For Ship
THE STORY IS NOT MINE
This is a translation of the Italian story 'I'll go wherever you will go', sequel to 'Shine Bright like a diamond in the sky' by Ship
CHAPTER 11 OF 12
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After the dinner with the Emrys, Arthur and Morgana return home late at night.
They park in the private parking lot of Pendragon Palace, the residence where Ygraine has been living for some years now, eager to live in the heart of London, but even more to live in a smaller and familiar place, in comparison to the large estate in the suburbs, where Arthur and Morgana had grown up.
Being very late, the streets are empty. Morgana has already opened the front door to get inside the palace, when Arthur hears a movement behind him and someone behind him calling his name.
"Pendragon..."
Surprised, he turns, noticing a black BMW parked nearby that he had not seen when he has arrived. Then, he recognizes the figure that is approaching in silence.
Disappointed and annoyed, Arthur dismisses his sister...
"Morgana... you go inside. I'll be with you in a moment..."
The girl is about to protest, when her phone rings. It's Mordred. She answers, already knowing what's going on.
"Morgana? You are already at home? I have just discussed with Ryan. He is angry because we have excluded him from the project to reunite Merlin and Arthur. I think he's coming there to you to talk to your brother ... please, do not get in their way. I warn you, it won't be a pleasant conversation"
"Yes... he is already here. He was waiting for us, when we arrived. But we have noticed him only now. What do you mean that you and he have discussed? Arthur and he are glaring at each other here. I don't know if it's a good idea to leave them alone... what's happening?"
"Maybe it's time for them to clarify their many unresolved issues. Both of them have much to say and it is best if you let them alone, Morgana. It is a matter between the two of them"
Morgana observes Arthur from a distance, who is ordering her with his gaze to leave them alone.
His sister goes, lowering her voice as she keeps talking with Mordred…
"I'm worried, Mordred..."
Her partner tells her what has happened. Of how Ryan has found out by accident, while texting with Merlin, how the boy has spent the morning and evening with Arthur and of the intentions of the family to spend the weekend together. Of how because of all this, Merlin's ex was enraged, blaming him and Uther, but Arthur even more, whom in his opinion is acting against the rules, the ones imposed by the doctors.
Morgana openly expresses her indignation to Mordred, very similar to that of her boyfriend, because of Ryan's effrontery, while outside, finally, Ryan and Arthur are facing each other.
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Arthur is seeing red, but he tries to keep a calm tone as much as he can.
"What do you want, Ryan? What the hell are you doing outside my house at this hour?"
"The right question should be: what the hell are YOU doing, Pendragon? You have some explaining to do, don't you think? I'M MERLIN'S DOCTOR! Today you have taken an unimaginable liberty by spending all that time with him! A liberty that you are not allowed to have! You can't decide for yourself to spend a day with Merlin! You still couldn't see him, and certainly not all those hours! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Arthur approaches, threatening: he is furious and is no longer willing to tolerate the other's lies, because it is plain as day that Ryan is abusing his power to try and permanently take Merlin away from him... but he refrains himself from attacking the other even then. He wants to make things clear between them once and for all and in order to do that, he needs to stay calm.
"I have done nothing risky. Mordred, Uther and myself talked a lot before Merlin and I could meet again. I have done nothing on my own, nor any wrong move with him, nothing that hadn't already been decided with his family"
"Yes, of course! Without the advice of his doctor! Without his permission! You shouldn't have expose Merlin to such a test ... you have been imprudent and irresponsible!"
Arthur approaches him, piercing him with his furious eyes, hands on his hips to hold himself back once again.
"I would like to remind you, since you seem to have forgotten it, that Merlin's father and brother are doctors too, who would never jeopardize Merlin's health, for the world! Their judgment and their words are worth as much as yours!"
"YES, but I'm officialy his doctor! Legally I am to have the last word..."
"Now YOU'VE REALLY PISSED ME OFF with this last word thing! It is obvious to everyone that you keep abusing your power to keep me away from Merlin, and this just so you can try to get back in his good graces! But Merlin is no longer hospitalized and you have no authority outside the hospital! For my part, it is clear that I will never do anything to endanger him, that's for sure. But you won't keep us apart anymore! Face it... or you'll force me to make you understand it differently"
Ryan hisses through his teeth.
"Do you want to punch me? Typical of those like you, who cannot solve problems with words..."
"I am fucking sick of talking to you. You are not worth the effort. You're an arrogant egghead! You hide behind your manners, when in reality you are a snake that must face the fact that he has lost the war. You won't be able to get me away from Merlin. He was discharged and I can see him whenever I want from now on. Get used to it. You no longer have all the power you used to brag about. And be sure that I will never do anything to endanger his health. I AM NOT ALONE in this. There are people advising me to what the best way to get closer to him is. Who's better to do it than his own family? You've lost and you'd better get used to it"
"Well, Well. It seems I'm alone... Don't go tasting victory just yet. Who do you think alerted me tonight that you and Merlin have seen each other? That you have spent the day together? Don't you wonder why I know that you have dine together? Aren't you asking yourself why I'm aware that you will spend the weekend away? I haven't spoken with Mordred ... not with Uther! None of them would have informed me... so? What does this tell you, Pendragon?"
Arthur falters a moment, pierced by the evidence.
"What the hell are you trying to tell me? Speak clearly. You and Merlin call each other? This doesn't mean that things are like you are trying to make me believe they are! There's no way I'll believe that the two of you are back together"
"Indeed. But we've grown close again. I saved his life and this means something, even if in your eyes it's something unimportant. However, you must take note that this is something that can reconciliate two people, and I'm not going to miss this opportunity"
"You had the HONOR to save his life only because in the hospital you have the job that HE has refused TO STAY WITH ME. What does this tell you? What does it tell you of Merlin, Ryan? You underestimate what we have, even if at the moment it is closed, waiting..."
Ryan smirks, "A wait that could become endless for you..."
Arthur is mentally strangling him with his eyes, more furious than ever, virtually squeezing his hands around his neck ... Imposing himself not to react has become almost impossible...
"Yours will be longer, believe me. You've got no chance. Face it. And now he and I will spend the weekend together...and you'll stay away from us for two days"
"Two days where, however, you won't be allowed touch him. You know it. Any invasive contact with Merlin is forbidden, for everyone, especially for you. You'll be even unable to dare caressing him. Mordred and Uther must have told you. And this sends you into a rage"
"No. It's true. You are right. I cannot touch him, but things between Merlin and me aren't just like that. The two of us have something that goes beyond the physical aspect, and that eventually will do justice to our relationship. I am sure of that. What do you have on the other hand? Only your presumption and a story that has been over for almost two years now"
Ryan comes closer.
"You are wrong. I have two years with him. Two years where we have loved each other, even if making a mistake. Two intense years and even before those, wonderful moments shared during our years as medical students in America. I have the privilege that the two of us have known each other for many years... can you claim this same privilege?"
"What privilege? To be with him and at the same time and in a cowardly way with a woman without having the courage to be yourself? What fucking privilege are you talking about? I can claim the privilege of his love! Something that you no longer have"
"Neither do you. Not at the moment at least. And I'm going to talk to Merlin now, before he remembers anything of you. Finally it's time to ask him to reconsider our relationship. I was wrong in the past, it's true, but now I can give him everything. This will be the key to bring him back to me. And I can assure you I'll give it my all"
Arthur clenches his fists so hard that it hurts...
"Then, you still haven't realized that you have to get out of the way... must I... explain it better in my own way?"
"Suit yourself..."
"You are not even worth my anger..."
"Nor you my envy"
"Don't get in my way, Ryan. You could get hurt"
"Merlin is worth a dispute ... but in the end he is the one who has to choose ... and if he chooses me...you can beat me all you want, but it would still be over between the two of you"
"If he chooses you. It's over between you! Fuck, you are the only one who still doesn't see it"
Arthur turns his back, eager to end the conversation and leave...
Ryan is just standing there on the spot and is furious. Therefore, in order to hurt the other man, he speaks poison. The fear in his voice turns into mockery.
"Will you remember these words, when I will start shagging him again?"
Arthur can't take it anymore. Blood rushes to his head in a moment at those words, very disrespectful of Merlin or of his own love for him. He turns as fast as a thunderbolt and punches Ryan's face, causing him to fall to the ground.
He lowers himself in front of him, one knee on the ground, the other sprawled. He seizes him by the collar of his shirt, growing in his face…
"I say that he would rather die than go back to fucking you ... but just so you know, just try to get close to him that way and I'll tear you to shreds..."
Ryan puts a hand on his hit lip, but smiles ... he rubs his jaw slowly...
"Why are you being so defensive if you're so sure of winning this war? Don't be so sure of your idea, Pendragon. I still remember your face when you were left with nothing, that morning, when you had arrived to Merlin's house hopeful, while I had just finished fucking him. I look forward to seeing that same furious expression on your face..."
Arthur lets go of his collar and punches the other side of his face. Then, he leaves him on the ground. He gets up, panting to regain control: he knows that he must dominate himself; otherwise he may tearing him to pieces and send him to the hospital.
"You're spineless. Don't you even react? You aren't even worth picking a fight with... but that's okay, stay there where you belong: on the ground. After all, snakes slither. And again: stay away from Merlin"
Arthur is closing the door of the mansion behind him, furious, when he hears the doctor's last words...
"Goodnight, Pendragon!"
Arthur and Morgana's Mercedes stops in front of the Emrys's house a few minutes earlier than the agreed meeting time. Arthur gets out, still in obvious bad mood from his fight with Ryan.
Next to him, Morgana, to whom he has told everything once back home the night before, tries to make him relax.
"Arthur, don't think about it now. Enjoy this weekend and Merlin's closeness. You have to trust in the two of you..."
He looks lost in the distance, when the door of the gate opens.
It is Mordred the one welcoming them outside with a couple of suitcases ready to be loaded.
"Arthur, let's go only with your car..."
"As you wish ...but didn't you say yesterday that we would have been a bit tight all together in one car? But for me it's fine to go with my car...No problem..."
Uther exits from the door and greets everyone...
"Hello and Welcome back ... Morgana ... Arthur ... shall we go then?"
Arthur looks at Uther closing the door… then, he suddenly stares at Mordred, hard.
"But ... Where's Merlin?"
Seeing him changing expression, Uther turns to his son.
"You haven't told him, Mordred?"
Mordred stares at him.
"No, I was going to do it now. Arthur, Merlin will join us at the estate at lunchtime. He'll arrive later"
Arthur stops and puts his hands on his hips, defensive.
"What does it mean? Where is he? Who will drive him to the Berkshire?"
Mordred advances toward Arthur, staring into his eyes.
"This morning, Ryan has called him. He asked him if he could pick him up to have breakfast together. Merlin explained he had to leave in an hour ... but he insisted and promised to take him to the estate for lunchtime... so Merlin has agreed. They went out together more or less a quarter of an hour ago... I have his suitcase"
Arthur punches the car, furious...
"You should have done something! Christ Mordred! After what we told each other after the outburst last night! Come on! Morgana must have told you! You know his intentions! He's going to do everything to have Merlin back… he has been very clear about this! And I'm honestly starting to fear that he'll succeed. I'm fucking afraid of losing him! I cannot think of them together right now... I am going crazy at the thought of what that asshole is telling him to convince Merlin to get back together..."
Mordred understands Arthur's fears and tries to calm him down.
"What should I have told him? How could I stop him? See reason! He told me that he too had to talk to him! Arthur ... you have to trust him. You know that Merlin and you have a special bond... and since yesterday, this bond has been quite obvious, even though he still doesn't remember..."
"Mordred, I am trying to see reason and to stay calm! But I cannot help but worry! Maybe I should have smashed his jaw and sent him to the hospital… Maybe with another set of punches he would have withdrawn from his intentions today... It seems like he has not understood the lesson..."
Mordred shook his head.
"Arthur ... you cannot keep fighting windmills. Ryan has clearly told you what he intends to do... do you really think that beating him would make him give up? He is determined and I honestly believe that now the best thing is for him to confront Merlin and have his nose slam directly into the face of rejection"
"But what if Merlin were to falter? What if he were to somehow feel confused by his words, to get carried away by the memories of the two of them!? What if he wants to start again with him?"
"It won't happen"
"You cannot be so sure. At least, I'm not! I am terrified of losing him, Mordred! I can't even think about it!"
Mordred rests a hand on the other man's arm, clawing it.
"You know what? According to me is a good thing that they are going to confront each other, that the situation will be finally clear and definitive! In spite of all your anger, Arthur, only Merlin can really close the door on the two of them forever! You can only wait. I think it will happen just that! Merlin will finally understand that between them is over. I have often talked to my brother after the surgery, even in these last few days. Merlin has obviously realized that Ryan is desperately looking for a way to get closer to him, but keeps saying that things are over between them…have been for a long time now. Arthur, listen, I'm sure things will work out ... and after having seen you two together yesterday... I don't think you will ever lose him"
Arthur seems to relax after his brother-in-law's words...
"I just hope you're right, Mordred, with all your heart..."
Uther approaches and intervenes, after having remained in silence until then.
"Come on then. We have to already be at the villa when Merlin arrives after rejecting Ryan..."
Arthur nods and puts the raybans on. Then, he helps Mordred loading the suitcases, while Morgana gives him a kiss as a sign of encouragement.
"Everything will be fine"
After breakfast, Merlin fiddles for a bit with the spoon sunk in his cappuccino cup, now empty. He keeps his eyes down, undecided whether to start a conversation with Ryan, postponed for far too long.
Actually, he prefers that the other would start talking first, because it would allow Merlin to weigh his thoughts and answers, but doesn't want to wait. Therefore, he decides to expose himself...
"Ryan..."
"Merlin..."
They say it simultaneously and Merlin is embarrassed. He leaves the spoon on the saucer, finally ceasing to torment the cup.
"You first"
He says this with a tight heart. He is aware of how long he and his ex have postponed this confrontation, now more and more necessary. Ryan knows that he would have wanted to talk to him right away, as soon as he had recovered after the surgery, but with the excuse of respecting him, he has always put off this conversation several times, waiting for his discharge. But that moment is today and they cannot wait any longer.
Merlin has never seen him so close to him, has never seen him considering him so much and placing him before his own self, because in the past Ryan has always been a very selfish person.
Now, as he speaks, he knows he is about to hurt him, but strangely doesn't feel any sense of revenge, only a deep melancholy.
He looks at Ryan, who has hope in his eyes, and in spite of the suffering endured because of him in the past, Merlin closes his heart in order to deal with this conversation, which is about to close their story forever, handing it to the past at last.
It is obvious that the other will not take it very well, but Merlin can only be honest and continue on his way, that hasn't included the surgeon for some time now. The fact that he saved his life (and Merlin will forever be grateful to him for that), however, won't affect his choice now.
He imposes himself to listen, leaving aside prejudices and pre-packaged answers, only wishing to address their talks in the most spontaneous way possible. He will try to be honest and to speak with his heart, so to leave no doubts in the other man.
"Merlin... I thank you for being here with me this morning. I needed to talk to you and didn't want do it in the hospital, but I could not wait anymore neighther..."
Merlin firmly stares at him for a long moment, "I know ... that's why I'm here. I too have things to tell you..."
Ryan nods, continuing...
"Listen, Merlin. All this ... the accident and before that your loss and your leaving my life is something that has profoundly changed me. Being away from you has put me in front of my true feelings, leaving me for the first time in my life empty and disoriented. I don't think I've ever read inside myself like during this period, during your convalescence. Seeing the man I am today because of you and that is speaking to you, I can only regret not having changed sooner in the past. I got it all wrong. I have played with your love, assuming that if I had ever decided to love you fully, I would have found you always there, waiting for me. I have been arrogant and sinned of omnipotence. Even if I loved you, I have been a coward for demanding to have you for myself, even though I went on with my double life, with my wife, also unaware and that too didn't deserve my lies, my absences and my guilt. I have neglected the fact I had to take a position with everyone for so long that I have lost you at some point, you and your love..."
Merlin watches him with his heart in hand, unhappy for him, but can only go on.
"Listen, Ryan..."
The other shakes his head, his dark curls move on the forehead that Merlin once had loved so much...
"Please, let me finish..."
Merlin nods to let him continue with a small movement of his head in assent, crossing his arms on the breakfast table.
"You already know that I have left my wife. I am ready to offer you now what I should have offered you in the past, and although I greatly regret not having done so sooner, I beg you to consider what I'm saying now. I LOVE YOU. I know I have always loved you, even though I have never found the right way to prove it... I love you. Even today, after so much time together, and even more in your absence. I want you back with me, Merlin"
Merlin reaches out and breaths in the air he needs to answer...but Ryan continues.
"I love you... and I'm willing to accept your terms if you want to try again with me. Whatever they are, I promise to accept them. Obviously, I don't expect you to give me an answer right away. I know my proposal may confuse you. I'm willing to wait for you to get used to the idea of us getting back together and to taking it slow. I'll give you all the time you need. I just want you to answer me that you will think about it. Now I only care about this answer..."
Merlin clunches his hand for a moment. Then he moves away, staring into his eyes...
"Ryan... you have waited the entire period of my convalescence to let me know your intentions and, despite having long known that we'd have reached this point, I appreciate that you have postponed it. Do you know why I have avoided taking about this?"
The other moves backwards, leaning back in his chair at the table, stepping away from a tone that reaches him cold and final. Then, he stares at Merlin in the eye with a sad expression, ready to listen to his words, whose meaning, however, he has already sensed...
"Continue..."
He moves a hand to his chin, slowly stroking his still sore jaws, hit by Arthur the night before, which will probably bruise in a couple of days.
Merlin collects his invitation after a long pause.
"I don't need time to give you my answer, Ryan, because I've ready chosen. For days now, I have reflected on the two of us, on giving a new chance to our relationship, already over. I will not hide that during the first days after the surgery I was very tempted to try again... and the fact that you saved my life... well...has contributed a lot to my initial hesitation, as seeing you present and really interested in me, free at last to love me as I have always wanted you to..."
"Why in all this I am just reading a big 'but'?"
His tone is not hard, but still dry...
"Because what I'm saying ends exactly like that and it seems you have already figured it out. I cannot date you again, Ryan… not even go out with you as a friend. I don't want to get your hopes up about us"
Ryan takes the lumps and lowers his shoulders. He stares at Merlin in defeat.
"Tell me why! I understand you are still angry ... that you want to get revenge for the suffering I have caused you. I could accept it if you tell me this is the reason why you are pulling back from the two of us. I'll give you the time you need to trust me again..."
Merlin shakes his head...
"It's not that. Forgiveness is the only thing that is not an obstacle for us... in fact, I no longer hold any grudge against you, or our past..."
Ryan leans toward Merlin on the table, capturing his eyes once again.
"And then what it is? What is preventing you from taking even a bit of time to think? I don't understand..."
Merlin straightens his posture and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning on his back.
"All this time ... these days ... I have tried to read myself the best as possible. You know I'm still roaming in the fog, that I still don't remember a whole year of my life. Yet somehow, in all this confusion, I was convinced that my heart would have preserved the memory of my love for you, if that love had been still there. I have long sought to understand if something was left of my old feelings for you, but I have found nothing. Therefore ... today, it is for this reason that I'm definitively closing the door to our story. I am not doing this out of spite, nor to punish or take revenge on you, but simply because I don't feel anything for you. I want to turn the page and move on"
Ryan would like to shout at him that he knows that in those final words there is the Pendragon boy, because he is starting to realize that Merlin isn't telling him… but he has feelings for someone else. Despite his being still immersed in the fog, it is clear that Merlin still feels a bond with the young man, with threads that no one can understand...
His jaw hurts even more, while taking Merlin's words as final...
"Are you sure about your decision? Are you sure you don't want to take your time to think?"
Merlin nods, really determined to close their story forever.
"Pretty sure. I have no doubt. Today we say goodbye, closing this conversation, postponed for too long, and without any hesitation on my part. I'm sorry for hurting you right now. I know I'm doing it, but I cannot go against the decisions I have already taken. I would just like to exit this cafè friendly, with no hard feelings, but with things definitively clarified..."
"There's really nothing I can do to hold you back?"
"If I had still loved you, I would have come back to you as I always have all the other times, and without even been asked to... the problem today is that I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE and this is something you need to accept if you want to move on… because you'll have to do it without me. For my part, I'll thank you forever for saving me, for having spent with me some of the best years of my life, but it is here that the chapter ends. If you want, you can also delegate my therapy if it hurts you to see me. In fact, I beg you to strongly consider it... believe me, I've been there because of you and I know that not seeing each other is the best way to leave the sufferings behind"
Merlin is glacial and straightforward in ending things and Ryan widens his white smile for the last time, sarcastic...
"I have been a good teacher then"
Ryan's car arrives at the villa on time for lunch, while everyone is having a drink in the front garden of the villa.
Arthur is staring at it all the time at a distance, while the two young men inside the car say goodbye to each other. Finally, Merlin gets out, closing the door behind him, and without looking back, heads slowly towards them, as the car makes a U-turn and goes away from the long private driveway leading to the estate.
Arthur observes Merlin walking thoughtfully and putting a hand through his hair. His slightly tense face relaxs and widens into a big smile as he approaches them.
Ygraine and Uther are chatting amiably, apparently abducted in their own world. Mordred and Morgana are next to Arthur, with whom they are talking about things that Merlin cannot hear from where he is. In front of at that picture, Merlin breathes in spring, happy to be in that place and to spend two days with the Emrys and Pendragon families reunited. However, mostly he is happy to SEE Arthur.
Even in that moment in fact, while he is watching him from a distance, so beautiful in the sunlight that makes his hair shine gold, Merlin is feeling a thousand emotions inside for which he has stopped trying to give an explanation…he is just eager to live them...
.
Arthur is silent, tense, while the others greet the brunet when he arrives... Merlin swallows a couple of times as he stares at the blond with a sudden knot in his throat. He loses himself in his intense blue eyes... therefore, he jokes to break the embarrassment of the moment.
"Hey! When yesterday you talked about the estate, you didn't specify that it was actually a castle... I almost feel awe..."
The tone is playful, but Merlin is struggling to stay connected with the world around him, while Arthur seems to run him through from side to side and scrutinize him with insistence.
The blond is obviously concerned about his conversation with Ryan, but Merlin cannot know that, and therefore doesn't know why of his sudden silence.
At that joke, Morgana approaches Merlin and kisses him on the cheek, breaking the ice...
"Hello Merlin. Welcome. Don't say that! Do you want to embarrass us? "
Merlin returns the kiss fondly, moving his gaze on Arthur, meeting his. He feels growing inside the tension abandoned only hours before...
"Embarrass, sister-in-law? Nooo... if anything, we are the ones embarrassed here. I didn't know we had intermarried with royals. I'm almost afraid that I have to run and buy a book of etiquette to carry around. You're all so... aristocratic..."
Merlin leaves Morgana and Arthur's gaze to approach Uther and Ygraine slowly. When she sees him, she goes to him with her elegant air.
Merlin is impressed by the manners of the woman, who certainly has a regal and elegant way to do, but also a naturalness that shines through her every gesture spontaneously.
"Hello, Merlin, I can finally meet you! It is a pleasure for me to have you Emrys here with us... it was time that our families would gather to know each other better..."
Merlin openly smiles at the woman, feeling completely at ease...
"The pleasure is mine. It was a really good idea to spend the weekend together..."
Uther approaches them and Merlin noted a certain confidentially air between his father and Ygraine, although neither are doing something to show it. The way the two of them seem to fill the space around them, to invade each other's space unintentionally, suggests a preliminary dance of a complicity that goes beyond friendship. Merlin smiles at the thought, surprised by the fact that he is fine with all this.
"So, Merlin, have you finally recovered? You look well and this fine weather will help you feel even better"
Merlin nods, taking the glass Uther is handing him. Then, without turning around, he feels a presence behind him approaching slowly and taking a seat beside him: Arthur.
Having him so close causes him a sudden but familiar flight of butterflies in his stomach and continueing the conversation with the blond's mother has become difficult. Lost in his scent and in his warmth that seems to enter him even from distant, Merlin forgets to answer; therefore, Mordred calls everyone's attention...
"Well... since we are all here, why don't we sit down? So we can keep talking at the table?"
Merlin swallows his drink in one gulp. Then he answers, staring at Arthur and turning to him...
"Good idea, I'm starving. Let's go then"
Arthur has yet to utter a word since the brunet has arrived, and Merlin is starting to feel uncomfortable under his scrutinizing gaze.
The others are already on their way to a sunny corner of the garden, where the household staff has set a table. The silence is overwhelming and Merlin is about to say something, when Arthur finally breaks the air around them with his voice...
"The person who has driven you here didn't stay?"
Arthur is obviously happy that Ryan is out of the way, but he is questioning Merlin because he can't resist: he must know right now what they have talked about at breakfast...
"You could have invited him to stay if you wanted"
Of course he would have preferred to kick the doctor in the ass and send him back to London, but Merlin doesn't need to know that detail.
"It was not the case. He was just a friend. We had breakfast together, but he had go back to work. He is the surgeon who saved me"
Merlin becomes tense, but Arthur continues. He already knows those details. He needs to know more...
"You and he ... well…you know…"
Merlin stops for a moment, blushing. He isn't ready for such a question. Not that he doesn't like it, of course, because it shows Arthur's interest, but he doesn't know what to say. So he decides to be honest...
"He is my ex boyfriend"
Merlin holds his breath for a moment, surveying the reaction of the young man in front him, feeling that somehow they are at a turning point...
"An ex as a friend? I have never believed in the fact that when you end a love relationship, it can turn into friendship..."
Merlin stares at him, reading between the lines a silent question: Arthur is implicitly asking if he and Ryan are still something. He needs to reassure him, because the boy is exposing himself somehow.
"Me neither. Never. But he saved my life and I think this counts for something, right? Maybe we cannot remain friends for real, but we can still part ways cordially, with no hard feelings, say goodbye amicably, it doesn't happen most of the times"
Arthur nods, for the first time giving a possibility to that idea in his head.
"Ex. Friend."
Merlin smiles at him, realizing he has convinced him. He sinks his happy eyes in the blue ones of blond. He feels great by his side. He is happy to see him. He cannot wait to spend two days with him and wants Arthur to have no doubt about his being completely free of any love relationship...
"Very ex. And a sort of friend from today on. In the sense that I will no longer scream at him when we meet and maybe I'll send him a card at Christmas, hoping to hear that he has moved on"
Arthur calms himself, but his heart is already jumping with joy in his chest. His inevitably happiness is clearly written on his face. Then, he searches a definitive clarification.
"Isn't he the doctor with whom you have to do your therapy?"
Merlin gives him a shameless wink, to confirm the fall of the last doubt.
"I asked him to delegate the supervision of my case: I will be under another doctor's care. We have agreed it is for the best"
The blond's sigh of relief must have almost reached Merlin's ears, while together they join the others at the table.
Lunch has flown, as well as the entire afternoon.
The group has spent hours in relaxing chatting. Then, they have visited the estate, led by Ygraine. They have passed through the stables, filled with many and well-cared horses, the beautiful and flowered gardens and finally they have admired the many rose bushes, so wanted and loved by Ygraine, including numerous species of rare roses.
Uther is lost, as he listens to her, busy describing every single quality and history of each different type of rose with passion. He is genuinely interested and their children behind them are watching them interacting, amazed by the intimacy between the two of them, established during the day.
Morgana is the most enthusiastic and doesn't hesitate to show it, while Mordred hands her a freshly picked red rose...
"I say that Mom and Uther should have spent the weekend alone. I mean, look at them! They are... so absorbed by each other to forget we are here too. I find it very romantic. What about you? Our mother has been a widow for many years now and I say that it would be good for her to have a companion. Arthur, what do you think?"
Merlin listens to the girl, noticing his father moving relaxed and peaceful for the first time after years, and replies instead of the blond, conscious of his father's difficult personality, which could bother Ygraine in the long run...
"I don't know...Morgana, our father is a very complicated man. He too is a widow, but to tell you the truth even before our mother's death, our parents had been separated for years. And his strong, stubborn and hard character has always prevented him to carry on stable relationships from that day on, which have always ended almost immediately. I would say that for a woman it is quite complicated to even think to be with him"
Morgana smiles, hugging Mordred beside her, beaming...
"Well... I would say that we must stop meddling in our parents' business. They are adults and surely know what they are doing. Arthur, when was the last time you have seen mother so at peace?"
Since he knows their past, Arthur observes Ygraine and Uther, happy for them.
"I don't know, but I can say that our mother has never been interested in any man after dad's death. Seeing her smiling for someone, with someone after so many years, pleases me a lot..."
Mordred stretches and gives him a five and Merlin, seeing them together, feels his heart a bit lighter, as if there, in that moment and in that place, the pieces of the puzzle of his life are beginning to fall into place. As if those days together with the Pendragons, with ARTHUR, are spreading a kind of light on his fog, which now no longer seems to wrap him completely. And Arthur is by his side, capturing every nuance of his new thoughts or new condition, and every time unknowingly finding the right way and words to take his hand, to show him the right path, making his way in his life and in his hours, suddenly no longer empty...
Merlin turns away, blushing, suddenly realizing he is staring, and Arthur smiles back, conscious of the moment of intimacy in his thoughts.
The air around them seems to be full of emotion, when Uther and Ygraine abandon the roses and approach them...
"Kids, Ygraine and I have to make a kind of announcement. At the end of this month, we will go together to New York to see the opening of a marvelous play that haven't been played in the theaters for some time. Earlier, while chatting, we have discovered that we intend to go with friends, each our separate ways, but there is no reason why we cannot arrange to go together. We won't be away long..."
Mordred starts laughing shamelessly, followed by Merlin. Morgana sinks into his shoulder not to suffocate due to her incredulous joy and Arthur winks at Uther.
Ygraine is embarrassed, but obviously happy when Mordred continues...
"Am I mistaken or are you asking our permission? Aren't you too old to be asking your children's permission to date?"
Uther smiles, embarrassed in turn.
"Well... we... we weren't thinking to go alone, actually..."
Arthur gives him a pat on the back...
"You could. You don't go to see the opera with too many people for company"
Ygraine finishes for both, quick, ending their children's laughter and retaking control.
"We didn't want to ask your permission. Even if we haven't seen each other for many years, Uther and I don't need excuses to express the desire to amend our friendship, which can be solid and strong once again, as it used to..."
Morgana steps back from Mordred and takes his mother's hand, eager, as a woman, to know everything...
"Let's go for a walk towards the stables? I'm afraid I have forgotten my scarf earlier, when we went there"
Ygraine sighs, relaxing and laughing. She starts walking away with her daughter on the path surrounded by well-cared flowerbeds.
.
The men are left alone and stare at each other, communicating with their eyes. Then, Uther claps his hands on his chest, evidently satisfied...
"I need some brandy or something similar. Who's with me?"
Mordred silently nods toward Arthur, showing his support, and answers for everyone...
"I am, Dad. Merlin has exaggerated at lunch and it is better for him not to drink again. Arthur, will you stay here too?"
Arthur smiles, catching Mordred's delicate way to leave them alone.
When father and son leave, the blond turns to Merlin...
"Would you like another glass of wine? It isn't brandy, but at least you can drink it, I think..."
Merlin nods, following Arthur towards the still set table.
.
Once there, Arthur pours wine for both, handing a sparkling cup to Merlin.
They don't speak and Arthur sits with one leg crossed over a chair, sliding forward a bit on the seat, sipping his wine. Merlin is in front of him, leaning against the table. He is drinking lazily and swaying the wine in the glass gently, struggling to break the tension of that moment, given to them by the others...
"So... Arthur, flying… what is like?"
Arthur takes a long sip, watching him from above the lips glued to the cup. Then, he puts the glass on the table, leaning a little forward, closer to Merlin, who can smell his perfume, still fresh on his skin.
Merlin swallows a few times, looking closely at his wheat-colored hair and at the way they are uncombed on his forehead, where he would like to lose his hands slowly. He too puts the cup on the table and puts his hands in his pockets, because they are trembling with emotion, as happens whenever the air between them is tense, as it is now...
He almost doesn't hear the answer. He has to focus to do it.
"It's... like a drug, I think"
Arthur takes a deep breath, waiting, waiting to see Merlin remembering something at his words, but nothing happens. Therefore, put off but eager to spend as much time as possible alone with Merlin, he continues...
"Well…that's what I feel"
"I can imagine. You know, thinking about your work, I think it's exactly how it should be, flying on a fighter plane I mean ... an intoxicating experience ... that direct contact with the immensity of the blue of the sky! I cannot think of a better definition"
Arthur looks at Merlin in the eyes as he says these words and feels like dying inside. Seeing his eyes, the same cobalt blue they are talking about, is becoming of a suddon painful due to their intensity.
Unable to look away from his face, the blond keeps staring at him, looking down once again at his lips, that he loves above all else, longing to be the breath that leaves them in an inaudible whisper. Then he loses himself, indulging too much in the contrast created by the light on Merlin's snowy skin and prominent cheekbones.
He looks away, defeated, while the brunet seems to be lost in the moment, isolated from the world with him.
Merlin clenches his hands, pressing his nails into his palms, tense and eager to do or to say something more, but been actually incapable of daring for real.
Then Arthur continues.
"I have been flying since I was very young, since I was fifteen. I had a special permission to attend the flight school so early. My father was a pilot. I flew with him right away. I don't even remember when I started… I was that young. Flying has always been my dream and the navy has only allowed me to realize it. I got a degree in physics well ahead than normal, because I could not wait to make of flying my life, my job..."
Merlin nods. A shiver runs long his spine. He just hopes that Arthur will realize how excited he is and that that intimacy will lead them toward something more than their usual elusive contact...
"You are like me then. I fell in love with my job thanks to my father. I have always known I would have become a doctor"
Arthur nods, always tense.
Merlin smiles and loosens the tension...
"I hope to be able to return to work soon. I miss it a lot, as well as the rest of my life. I feel as if I'm in a waiting room..."
Arthur hurts at those words. He gets up, pours another glass of wine and sips it in front of Merlin, who is enjoying the new atmosphere between the two of them.
Merlin is caught by the moment. His eyes moves from Arthur's gaze to his full mouth, then to his Adam's apple, which moves as the blond swallows the ruby red liquid, of which Merlin is even capable of drawing the path inside his throat.
He averts his eyes, looking down, eager to feel the taste of that sweet and fruity wine into Arthur's mouth, dreaming of abandon himself against his lips.
He has a physical need to close his eyes and to indulge in that vision and does it for a moment. Then, he reopens them immediately.
He is sad that Arthur still hasn't made a move. It is obvious they want each other. They are alone and that would be the perfect moment to dare something, so far away from the others.
Merlin is about to make the first move and kiss the blond, when Arthur, won by the desperation of not being able to approach and take him in his arms, grabs his arms strongly, letting him slip his hand out of his pocket.
He cannot touch him, he cannot kiss him, he cannot invade the delicate fragility of Merlin's mind, but staying away from him has become an immense torture... he needs to get away, to put some distance between them.
"Come with me... there's something I want to show you"
Merlin is still lost in his desire to kiss Arthur, when he feels someone forcibly dragging and reuniting him with the world. It is difficult to reconnect himself with the air around him.
"Where are we going?"
"We have a hangar at the end of the estate. As a young man, my father had bought an old airplane: a veteran of the two world wars. He had it restored and now the plane is still kept here, on the estate area. Now it's mine. I still revised it, because sometimes I like to fly with it. I want to show it to you!"
Arthur and Merlin arrive at the Hangar almost at dusk and the light colors of orange all around, including the aircraft, which takes Merlin's breath away in an instant because of its beauty.
It is well cared. It is military gray. It no longer has the identification serial numbers of the aviation forces it comes from, but instead on the front chassis there is an inscription, clearly dedicated to Arthur by his father: "Little Prince" with a half-length of Saint-Exupéry's blonde Little Prince painted just below. Then, Merlin moves his eyes for a better view. It has two seats, but the pilots cabin is not covered. So Merlin tries not to imagine Arthur on board flying with the wind in his hair and rayban sunglasses on his face as he slips through the clouds.
The brunet is shaken from his fantasies only when he hears the other speaking...
"My gem. It's a Hawker Hart, a 1930 light bomber, single-engine, 12-cylinder, water-cooled..."
Merlin lights up as he watches Arthur being so passionate about what it's evidently his life.
"We obtained it from the Royal Air Force (RAF), when it was about to be scrapped, destroyed. My father put it back together. It was used in both world wars and it is almost unique. In all UK, I think there are no more than two or three planes identical to this one. The Pendragon family is very proud to own it and I have lost count of all the times I have flown with it"
"You are right to be so proud... it is really beautiful and I imagine that flying with an open cabin is different... feeling the air on you..."
Arthur looks away from the plane and looks at Merlin.
"It is. Obviously you cannot exceed a certain altitude because of the pressure... but flying on a plane directly with the wind in your hair is really something unique"
Arthur refrains from lean and hold Merlin in his arms and kiss him, eager to take him even there on the bare ground, while his body is alive and warm, colored by the orange sunset.
"Can't we... you know... take a ride on it?"
Arthur shakes his head slowly.
"It must be prepared. I have to refuel it and check the commands. Furthermore, the sun is almost set and soon it will be dark. We cannot fly if there is no visibility. This plane has no electronic controls... Besides, I am guessing that you need to ask Mordred and Uther if you can fly, right?"
Merlin pouts, genuinely disappointed. He would have really loved to fly with Arthur.
Arthur gives in in front of the redness of his cheeks, in front of his deliciously frowning lips.
"Let's talk about it later at dinner. If you get the go ahead of your father and Mordred, tomorrow morning I will prepare and check the plane and if you still want to... "
"Seriously? I'll do anything to corrupt my two personal doctors to give me permission. I suggest you start preparing, because I always get what I want!"
Merlin mischievously winks at him, sending Arthur's blood down to his groin, turning him on. It is painful to give up that moment...
"Let's go back? Soon it will be dark and the area has no light. Besides, we will have to prepare for dinner"
The evening and the dinner are over.
The Pendragons and the Emrys are in the living room drinking something together. Arthur is thickly talking with Uther. Morgana and Mordred are chatting with Ygraine. Merlin is sitting on the ground, on a large carpet, intent on looking at an old album of photographs of the estate, where he has also found photos of Arthur, Morgana, Ygraine and Balinor.
In particular, Merlin has stopped to stare at some old photographs of Arthur as a child. In one, he is standing next to the plane, helmet in hand and aviator sunglasses on, next to his father, who is apparently teaching him something. In another, Arthur is a teenager, wearing a mechanic's jumpsuit, and is wonderful; his hair is so greasy and a bit longer and sweaty. Then another photo, where he is always next to the plane, while adjusting a few pieces, and his father is sitting in the cockpit giving him instructions. And finally the last one, the most beautiful of all, where Arthur is lifting his thumb and showing the pilot's license he had just earned. He is damn beautiful and his joy is evident on his face. His eyes are of an even more intense blue.
Merlin closes the album, overwhelmed by the emotions triggered by the full immersion in a part of the life of the blond, whose presence and penetrating gaze he can consistently and strongly feel behind and on him.
Merlin gets up and pulls himself together, depositing the old album on a near table.
Morgana is tired and shows a desire to leave. It has been a very nice but intense day, and she doesn't want to force the hand with the pregnancy, about which she and Mordred intend to tell Merlin the next day, pretending to announce it for the first time.
Mordred hugs her and waves.
"We retire. Tomorrow morning will we have breakfast together? Or are you going to laze in bed?"
Ygraine responds.
"We always have breakfast by nine. Let's just say that the breakfast room will be ready for that hour and everyone can decide what to do. It's a weekend of relaxation and if you want to spend a few more hours in bed, we can meet later in the morning..."
Mordred and Morgana nod and leave the room. Then, also Ygraine takes her leave, accusing fatigue.
Merlin gets up to answer a call from Gwaine and Arthur is left alone with Uther, who immediately asks him a question...
"Has Merlin made some progress we are not aware of today?"
Arthur shakes his head and Uther sighs. So Arthur continues.
"But between us things are going well. The complicity that has always distinguished us has returned, even if it is becoming more and more difficult for me to restrain myself or ignore what we have"
Uther looks at him in the eyes.
"Give him time. You've just 'met' yesterday..."
Arthur punches the arm of the sofa, clearly tense. Then, he asks a delicate question in turn...
"What about you? You and my mom, I mean... how has it been spending this day together after all these years?"
Uther smiles, embarassed.
"As catching an interrupted thread... as if time had never passed. For the both of us. The problem will be tonight... how to spend the night until tomorrow..."
Arthur looks surprised, "Why?"
"Ygraine and I... this is where we have done it for the first time together. It was during a party. We spent the night in the coach house next to the stables. No one noticed. Tonight will be long to live"
Arthur is watching him in silence, full of understanding, but doesn't comment. Then, Uther gets up.
"I'll pour myself one last glass of scotch and drink it in my room. Goodnight... and goodnight to you too, Merlin"
Merlin is coming back at that precise moment, while his father is about to leave, and tells him, "Goodnight, dad... see you tomorrow then"
.
Merlin and Arthur are alone now and, as usual, neither of them speak.
Arthur because he is pinned by the fear of not being able to control himself and to give in to his instincts, and Merlin because he is still uncertain whether to make the first move. He doesn't see Arthur determined. Somehow, he perceives him aloof. Therefore, he isn't sure if Arthur likes him as Merlin does him. So, he remains distant and scrutineer, afraid to take the step to get closer to him.
Arthur gets up to pour himself a drink and Merlin watches him from behind, his heart in his throat, lost in his strong and elegant figure: tight jeans wrapping a wonderful ass, muscular legs, broad shoulders and the majestic neck standing on a perfect back.
Busy catching every detail, Merlin daydream about how the blond's naked body must look like. He blushes, afraid to have been caught red-handed in his fantasies, when the other turns. Then, he looks down, tormenting his hands and drumming them on his knees.
If only Arthur would make a move...just one... to make him understand whether he can dare!
Merlin is paralyzed, like a boy without experience, completely frozen and lost in his emotions by the desire to dare.
There, in front of him, Arthur is tense and at his limit. He is afraid of being even a minute longer in the room. The air between them is so electric and sexually tense that he is about to break and has a feeling that he won't be able to control himself anymore.
He observes Merlin sipping his wine, dreaming of turning off that sweet-sour taste on his lips, of sinking into his tempting neck, of taking him in his arms tightly…of taking him there in that moment, on the couch or on the floor, even of pinning him to the wall.
With trembling hands, he puts the glass down, shrugs and looks away.
Then, he runs away, not to give in to the desire... he is excited and soon he will not even be able to hide it. So he better go.
"I'm going too ... it's late and this last glass has helped my exhaustion..."
For a moment, Merlin is convinced that the blond will ask him to follow him and his heart stops beating, while holding his breath, but the other man continues and takes his leave.
"Goodnight then, see you tomorrow"
Merlin breathlessly responds with a slight nod. Then, when the other has left the room altogether, he leans against the back of the couch.
"You're a fool, Merlin! You are 28 and haven't the courage to make a move!? What's the worst that could happen? At best, he says no!"
Merlin stays and thinks for a few minutes, unsure. Then, he gets up and walks towards the corridor leading to the rooms.
Arthur is pacing his room, angry and sad, at the limit of exhaustion, furious with himself and with the world. He is starting to undress for the night: he is bare-chested, barefoot and dressed only with his jeans, when he hears a knock at the door.
He goes to the door, convinced it's one of the household staff, when he finds Merlin at the other side, embarrassly smiling and with his hands in his pockets.
"Can I come in?"
Arthur looks at him astonished, his jaw blocked. Then, without responding, too surprised, moves to the side, allowing him to pass.
"...Yes... of course"
Merlin lowers his head and enters. Then, he lifts it to look around into the room, hoping that Arthur would say something, maybe asking why he is there in his room, making things easier for him. But the blond doesn't. Instead, he approaches the bed and puts on the shirt he had left there before.
Merlin feels like dying at the sight of his bare back. He loses himself in his sculpted and manly muscles and in his male and perfect skin… so hot. So that it becomes even more difficult to try to say what he wants.
He approaches him slowly and stops the hands that are putting on the shirt. He stops behind his back.
"Arthur..."
The other turns, overwhelmed. His face is pure hell, overflowing desire, almost close to tears.
He stares at him without uttering a word, fearing that even breathing would make him take Merlin and make love to him, because he really can't take it anymore.
Only a further step, another word, and Arthur will lose control... and yield to his instinct telling him to take him again and again and to forget that he should stay away.
But it's Merlin the one to decide the fate of both… a fate impossible to escape.
"I don't... I mean, I wanted to say that... I thought that... well... you..."
Arthur stares at him, dying inside at his every word, his body struck by spasms of pain mixed with excitement and desire.
"…you aren't going to ask. So I'll do it for you. Would you like to make love to me?"