Clive Owen: I am actually kind of excited to learn how to cook, the Muggle way. If my parents knew about this, they would not be pleased. Oh well, I'm pretty pissed at my dad for not telling me that Stefan's mom died. I am starting to realize just how messed up my family is. Hopefully, after this, Kate won't think I am Mugglephobic.

(Clive Owen enters the dungeon)

Kate: Hey, Clive! I haven't actually started yet because I didn't want to make anything that you don't like or can't eat.

Clive Owen: Oh, thanks. You know, I am not too crazy about seafood, but everything else is great. I'm a guy, you know. Food is food.

Kate: Okay, well I don't really know anything about seafood so that works out very well. I'm gonna make pierogies, lamb chops, and pumpkin bread for dessert.

Clive Owen: Okay, I've had pumpkin juice, but I've never had pumpkin bread. And I have absolutely no idea what pierogies are.

Kate: They are Russian. They are like pot stickers, kind of. Or ravioli.

Clive Owen: Uh…

Kate: Okay, don't worry about it. They are good. I can't believe you've never had pot stickers! Don't wizards eat Chinese food?

Clive Owen: I guess Chinese wizards probably do. And Russian wizards probably eat those pierogies or whatever.

Kate: Right. Okay well, you can help me with the pumpkin bread, just follow the instructions on the box. I've already laid out all the ingredients for you.

Clive Owen: Sounds good. Oh, wait, how do you break an egg without magic?

Kate: You have seriously got to be kidding me. Haven't you done that in Potions?

Clive Owen: Yeah, I was supposed to, but I couldn't figure it out. Can't I just use magic?

Kate: No. You can figure it out. It is very intuitive, don't worry.

Clive Owen: So, how long have you been doing this Muggle baking stuff?

Kate: Well, pretty much since I was a kid. I'm Muggle-born, so naturally I didn't even find out about magic and stuff until I was 11 years old. And by then I had already learned how to cook and make my bed and clean my room without magic, so I just kind of stuck with it.

Clive Owen: But don't you think it is easier to use magic?

Kate: Not really. I feel like sometimes a wand is just one more tool that I have to worry about using properly. To be honest, I'm not a very good witch, and my wandwork is especially bad. I just prefer doing a lot of things the old-fashioned way.

Clive Owen: You're not a bad witch. We had Potions together last year, and Charms, you always did really well.

Kate: I'm not too bad in class, when I'm totally focused and everyone around me is doing the same thing. But when I'm taken by surprise, or really busy with stuff, it seems like too much trouble to use magic. I don't have to think about cooking, it just kind of happens.

Clive Owen: What was it like when you found out you were a witch? What did your parents say?

Kate: Well, they knew something was up with me, because I was always accidentally doing weird stuff like making plants grow really fast, or making my little brother break out in a rash if I was mad at him. But once we got the news, everything made a lot more sense. They were pretty excited, actually. And then a few years later, during Assimilation, they were able to tell all their friends and share the news, so I think that helped a lot.

Clive Owen: Do you live in an Assimilated neighborhood?

Kate: Kind of. We have a couple wizards and witches in our neighborhood, but they had always lived there. We just never knew about them. So it's not Assimilated in the sense that many families have moved there in the last couple years, because no one has moved in or our of my neighborhood for at least a decade, but it's not exclusively magical or Muggle.

Clive Owen: I live in a wizards-only enclave. Muggles can't even see the entrance to our gated community. I haven't met very many Muggles, to be honest. My family is not that crazy about the open lifestyle the wizarding community has embraced as of late.

Kate: Yeah, I kind of gathered that. Well, that's probably because they don't know very many Muggles, like you said. People tend to feel more comfortable sticking to what they know. That's probably why I find magic to be kind of a bother sometimes, because it's not what I was raised to do.

Clive Owen: But you came to Hogwarts University after wizarding high school. Why would you do that unless you wanted a magical career?

Kate: It's really important to my family that I get a degree, and I want to have one as well, just in case my career doesn't pan out the way I want it to. I really want to train horses, and teach horseback riding lessons, for both Muggles and wizards. Working with horses and animals, it's incredibly useful to know magic, but you can't always use it to get results.

Clive Owen: That's even true of magical animals. We hardly ever use our wands in Care of Magical Creatures, and I'm pretty sure the professor at my high school was a Squib.

Kate: What do you want to do? I guess being a senior, it's pretty stressful to even think about.

Clive Owen: Well…not really, to be honest. My dad is Junior Minister, as you know, so it would be really easy for me to get a job at the Ministry. I think I might want to go into Magical Law, and he could set me up with just about anything in that department.

Kate: Oh.

Clive Owen: But hey, maybe after this, I will open up a Muggle bakery. This pumpkin bread is looking pretty damn good.

Kate: Considering the amount of eggshell in it, it does look pretty good.

Clive Owen: Well, you wouldn't show me how to do it! I didn't know what else to do except crush the egg in my hand, and that's when all that shell fell in.

Kate: I'm sure it will taste just fine. Here, our dinner is ready, let's sit. The oven will beep when the bread is done.

(They sit)

END SCENE

Yasi: Working at Merlin's tonight was such a good idea! I met so many cool girls tonight. I think I will make a habit of coming to Merlin's so I can hang out with Misa, Jenna, Laura, and Becca.

Misa: Yasi, I'm gonna give you my Muggle phone number. It will be really nice to have someone calling it besides Sterling Ericson.

Yasi: That is so funny that you know Sterling. He used to live with us before Alex moved in. He is SO weird. He was totally terrified of Flo Rida, it was really funny.

Misa: Okay, but didn't you say he used to bring home tons of girls all the time?

Yasi: Yeah, we never really understood it. To their credit, they very seldom returned.

Jenna: Yasi, you are the first Muggle girl I have hung out with, did you know that? It is pretty cool. Hey, do you watch Muggle TV shows? I am totally obsessed with them.

Yasi: Oh yeah? Which ones? I'm pretty into Grey's Anatomy, 90210, and anything else on the CW. Oh and HBO, I'm totally into True Blood.

Jenna: Dude, me too! Are you totally shitting yourself over that season finale?

Yasi: Totally! Oh man, the worst though was Vampire Diaries. I can't believe they left us on a freaking cliffhanger like that.

Becca: I KNOW RIGHT it's driving me absolutely crazy. I am counting down the days until it comes back on.

Misa: Damon looks kind of like Ian Somerhalder. Whoa, that just made him even hotter. Who knew that was possible? Oh my god, here he comes. Becca, he's with his friend. Yasi, you are about to watch the magic happen.

(Ian Somerhalder and Stefan Salvatore enter)

Yasi: Holy shit Misa, you were not exaggerating!

Misa: Don't I know it.

Ian Somerhalder: Hey there, can I buy you a drink?

Misa: Well, if it isn't Ian Somerhalder. I see you are already trying to get me drunk.

Ian Somerhalder: Yep, that is exactly my intention. I won't lie to you.

Misa: I respect that.

Ian Somerhalder: You wanna come outside with me for a minute?

Misa: Well, let me think…okay. We can do that.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Becca, how's it going?

Becca: I had a lab today where we used phoenix tears, and I took all these notes on their use, and a lot of it was about your dad. It was pretty crazy, after last night.

Stefan Salvatore: No kidding? That is weird. I guess the stars are aligned for you and me.

Yasi (to camera): Oh man, that was a bad line.

Becca: Um, yeah…I think it's just a funny coincidence.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, that was kind of lame. I get a little nervous talking to pretty girls sometimes.

Yasi (to camera): Good lord. Did this guy just memorize Fired Up?

Becca: It's okay Stefan, you can relax. I'm just trying to have a good time tonight. You want a butterbeer?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds perfect. Pacey, we'll have two butterbeers.

Pacey: Coming right up.

Jenna: Oh Pacey, can I get one too?

Pacey: Sure. Oh, hey Jenna! How are you feeling? Sorry I couldn't make it to your vampire movie marathon last night.

Jenna: It's okay man, you didn't miss much except for some stunning digestive acrobatics.

Pacey: Now there's a way to get a guy's attention. Very sexy.

Jenna: Well, that is my only mission in life.

Pacey: Yeah? You got your eye on anyone right now?

Jenna: Maybe. We'll see how it pans out. I'll take some more liquid courage, please.

Pacey: All right, make sure you pace yourself tonight. Don't want to have a repeat of last night or I'll probably have to carry you home.

Jenna: Well, that wouldn't be the end of the world, would it? I'm not very heavy.

Pacey: No. No, it wouldn't.

Yasi (to camera): The poster children for subtlety.

END SCENE

Kate: Well, I gotta say, even with these bits of eggshell, you made some pretty decent pumpkin bread.

Clive Owen: It tastes really good, right? I think the eggshell gives it a little something extra. Maybe it's my secret recipe.

Kate: Maybe. You know, food that you make yourself always tastes better. It's like a sweet little victory every time.

Clive Owen: That makes total sense. At home, we have a cook who makes all our food, and then here we've got the dining hall, so I never really got a chance to learn how to cook. It really makes a difference.

Kate: Yeah, that's probably why we each ate like five pierogies.

Clive Owen: Five? Please. I had seven.

Kate: Crap, are there any left for Jenna?

Clive Owen: Yeah, I left her about one and a half. Sorry, they were so good! I couldn't stop myself. I might have to travel to Russia soon just to have more.

Kate: Well, good thing you have me, so that won't be necessary.

Clive Owen: Good thing.

(Long, tension-filled silence)

Clive Owen: Kate –

Kate: I think I'd better start washing the dishes. Oh sorry, were you going to say something?

Clive Owen: Oh, no, I was just going to say the same thing. You want to wash them by hand or with magic?

Kate: I think I'll do it by hand, the warm water is really relaxing and nice. You can use magic if you want, though.

Clive Owen: No, I'll help you do it without magic. I've never washed dishes before.

Kate: Okay well, this sink is really small, so how about I wash and you can dry them. There's a towel right there.

Clive Owen: Sounds good.

(Dishwashing commences)

Kate: See? Not using magic isn't so bad.

Clive Owen: No, it's really not that different. Oh, um, you have some soap bubbles in your hair.

Kate: Shut up! I'm totally terrified of bubbles. Get them out!

Clive Owen: What? Bubbles?

Kate: I really don't like them on me, or any place they are not supposed to be. Get them out get them out!

Clive Owen: Okay, okay, bubbles are gone. Maybe I should do the washing.

Kate: Yeah, that might be a better idea. Here's the sponge. Oh, wow, your hands are cold.

Clive Owen: Yeah, I have kind of poor circulation. It runs in my family. One of the drawbacks of being purebred is that all those annoying recessive traits don't get bred out.

Kate: That's very Russian royal family of you.

Clive Owen: Actually, you are not too far off. My grandparents are second cousins.

Kate: Holy crap. Do you have webbed feet or anything?

Clive Owen: Every day I count my fingers to make sure I don't have any extras.

Kate: Well, I hope for your sake none of your second cousins are looking to marry you.

Clive Owen: Me too, believe me. It's not that uncommon in pureblood families, which is kind of twisted if you think about it.

Kate: That is totally disgusting. Aren't you all about preserving the bloodlines though?

Clive Owen: I mean, I think we should keep trying to produce magical offspring, but I don't think inbreeding is a good way of achieving that. Actually, studies show that a lot of inbreeding in pureblood families tends to create Squibs, like a birth defect.

Kate: You know, this is all sounding very similar to horse breeding. It's creeping me out a little bit.

Clive Owen: I agree, let's move on to a topic other than inbreeding.

Kate: So, on the subject of normal breeding, does your family have somebody picked out for you? Or do you get to choose your own spouse?

Clive Owen: Yeah, very funny, actually my parents do have someone in mind for me but it's not for real. I can marry whomever I want. They would probably have a shitfit if I didn't marry a pureblood, but I'm not so sure I care about that.

Kate: Who do your parents have in mind for you?

Clive Owen: Quinn Fabray. She's a senior.

Kate: Oh, I know who Quinn Fabray is. Isn't she president of the celibacy club?

Clive Owen: Yeah, that would be the one. She's cute and all, but she's really not my type. Plus I know for a fact she is not a virgin, so the whole celibacy club this is a total façade.

Kate: Wow. The secret lives of pureblood families. This is all very Gossip Girl.

Clive Owen: I don't know what that means, but yeah, it is.

Kate: So…your parents would totally disown you if you dated a girl who wasn't pureblood?

Clive Owen: No, I don't think they would disown me. My dad's sister married a Muggle-born guy, and she didn't get totally disowned. She got written out of the family trust, but she's still invited for Christmas and stuff.

Kate: Right. So you probably would not want to date a Muggle-born girl, then.

Clive Owen: Why? You know any girls that are interested?

Kate: No, I'm just saying. You know, hypothetically.

Clive Owen: Well, hypothetically, I would be open to dating a half-blood or Muggle-born girl. Or a pureblood girl. Hell, maybe even a Muggle girl. Who knows? If any of them can cook like you, I would definitely not be wasting my time.

Kate: I'm really glad we did this together. It was fun.

Clive Owen: Yeah. Me too. We should do it again sometime.

Kate: I would like that.

Clive Owen: It's pretty cool down here, in the dungeons. Feels like we are the only people in the castle.

Kate: Yeah, that's why I like it down here. It feels so removed from everything else, it's like a little vacation.

Clive Owen: Totally. I could see myself just hanging out here to do homework. I didn't even know we had this Muggle kitchen. And these armchairs are awesome.

Kate: Can you keep a secret?

Clive Owen: Yes…

Kate: This is actually the Room of Requirement. I don't think many people know about it, because it's almost always a kitchen for me. This is the first time it's had the couches, though. And this rug. And the candles, actually.

("Sexual Healing" starts playing in the background)

Clive Owen: Whoa. Where did that music come from?

Kate: Um, I don't know. Weird. This room is a little strange sometimes.

Clive Owen: But doesn't it just give you whatever you want?

Kate: Well, I think it gives you whatever you need or really strongly desire, not just like arbitrary wants.

Clive Owen: Huh. Whatever you desire.

Kate: It's a smart room.

Clive Owen: I'll say.

Kate: So…you know how you asked me if I knew any girls who were interested in you?

Clive Owen: Sure.

Kate: Well, as it turns out, I did have someone in mind.

Clive Owen: You've been holding out on me.

Kate: You have no idea.

Clive Owen: Look, Kate…I do like you. I think you are a cool girl. But I know that this room isn't letting me think clearly, and as much as I want to do this, I don't think it's a good idea.

Kate: Oh…okay.

Clive Owen: Yeah…sorry. I guess I should probably go. Thanks for dinner. We really should do it again sometime.

(Clive Owen exits)

Clive Owen: What the hell is wrong with me? God, Clive, you are such an idiot. Now she will probably never talk to me again. Maybe I should just go back in there. Shit. I shouldn't have left. Fuck.

Kate: This is the worst feeling in the entire world. Maybe I will just live down here in the dungeons.

Clive Owen: Well, now I'll definitely never get with her. God, that was a bad move. What's the big deal? I like her, and she likes me. Who cares if she's Muggle born? Didn't I just tell her that I don't care what my parents think?

Kate: He thinks I'm ugly, or fat. He probably is so grossed out by me. I can't believe I ever thought Clive Owen would go for me.

Clive Owen: Shit. Shit. Shit. I don't know what to do.

Kate: I need to get out of here. I'm going to go get in my bed and never come out.

(Kate exits the Room of Requirement)

Clive Owen: Kate, wait –

Kate: No, it's okay. I really just want to be alone right now. You don't need to explain anything to me.

Clive Owen: Kate, please, that was really dumb of me to walk out like that. I'm just kind of overwhelmed right now, I need some time to think. I really like you. I really liked cooking with you, and I don't want you to be mad at me.

Kate: I can't listen to this right now. I'm sorry. Good night.

(Kate exits)

Clive Owen: Well, I am a fucking idiot.

END SCENE