Author's Note: I'm really sorry, guys! This chapter took a long time to write, and I spent a few more days debating whether or not to break it into two separate chapters (I did.) And also-I just realized my page breakers weren't working! I thought the whole squiggle-asterick-squiggle thing would work, but I went back and read my fic and they're all gone! Does anybody know any (other than FF's line) that would work?
And once again, thanks for all the kind reviews, and I hope you lurkers are having fun, too! But before I begin on this chapter, I wanted to say something. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I never bothered to read Eclipse all the way through before beginning this rewrite. I've basically been reading as I've been writing, only about a chapter ahead (though I knew the plot of the book, so I was able to map out the plot of this story pretty well). I'm occasionally shocked by how easily everything fits, and nothing does more than the first scene in this chapter. Edward has never acted more out of character. His mannerisms, his words, his actions… None of them make any sense with Meyer's version of him-yet makes perfect sense in mine. Cleary something's up with him. Clearly something is going wrong inside his head that he's dealing with, and he's taking it out on Bella. I've seen him be distant and condescending and edgy, but that was the first time I ever remember him showing contempt for Bella. Flat-out contempt.
Anyway, I wrote out this scene, albeit hesitantly (like someone who's been given free ice cream from a magical flying ice cream truck and is unsure whether eating it is a good idea) and I think it turned out alright. The rest of this chapter moved pretty smoothly, but I'll talk more about that at the end.
Alright, enough of the slow chapters and build-up-let's get to another chapter of just Jacob/Edward grit.
(And yes, the lines that Edward copies from Jacob are intentional.)
Chapter Ten: Kiss Me, Kill Me
That morning, Edward carried Bella back in his arms and gave her to Charlie. He managed to come up with a flaky excuse about her staying up all night with Alice and forgetting the time, and Charlie accepted it with the grimace of a man who hates his daughter's boyfriend but knows he'll never be able to convince her to dump him.
A few minutes later, Edward was in Bella's bedroom and watching her sleep the morning and a heavy portion of the afternoon away. He laid quietly in bed, his gaze flicking across the popcorn-textured ceiling, and counted the bumps of the northwest quadrant. Even now, hours after he'd heard that massive amount of mental noise from the pack, he still couldn't forget all the things he'd heard. The plural mindset almost seemed to work like a room, with all the wolves trapped in it together. Jacob was huddled defensively in one corner while the rest of them avoid him on the other side. All amongst themselves, they chatted with one another or read each other's thoughts or projected their own… and it was all rather fascinating. He had heard Embry turning over thoughts of a possible half-brother in his head, and Edward had chased that thought to Sam, Quil and then to Leah-a female werewolf. Apparently she'd pointed out the lack of continuity in their family tree, and she was pretty well universally disliked by all. Paul was alternating between being worried for Jacob and being disgusted by him, but most everyone was concerned. Seth's concern, however, dropped and turned to angry disapproval when he saw the look on Edward's face when Jacob had joyfully licked Bella's face and they'd shared a bonding moment-he must have seen how that had stung. Unlike the other pack members, Seth seemed to be the only one who faced the situation with a worried sort of neutrality, like a man on a hill who can only watch from a distance as two trains on the same track rush towards one another. And there was the other thing Edward had learned: the pack knew about him and Jacob.
As of that point, though, they seemed unwilling to tell the man that they knew. Why, Edward wasn't quite sure, but it seemed like Sam was hoping it would end soon. The Clearwaters seemed to find that a bit deplorable, but everyone else thought it was a good idea. Edward just thought the idea was silly since obviously, they were already quite through and Edward had quite made his point. Besides, Jacob hardly seemed interested at all last-
Not that Edward cared or anything like that.
He-of course-had more pressing matters. Like the muttering of his sleep-talking girlfriend.
"Newborn… behind you… Ed…" Bella mumbled again, grimacing slightly and pressing her face into her pillow. Edward grimaced along with her. She'd been saying things like that all day, clearly replaying a battle over and over in her mind, and by the sound of it, it was the one that would take place in the clearing. Apparently she has delusions of coming along. Normally, he would've blown it off as pointless musings, since there wasn't a chance in hell he would let her come with them… but sometimes she was able to do stupid things too fast for him to stop her. Like run off to chat with a tracker hell-bent on killing her. Or throw herself off a cliff.
"Edward?" Her voice sounded slightly clearer that time, and Edward looked down to see her hand reaching for him. He slid his forward and twined his fingers with hers without even thinking. So automatic. So mindless.
"Are you really awake this time?" he asked quietly, noticing that her eyes were still closed.
"Mmm," she sighed wordlessly and her eyes fluttered opened, watching him blearily. "Have there been a lot of false alarms?"
The vampire didn't smile. "You've been very restless—talking all day."
Bella blinked and glanced out the window. The light was shining through at an odd angle, indicating a rapidly-ending afternoon. She frowned. "All day?"
He lightly squeezed her hand to reassure her. "You had a long night. You'd earned a day in bed."
She sat up, swaying slightly. "Wow."
However, despite his perfect acting and her pleasant responses, something felt wrong to Edward. Something was making his skin crawl and making him want to walk out of the room. He felt like he just wanted to get up and go—and had no idea why. Wrong, wrong, wrong, his mind chanted quietly, though whether it was at the feeling or at the feeling's cause, he didn't know.
"Hungry?" He asked quickly, hearing a faint grumble from her stomach. "Do you want breakfast in bed?"
"I'll get it." She stretched with a groan and pushed herself to her feet. "I need to get up and move."
Edward watched, still holding her hand, as she stumbled her way down the stairs and into the kitchen. She still looked tired and rumpled, and not entirely awake. Unfortunately, some other emotion was slithering all through him and counteracting his concern. He felt… of all things, twitchy. As she passed him and moved to the pantry, he absently rolled a shoulder and tried to ignore the too-tight feel of his skin.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Bella opened the pantry door and pulled a package of Pop-Tarts out. She mindlessly tossed them in the toaster and took a moment to examine her reflection in the chrome side. I can't eat food, Edward thought wistfully, and immediately recoiled. Why did he care? He hardly ever thought about food, and Bella ate in front of him all the time without him disliking it. He didn't even want to be able to eat. Much.
"Ugh, I'm a mess," Bella complained, leaning back from her reflection and frowning at it.
"It was a long night," he repeated. "You should have stayed her and slept." So mechanical.
It's probably that damn wolf messing with my head again, Edward thought with a mental hiss, watching as Bella lifted the Pop-Tart to her mouth and the charm bracelet jingled lightly. He had watched Jacob put it on her and had been glancing at it every once in a while ever since. She'd yet to take it off. Bella probably thought it was a reminder of him for her, but Edward had seen Jacob pointedly glance around when he had said that. With a twist in his stomach, Edward had realized it was meant as a reminder of the dog for both Bella and him. But those stupid mind games won't work on me.
"Right!" Bella hmphed. "And missed everything. You know, you need to start accepting the fact that I'm part of the family now."
A smile twitched at Edward's lips as he forced Jacob to the back of his mind again. "I could probably get used to that idea."
His eyes stayed on the bracelet and that little carved wolf. Bella, noticing his gaze, froze.
After a moment, it was too much for the vampire to resist. "May I?" he asked, reaching for the wooden sculpture.
Bella gulped. "Um, sure." But Edward paid no mind to her hesitation and gently lifted the wolf. From a third person standpoint, the thing was beautiful. Every hair on that tiny animal stood out and it even had a facial expression. Strong, determined, leading. Dominant. Edward's eyes narrowed as he scanned the body and long legs and finally the tail of the wolf. It looked fairly proud and strong at first, but the tail hung lower than an alpha's would have. There was a hint of sadness behind the strength. Edward glanced up and noticed Bella watching him curiously. He snatched his hand back and let the charm fall back against her pale skin.
Something in him wanted to point out one of the many reasons he disliked the charm, but knew that most of them would just raise uncomfortable questions. One of his problems with it, though, he could talk about. "Jacob Black can give you presents," he said flatly, the accusation clear.
Her expression didn't so much as flicker. "You've given me presents. You know I like the homemade kind."
Edward's gaze slipped back to the charm and he glared at it minutely-'homemade' indeed!-before looking back at Bella. "How about hand-me-downs? Are those acceptable?" He hoped he successfully kept the petulance that rattled in his mind out of his voice. The unfairness of her treatment of both Edward and Jacob was starting to wear on the vampire and that wear was starting to show. Though, in all actuality, Jacob probably thinks it's overly unfair as well…
He gets all the physical-token love and I get all the emotional love, and all we want is what the other has.
She frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"
Edward traced a finger around her wrist, pulling up the chain slightly in front of the finger and letting it fall back into place behind it. "You'll be wearing this a lot?"
Bella shrugged.
"Because you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings?" Edward asked, waiting for it to click.
"Sure, I guess so."
Edward twitched. "Don't you think it's fair, then," he stared down at her hand and turned it over in his palm, hearing that silver chain jingle again, "that I have a little representation?"
"Representation?"
He had been thinking about it-a gift that would match Jacob's, in a way. And he knew he had one in his possession that his mother gave him. "A charm. Something to keep me on your mind." And, incidentally, on Jacob's when you're with me.
Again, not that I care or anything.
Bella still looked confused, as if they were discussing the Grand Unification Theory rather than the idea of fair balance in a three-way relationship. Then again, perhaps to her, they were. "You're in every thought I have," she pointed out, looking for all the world as if she hadn't just dropped another weight on his shoulders, "I don't need reminders."
Edward wasn't to be distracted by lines like that, though. "If I gave you something, would you wear it?" he asked slowly.
"A hand-me-down?"
"Yes, something I've had for a while." He smiled, and turned up the pheromones slightly-and did his best to ignore the twitching, crawling feeling that told him something was wrong with the situation that needed fixing.
"Whatever makes you happy," she said with a simple smile, clearly charmed by his presence. In that moment, the feeling went straight to his stomach and transformed into rolling nausea.
What's wrong with me?
"Have you noticed the inequality?" he all but snapped before he could stop himself. "Because I certainly have."
Why am I saying these things?
"What inequality?"
I never used to be bothered by this. And I can't stop-
"Everyone else is able to get away with giving you things. Everyone but me. I would have loved to give you a graduation present, but I didn't. I knew it would have upset you more than if anyone else did. That's utterly unfair. How do you explain yourself?" The last sentence came out as a flat-out accusation, and Edward mentally flinched from it.
This is really inappropriate… I shouldn't be pushing this.
"Easy. You're more important than everyone else. And you've given me you. That's already more than I deserve, and anything else you give me just throws us more out of balance."
Instantly, Edward got a flash of a shirtless Jacob propped up on his elbows and pointing out the former's flaws with a grin. Jacob thought, no he knew they were equal. They propped one another up and stood together. They both had equal say and equal weight in the 'relationship', and they walked through life side-by-side, rather than one leading the other. But it wasn't even like that with her. Edward was just carrying around Bella's lifeless body like some kind of…
Why? Why does she think things like that? What have I ever done to deserve such mindless worship? I don't understand!
"The way you regard me is ludicrous," Edward replied with a roll of his eyes, and his fingers twitched towards fists at his sides. The chant of wrong, wrong, WRONG got louder.
She chewed her breakfast calmly as he stared down at the counter, the tension strung between them filling the room. Edward was just about to say something else when his phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and glanced at the screen. Alice.
He flipped it open with a sigh. "What is it, Alice?"
"Good news: the army is down to only nineteen members-two of them fought to the death last night over a bit of prey," his sister answered, but there was a dark note in her tone. "Also, I saw another vision-this one of Bella directly. I think she's lost in the woods, somewhere near the battle, but not all that close. I think she's going to try to find us and fight with us-or something equally human. I'd keep an eye out for that."
"I sort of guessed as much," he replied, leveling a stare at Bella. "She was talking in her sleep."
The girl flushed and looked away and Edward hung up the phone without another word. "Is there something you'd like to talk to me about?"
He would give her a chance to be honest.
Bella sighed and glanced around at the floor, the walls, the ceiling, before returning his sharp gaze. "I like Jasper's idea," she said at last.
He groaned, annoyance joining the twitchiness and nausea on his list of emotional upsets.
"I want to help. I have to do something."
"It wouldn't help to have you in danger," he explained, for what felt like just one too many times. There was nothing she could possibly do to help, and it would force Edward to always have one eye on her when he was trying to fight off vampires faster and stronger than he was. Couldn't she stand to just have one night without him? Just one night?
"Jasper thinks it would," she retorted. "This is his area of expertise."
Bullshit, Edward thought with a glower, and the urge to walk away got stronger.
It just seemed so… it felt so… He just… This wasn't working. This, whatever-it-was between he and her didn't feel like it was working in that moment. She didn't understand anything about vampires, and the vampire in question was having-had a gay affair with another supernatural being.
Clearly, they had not watched enough daytime talk shows to know how to properly handle a relationship.
Edward had enough of a grasp on self-awareness to know they were both sort of in the wrong, but in that moment, he could only see the wrong in her.
"You can't keep me away," Bella threatened, crossing her arms. "I'm not going to hide out in the forest while you all take risks for me."
Edward fought back a derisive laugh. "Alice doesn't see you in the clearing, Bella. She sees you stumbling around lost in the woods. You won't be able to find us; you'll just make it more time consuming for me to find you afterward," he pointed out spitefully.
Bella faced him coolly, almost looking down her nose at him. "That's because Alice didn't factor in Seth Clearwater." Her tone was overly polite, almost mockingly so. "If she had, of course, she wouldn't have been able to see anything at all. But it sounds like Seth wants to be there as much as I do. It shouldn't be too hard to persuade him to show me the way."
Anger flashed through Edward's heart and mind, and his fists clenched. Slowly, though, he forced it down with a loud sigh. She would not outdo him on this one. "That might have worked… if you hadn't told me. Now I'll just ask Sam to give Seth certain orders. Much as he might want to, Seth wouldn't be able to ignore that kind of injunction."
Bella's faith in Edward assured him that she would have no idea that Edward couldn't give Sam orders like that. A bluff she would never see.
Bella's smile somehow became even faker and she cocked her head ever so slightly. "But why would Sam give those orders? If I tell him how much it would help for me to be there? I'll be Sam would rather do me a favor than you."
Apparently, it was a bluff that she could see. Edward barely bit back a snarl directly at her. "Maybe you're right," he agreed with a flash of his teeth, "But I'm sure Jacob would be only too eager to give those same orders."
Jacob would choose me over her in a heartbeat. I just know it.
Bella frowned. "Jacob?"
"Jacob is second-in-command," Edward returned her sarcastically-polite little smile. "Did he never tell you that? His orders have to be followed, too."
Bella's face crumpled at the same realization that Edward had reached moments earlier: Jacob would side with Edward.
When her silence continued long enough for him to be sure of her self-doubt, he moved in. "I got a fascinating look into the pack's mind last night. It was better than a soap opera. I had no idea how complex the dynamic is with such a large pack. The pull of the individual against the plural psyche… Absolutely fascinating."
Perhaps her curiosity would distract her. Perhaps she would realize that she lost and therefore, should just go along with the new conversation topic. Either way, or any other way, Edward didn't care. For once in his sad, sorry life, he felt on top of things. He felt strong. He felt like there was someone in this world he could best without cheating by reading their mind.
He felt just a little bit spiteful against the world, too, and here was an outlet.
"Jacob's been keeping a lot of secrets," he added with a grin, knowing she wouldn't pick up so much as half the meanings that sentence had. Bella remained silent, and his smile didn't so much as flicker.
What's wrong with me?
"For instance, did you note the smaller gray wolf there last night?" he asked.
Bella only nodded stiffly.
Edward chuckled slightly. "They take all of their legends so seriously. It turns out there are things that none of their stories prepared them for." Oh, what a pretty little surprise that must've been…
She sighed and looked away. "Okay, I'll bite. What are you talking about?"
"They always accepted without question that it was only the direct grandsons of the original wolf who had the power to transform…" he began.
"So someone changed who wasn't a direct descendant?"
Edward gave a crooked smirk. "No. She's a direct descendant all right."
Bella's eyes widened as it sank in. "She?"
I can't believe my distraction actually worked. I'd have Jacob's fingers around my throat if I pulled that with him-
Edward cut himself off again and overrode the thought with his response to her question. "She knows you. Her name is Leah Clearwater."
"Leah's a werewolf?" Bella shrieked, her hands rising to her mouth. "What? For how long? Why didn't Jacob tell me?"
And she has the gall to sound betrayed. "There are things he wasn't allowed to share-their numbers, for instance," the vampire pointed out firmly. "Like I said before, when Sam gives an order, the pack simply isn't able to ignore it. Jacob was very careful to think of other things when he was near me-" Hey, I shouldn't be defending him… "Of course, after last night, that's all out the window." He added with another chuckle.
"I can't believe it. Leah Clearwater…" Bella trailed off, her eyes still wide, and she was clearly running through thoughts in her mind, probably putting pieces together. Meanwhile, Edward hid his clenched fists behind his back. The pull between Bella and Jacob had never felt so poignant for him. Part of him hated that the werewolf was stirring up these strange, negative feelings in him, but the other part was just curious enough to question the point and reasonableness in his and Bella's relationship. Something was just feeling more and more off with them. Something about Bella's behavior, about his own, about their interactions… Something was making him feel uncomfortable and aggravated by the whole thing.
More than anything else, in that moment, he wanted to see Jacob.
"Poor Leah," Bella whispered, probably having reached her own conclusion.
This time, when Edward tried to stifle a laugh, a rather pointed snort came out instead. "She's making life exceedingly unpleasant for the rest of them. I'm not sure she deserves your sympathy."
Bella blinked up at him, her previous anger looking almost gone. "What do you mean?"
"It's hard enough for them, having to share all their thoughts," Edward explained, his growing sympathy for the wolf pack starting to show, "Most of them try to cooperate, make it easier. But when even one member is deliberately malicious, it's painful for everyone."
"She has reason enough…"
Edward sighed. "Oh, I know. The imprinting compulsion is one of the strangest things I've ever witnessed in my life, and I've seen some strange things." He shook his head, toying around with the concept in his mind for the hundredth time. "The way Sam is tied to his Emily is impossible to describe-or I should say her Sam. Sam really had no choice. It reminds me of A Midsummer Night's Dream with all the chaos caused by the fairies' love spells… like magic." He smiled, but his heart just didn't feel in it. Still, with their argument over, it was only fair that he toss her a conciliatory line. It's very nearly as strong as the way I feel about you."
It was Bella's turn to sigh. "Poor Leah. But what do you mean, malicious?"
"She's constantly bringing up things they'd rather not think of. For example, Embry." He vividly remembered the triangle of stress flowing through a portion of the pack. The confusion of possibly, maybe having another bond, but never being sure.
"What's with Embry?"
The memory replayed in Edward's mind, the same one that was playing on repeat in Embry's. "His mother moved down from the Makah reservation seventeen years ago, when she was pregnant with him. She's not Quileute. Everyone assumed she'd left his father behind with the Makahs. But then he joined the pack."
"So?" Bella asked, not quite understanding.
"So the prime candidates for his father are Quil Ateara Sr., Joshua Uley, or Billy Black, all of them married at that point, of course."
She gasped. "No!"
Edward shrugged with a sort of what-can-you-do quirk of his lips. "Now Sam, Jacob and Quil all wonder which of them has a half-brother. They'd all like to think it's Sam, since his father was never much of a father. But the doubt is always there. Jacob's never been able to ask Billy about that."
"Wow." The dark haired girl blinked slowly, thoughtfully staring down at her plate. "How did you get so much in one night?" she asked suddenly.
"The pack mind is mesmerizing. All thinking together and then separately at the same time. There's so much to read!" He smiled, knowing some of his excitement was showing through. His fascination with werewolves really was a bit unhealthy, but he couldn't stop himself. From Jacob's story a few days ago, Edward could sort of understand what it was like to be one of them, but nothing made it as clear and tangible as standing in a pack's presence.
Bella smiled back, but the edge to it set off a warning alarm in Edward's mind. "The pack is fascinating. Almost as fascinating as you are when you're trying to distract me."
Edward's calm and mostly pleasant expression slipped off his face.
"I have to be in that clearing, Edward."
"No," he replied flatly and stared down at her, waiting for the next unreasonable reason she was going to throw at him.
Instantly, her gaze fell to the table and locks of her hair slid out of their tuck behind her ear and into her face-just enough for Edward's concern to override the other emotion for a moment.
"Okay, look, Edward," she whispered, "Here's the thing… I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are." Her balled fists tightened on the countertop. "And I can't stand it if you leave me again!"
Edward's breath caught in his throat as he watched her whole frame seem to collapse. Sometimes he forgot how much he had damaged her. At the time, he thought it would be a good idea for them to have some time apart, but he had never imagined how attached she already was. That she had subconsciously been attempting suicide was his fault and he knew it. And now, even knowing she was that fragile, he still continued to say and do stupid things like that. He quickly stepped around the corner and drew her into his arms, stroking her face and hair comfortingly. I really can't believe myself sometimes…
It was his indecision that was doing this to him. Every time he pulled Bella close, he longed to soften the blow for Jacob, and every time he held Jacob close, he hated himself for what Bella would feel. He would do anything, anything, to be able to make them both happy. Even though he hated Jacob almost as much as he wanted to be with the man, there was still a part of him who… cared, in a way. But how was that right when he was also Edward's biggest threat? He was the only one who could possibly take Bella away from him.
And he didn't want to lose her any more than she wanted to lose him.
"You know it's not like that, Bella," he said quietly, burying his face in her hair and reminding himself of who he loved and who he was supposed to be loving. "I won't be far, and it will be over quickly."
Bella didn't look up. "I can't stand it. Not know whether or not you'll come back. How do I live through that, no matter how quickly it's over?"
He sighed and gave her a quick squeeze. "It's going to be easy, Bella. There's no reason for your fears.
"None at all?"
"None."
"And everyone will be fine?"
"Everyone."
"So there's no way at all that I need to be in the clearing?"
He would've been annoyed, except that he knew he had well and truly earned this particular annoyance. "Of course not. Alice just told me that they're down to nineteen. We'll be able to handle them easily."
"That's right-you said it was so easy that someone could sit out. Did you really mean that?" she looked up at him, blinking vulnerably.
Not sensing the trap, Edward nodded. "Yes."
"So easy that you could sit out?"
Edward's forced smile vanished and he stared down at her blankly. She stared back at him levelly. "So it's one way or the other," she said at last, her previous emotional weakness completely gone and her voice driving the finality of her ultimatum straight through his chest. "Either there is more danger than you want me to know about, in which case it would be right for me to be there, to do what I can to help. Or… it's going to be so easy that they'll get by without you. Which way is it?"
Edward was silent. What does she think she can possibly do? Why does she think this battle will either be incredibly hard or incredibly easy? Doesn't she know there's an in-between, a gray area of 'we'll just barely be able to do it, but we will be able to'? He pictured his family trying to fight the newborn army without himself to tell them what the group was thinking. He pictured the wolf pack fighting valiantly beside his family, picking up the slack that Edward's absence would create… They had a sort of sixth-sense with vampires, but would it be enough? Maybe. But that was a maybe Edward didn't want to risk.
"You ask me to let them fight without my help?" he asked quietly, barely able to speak through the bile rising in his throat.
"Yes. Or let me be there." Her tone was even and merciless. "Either way, so long as were together."
He drew a deep breath in and out and let her go. The nausea and crawling feeling had come back even stronger, but… but now he was aware that Bella was in pain, too. But she was willing to risk the lives of everyone she cared about just for a half hour's comfort… But she also loved him. Was she a good person or a bad one? How could he ever know without reading her mind? He pulled back a bit more and took her face in his hands, staring deep into those eyes that he used to only see as warm and gentle brown. But now he saw the edge in them. The damaged soul. It had toughened her. Made her more cruel towards other people. His abandonment had done that to her, and so he had to face the consequences.
He let go of her face and pulled out his phone again, re-dialing the number that had last called him. He heard a click on the other line.
"Alice, could you babysit Bella for a bit?" he asked, hoping she didn't notice the double-edged disgust and guilt that threatened to overwhelm him. He was a man who cleaned up his own messes, but he still hated having to do so.
"Sure," she answered cheerfully, and Edward would be surprised if she hadn't watched the fight and the subsequent decision.
Bella bit her lip. "What are you going to say to Jasper?" she asked in a whisper.
Edward bit his tongue against a hundred things and said, "I'm going to discuss…" Me abandoning my family. Me jeopardizing the people I care for. "-me sitting out."
Bella lowered her gaze again. "I'm sorry."
No you aren't. But it's my fault that you aren't. "Don't apologize," he said with a tight smile. "Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Bella. If this is what you need… You are my first priority."
"I didn't mean it that way-like you have to choose me over your family."
Liar. He forced himself to make a vaguely casual waving-off gesture. "I know that. Besides, that's not what you asked. You gave me two alternatives that you could live with, and I chose the one that I could live with. That's how compromise is supposed to work," he added, with no small amount of sarcasm. Not that he let that part show.
She leaned against his chest and he stayed put. "Thank you," she murmured.
He buried his face in her hair again. "Anytime. Anything."
As they stayed frozen like that for a long moment, Edward remembered the things she had said during her sleep. Most of it had made sense, and it had clearly been a battle, but there was something else… Something he had never heard of and that Bella had never mentioned.
"Who's the third wife?" he asked.
She tensed ever so slightly. "Huh?"
Edward tensed as well, hearing alarm bells in his mind. "You were mumbling something about 'the third wife' last night. The rest made a little sense, but you lost me there."
"Oh. Um, yeah," her fingers fidgeted with the cloth of his shirt and she wouldn't look up. "That was just one of the stories that I heard at the bonfire the other night. I guess it stuck with me."
Edward stepped away from her, still watching her face for nonverbal clues. Legends? Jacob would know, then. And it was obviously something that Bella didn't want Edward knowing. Was it about a vampire weakness, or a werewolf weakness? Or a fairy tale that had shifted her morals in a direction that Edward wouldn't like?
Before he could ask, the front door opened with the sharp crack of a breaking lock and Alice appeared in the kitchen. "You're going to miss all the fun," she said without greeting, and Edward knew she had seen a vision assuring what Bella had decided.
"Hello, Alice," he replied simply, bending down to give Bella a thankfully brief kiss before pushing away and walking towards the doorway. "I'll be back later tonight. I'll go work this out with the others, rearrange things." Tell them a prayer might be a good idea because of this.
"Okay," Bella smiled, her mood quickly coming back.
"There's not much to arrange. I already told them. Emmett is pleased," Alice pointed out, probably reading the growing thunderstorm in his behavior and heading it off. Or at least giving him an excuse to avoid the family for a while without having to worry about it.
At the Emmett comment, Edward sighed a bit in exasperation. He always seemed to be competitive when it came to vampirism-like being in the newborn battle would make him superior. "Of course he is."
Before he could leave, Alice's eyes shot to his and she flashed him a quick thought. I'll take care of things here. Calm Bella down, get her an excuse to be at our house for the weekend, iron out a safe plan for Charlie… Get out of here. You look like you could use some alone time to break things.
The sparkle in her eyes said she understood, and Bella's attention immediately gravitated towards Alice's presence, so Edward didn't feel bad at all about storming out of the room and shutting the door with a bit more force than necessary.
x X x
Still, he didn't break anything. He took the long route home and walked at the normal human speed, breathing slowly and calmly. He didn't talk to his family, but he gleaned enough information from their minds to know they would mostly be able to do alright. They wouldn't be fighting blind, but they would be fighting in fog, so it wasn't a guaranteed win anymore.
So Edward distracted himself with a project he had been toying with lately. In his closet, he had a box full of all of his late mother's belongings. They had hardly been a rich family at the time, and so her possessions were rather meager, but there were gems. Not just the literal kind, either, though there were some.
And, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of his closet, staring into the cardboard box, Edward decided to finally take the time to see everything he had.
When he was newly transformed, he didn't care. When he went on his vendetta against every free criminal he could find, he didn't care. When he was too busy choking back his urge to fulfill an addiction and forcing himself to live of animal blood, he didn't care. When he started stalking and then dating Bella, he didn't care. When he left, he didn't care. When he came back, he didn't care.
But now, re-evaluating every relationship he was in and had been in, he cared.
He pulled things out one by one and laid them out in a semi-circle around him, next to the box. There was a handkerchief with his mother's initials, and an old photograph of them standing together-just him and his mother-when he was probably no older than ten. There were some tarnished silver jewelry pieces and, of all things, a pair of napkin rings. There was a letter, but the ink was too faded for Edward to read it, and there was a coat pin in the shape of a flower that looked rather wilted to him.
There were also two fuzzy boxes.
He knew what was in both of them, but he didn't know which thing was in which box. A normal person would probably point out that simply opening them both would be a good idea and the key to finding the wanted object, but Edward was stopped by a deep-seeded dislike of seeing the other object. One of the items in the box was the 'representation' he had convinced Bella to accept. The charm he wanted to give her. The other… The other was a ring.
When his newborn insanity faded enough for him to speak and reason properly, Carlisle had approached him with that box of items. Your mother is dead, the doctor told him. But we recovered a few of her belongings. He gave Edward the big box, and then he gave him those two fuzzy boxes. We decided to cremate her body, Carlisle continued, but we decided to strip her of these first and pass them on to you. He then said a bunch of other things after that that Edward neither heard nor gave a damn about, since shock was still ringing in his ears. At the time, he was just beginning to be aware of himself and of time, and he had learned several things at once: he was an orphan, he was a soulless monster, it was now the mid 1920's, and vampires were real. It was, understandably, overwhelming.
One of the worst bits of it, though, was that he now owned his mother's wedding ring. As a child, he hated that thing. It stood as a constant reminder of his father's absence and his mother's denial, and it was a metal coil that keep his family bound and alone without a strong male to take care of them. Edward had done the best he could to fill that role, and so had his mother, who-of all the undignified things-actually got a job to support them. And it was the ring and the reason for it's continued presence that made all of that necessary.
So Edward never opened the box. Never touched it, never wanted to, but… at some point, he knew he needed to. At some point, he would marry Bella, and he would traditionally give her his mother's ring. The vampire reached into the box and let his fingers just barely brush the worn velvet, and his eyes narrowed at the object. If his fear of commitment had kicked up before, it was firing off in all directions then. He would be spending the rest of his eternity next to one person-and a month ago, that hadn't bothered him. A month ago, he didn't even bat an eye.
But now… now… it meant something. Now he had an alternative, however unwanted. Or… should be unwanted. Or, was vitally necessary to be unwanted. Bella was, despite her many flaws, nearly his perfect match. He should be happy with her. She was calm and soft-spoken, and a girl that fit right in with the time period he was most comfortable in. She wanted neither an education nor a career, and seemed only interested in being his bride. She was also willing to lose her soul for him, to stand with him for all eternity, and she was fairly pretty. He wasn't sure how she felt about children, but since he couldn't give her any, he figured that could just stay out of the equation.
Bella was perfect.
Jacob… Jacob was everything that Edward shouldn't pick. He was male, for one. A werewolf, for another. A volatile teenage boy, for a third. He was wild and untamable, and about as predictable as cast dice. And he was male, in case anyone missed that. That he healed Edward, made him feel more like a human, made him feel at home in his own skin for once, had nothing to do with anything.
Jacob was about as imperfect as it got.
Edward slowly picked up the fuzzy box he had been touching and brought it up to eye-level. Either this contained his mark of ownership on Bella, or it contained Bella's future mark of ownership on him. Oh sure, she would be wearing it, but the leash went both ways, and Edward would be spending all of eternity with one person. The same person who knew nothing and understood nothing about vampires. The same person who had emotionally blackmailed him into choosing her over his own family's safety. The same person who only loved him because of his chemical effect on her.
But didn't Jacob only lo- want him because of the pull between their two supernatural creatures?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. For the first couple weeks, Edward was sure that was the only thing that kept drawing Jacob back, but lately… there was something else there. Something intangible. Something human. Lately, it was human-Jacob who reached for Edward. The wolf was only sitting in the background and salivating.
But it didn't matter who was what for which reasons. Bella was the one he was always intended to love.
Edward flicked the box open with his thumb and a diamond sparkled back at him.
x X x
By the time he was back to Bella's house, sprawled artfully and intentionally across her bed, he was calmed. Wherever his emotions were leading him, the answer was simple. Nothing mattered except marrying a woman whose only ambition is to end up with him-and he had that, thankyouverymuchJacobBlack. There was no need for hesitation, no need to question his relationship with Bella, and no need for all of this self-doubting and self-destructive indecision.
At just a little before midnight, Bella arrived in her room.
"What time are we meeting with the wolves?" she asked, flopping down on the bed beside him, smiling from her afternoon with Alice.
Edward smiled back. "In an hour."
"That's good. Jake and his friends need to get some sleep."
"They don't need it as much as you do," Edward disagreed, seeing how she sank almost too easily onto the bed and how her eyes fluttered closed occasionally.
"Did Alice tell you that she's kidnapping me again?" Bella asked suddenly, and Edward's smile widened. He had spoken with his sort-of sister about that a couple days ago, after he'd decided that forcibly holding Bella hostage had been a bit inappropriate.
"Actually, she's not," he corrected with a grin.
She stared, confused.
"I'm the only one who has permission to hold you hostage, remember?" He sighed, though, remembering that with his trust of Jacob, he didn't really have to worry about restricting her from La Push. She hadn't seemed to want to go lately much, either. "I guess I don't need to do that now."
"You're kidnapping me?" Bella's eyes widened.
Edward nodded, still smiling. She continued to stare. She continued to do so, until Edward's confidence started to sink. Does she not like that idea? "Is that alright?" he asked.
She looked hesitant. "Well… sure, except for one thing."
Edward leaned forward. "What thing?" he asked. He had thought she would've jumped all over the opportunity.
"Why didn't Alice tell Charlie you were leaving tonight?" And the question was so inane, Edward had to laugh.
x X x
When the two of them got to the clearing that night, Edward could already hear Emmett and Jasper fighting. His other family members were paired up and chatting lightly, and there were three wolves in the clearing. It seemed the whole pack decided not to go, but still wanted representation. Apparently Jacob had been their choice, and he decided to take his two best friends again: Quil and Embry. It seemed, for all his trust in Edward, he still didn't like being in a large group of vampires.
The three were sitting close together, but the slight hunch in Jacob's frame showed he still held himself a bit detached from the others. He was focused almost obsessively on the fight in front of him, and when he wasn't thinking about that, his mind was turning over each and every detail around him and describing it explicitly. So far, it had kept his mind clear of Edward and clear of evidence of their former affair.
Too bad it's too late for that, Edward thought, with a cynical quirk of his lips.
"Where are the rest of the wolves?" Bella asked, her gaze on the three that were present.
"They don't all need to be here," Edward answered, noticing that the wolves had heard the conversation and three identical stories were floating to the surface of their mind. He told what he saw. "One would do the job, but Sam didn't trust us enough to just send Jacob, though Jacob was willing. Quil and Embry are his usual…" Edward briefly grasped around for a word. "I guess you could call them his wingmen."
"Jacob trusts you." The statement came out as almost a question.
Edward nodded. "He trusts us not to try to kill him. That's about it, though." Then again, he does trust me better than he trusts my family. Sort of.
"Are you participating tonight?"
Edward swallowed back his regret and didn't let his previous disgust come back up. "I'll help Jasper when he needs it. He wants to try some unequal groupings, teach them how to deal with multiple attackers."
He and Bella watched Jasper and Emmett fight for a while longer, but a sudden motion from the wolves had Edward's attention snapping back to them. Jacob was on his feet and padding lightly towards them, that odd doglike grin on his face.
"Jacob," Edward greeted, careful to still be as coolly neutral as he had been the night before. He caught a brief flash of annoyance and hurt from Jacob before it was quickly stifled, and Edward made himself feel nothing.
Edward, Jacob returned, but his politeness had an edge. He turned pointedly away from the other man and crouched in front of Bella. What are you depressed about now? You aren't still worried, are you? He asked with a low whine in her direction.
Edward opened his mouth to translate, but Bella didn't need one.
"I'm fine, just worried, you know," she replied softly.
Why? Jacob rolled his eyes. That's really stupid. What is there to be worried about? A pack of werewolves and a damn magical vampire coven against an army of babies? They don't stand a chance.
Edward glanced down at Bella. "He wants to know why," he told Bella, censoring the cocky werewolven attitude from the reply.
Jacob shot him a quick, annoyed growl. If you're going to play Telephone, do it right.
Edward's lips quirked towards an amused smile at that and was just about to reply, when Bella's "What?" interrupted him.
He looked back at her again. "He thinks my translations leave something to be desired. What he actually thought was, 'That's really stupid. What is there to be worried about?' I edited because I thought it was rude."
Bella smiled a bit disparagingly at the wolf. "There's plenty to be worried about. Like a bunch of really stupid wolves getting themselves hurt."
Jacob laughed derisively, a low and doglike echo of Edward's earlier. We're werewolves, Bella-not a bunch of people who can turn into dogs! When will you get that? We're born for this.
Edward rolled his eyes at that, even though he privately agreed with it, since Bella obviously wouldn't be able to hear the man.
Across the clearing, Jasper looked at him. Could you come here a moment, Edward? I need someone to tag-team Emmett with.
Edward sighed, deciding he'd much rather be spending time with Bella and Jacob, but he knew he couldn't just leave his brother hanging. He looked over at dog and girl. "Jasper wants help. You'll be okay without a translator?"
"I'll manage," Bella replied flatly, and Edward wondered briefly about her sudden prickliness. He stared at her a moment, but gleaning nothing from her facial expression, jogged over to his siblings.
For the rest of the night, he play-battled with the other vampires. He beat Jasper and Emmett, but Alice beat him. He and Carlisle tied-once again, Edward's mind-reading capabilities were evenly matched against more experience. All the while, he watched Bella and Jacob out of the corner of his eye. Jacob was leaning heavily on Bella's presence to help shield his secrets, and focused on her every detail as she sat next to him. To anyone who didn't know, Jacob would seem contently in love with Bella… But Edward, Quil and Embry were not fooled. Edward could hear the other two pack members being careful not to think of Jacob or himself and were as obsessively focused on the vampire scuffles in front of them as Jacob was.
Eventually, though, everyone wandered off two by two. Carlisle and Esme went back home, followed shortly by Emmett and Rosalie. Quil and Embry left shortly after that, but Jacob stayed behind to watch the three-way battle between Jasper, Alice and Edward. Bella just silently watched them for another hour.
When he saw Bella start swaying where she sat, Edward put the battle on hold. "I think it's time I took Bella home. She could use a decent amount of sleep tonight," he pointed out, and the other three agreed. Edward was just about to turn and take Bella back to his car when Jacob moved between them.
Can I talk to you for a… a minute? Alone? He asked, lowering his head slightly so he was at eyelevel, and Edward hesitated. Alice quickly stepped in, though. "I'll drive Bella home-you don't have to worry about it." Her gaze flicked between the werewolf and the vampire. "You two work out whatever needs working out."
"Good night, then," Jasper waved to them, and the two Cullens and Bella disappeared into the trees.
As soon as they were gone, Jacob phased back into a human and got dressed in front of Edward-who was pointedly looking away. He didn't know why Jacob was suddenly okay with nudity in front of him, but Edward sure as hell wasn't and he didn't appreciate the one-way comfortableness.
"What did you want to talk about?" Edward asked stiffly, still avoiding Jacob's sharp gaze. He instantly heard a hundred thoughts swarm the other man's mind.
"Nothing in particular," Jacob replied with a slight cock of his head that Edward caught out of the corner of his eye. But after that short, sideways glance, he couldn't help but turn and get a good look at him.
Jacob was back to his regular scent, looking like a powerful werewolf again, but there was still something off. He was shaking minutely-not like a wolf about to phase, but like a man who was fighting exhaustion with every breath. His thoughts whirled slowly and sometimes vanished to a blank slate before jerking back to life. As they stared at one another, Edward noticed from Jacob's mind and body that he was in that oddly energized state that people reached when they hadn't slept for extended periods of time.
"Why did you pull me aside, then?" Edward asked coldly, trying to brush off his growing concern. He didn't look away this time, though.
Jacob clenched his teeth and glanced around before looking back at Edward. "I just feel… odd. And wondered if you felt that way, too." He met Edward's gaze, and Edward noticed an edge of vulnerability that he hadn't before. Like Jacob trusted him enough to expose a weakness. The fool.
"I feel like time is moving too fast or too slow or something. Like I'm detached from reality, in a weird way. Do you feel that at all? There's like this sheet of glass between me and…" he trailed off, but Edward still understood. He saw Jacob's vivid mental picture of the man watching the world through a window and occasionally reaching up to press his fingers longingly against the pane.
Sadly enough, Edward knew the feeling exactly. For the last few days, there seemed to be a screen between him and what was going on around him. Something that made him downright uncomfortable, and while the fact that he wasn't the only one feeling strange softened the discomfort, he didn't want to admit it out loud. "Your very existence is a detachment from reality," he grumbled, crossing his arms and looking away again.
The continued presence of the werewolf was making his skin prickle.
Jacob blinked at him. "What do you mean?"
He doesn't understand. He just doesn't get why his behavior and attraction make no sense at all. Why he makes no sense at all.
I'll have to tell him.
Frustrated, Edward took several steps forward, until he was breathing the Jacob's very air. The other man froze. "I mean… Look at you, Jacob," Edward reached out and grasped the werewolf by both shoulders, holding him at arm's length and studying him critically. He could feel hysteria mix with the bafflement in his own mind, and it was the sort of wild confusion that echoed in Jacob's wide and startled eyes. "You're completely sober!" He peered into the man's eyes, "No dilation or fuzziness," he dropped one shoulder and brushed his fingers over Jacob's exposed chest, feeling his heart rate as clearly as he heard it every time they stood in one another's presences. "Your heart is racing, but it's not fluttering and faltering." He let his hand linger there as he met Jacob's gaze again. "And you're thinking… mostly clearly. You're as sober as it gets."
Jacob stared at him, looking like he was really trying to understand, but wasn't. Edward could hear that he wasn't.
"Sober… as opposed to what?" the wolf asked at last.
"You aren't completely high off my presence!" Edward growled, finally snapping and shaking him. "The pheromones are just bouncing off your system. You have no reason to be attracted to me! None! My smell, my taste, my appearance…. All of that, if I use it to the best of my abilities, can bring any human-any gender, any age-to their knees no matter how much self-control or resistance they have. That's simply how being the perfect predator works. But here you are, under my control, with no prey-compulsion at all!" He could sense Jacob's happiness at being in Edward's presence, and his willingness to help Edward any way that he could or just to make him happy.
I'm not under your control! Briefly flashed through Jacob's mind, stirred up by the words of superiority, but aloud he said, "What's your point? Does that bother you?"
"Yes! It does!" Edward retorted and snatched his hands away from Jacob, needing to put space between them again. The wolf was faster, though, and Edward soon found both his wrists caught. Again.
"Why?"
"You have no business being attracted to me!"
"Did you forget our conversation in the forest?" Before you had a panic attack and bolted?
Edward merely glared back at him. The wolf didn't need to keep pressing. He was just stirring up trouble. And why had Edward even stayed behind when everyone left, anyway?
After a beat of silence, Jacob continued, "You know, I wasn't lying when-"
"Will you just drop it?" he spat, his anger flaring up.
Almost immediately, he heard answering fury from Jacob's mind. "No! Why are you so god-damned stubborn about all this? Why are you running? Why are you pushing away?"
"Because you're so disgustingly and ignorantly misunderstanding all of this!"
Oh yeah? Jacob leaned forward with a dark grin, and his hands tugged Edward closer. "I disagree. And I'm going to kiss you again… Because I'm ninety-nine percent sure you want me to."
"No, you don't-" Edward's sharp retort was cut off by the press of white-hot lips against his and he reeled. Jacob's released his wrists and moved to wrap around Edward's waist. Edward's hands shot up to Jacob's chest and tried to push him away, but only succeeded at clutching at the warm and overwhelming expanse of skin in front of him. As Jacob's head tilted just the right amount Edward was hit with a sudden and inexplicable click. The click of two people coming together who just meshed. Two people who belonged together.
He forcibly turned away.
"I don't, Jacob. Stop it. I'm not interested." But his voice shook and the protest lost all conviction.
"I don't believe you," the other man replied simply, nuzzling Edward's neck.
"It's-" True, he meant to say, but his words trailed off into a low moan that seemed to be giving Jacob, who was currently kissing his way up Edward's throat and onto his jaw, the completely wrong idea.
"I want you," Jacob murmured, emphasizing every word with a low, masculine rumble.
Me, too! Edward's heart cried, while another part was chanting No, no, no, no, no…
And since that feeling of Wrong had gone away, that must mean that this was the correct choice, right? This was where he… belonged…?
It was Edward's sudden, flaring, total panic that gave him the strength to shove Jacob away from him as hard as he could. He heard Jacob hit something and crumple yards and yards away, but he was too busy clenching his fists with his eyes screwed shut to pay any attention to the other man's injuries.
"YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO!" The scream reverberated through the trees, and Edward instantly regretted it. He hadn't meant to be that loud. But since too-warm arms didn't immediately envelope him again, he supposed his point was made.
He slowly opened his eyes and saw Jacob pushing himself to his feet on the other side of the clearing. The man stood, rolling his arms and blinking rapidly. He staggered a moment, but straightened himself up and glared at Edward. He had obviously hit one of the trees hard, but was fighting to shake the blow off.
Before the man could get too far away from the trees, though, Edward shot forward and cut him off so they were standing just a few feet from the forest's edge. Up close, he saw Jacob's eyes flashing with a multitude of emotions, and his mind whirled too fast for Edward to pick out individual raindrops from the raging storm.
"I'm not going to give up on this," Jacob hissed, stepping back into Edward's personal space, and every battling feeling in Edward compounded into two simple yet endlessly complicated ones.
Love and hatred.
And as he heard the exact same thing happen in Jacob's mind, the vampire felt a shift between them again. Suddenly, what had been difficult, was easy. Well, not easy exactly, but simpler. They weren't trying to cross a web of a hundred different emotions, they were walking a fine line between just two.
And in that moment, they picked the same emotion.
"I'm. Not. Giving. Up," Jacob repeated slowly and emphatically, and reached for Edward again just as Edward reached to push him back. They both only ended up holding one another. With a snarl of frustration, Edward tried to twist out of the grip around his shoulders, but Jacob held on. He didn't look like he was amused or victorious, but Edward felt humiliated anyway. Why can't I get rid of this man?
"Fuck you, Jacob! Fuck. You." Edward was sick of this. Sick of Jacob. Sick of himself. Sick of the whole damn situation that made him into a liar and a fool and made his whole icy body feel like it was lit ablaze. Even then, he could feel the heat sinking into his skin from Jacob, who had goose bumps from his contact with the vampire's skin. It didn't make any sense, why they worked together, but somehow they did. Like they had a shelter in their mutual confusion, even though they were the cause of it in the other. For once, Edward could revel in the luxury of just raw emotion. No one to please, no one to impress. And Jacob, from the sound of the thoughts rising from the very core of his mind, was enjoying the same thing.
"I hate you," Jacob hissed, his breath hot against Edward's ear and his eyes mere inches away. But Edward knew the man wasn't just trying to inform him of this, he was trying to convince them both. He knew, just like the vampire did, that this wasn't how things were supposed to be. But unlike Edward, he couldn't fight the temptation. And hated himself for it. Jacob's breath was starting to come out in rattling pants, and his fingers were shaking as they clung to fistfuls of Edward's shirt. "I hate you!"
"I hate you more!" Edward spat back, and at least he was telling the truth. He shoved the man off of him viciously and watched as he flew back several feet again, hitting his back against the trunk of a nearby tree again, and slid to the ground. Jacob flinched at the pain, but he never closed his eyes-he only stared Edward down with his emphatic glare and slowly pushed himself back to his feet. Again. Edward's eyes widened as, without warning, the werewolf shoved away from the tree trunk and launched himself at the vampire, knocking them both to the ground. Edward's breath left him in a gasp as his back hit the cool earth hard and Jacob straddled him, pinning him there.
"You don't know anything about hatred! I hate you," Jacob was still panting, but they were starting to sound like sobs and his eyes were blurry. "You're ruining my fucking life." My friends, my family, my sanity, I'm losing it all! "I… I can't eat… I can't sleep… I wish I'd never met you! I wish you were dead! I wish… I want…" His voice broke and he somehow managed to shove Edward even harder into the ground, like he wanted to bury him. Edward twisted and tried to pull away.
"You're always wishing! You're always wanting! When are you ever going to-" he broke off when Jacob's mouth was suddenly on his, hard and desperate. Edward could feel blood from where Jacob had cut his lip on his eyeteeth drip into his mouth and he gagged at the acidic taste. Shock roared in his ears and the outside world felt like it was dropping out from underneath him. The pain in his shoulders, where they were still being pressed into the ground, the way the arms Jacob was clutching felt like they were going to melt, the way Jacob's hair was brushing Edward's forehead like it was trying to soften the passionate onslaught… None of it mattered. I have to get out of here!
Edward struggled frantically, but Jacob with his size and weight had the advantage. His hands were still pinning Edward's to the ground, and his hips were keeping Edward's grounded as well. And though he knew if he tried, really tried, he could throw Jacob off-he couldn't quite… couldn't seem to…
And all the while, Edward could feel the most bizarre emotion pulsing off the other man. It still contained the hatred and disgust for his very existence, and the baffled pain of the compulsion between them, but there was a different purity to it. A defining feature that said, no matter what Edward did, Jacob would always be next to him. There for him. With no pheromone compulsion at all, the man would stay by him. It wasn't a joyful feeling, not exactly, but one of completion, and his next words rocked Edward to his core.
"Don't leave me, and I won't ever leave you," Jacob whispered, pulling his lips away from Edward's for one freezing moment, and then replaced them with a somehow greater passion. I think I love him, his mind murmured. The world turned upside-down and inside out, then finally slotted into place as understanding flooded him as hot and heavy as the werewolf on top of him. Jacob didn't just like him. He didn't just lust after him. He didn't just feel a wolf-driven compulsion to own and dominant. He wasn't even the slightest bit influenced by Edward's pheromones…
He loved him. Jacob loved him. Edward stopped struggling, the resistance slowly flowing away from his body. But Jacob didn't loosen his hold on Edward's wrists, didn't take his mouth away but… He wasn't just being desperate and lusty now. The kiss was frantic and needful and scorching… Like Jacob wanted to imprint the message on Edward's mind and body. And the nauseating blood now dripping down his throat was forgotten.
Edward kissed him back.
As soon as he did, he felt a roaring, triumphant joy answer from Jacob's mind. The bizarre emotion came back with a firework-inducing frenzy, but now Edward could identify it: love. And it was dazzling.
But wait-Bella loves me, too.
Jacob's thumbs were caressing the frozen veins of Edward's forearms and his hands slid to Edward's shoulders.
She only loves me because of my vampire attraction.
Edward tilted his head back, his eyes fluttering closed again and his body arching against the overwhelming heat. Jacob pulled his lips away and trailed them back down to Edward's throat, just above the first button on his shirt.
Why does Jacob love me, then?
As Jacob nipped at that top button, contemplating tearing it off, Edward forced his eyes open and looked down at him. "Wh-why…?"
Jacob sat up slightly, watching Edward through half-lowered lids, and only then did he see the desperation and desire in the wolf's eyes. "I don't know," he answered in a whisper.
Edward struggled to sit up as well. "Well then, why are you…" he trailed off, the question unnecessary. Neither of them had the answers to anything. But before he could get up, Jacob leaned forward, put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Just… a hug.
"Stop running away." It almost sounded like a reprimand.
"You don't get it," Edward all but growled back, the slow-burning panic returning to focus. "This isn't… It's not how it's… I'm taken," he finished wearily.
"You really think Bella's right for you?"
"It doesn't matter! She's the right choice," Edward retorted, pushing against Jacob's chest and forcing space between them. Jacob squeezed harder, fighting the vampire's strength with his own. "Get off me!"
"No," Jacob shot back, another arm coming up to wrap around Edward's waist. "You only seem to listen to me when I-"
"Off!" Edward snarled, this time punctuating it with a strike. A hard one. He heard a pained grunt in his ear and the shattering of a collarbone, and the arm around his shoulders slackened. He shoved Jacob the rest of the way off of him and the man glared at him, one hand pressed to his right shoulder and breathing hard.
"Just-just-stay away from me!" Edward spat, sitting back into a crouch with one hand on the ground to balance him and to make it easier to spring away if necessary.
"No!"
Edward both narrowed his eyes and sagged slightly. He couldn't keep fighting the man, not if he kept up this violent persistence. He couldn't keep denying that temptation, couldn't keep pushing his only comfort away. But why, no matter what Edward did to him, did Jacob keeping coming back? Because he loves me, he reluctantly answered his own question. But the vampire was getting tired and hurt and frustrated, and he just wanted to lean into the arms of someone strong enough to support him… But he couldn't. He had to deny this. He had to make the right decision. I have to choose Bella.
The two men listened in silence to the crackling and wet sound of flesh moving and bone rapidly knitting back together for a long moment.
"You can't keep doing this to me," Edward murmured at last, "It's just not fair."
Jacob's eyes kept boring into his with that same single-minded intensity, but his head cocked ever so slightly. Not fair?
Edward drew in a shaky breath. I have to be honest with him… For once, he knew, he'd have to be entirely upfront. It's the only way the man would understand. "You think I'm ruining your life… What do you think you're doing to mine? I used to be happy. Maybe things weren't perfect, but I could close my eyes and pretend they were-but you… you…"
Jacob stared at him impassively, reaching the emotionless state of mind that only came from having too many things to feel to feel anything at all.
"You bring everything that's wrong into sharp focus," Edward explained, his eyes moving uncomfortably between Jacob's gaze, the ground, and his own hands. "All I can see now is everything that's wrong with the life I'm living. You're doing this to me. You may think you're the only one that's confused, but I am too. I'm supposed to always be in control, Jacob. I'm never supposed to slip, or make mistakes, or lose focus. But then you come along, and it's like that's all I can do. I used to be happy!" he repeated emphatically, feeling his throat begin to tighten. "I used to love Bella, and I used to-"
"Wait," Jacob interrupted, leaning forward. "Used to?"
"I do," Edward corrected quickly. "I love her."
"Liar." There's a Freudian slip if I ever heard one. There was a ghost of a smirk on the other man's face.
"I do!" I have to!
Jacob merely reached out again and pulled him back into the hug. Edward considered pushing him away again, but he was just so damned tired. It was all he could do not to groan against the sensation of being burned inside out. "What do you want from me?" he muttered weakly, his forehead leaning on his shoulder.
Jacob's grip unconsciously tightened. "I've… I've been thinking. Ab-about this. About you. A lot." His words were stuttered and faltering, but Edward heard them and heard the sentiment resound in his mind. "I've been turning this all over, and having… thoughts and epiphanies and sudden… sudden…" He broke off with a mental shrug of frustration at the lack of words for it. "And… and among all this-I realized something." The dark-haired man leaned back and grasped Edward's upper arms, giving him a quick shake. "The wolf led me to you. The wolf showed me the way or opened the door or passed me the needle, however you want to look at it… But I walked through the door. I took the hit. Jacob-the-human wants this. I don't know why, but I want this."
He still sounded surprised, somehow.
"I-I-" Edward found he couldn't be coherent either. He leaned forward and let his forehead rest on Jacob's, his breath still rattling unevenly. "You… can't…"
"Why not?" Jacob's voice was ragged in his throat. "Why not?"
"I only… felt it in your mind," the vampire was frantic to explain, grasping as the last vestiges of his reasons for resisting. "The mind says a lot of things it doesn't… doesn't exactly mean. The mind doesn't have the censor that the mouth does… and so… Some things-"
"Do you want to hear it?" Jacob interrupted.
Edward squinted at Jacob, but the man was still blurry from being way, way too close. "What?"
"Do you want to hear it?" Jacob repeated slowly. Instantly, the vampire realized what the other meant to say out loud.
"N-no." Yes!
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't…" Please.
"Edward." Jacob's face tilted up until their lips just barely brushed, and Edward couldn't move. Couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. As Jacob spoke, their lips caught on one another, just like they had during their first kiss.
"Edward, I love you."
"Kiss me-you're all I'm wanting
Kill me-this feeling's haunting.
Your kiss is torture,
But killing me would be too easy."
~"Kiss Me, Kill Me" by Mest
A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger folks, but when this chapter started pushing 20,000 words, I decided to break it in half. Plus, it gave me an excuse to add another song to the soundtrack. x3 Anyway, I think this is the most emotional thing I've ever written, and I think/hope it turned out pretty well. Now our boys are finally on the same page-but it's hardly over. We've got five more chapters to go, and the next one will stay in Edward's point of view.
Hope you guys like it so far!