It could mean really old in a nice retirement home having heart attack inducing sex.
Sam: What, to Candle in the Wind?
Dean: Yeah, why not?
Sam: How can you be so good at sex and so bad at picking a sex track?
Dean: What's a sex track?
Sam: It's the music you listen to when you're having sex.
Dean: If you're actually listening to the music, you're doing it wrong.
Sam: It sets the tempo!
Dean: Don't give me that new age hippie shit. Keep digging.
Episode 12: Don't You Forget About Me
Jody: Hey, if we can't talk about it, we shouldn't be doing it. Am I right?
Sam/Dean: …
Jody: Right?
Dean: Condoms. Always use condoms.
Claire: Like you?
Dean: Of course.
Claire: Really? 'Cause I don't remember seeing condoms in your car. Or your duffle. Or your wallet. Although, there was an impressive amount of lube.
Jody: *coughs*
Dean: Okay, this just got awkward. Look, I use condoms. I use a lot of condoms.
Jody: *glares*
Dean: No, that's not… *points to Claire* I am in a long term, committed relationship, we get tested regularly and no, we don't use condoms when we're with each other, but outside of that, I always use protection.
Claire: So, let me get this straight, whenever you cheat on your boyfriend, who's also your little brother, you use condoms? Good to know.
Dean: …
Sam: *pats Dean on the back* Nice try, buddy.
-and-
Jody: Okay, hold on there, Quantico. You and I are leaving in a half an hour. The registrar, remember?
Claire: Reschedule it.
Jody: Again? Uh uh. You are going to beg him to let you reenroll. Tonight
Claire: When there's a killer out there?
Dean: Hey.
Claire: What?
Dean: School is important.
Claire: Is that right? I'm sorry, I keep forgetting, which highschool did you dropout of?
Dean: I already knew I was gonna be a Hunter.
Claire: Really? 'Cause that's what I've been saying, except nobody'll listen to me.
Dean: That's different.
Claire: How exactly?
Dean: I… it just is. … Use a condom!
Claire: *rolls eyes and stalks off*
Dean: Damn.
Jody: You are surprisingly bad at that.
Sam: It's a miracle I made it out alive.
Dean: Tell me about it.
Episode 13: Love Hurts
Dean: You honestly think the sister of god is my deepest darkest desire?
Sam: She isn't?
Dean: No. She can't be.
Sam: Why not?
Dean: Why? Because if she is that means I'm…
Sam: Complicit? Weak? Evil?
Dean: For starters, yeah.
Sam: Dean, those are all the things that make you, you. If you weren't complicit, weak, and at least a little evil, I never could have convinced you to go along with half the shit we did before I turned eighteen. You never would have agreed to break into the school and un-alphabetize the principle's file cabinets when she asked if Dad hit me.
Dean: Yeah, lamest idea for revenge you have ever come up with.
Sam: And you never would have banged me on her desk after. And, sure, sometimes you're a jerk. Sometimes, you put on a clown costume to make the rape fantasy more realistic.
Dean: You struggled so hard.
Sam: And sometimes you make up stupid traditions like banging people on the side on Valentine's Day for reasons I have yet to grasp.
Dean: It makes you jealous and when you're jealous you get, um… forceful.
Sam: Really? If you wanted me to be more 'forceful', all you had to do is ask.
Dean: It's not the same.
Sam: The point is, maybe you are all those things, but I love you and I'm not going to judge you for that.
Dean: That was beautiful, Sam.
Sam: Shut up.
Dean: No, seriously, it was like a Hallmark moment.
Sam: Jerk.
Dean: Happy Valentine's Day, bitch.
Episode 14: The Vessel
Dean: *Drinks beer*
Sam: Seriously, dude, it's like noon.
Dean: Well, you drank all the coffee, what am I supposed to drink, water?
Sam: You know, if you're, uh, if you're really thirsty, I've got something under the table for you.
Dean: Classy, Sam, but that's my pick up line.
Sam: That's not a pick up line, that's your 'I'm half drunk and horny' line.
Dean: Yeah, but it works.
Episode 15: Beyond the Mat
Gunner Lawless: Tell that to my ex-wives.
Dean: *phone rings* Huh, speaking of wives, gimme a sec. Hey, Sam. Watcha got?
Episode 16: Safe House
Sam: Yeah, well, look nobody said it was gonna be easy. You know the drill. Meantime, we…
Dean: Yeah, yeah, but we already did that this morning. And last night. And yesterday afternoon. I mean, how many times can we…
Sam: Dude, no! Meantime, we hunt. I found a case.
Dean: Ah. *long silence* So, does that mean we can't…
Sam: No!
Episode 17: Red Meat
*Sam sitting in chair*
Open Title: 'Red Meat'
Sam: Oh, I do not like the look of that.
Dean: *at desk* What?
Sam: Title screen. They're calling the episode 'Red Meat.'
Dean: Son of a bitch.
Sam: Wanna take bets on who dies this time?
Dean: No, let's just get this over with. Why can't we ever get episode titles like 'Netflix and Chill,' the time Sam and Dean just sat around the bunker in their underwear, eating nachos, catching up on Game of Thrones, and giving each other handies?
Sam: Because the fans would have a heart attack?
Dean: Smart ass.
-and-
Sam: You know, we always talk about taking a break, going camping. This could be like that. It could be fun.
Dean: Yeah, which part? Freezing our nuts off in the woods on a thin lead?
Sam: I was thinking more the making love under the stars part, but yeah. Remember that time in Nebraska when Dad was asleep in the other tent?
Dean: The only thing I remember about Nebraska is running through the woods, trying to pull my pants up with a chupacabra chomping at our heels and dad asking how the hell it managed to get the drop on us during my watch.
Sam: Right. I forgot about that.
Dean: Yeah, no sex in the creepy woods.
Episode 18: Hell's Angel
Dean: He does her, we do him.
Sam: I'm not doing Satan.
Dean: That's not what I meant and you know it.
Sam: I just want to make this perfectly clear. I'm going no where near Satan's… you know.
Dean: Technically, you'd be going near Cas, because Lucifer is in Cas's body, so…
Sam: …
Dean: Right, gotcha, no doing Satan, we'll just put him back in the cage.
Episode 19: The Chitters
Sam: They're a good team.
Dean: They are. I was thinking, maybe they can give us a hand. With Amara. With Cas. In bed.
Sam: Fresh eyes. Could use the extra muscle too. They know we're brother, though. It could get weird.
Dean: Remember what dad used to say?
Sam: Vodka cures everything.
Dean: And we've got a lot of Vodka.
Episode 20: Don't Call Me Shurley
Sam: Quit ironing my shirt with beer!
Dean: It's the only way to get the cum stains out!
Sam: Why are there cum stains on my shirt?!
Dean: I'm disappointed you have to ask!
Episode 21: All in the Family
Chuck: I don't mean to interrupt, kind of a plateful here. And, Kevin, you've been in the veil long enough. It's time you had an upgrade. *snaps fingers.*
*Kevin's soul goes to heaven*
Dean: Holy crap.
Chuck: I know, it's a lot…
Dean: No, Sam, you don't understand. Do you know what trumps banging an angel?
Sam: Please don't say it. Please don't say…
Dean: Banging God.
Sam: He said it. I am so sorry about him.
Chuck: No, he's not wrong and I'm flattered, really, but we have more important things to talk about.
Episode 22: We Happy Few
Dean: So, are we good.
Chuck/Lucifer: *nod*
Dean: Okay, great.
Sam: So, what now?
Lucifer: End of the world orgy.
Dean: I'm sorry, what?
Chuck: Isn't that what you always do at this stage of the game? Get a group of attractive young men and women together and bang it out?
Lucifer: *nods*
Chuck: I put him in a box for thousands of years. I kind of owe him this.
Dean: Are you freakin' kidding me?
Chuck: Of course I am. Not that I'm against a good orgy, but we need make a plan to trap Amara.
Lucifer: I can't believe they fell for that. Do I really owe you a high five now? That feels degrading.
Chuck: I'll settle for a hug.
Lucifer: *takes God's hand and slaps it against his*
Chuck: *to Dean* It's a work in progress.
Episode 23: Alpha and Omega
Dean: Come on, you know the drill. No chick flick moments. Come on.
Sam: Yeah, you love chick flicks.
Dean: Yeah, you're right, I do. Come here. You take care of yourself. Take care of the car.
Sam: I will.
Dean: And don't let Cas hog the covers. He's worse than you.
Sam: *choked up laughter*
Dean: Also, I uh… after last time I had a, uh… a specialty toy made that's an exactly replica of my… you know.
Sam: Seriously?
Dean: Don't let Cas hog that, either.
Sam: Shut up. I love you.
Dean: Yeah, I love you too, Sammy.
-and-
Dean: Mom?
Mary: Dean?
Dean: Either I'm in heaven or things are about to get real awkward.