Sorry this is so late, guys; had some Internet woes.
Title: On the Bright Side, There is None
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: Ichigo/Rukia
Rating: PG-13.
Word Count: 637
Summary/Description: Life is not fair, and Ichigo is getting better acquainted with his right hand.
Warning/Spoilers: No spoilers, and it's pretty work-safe. Just… stuff.
A/N: Day 11: Deprivation. Uh, I have nothing to say for this. Except that I was going to write something kinky except that I wasn't in the mood.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, but Ichigo is in a cage under my bed. :D
"Yo, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichigo!"
The orange-haired man winced, and almost dropped the phone, rubbing his fingers across his eyes. He supposed he should have known better than to answer his phone on his wedding night at some ungodly hour – God, it was already two o'clock – because it was just bound to be Keigo with something stupid and/or embarrassing to say.
"So, have you had sexually sexified sex as yet?"
Ichigo scowled, and burned red, wondering why he was only right when he didn't want to be.
"Well? Have you? Was it good? Well, of course it was good, it was Ru-"
"Keigo shut up right now or I will have to kill you," Ichigo snapped, half in alarm, half in flabbergasted anger.
"I understand," his friend said quickly. "But anyway, did you? Are you a MAN yet?"
Who had given him the freaking number for the hotel anyway? Ichigo could only think of one person who would want to bring him such pain, and had the same mindset as Keigo. He was going to castrate his father, or at least the mental equivalent.
"Keigo, I do not know what time it is in Japan, but it is currently two oh nine in Trinidad. That's two oh nine AM. I am going to hang up now."
"Waitwaitwaitwait, but did you?" His friend's voiced was wired and insistent, and Ichigo realised he wasn't going to get rid of him this way. He might as well get over with it; they were all going to find out sooner or later when they got back to Japan; Karakura Town had no understanding of the word 'secret'. Nevertheless, he cringed before opening his mouth to say what he was going to say.
"No," he admitted.
There was a long, pregnant silence.
"…Why not?" Keigo sounded genuinely confused, as if he couldn't think of a reason why one would be on a honeymoon, with a pretty new wife, in the Caribbean, in a nice hotel, and not be doing some cherry-popping.
Ichigo groaned. It was too early in the morning for this.
"Long story short: after we checked into the hotel around midday, Rukia heard that there was a celebration called Phagwah going on in the streets, and she wanted to go watch. It was messy and colourful and she enjoyed it. And then we went out to eat, and she ate too much. We came back to the hotel, and she fell asleep."
Another pause.
"And…?" Keigo tried when Ichigo did not continue.
"And she's still asleep," was the deadpan reply.
"OH," Keigo breathed, and Ichigo's scowl deepened. "I see. Damn."
"Yeah."
"…Are you still-?"
"I took care of it," he said shortly.
"Oh." Keigo paused thoughtfully, then started giggling. "Hey, haha, you had to masturbate on your honeymoon. That is kind of sad."
Ichigo wasn't smiling to begin with; he started not smiling even more.
"Hey, Keigo, if there had been a knife in my back, that would have been you, twisting it deeper and spraying it with salt."
His friend did a poor job of trying to cover up his snort.
"Um, sorry. But anyway, the real reason why I called was to tell you this: remember that babe, Yuiko-chan, that I met for a couple dates?" He didn't wait for confirmation; his voice sparked with excitement. "Well, I finally made it with her and it was-"
"I AM HANGING UP."
Two hours later, Ichigo was awoken again, this time by a pressing matter in his nether regions.
Damn it.
"Uh, Rukia?" He poked his wife of less than twenty-four hours in the shoulder. "Are you…?"
"Lemmealone," was the irritated, groggy reply.
Ichigo's face crumpled, and he ran his fingers through his hair. He gave it a few more half-hearted tries before slipping off the bed and trudging to the bathroom.
Again.
A/N: I kept cringing while I was writing this, because it truly would be horrible if a guy had to jerk off on his wedding night. ;;
And yeah, there probably isn't a phrase for 'sexually sexified sex' in Japanese, but wva, I really wanted Keigo to say it. :D
And yeah, I set it in Trinidad, because I WANTED TO. :P
And if you would like to culturally knowledgify yourself about Phagwah, copy and paste the following link into your browser, and remove the spaces: http://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Holi. (There are some differences in the way Trinidadians celebrate it, I guess, but wva.)