Chapter 11: Your, 'what if', comes true?
You're at the breakfast table again. Karen is glancing between Kenny and you uncomfortably. Kenny is simply chatting about how he can't wait for summer vacation to come. Blandly ignoring you at every opportunity. However he'd look your way and grin at the scars he made. You'd advert your eyes from it. You can't hold your ground. Just remember your plan: get your brother to kill you. It won't be hard, you think. Kenny already hates you well enough. He proves that every night. But why does he have to grin at you like that? As if this is a joke, you're a joke. Your brother is enjoying what you are going through. You barely eat your rotten toast, sitting there.
Like always, Kenny gets up and leaves the kitchen first. When he is gone, Karen turns to you.
"I know what's happening now." You jolted. "Kenny talks in his showers when something is bothering him...and I found a knife hidden under his pillow.."
Karen fidgeted in her chair, staring strongly back at you. Of course she doesn't know what to say. She's aware that her older brother raped her younger brother. That her younger brother is cutting up her older brother. You're not much shocked, she was going to find out sooner or later.
"Kare." You said. "You think I'm a freak, don't you?"
Your little sister's face changes into an offended one, an scared one.
"Yea, it's okay to think so, I know I am." You mutter dully. "I'm pathetic, you hate me too don't you? Worst big bro you could ever had."
"Oh Kevin I don't-"
"Don't lie. You do. I molested Kenny, and you still love me?" You interrogate stubbornly. You refuse to believe that she would still love you after knowing what you done. Karen appeared unsure of what to say next.
"...I-I...don't hate you Kevin. You're my brother, I c-could never..." She whispers. "I just don't...understand..."
"And you never will." You shake your head sadly. For her. "My love is too complicated for anyone to accept."
"...Do you love Ken? Like, a boy likes a girl?" Karen asked, after a pause.
"Yes." You muttered softly. The truth hurts more when it's spoken. It's been almost two weeks since the incident, and you dare still have affections for the blond? You won't have him, so why keep it safe in your heart? Because you have nothing else to live for. After another pause she asked,
"Well, w-why can't Kenny love you too? Then we can be all happy again."
Why? You've never thought to ask why. You feel the need to go ask Kenny that right then. A bit of anger swelled up inside you. Was it really that impossible for Kenny to love you back? Or even give it a chance? You don't think so. Why can't he love you too? It's such a wonderful question! Maybe at first Kenny couldn't love you, because he had Addy the Skanky. But she's gone. Is it that there's another girl in his life?
No, you know damn well why. Quit creating excuses and avoiding the truth. Kenny doesn't love you because your his brother. Kenny knows right from wrong. You're unattractive, who'd even kiss you with your acne and lanky body? You were never good enough for Kenny. If only you had been born to a different family, had big breast and a vagina, everything would have been perfect. You're far from it.
"Kenny can't love me because I'm just a freak. And I'm his brother." You answer to her.
"But...you're not a freak Kev. I don't care that you two are brothers. I just want us to be together again..." She replied. You look at her amazed.
"Karen, you don't think it's a little gross that I love my brother?" You added pressure to the word, 'brother'. She shook her head, a frown pulling at her lips.
"I don't care. If you truly love him, that's what I care for. Mom and dad are already torn apart, I don't want you two the same way. I need you guys..."
Your brotherly instinct kicked in, and you were up in a start. Tugging her onto your lap and hugging her. Your parent's relationship is jacked, Karen must feel the same is happening with Kenny and you. How can you tell her everything will be okay and give comfort, when you know that it's not okay and you're going to die by Kenny's hands?
Luckily, the said boy appears at the door. Clearly glaring at the way your holding Karen, as if you'd rape her on the spot.
"Let's go Kare, school's starting." He orders, grabbing her hand and pulling her away from you. Karen looks back, her eyes pleading for you to fix this. Your eyes tell her, you can't.
Tonya is staring at you, your face specifically. You chew your hamburger awkwardly. It's been plain silence with her ever since your walked into the school. Finally, she starts a conversation with you.
"How are you, honey?"
"Usual. Why?" She squints.
"You have more scars today, did you think I wouldn't notice?" You looked away guilty, that's exactly what you hoped for.
"What does it matter?"
"Kevin. You need to stop Kenny from cutting you!" Tonya insisted stubbornly.
"I can't stop him..." You muttered. You really can't. Kenny is doing what he believes to be right, like you did when you raped him. If you stop him, you'd be a hypocrite.
"And why is that?"
"I don't want him to stop."
"But you promised me that you wouldn't kill yourself or think about it!" She accused betrayed. You shake your head at her.
"I'm not, Kenny will kill me."
Tonya's orbs ignited and her cheeks puffed. You braced yourself. Your best friend definitely disapproves of your decision.
"Why? It's not that serious." Her voice breaks, you grab her hand. She's very mistaken.
"This is serious. Kenny is serious. He was my only reason for living, I don't have that anymore."
"Kevin, please. You need to stay alive." Your friend begs. "Just smile, please."
You give in to her, only her, presenting an bitter smile. You couldn't mix up an happy one. You weren't happy. You haven't curved your lips upwards for weeks. What is there to grin for? Tonya bites the inside of her cheek.
"Are really that depressed? Are you really that lonely? Because you're not, I'm here!"
You take her hand and put it to your heart. You have to be intense, dramatic, and clear so she would understand.
"I'm empty there, Ton. I know full well that I have you, I love you man. Except there's nothing to fill in that lonely space." Your best friend didn't comment on you calling her a man, so you keep going.
"I'm not strong enough, I see that now. I won't have you forever by my side, so I might as well end it here."
"What about Karen?" You shrug. The memory of earlier with your sister came back.
"She has one more brother. A better one."
Before Tonya could say it you interrupted,
"Yea, I know I'm selfish." It's quiet again.
You prayed hard that your friend understood now. You can't keep going on about how you made up your mind, of not living. Tonya pushed her food tray, sunk and buried her head in her arms, your hand still holding hers.
"Why are you giving up so easily?" She whispered, muffled. "Do you not have any hope left?"
"You still don't get it. KENNY was my hope." You grit your teeth, becoming slightly irritated. "Everything I pushed for and done was because of and for him!"
"Why...why does it have to be that way?" Tonya's voice is breaking more. You tighten your grip on her hand. You could at least give her some strength.
"I told you, over and over. I. Love. Him. I don't depend on him, I love him." You muttered regretfully. "Tch, is it so terrible to believe?"
"H-he meant that much to you, uh?" She laughs abruptly. "Maybe, I was wrong for once."
"What?" You start. "What do you mean?"
"I mean honey," Tonya raises her face, tears pooling in her eyes. "that you were right. Yes, I knew Kenny wouldn't accept you. But I was wrong about your feelings. I shouldn't judge people emotions. If only I knew how important he was to you..."
"...Are you saying, you believe me?" Now your eyes are getting blurred. Though you shake your head again. "It's too late now."
"What if it's not? Who said it has to be this way?"
"I did. Kenny did. The society did. You did." You reminded, your irritation which faltered, rose a little.
"I change my mind Kevin. I refuse to lose you." Tonya used that voice. Her,'won't take no for an answer', voice.
"There's nothing you can do now." You wipe your eyes with your arm. "The damage is done."
"What if, you could change Kenny's mind?" You blink, a glimmer of optimism. However, it leaves quickly.
"I can't Ton, that's impossible. He'd barely talk or look at me."
"But what if? What if, Kenny loves you back, or even if he likes you as a brother again? What if?" Your best friend persisted.
"Well, I think the answer is obvious." You scoffed, your heart rate slowing down. This is what the blond does to you. In spite of the incident.
"If Kenny loves me back, I'll be happy again. I'll smile for every second of my wake. I'd give him all my love that he should have. I'd give him my life."
Tonya stares at you. You began to assume she's analyzing you. That she's thinking about how pathetic that sounded coming out of your mouth. You didn't confess everything you'd do, but it's pitiful. Holding such strong desires for your younger sibling. Surprisingly she said,
"Jason and I, we're an awful couple. But Kenny and you-I can't believe I'm saying this-might be a great pairing."
"You...you're telling the truth?" You're shocked. No one had ever approved of the thought of a deeper relationship with Kenny and you. Tonya was the last person you'd expect to agree with it.
"Of course I am." Her tears dried, replaced with determination. "There's noway I can stay dating Jason-"
"Ton-"
"No, I'm okay with it. I found out about the fight you two had, I forgive you for not telling me."
You tap your free hand's fingers, ashamed and embarrassed. You're not the bravest to announce you lost the fight. Especially to Tonya, since he's her boyfriend.
"As I was saying, I'm breaking up with Jason. He's a jerk. But you might have a chance with your love."
"Oh Tonya." You lean forward over the table, and pecked her forehead. "You could do better than that ass-wipe anyways."
She smiled and nodded 'thanks'. You guys completely ignored the way the other students around you gaped creep out. Actually, both of you forgotten that they were even there. It still wouldn't made a difference.
You still hadn't believed her, though. Kenny's hatred and vengeance consistently flared. There was no end to it, you thought. But you were just fine and dandy with it. He'll sooner or later get tired of waiting and kill you off. It didn't matter whether or not Tonya suddenly discovered she was wrong and you were right. Or that Karen wants her brothers to be together again and she doesn't care about incest. You had only wished for the blond to murder you fast, you couldn't watch how Tonya was suffering. For the next days, she had been pondering how to get Kenny to love you, or at least be your brother again. Everyday, you'd tell her to give up and it's useless. Like your love for him. But Tonya is headstrong and things will go as plan eventually. So that's how it was for the while. Spiraling on hopelessly. Until one night came
Oddly, rather than cut your legs(he ran out of places on your torso and face), Kenny woken you up. You blinked open your eyes and saw his alluring copper orbs staring down at you uncertain and blank. Kenny's luscious lips are stretched into a line. He didn't even posses a knife in hand. You're about to speak when a dark blush marked his pale cheeks.
"...I read them." Kenny muttered lowly.
What did he read? Why didn't he have his knife?