A/N: Thank you to for-prim for beta'ing this chapter in one night, especially with all of my weird tense issues that I had going on through this chapter. I appreciate it more than I can explain!
If you'd like to follow me on Tumblr, feel free: mellarkloves . tumblr . com!
The sound of loud knocking on the apartment door wakes Katniss from a deep sleep. Without thinking, she jumps out of bed, stumbling over the sheets that are still wrapped around her legs. The bright blue numbers on the alarm clock in the otherwise dark room reads 9:10am, and it's then that she finally realizes what is going on.
It is Christmas morning, and Katniss and Peeta had agreed to exchange gifts with Gale and Neil at 9am at Katniss's apartment.
Katniss rips her robe from the hook on her closet door and wraps it around her cold, shivering body, not bothering to look for her pajamas that are scattered across the floor at the moment. After fashioning a loose knot in the sash of her robe, she pulls open the blinds covering the windows, allowing sunlight to stream into the room.
"Get up, Peeta," Katniss says loudly, pushing on his shoulder. He groans and pulls the comforter up higher, burrowing further into the mattress. "Gale and Neil are here, we overslept."
With another groan, Peeta pulls himself up to sit on the edge of the bed, his hair unkempt, with curls sticking out in different directions. Katniss doesn't wait for him to get up and make himself look presentable. She sprints from the room, leaving Peeta still sitting on the bed looking confused.
Katniss pulls the door open to find Gale and Neil standing at the threshold, waiting. They're both dressed up and have clearly been awake for quite a while. Gale holds a wrapped box in his arms that Katniss is she and Peeta's gift.
"Well, Merry Christmas, Sunshine," Neil says with a chuckle.
"Merry Christmas," Katniss grumbles, inviting them in.
Gale walks straight into the small dining room, and places the wrapped box down on the table near the tree with the other gifts that are already there. It's a small tree, situated on top of the table. Since there is no room anywhere in the living room for the tree, and Katniss rarely uses the table to eat, anyway, she and Peeta decided that it was the best place for it. What matters to her isn't that the tree is small, or that it has to be put on the table, but that the tree is real. It's the first one she has ever put up in her own place, and she and Peeta picked it out together.
"Have a seat on the couch, Peeta and I can take the floor," Katniss says, gesturing with her hand for them to sit down. "I'll put on a pot of coffee."
Katniss disappears into the small kitchen, quickly going through the motions of preparing a pot of coffee before grabbing her tea kettle from the stove and filling it with water. Placing the kettle down on the burner, she pulls a teabag from the cabinet above the stove, and sets it down next to the mug Peeta uses the mornings he is there.
After exiting the kitchen, she notices Gale and Neil snickering on the couch as they peer down the hall. Katniss follows their eyes and sees Peeta stumbling tiredly down the hallway. He still looks half asleep, but at least he has clothes on now — sort of. His light blue lounge pants are wrinkled, and the drawstrings are stuck under the waistband. In his hand he clutches a simple, white t-shirt that he quickly pulls over his head as he enters the living room.
"Merry Christmas," Peeta says in Gale and Neil's direction, sleep still heavy in his voice. Without a care, he moves to Katniss and grabs her hips, bringing her body closer before kissing her.
Katniss can taste toothpaste and for a moment feels uneasy. She jumped out of bed so quickly she didn't have time to brush her teeth yet, but Peeta doesn't seem to mind.
"Merry Christmas," Peeta says again, but this time his tone indicates it's only for Katniss to hear.
Katniss returns the sentiment, looking up at him. She brushes his hair from his forehead and smiles at the sight of it falling right back to the unkempt state it was just in. "There's a kettle on for your tea and a pot of coffee for everyone else. I'm going to get dressed."
"We woke you guys up, didn't we?" Gale asks, amused. "We did say 9am, right?"
"Well, we overslept," Katniss replies, moving away from Peeta.
"Up late knocking boots?" Neil chimes in with a considerable amount of implication in his voice. Peeta flips his middle finger up to Neil. "I'll take that as a yes."
Katniss excuses herself to her bedroom to find her clothes. Piece by piece she plucks the discarded undergarments, lounge pants, and the t-shirt of Peeta's she wore to bed from the floor. She looks at the navy blue shirt, another novelty from Peeta's collection. The familiar red, Mario Brothers mushroom stares back at her before the words "size matters" catch her eye.
Shaking her head, she balls the t-shirt and her panties up and shoves them into the laundry basket. There was no way she was going to wear that shirt around Neil and Gale — she'd never hear the end of it.
While she dresses, she hears the tea kettle begin to whistle loudly, but almost as quickly as it started, the sound dies out, and she knows that Peeta must have gone and taken care of it.
Katniss can't help but smile. He was finally starting to act like he was comfortable there again. Not long after Thanksgiving, Peeta once again stopped abiding by his rule to stay at his own apartment on work nights. Now, he spends one night a week at his own place, at best.
After brushing her teeth, Katniss goes back out to the living room to find Peeta sitting on the floor with two steaming mugs in front of him on the coffee table and another two in front of Gale and Neil.
"Black with one tablespoon of sugar, right?" Peeta asks, pointing to her mug. Katniss nods as she plops down on the floor beside him, reaching for her mug and wrapping her hands around it and letting the heat from the coffee warm her chilled hands. With Peeta wanting to sleep with the windows open, her bedroom was almost constantly way colder than the rest of the apartment now that winter had taken over.
"What the hell are these?" Neil asks, pointing at the table. Katniss's eyes fall on the candy creatures that Peeta brought over with him two days ago. She looks to Peeta, waiting for him to explain.
"They were a project that I did with the kids in my first grade class the last day of school before break," Peeta explains. "We used mints and gumdrops to create bugs, and after class, a few of them gave me theirs, so I brought them here."
"Was the Hello Kitty air freshener girl one of them?" Gale asks, staring at a bug with a purple gumdrop face.
"She was," Peeta confirms. He laughs loudly before a comfortable silence fills the room while they sip their drinks.
A short time later, Katniss sets her empty mug back on the coffee table and looks around. It looks much different in the apartment than it did last Christmas.
There was no tree last year. She didn't want one, and didn't see the need for one. The only person that saw her apartment on Christmas Day was Gale, anyway. He showed up after noon that day and let himself in with the key Katniss had given him. Katniss was in the shower preparing to go see her parents and Prim. When she walked out into the living room wrapped in a towel and saw Gale sitting on the couch eating the cookies her neighbor left for her, she was so startled that she made him give her the key back. To this day, that key still sat buried in the bottom of the empty vase that sat on the pass-through in the kitchen; she had almost forgotten it was even in there.
"Are you guys hungry?" Katniss asks. Peeta, Neil, and Gale all nod in unison. "How about we open gifts first, and then we can have breakfast?"
When everyone gets up from their places to grab the presents by the tree, Neil stays on the couch, fishing out an envelope from the inside pocket of his coat.
Even though they had all agreed to exchange gifts at Katniss's apartment, Gale and Neil only showed up with one gift and the envelope that Neil just pulled from his coat. The fact that Gale doesn't seem to have anything for Neil isn't lost on Katniss, but she has no plans to ask about it.
Gale and Neil open their gift from Katniss and Peeta first. Katniss waits anxiously as Neil smooths his hand over the flat surface of the dark wood on the butcher block cutting board before looking up to her and Peeta.
"Do you guys like it?" Peeta asks worriedly. "Katniss insisted it was a good idea, because she saw the small, worn out cutting board you were using the night we came over for dinner."
"It's perfect, thank you," Neil smiles. Gale nods, looking impressed with the choice.
"Yeah, thank you! Now I won't have to be afraid of getting Salmonella from that old cutting board, anymore," Gale jokes, pushing the present for Katniss and Peeta across the table in their direction. "Okay, now you guys open yours."
It's a pretty large box. Peeta scoots up on his knees and grabs it, pulling it down to the floor in front of him and Katniss. He takes the silver bow from the top of the box and sticks it to Katniss's forehead.
"That's a good look," Peeta smirks. "Matches your eyes." He brings his focus back to the gift and begins to rip the paper away. When Katniss sees what it is, she yanks the bow from her forehead and throws it into the pile of wrapping paper at her feet.
Katniss stares at the picture of the red KitchenAid mixer on the box in front of them. She has seen how much these things cost, and she glances at Peeta who seems to share her concern. Peeta is just about to shake his head "no" when Gale stops him.
"Don't even think about telling us to take it back," he warns. "We agonized for weeks over what to get you two, and this was the only thing we could agree on."
Katniss doesn't know what to say. The gift is great, expensive, and held implications that worried her. This wasn't something that she and Peeta could each have a piece of separately. It isn't a set of towels they could divvy up and split at the end of the day. This is something that was meant to exist in only one place. Katniss isn't sure if Gale and Neil realized that implication when they bought the gift, but she suspects that they did. She looks over at Peeta to gauge his reaction.
Peeta appears to be smiling down at the box as he turns it around admiring the picture of the mixer.
"Well, it'll be a lot easier to make you that Tiramisu now," Peeta says with a shrug.
Katniss laughs in relief. He isn't running away from the gift's implications. The warmth she feels over the realization has her even more anxious for Peeta to open his gift. After exchanging thank yous, Katniss leans forward, grabbing the box with Peeta's gift in it and puts it down in front of him.
"It's your turn," Katniss says, tapping the box twice anxiously before moving her hand away.
Peeta beams when he sees the 4-slice Belgian waffle maker.
"No more Eggos ever again," Katniss says. She's practically bouncing with excitement. He likes the gift. He can't stop staring at it.
"You would have thought we all agreed to get each other kitchen stuff," Neil chuckles. Katniss notices how big Neil's smile is. The corners of his cheeks puff up under his eyes so much that it almost looks painful. "Hey Peeta?" He asks, breaking Peeta's focus on reading the box. "Did you get Spencer's Christmas card?"
"I got it, but I didn't open it. It's still sitting on my TV at my apartment," Peeta confesses, though he doesn't sound ashamed by it.
"So that's why you didn't bring it up," Neil says.
"What would I have to say about a Christmas card?" Peeta asks, his nose crinkled in confusion. "It's the same plasticized portrait of Spencer and Naomi in front of their fireplace every year."
"Not this year," Neil says, shaking his head. He looks at Gale, who nods.
"Might as well just tell me now, I'm not going back to my apartment before we stop by Mom and Dad's this afternoon, so if there's something I need to know… tell me," Peeta.
"Naomi is pregnant," Neil reveals, monotone. "The picture this year is their ultrasound and an announcement that there is a 'New Mellark' on the way."
"Seriously?" Peeta looks dumbfounded at the news.
"Yep," Neil nods. "Due in late July."
"Wow…"
"Congratulations, Peeta! You're going to be an uncle!" Neil cries sarcastically. His face quickly falls into a look of indifference over the situation. "Poor kid. You know Mom is going to smother it, and it'll probably end up just like Spencer. That's what we all need, isn't it? Another Spencer." Katniss makes a noise that rises up in the back of her throat. It causes Neil to look at her, and he laughs. "Katniss gets it."
Although Katniss suspects that Peeta and Gale get it too, they remain quiet about the whole situation, until Peeta shakes his head quickly, as though he's trying to clear it.
"Who's next?" Peeta asks, tapping a tune out on the box of his waffle maker.
"I'll go," Neil volunteers, seizing the envelope and handing it to Gale.
Gale opens the envelope quickly, pulling out a card before beginning to read it out loud.
"I couldn't put an entire cabin under the tree, so here is a card to let you know we're going on a trip. I rented a cabin in the woods for a week, we leave in April," Gale reads. His face is hidden behind the card, but Katniss notices the edge of excitement in his voice as he reads. "I haven't been on vacation in almost four years."
Finally, he sets the card down in his lap and turns to Neil.
"Do you like it?" Neil asks hopefully.
"Love it," Gale smiles. He wraps his hand around the back of Neil's neck and pulls him close, placing a lingering kiss on his lips. "Thank you, baby."
"Should I show them what you got me, now?" Neil murmurs, his forehead resting against Gale's.
"If you're ready," Gale nods, releasing his hold on Neil's neck. That's why Gale didn't have a gift for Neil when they got there — he already gave it to him.
Neil stands up and grabs his coat that is slung over the arm of the couch. Reaching into the front pocket, he pulls something out and walks over to Katniss and Peeta. In his hand is a small, blue box and he opens it, showing them the contents.
It's a ring. Katniss and Peeta study it silently for a while. The light from the ceiling fan causes a glare on the shiny silver of the ring. Katniss knows what it is, what it means, but still says nothing. She looks up at Neil quickly, and he's smiling. Then, her gaze flies to Gale who has a lopsided grin on his face.
"Are you kidding me?" Katniss says excitedly. She jumps from her spot on the floor and runs to Gale who stands up from the couch and catches her just as she throws her arms around his neck and hugs him. "Congratulations," she mutters into his neck.
As Gale sets her back down on the floor, her excitement fades suddenly. Peeta. She turns quickly to look at the spot on the floor where Peeta was sitting just a moment ago, but instead her eyes land on Peeta and Neil embracing and laughing. Relief floods her body and she lets her shoulders slump down in relaxation.
They switch places, and Peeta, beaming widely, shakes Gale's hand, pulling him in for a quick hug. But when Peeta pulls away and turns around Katniss notices his face fall instantly. She can't quite read the expression that is there, but it is a far cry from the look of excitement that painted his features less than a minute ago. Nobody else seems to notice.
Peeta sits back on the floor and brings his knees in close to his chest while resting his forearms on them and letting his hands hang down, clasped in front of him.
"Gale proposed this morning with the ring," Neil begins. "He is going to be ordering an identical ring in a few weeks."
"I wanted to make sure he said yes before I got a second one," Gale laughs. Katniss smiles cordially at them, trying her best to not let either of them see the worry on her face.
"We're aiming for a June wedding," Neil continues.
"We know that's quick by wedding standards, but we really don't want to wait," Gale adds.
"When it's right, it's right." Neil and Gale are volleying back and forth with their words, ample amounts of excitement in their voices.
"No point in prolonging the inevitable."
"It's going to be simple, we want both of you to be part of it. You can be my Best Woman, Katniss," Gale smiles at his play on words and she nods.
"And Peeta, my Best Man," Neil says, looking at Peeta who is staring at Neil and Gale. He has a smile plastered on his face, but Katniss can see right through it. His eyes are blank and expressionless. "If you'll agree, I mean."
"Of course," Peeta replies, giving Neil a halfhearted thumbs up.
"We don't really want or need a wedding party beyond that, but that's really all we have figured out so far. The rest will come in the weeks ahead," Gale finishes.
"Sounds like you have a good start already," Katniss says approvingly.
"So, Peeta… what'd you get for Katniss?" Gale asks. His question is innocent, Katniss knows it is, but she can see Peeta recoil at the words.
Peeta stands up and grabs the last gift on the coffee table, setting it down in front of Katniss almost reluctantly. Katniss wants to believe that it's nerves over whether or not she will like the gift, but she isn't hopeful that's all it is. He stays standing for a second, his eyes landing on the candy creations from his students as though he wants to pick the mint off of one and eat it. Instead, he clenches his fists at his sides and sits back down next to Katniss.
Katniss begins to pull the wrapping paper slowly, listening to the sound of the paper ripping until Peeta's voice stops her.
"It's not a trip, or a ring…"
"It's a baby, isn't it!?" Neil asks jokingly. Neil smiles at Peeta, but the look Peeta gives in return clearly sends the message that he did not think Neil's joke was very funny. "Sorry," Neil says quickly, his eyes wide.
"Open your gift, Katniss," Gale says, attempting to put the focus back where it needs to be. Katniss gives Gale a grateful smile, and he nods once in her direction.
Katniss resumes pulling the wrapping paper from the gift. She can feel the canvas and knows before even seeing it that it's a painting. She flips it over to look at it, taking in the sight of what Peeta painted for her.
It's a view of the bench that they sat on near the river the night they met and took their walk. The river shimmers with the reflection of the yellow lights that shine down on it. The trees above the bench are in full bloom, and the city's buildings in the distance are alive with light and life.
It looks so real. It looks just like it did that night. Katniss reaches her hand out and touches the painting. She isn't sure why she does it, but it's pulling her in. It is making her remember that night. Their conversations about Neil, Peeta's shoes, Prim. She remembers the way Peeta wiped the eyelash from her face, the coffee he forced himself to drink so he could spend more time with her, and their kiss before he left her apartment when he brought her home.
All of it comes rushing back to her. Every feeling, every butterfly, and every bit of joy and heartache that came with it. The feeling of his lips on hers, his hand in hers, his body moving above her. To Katniss, there is no better gift that she could get from him. He has given her memories and a reminder that she can keep, hang, and look at whenever she wants.
Katniss looks at Peeta, her eyes soft as she stares into his unsure and nervous gaze. She reaches her hand up and caresses his cheek. Peeta leans into it and closes his eyes as Katniss continues to move her hand up and through the messy curls.
Finally, she leans forward and captures his lips, kissing him the way that she remembers him kissing her that first night. Slowly, sensually, his lips between hers, her fingers combing through the hair on the back of his head.
"It's beautiful, thank you," Katniss murmurs when she pulls away.
She can't stop the feelings of guilt that rise up. She gave him a waffle maker. It almost seems too thoughtless after what Peeta just gave her. But then she remembers the look on his face when he opened it. How genuinely happy he seemed to be to receive it, and she knows then that her gift meant just as much to him as his meant to her, because of the thought that went into it - not because of what it was, or how much it was. How could he feel like he had to apologize because he didn't book an expensive vacation or buy her a ring? It isn't about money or flashy things. Katniss has never received a gift like this from anyone, and judging by the look on Peeta's face when he opened his gift, he had never received a gift that was chosen thoughtfully.
"Jesus, do you think they're going to remember we're here before they go at it on the floor?" Gale whispers to Neil. Neil chuckles at the observation, causing Katniss and Peeta to break away from each other, both of them looking a little sheepish. Gale wasn't wrong — she had forgotten there was anyone else there. She looks to the waffle maker, desperate for a reason to take the focus off of what just happened.
"Who wants waffles?" Katniss asks, pushing herself off the floor. Peeta follows, picking up his gift and disappearing into the kitchen.
XX
"Did you expect them to get engaged so quickly?" Peeta asks out of nowhere. Katniss freezes where she is standing at the sink, the water from the faucet making the small kitchen noisy. She turns around, but Peeta's back is to her as he wipes down the inside of the waffle maker. His voice sounded genuinely curious as opposed to the scathing and judgmental tone he took when he called Neil and Gale fools for moving in together, but there is something else underneath it.
"It's surprising and not surprising, really," Katniss answers with a shrug that she knows Peeta can't see. "I knew what Gale was looking for when he dragged me out the night he met Neil, I just didn't expect it… right now. I thought they'd live together for a while first, and go from there."
"Well I'm surprised all around," Peeta states. "I really didn't expect Neil to move so quickly. Living together is one thing, but marriage?"
"I guess they meant it when they said when it's right, it's right," Katniss replies.
"And Spencer is going to be a father." Peeta's words are laced with bitterness now, and he doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it. Katniss isn't shocked, it is Spencer they're talking about. "I just feel like I don't know my brothers anymore," he admits, sadly. "They're getting married, having kids, and I can't even put my clothes in a drawer."
He sounds very much like he did the night he told Katniss he was losing his mind. There is anguish in his voice, like he is out in the middle of the sea without anyone to save him. He appears next to Katniss for a second before he sighs loudly and throws the rag into the sink, leaving the kitchen without letting Katniss reply.
Katniss walks into the living room after finishing the dishes and notices Peeta curled up on the couch, asleep. She looks at the painting propped against the coffee table, and then to the bare spot above the couch. It's the perfect place to hang it, and she wants to hang it as soon as possible.
Taking a seat on the floor next to the couch, Katniss takes Peeta's hand from where it was hanging over the side of the cushion and laces their fingers together. She's scared. Scared that Peeta is beginning to pull away again, but for what reason? Because he couldn't give her an expensive gift like Neil and Gale? Because he made her gift and put his heart into it? Because his brothers are at different places in their lives than him? Why did he always let himself become consumed with feeling inferior?
Katniss thinks about Bev. The things she said to him in just the two times she has been around her. She imagines similar, awful things that she probably said to him when he was growing up.
Is this Bev's fault? Is it Clove, Glimmer, and Cashmere's fault? Or is it Peeta's fault? Katniss doesn't know who to blame, or if she should blame anyone at all. Is it right for her to try to find someone to blame as these thoughts are eating Peeta alive?
She sets her head down on the couch cushion near Peeta's head and closes her eyes.
XX
The month following Christmas was not a good one. The fuss Bev made over Spencer and Naomi when Katniss and Peeta were there on Christmas Day seemed to set off a side of Peeta that Katniss hasn't yet seen.
The pregnancy was all Bev talked about in the short time they were there, even going as far as to ignore Gale and Neil's engagement announcement to continue talking about Spencer giving her a grandchild. She made digs in regards to Peeta and Clove until not only Katniss and Peeta, but Gale and Neil stormed out of the house.
Since then, not only is Peeta growing distant again, but he is growing distant in entirely different ways — worse ways.
He still shows up at Katniss's apartment just about every night, but he may as well not be there. He barely eats, they never go out, and half of the time he either goes right to sleep or lays around staring at the TV like he is in a trance.
She can't even remember the last time they had sex. Two weeks, she'd guess, but she has been too worried to keep track.
They eat dinner in silence most nights, and half of the time she is the only one that is actually eating. When she hangs his painting over the couch and showed him, she expects him to be happy about it. Instead, he simply nods and said he is going to take a nap.
She has to do something.
She tries Delly first. When Peeta is in the shower one night, she swipes his phone from the bed side table and finds her in his contacts. Quickly, she jots down Delly's e-mail address. She feels bad snooping in his phone, but she is trying to find someone to talk to about this. It is for his own good.
The next day at work, she e-mails Delly asking her for any information about Peeta that may help her help him, typing out in detail what she has been dealing with. Delly knew him better than Neil even did during their college years, and if anyone has answers, Katniss hopes it is Delly.
Delly's reply is kind, but shocking. She gives Katniss a wealth of information on what Peeta was like in college, explaining that this is what Peeta does when he stays in his head too long. He gets distant, depressed, and down on himself. After his last breakup, he disappeared for an entire year before contacting Delly and her boyfriend Thom again. In that year, Delly would e-mail him, but the e-mails were never returned. He was unlisted in the phone book, changed his phone number, and had nothing online to find any information about him or a way to contact him. Delly had tried it all.
Delly closes the e-mail on a somber note, revealing to Katniss that she and Thom spent a lot of time during that year Peeta was away looking through the obituaries for his name, hoping they'd never, ever see it. She believes Peeta is in the midst of a depressive episode and apologizes to Katniss, telling her that if she ever needed to talk, she would be willing to listen.
This is far worse than Katniss ever imagined, and now she isn't sure what to do. The only thing she knows is that sitting around isn't going to help. Her silence has made everything worse. Something has to be done, and this has to be fixed no matter what it means for their future. Peeta could not continue like this.
XX
"Thanks for coming on such short notice," Katniss says. She sits in the corner of a booth at the diner she and Peeta went to the night they met, and she pulls her coat around her tighter when the door opens and fills the small space with the cold January air.
"No problem, what's going on?" Neil asks, sitting down across from her. He pulls his gloves off and sets them on the table, nodding when the waitress stops to offer him coffee.
"I'm worried about Peeta," Katniss says, scooting over in the booth. They've barely seen Gale and Neil over the last month due to Peeta not wanting to do anything — they have no idea what is even happening, as far as she knows. Katniss tells Neil about Delly's e-mail, and the more she says, the more Neil's face drops. "I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this anymore." Her breathing is erratic due to the rising panic that she feels saying all of this out loud. "It's too much, and I don't know how to make it better."
"I've been waiting for this," Neil sighs. "For the moment when you finally crack. I could see you trying to hold it together for him. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed that you held it together with him for this long."
"I don't know how to get him to realize how valuable he is. He needs to see that he's not a bad person," Katniss explains as Neil nods at her.
"I have been trying for years to get Peeta to realize that he is respected and admired. It takes a special kind of person to be a teacher, but he never seems to believe what I tell him. I don't know if it's because I'm his brother and he thinks I am supposed to be telling him those things or what, but I don't know what to say to him anymore, either," Neil swallows hard as he searches Katniss's eyes. She can see worry there, desperation, even. Did he worry about seeing Peeta's name in the obituaries one day, too?
"How did you and Gale do it so flawlessly?" Katniss asks, defeated.
"What?"
"Fall in love."
Neil laughs, but it's cold and empty.
"It was far from flawless, Katniss." This is news to Katniss. She raises her eyebrows at him, urging him to continue. "Some of the fights we had… still have."
"About what?" Katniss asks, freezing. She isn't sure if she's allowed to ask him that.
"Gale's high expectations, my lack of serious relationship experience," Neil shrugs tiredly.
"You've never had a serious relationship?" Katniss questions.
"Not until Gale, and we fought about that a lot. He used to bring you up during those fight. Throw in my face how hard you were trying with Peeta despite the fact that you never wanted anything serious," Neil explains. "And I was trying, the whole time I was trying, but it just didn't meet up with Gale's daydream, I guess, and it used to piss him off, and he would accuse me of not wanting us to work."
Katniss is floored. Gale compared his relationship with Neil to Katniss's relationship with Peeta? Their relationships are completely different, how could he compare them? And then it hits her — she has been doing the same thing. Looking at Gale and Neil and wondering why she and Peeta can't be like that.
Instantly, she feels guilty for doing that. She and Peeta's relationship is their own, and each couple has their own set of issues to sort out, even if they are hidden well like Gale and Neil's.
"We had some close calls," Neil confesses. "The worst was right after we moved in together. We fought for hours, though I can't even remember what it was about now. I packed a bag and everything and was about to leave, but now I'm glad I didn't."
"Do you regret them?"
"The fights?" Neil asks. "No. Sometimes you have to get it off your chest. They help." At Katniss's nod, Neil proceeds. "Do you and Peeta ever fight?"
"No. Not like what you're describing," Katniss admits. "The only big fight we've really had was right after we met, I'm pretty sure he called you that night."
"He did. And you haven't had a fight since?"
"They say you have to choose your battles, but I never know which ones to choose," Katniss says sadly.
"Well, that's the problem," Neil says, shaking his head. "You can't be afraid to fight, Katniss. Fight with him… for him."
Katniss sighs. She understands what Neil is saying, but she still feels broken, tired, and fed up.
"I just don't know if I can do this anymore," Katniss mutters, staring into her coffee mug longer than she intends before eventually looking up at Neil.
Neil is silent as her words sink in. Finally, he nods.
"Then you need to decide, Katniss," Neil says seriously. "Neither one of you should continue living like this, it's not fair." She looks down into her mug once more, unable to look Neil in the eye any longer. "Do you love him?"
Katniss is quiet and still unable to look up from the mug in front of her. She thinks about Peeta, who is at the apartment right now, probably wondering where she is at. She thinks about the painting that hangs over the couch, the perfect replica of that perfect evening where everything felt right, good, and different in only the best ways.
What happened to that? To them? Tears spring to her eyes and in a choked voice, she looks up at Neil and whispers, "Yes, I do."
"Then scream at him at the top of your lungs until he understands how much you love him." He pauses and looks at her, his face soft, but distressed. "Even if you decide you can't do it anymore, at least let him know how much you love him."
XX
The apartment is dark and silent when Katniss opens the front door, but she knows Peeta is still there. She saw his car when she pulled into the parking lot. As she moves further into the apartment, she looks to the KitchenAid box on the dining room table, still unopened, still in the same spot they set it on Christmas Day. They haven't touched it since.
Quietly, she walks down the hall and into the bedroom where she sees Peeta lying in bed above the covers in the dim room, breathing softly. Katniss crawls into bed with him and sits cross legged next to his sleeping form.
Reaching out, she traces the contours of his face with the tips of her fingers. Even asleep he looks troubled. She runs her fingers through his hair idly, looking at the stress lines between his eyebrows. His mouth twitches before his eyes open and look up at her.
"Hey," she says gently, smiling down at him. "Are you hungry?" She plans to make a large dinner tonight, one they will have to use the dining room table for instead of the couch. From there she plans to talk to Peeta about his troubles, her troubles, her feelings for him — everything.
"Not really," Peeta replies dully, rolling over and away from her. Her stomach drops at his actions, and she can feel the blood run cold in her veins.
As though a switch has been flipped, her sadness turns to frustrated anger. She knows Peeta is not asleep, but she speaks loudly anyway.
"I can't do this anymore, Peeta." With their close proximity to each other, Katniss can feel Peeta's body go rigid next to her. "I don't know how to read you. I don't know what to do anymore. And whatever it is that we've been pretending to do since Thanksgiving isn't working. This isn't working." Anger fills her tone, and Peeta is sitting up in bed now, his eyes widening as he realizes what is happening. "I just…" the words die in her throat. What was she going to say? She can't even remember, so she just says the one thing that she is absolutely sure of. "We failed."
She gets off of the bed and goes to leave the bedroom, but the sound of Peeta's voice stops her.
"Katniss…" She turns around, and even though all she can truly see now is Peeta's silhouette, she focuses on his defeated form. His breathing is erratic and finally, he manages to say, "Help me."
His voice is hallow, cracked, and Katniss is quite certain that he's on the verge of crying. On the verge of breaking completely. Because of her. Because of his life. Because of them.
For the second time that day she feels tears prick her eyes, and with her own cracked voice, she says to him, "I don't know how to help you, Peeta. Or if I can help you."
"Please…" Peeta begs.
She feels a tear slide down her cheek. He sounds so lost and desperate. It has finally become too much for him. She thinks about Gale and Neil's wedding in June. How is this going to work now? How are they going to spend the entire day together after ending it like this?
Before Katniss can figure out what she's doing, she is walking back into the bedroom and climbing into bed, flipping on the light and illuminating the room. She sees that Peeta's eyes are rimmed in red, and there are dark circles under them, despite how much he has been sleeping. Maybe he hasn't been sleeping at all, only shutting his eyes and mind to the world and his problems. She feels it making her angry again.
"Do you still think of us when you hear that song we danced to?" Katniss asks, almost harshly. "Do you still try to figure out and decide when it's time to progress things? Because I need to know what's going on between us. I need to know what's going on with you."
"That's the problem," Peeta replies shakily. "I don't know what's going on with me. People are getting married, they're having babies, and here I am stalled out, unable to figure out how to function in a relationship that is more important to me than my own life." He struggles to catch his breath as he rubs his hand over his forehead.
Katniss feels that sensation again at his words. The sensation of her blood running cold. Were Delly's concerns valid?
"Well, you have a really weird way of showing it." As hard as she tries not to, the anger in her voice is still clear.
"You're not so great at it, yourself," Peeta retorts defensively.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You say nothing. You let things bubble up inside of you and now look at us," Peeta says, waving his hands between their bodies. This only makes Katniss angrier.
"It should not be up to me to drag everything out of you, Peeta. It's not my responsibility to chase after you every day and make sure that what I say isn't going to scare you off again. I've done that and that didn't work, either. How many times do I have to tell you that you can talk to me? This is up to you, Peeta. Not me." She's yelling now and she doesn't care about trying not to anymore.
Peeta stares at her, but doesn't make a sound.
"You got weird over me offering you a drawer to keep your clothes in, Peeta! And rather than saying that you weren't ready to do that, you acted like someone just killed your dog in front of you." She takes a deep breath, but quickly continues. "When are you going to notice that I'm not going to get mad at you for being honest with me? That's all I want from you, Peeta. Honesty. Tell me what's bothering you, tell me what makes you happy, tell me if you think we're moving too fast. Tell me how you feel!"
Katniss jumps off the bed again and storms out of the bedroom, ignoring Peeta when he calls after her this time. She hears him jump off the bed as well, padding loudly across the floor after her, calling her name.
She stops in the middle of the living room and looks at the painting. She knows Peeta is behind her.
"I think it could have been good, you know. Us," Katniss says sadly, not turning around. "Take this painting with you when you leave. I can't be expected to keep it here. I can't see it everyday. It hurts too much."
"Katniss…"
"I can't look at that and remember how perfect that night was. How sweet you were, how open you seemed."
"Katniss…"
"The way you kissed me. I really thought…" she begins to choke up again, though her tears never truly left at all, but were only masked by anger. But she's breaking now, too. "I don't know what I thought… but I hoped."
"What did you hope?" Peeta murmurs, almost inaudibly. Katniss still doesn't turn to look at him, her eyes are fixated on the painting and she can't tear them away.
"That maybe I'd finally stop being afraid to love." The room goes silent for a long time.
"Katniss… turn around," Peeta says finally.
Slowly, Katniss turns around, tears streaming down her face, and she notices that tears streak Peeta's face, as well.
"I can't lose you," Peeta begins, shaking his head. "You're the only thing outside of my job that makes sense. We make sense. Don't you see that?"
"Don't you see that?" Katniss counters.
"I see it. I feel it. Please don't do this," Peeta presses.
"You did this," Katniss mutters.
Peeta falls silent. He puts his head down and looks at the floor.
"I know," Peeta admits, looking up. Tears well up behind his eyes and Katniss can tell he is trying not to blink so that they don't fall. "And I know this probably means nothing to you right now, but I wish you'd give me a chance to fix this."
"How can I trust that you won't disappear again, Peeta?" Katniss asks, unconvinced.
"You can't," Peeta answers honestly. "But I would give anything in the world for you to believe me right now…" He takes a deep breath through his nose and clenches his jaw. "Because I'm in love with you."
"Peeta…" This time, Peeta ignores her.
"I am so in love with you that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe when I think about what I've been doing to you. It hurts more than anything to see how much this hurts you."
Katniss wants to tell him that she knows. That she understands what it feels like, because his pain hurts her just as much as it hurts him. To see him so upset, so down on himself hurts her in ways she never imagined possible, but she can't let his words sway her. She needs answers.
"Then why did you do it?" she asks.
"I don't know," Peeta admits. "I can't control it… I need help."
"We can get you help," Katniss says reluctantly. Would he go for that? Talking to a stranger about the things he has dealt with his entire life? She sees Peeta's lip trembling at her words and once again, her tears begin.
"I need you, Katniss." At that moment Peeta stops trying to hold back his tears and they spill over as sobs wrack his body.
"I need you more," Katniss replies through her own tears. In an instant, they close the space between them and embrace. Peeta's grip is so tight around her body that she cannot move. His body is trembling against hers, his breathing coming out in gasps as he tries to regain control.
Finally, they pull away. Tears soak Peeta's shirt where Katniss rested her head, and she looks into Peeta's eyes, brushing his hair from his forehead.
"I love you."
"Promise?" Peeta asks. It makes Katniss wonder how many times Glimmer or Cashmere said it to him but never meant it.
"I promise," Katniss nods, standing up on her tip toes and kissing his lips quickly. "And I promise to help you, but you have to help me, too. We won't survive if we don't help each other."
"I promise," Peeta nods, matching her kiss.
"Say it again." Peeta looks at her like he isn't sure what she means, but after she stares back at him imploringly, he seems to figure it out.
He leans in to her hair, his hands coming to rest on her hips, and he whispers, "I love you."