Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.

Warning: "Life in the Balance" is the story of Bella facing the consequences of the way she chose to end the vicious cycle of an abusive relationship. The telling of such a story requires the retelling of the events that led to her choice, many of which contains acts of domestic violence and abuse in all its incarnations. If you are uncomfortable with reading these types of depictions, please do not read the flashbacks as they will tell her story as it happened.

Thanks as always to Loulabelle and AgoodWITCH, my most awesome pre-reader and beta. I love you two so very much. I can't forget all my WC girls for all the encouragement. Ladies, you are the best. Love ya tons.

A/N: I want to say that I am so very sorry for the long delay between chapters. I wanted to get this up before I went on vacation, but I wasn't able to make it happen. Thank for sticking with me even though my updates have been so erratic. Well, enough about that, let's just get on with the story.

Chapter 11 –What Leah Sees

December 29, 2009

Chills ran through me, my head bowed and a sigh escaped me as I told him about the day I handed my life over to James. I was afraid to look him in the eye, afraid to see his anger for not seeing through him, afraid to see his disapproval of my choices and afraid to see sympathy for the consequences. He cleared his throat, I slowly lifted my head but when I looked at him, I didn't see any of those things, what I saw was suspicion.

"Jake didn't know what happened at Thanksgiving, did he?"

The question came out of nowhere and it sounded like he was accusing me of something.

"What brought that up?"

"He would have never let you go if he did."

"Are you kidding? If he would have known, he would have tied me up and threw me in the closet or something."

We both laughed but it didn't last. He put his pen down and leaned on his crossed arms on the table, getting serious again.

"He obviously knew something was going on with the way he tried to tell you at the door not to go. I'm positive that he didn't know what it was yet. He's not one to hide his resentment for James."

"No, he definitely had no trouble at all telling me what he thought of James."

"They all handled things differently." I leaned on the table to match him. "Sam always tried to keep the peace and make me think about my choices, Emily gave me little comments here and there, but never really called me out on things and Leah never said anything. She was always the quiet one and was the only one that encouraged me."

I lowered my head to rest my chin on my hands. He reached out to touch my elbow.

"What is it?"

"I hate what all of this did to Leah. She always felt more responsible than any of them. She told me so many times how obvious it was that James loved me and she always told me to go with my heart, so you can imagine how guilty she felt the first time she saw the bruises."

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Christmas 2005

We fell into a pattern quickly. I got home from work around four-thirty and immediate started cooking our dinner. About an hour later, James was home, cleaned up and dressed and we met in the dining room at exactly five-thirty to eat. We were just like a married couple, sitting and talking about our days, discussing plans for the weekend and the upcoming holiday.

Christmas was coming so, several nights during the week, we went downtown to do some shopping and just stroll through the streets, looking at the lights. On the weekend, he took me out to the annual parade. He brought some chairs, picking a spot right on the curb. He bought me hot chocolate and we wrapped up in a blanket to keep warm. It was a great night, as most of our nights were.

We had only been living together for a week, but in that time our whole world was perfect. I felt like I was living in a fairy tale. I had my Prince Charming and he treated me like his queen, but somewhere in all my happiness something changed.

I met Emily and Leah a few days before Christmas so we could do some shopping for the guys. Being a teacher, I had the time off for the holidays but the girls took a few days off to prepare for the party we were having on Christmas Eve. I must have had too much fun with them because I didn't realize that it was after five o'clock by the time I got home.

I rushed to get dinner on the table but when James walked in and sat down to an empty place setting, he wasn't happy.

"I'm sorry, babe. I was out with the girls and I didn't realize the time. I'll be done in about ten minutes."

He sat and waited without a word and ten minutes later, we were eating. He was quiet all through dinner and when we were done, I began to clean up. I was in front of the sink rinsing the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher when the jerk on my arm caused a plate to fall from my hands. He spun me around and his hands landed on my arms, holding me in place.

He was looking down on me with narrowed eyes, but no other expression on his face. The looked freaked me out a bit because I hadn't seen him look like this before. He gave me a little smirk, but it was more of a twist of his lips than a smile.

"What time is dinner supposed to be on the table, Bella?"

His voice was a whispered growl. His grip on my arms tightened.

"What are you doing?"

I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let go. His eyes narrowed a bit more.

"What time, Bella?"

He hovered over me and I shrunk back from him a little. He gripped my arms even tighter and I could feel every finger press into my skin.

"Ow James, that hurts."

"Do I have to ask again?"

He was now speaking through clenched teeth and his face changed with his anger. I'd seen him angry but this wasn't like that. This was a side of him I had never seen before.

"James please, I said I was sorry for being late."

He shook me twice, hitting my back against the sink and making my hair fall into my face so I had to look at him through the pieces. His hands were so tight on my arms now that I was starting to lose feeling.

"Ow, five-thirty."I felt the tears in my eyes."God, James, I said I'm sorry."

One more jerk on my body, causing me to hit the sink again. "Don't make me wait again."

He lifted one hand to move my hair, kissed my forehead and let me go. My body was frozen in place as I watched him leave me standing alone in the kitchen, wondering what in the hell just happened.

I reached up to smooth out my hair and wipe away the tears that had continued to fall. It wasn't until I grabbed the plate that had fallen that I realized how badly my hands were shaking. I was trying to finish the last few dishes when James called me. This time it was a glass that fell from my hands when I jumped.

"Bella, can you please bring me a beer?"

My head turned in the direction of his voice. I stared at the empty doorway for a few seconds before dropping my eyes to the half full sink in front of me. I couldn't move as I tried to put the events of the past ten minutes together in my head. I didn't understand him. Maybe he just had a bad day or something, because the voice calling me now was the same sweet voice I was used to hearing.

"Babe," I jumped as his hands touched my shoulders. "Did you hear…?"

He stopped speaking mid-sentence and his arms wrapped around me.

"God, Bella, you're shaking. Are you okay?"

He turned me to face him and his arms went around me again. He was running his fingers through my hair, whispering in my ear.

"Please babe, tell me what's wrong."

"I…you…" I couldn't even form a sentence; I was so confused.

"It's okay, babe. Here sit down for a minute." He guided me to the chair and helped me sit. "You had a long day with the girls, didn't you?" He gave me his winning smile. "You sit, I'll finish these and then we can sit and relax together. What do you say?"

He kissed the tip of my nose and went to the sink to finish the dishes. The soreness in my arms was proof that I didn't imagine the whole thing, but he was acting like he would on any normal day. I watched his back as he moved from the sink to the dishwasher and back again, whistling Mozart while he worked.

When he leaned over to close the dishwasher he caught me staring. The smile he gave me now was the one I fell in love with and I couldn't stop myself from going to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and reaching up to kiss his cheek.

"What was that for?" He chuckled as his arms wrapped around me. His blue eyes lit up as he looked at me.

"Couldn't help myself. You look so cute doing dishes."

"And you're beautiful every minute of the day."

He dipped his head down and touched his lips to my neck. His soft kiss caused goose bumps to cover my entire body. My knees began to give way as his lips trailed their way up my neck, stopping at the sensitive spot behind my ear. Chills ran down my back as each breath left his mouth, tickling the back of my neck. He pulled my earlobe between his teeth then closed his lips around it. I felt like my body caught fire and I almost collapsed in his arms as his whispered words left his mouth.

"Mmm I think it's time for bed, babe."

I just nodded as his kisses trailed my jaw to my lips. One soft touch was all he gave me before backing away to stare down at me with the look that always made me melt.

"I want you now, Bella."

With those last words, his lips crashed into mine, my legs were swept out from under me and he carried me to the bedroom.

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Christmas Eve

"I have something for you."

I turned away from the mirror to see James standing behind me with a gold wrapped present.

"That's for tomorrow."

"Christmas is only a few hours away and there's no rule that says you can't open presents early." He winked at me. "Besides, you could open ten things tonight and still have a mountain of gifts for tomorrow."

His sad face had me rolling my eyes, but it was the pouted lip that had me laughing and agreeing to open his gift.

"Fine…give it to me."

I sat down on the bed and he was bouncing right next to me like an excited little kid. His playful attitude had me in tears from laughing so hard. He had always been so refined and proper, so seeing this side of him was a very welcomed change.

I pulled the satin ribbon that held the box closed, folded it and placed it on the bed beside me. I slid the top of the box up and set it next to the ribbon, then slowly peeled away the tissue paper covering the contents of the box. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him in complete surprise.

"Do you like it?" His expression was hopeful.

"How did you know?"

"I'll never tell." He teased with a smirk.

I pulled the pearl white cashmere sweater out of the box, holding it up to my chest. I had seen this sweater the day I went shopping with the girls and, at the time, I would have given anything to buy it, but I knew it was something I could never afford.

"Well, put it on." He was bouncing on the bed again, waiting for me to try it on.

I took off the sweater I had chosen to wear to the party and slipped into the softest fabric I had ever felt against my skin. I scanned my reflection with a smile. The rounded neckline exposed just enough that I was comfortable, the elbow-length sleeves were the perfect length so I wasn't pushing them up all night and the bottom fell just a few inches past the waistline of my pants. He couldn't have chosen anything better for me.

"It's perfect."

I spun around and tackled him on the bed, giving him quick kisses with 'thank yous' between each one. He rolled me over so he was laying half on top of me. His hand slid under the sweater, resting it on my stomach while he stared at me with love in his eyes.

"I'm glad you like it."

"I do…so much."

He leaned in for a quick kiss, but pulled away with a small look of regret.

"Ahh, I wish I could keep you here all night but if we don't leave soon, we're going to be late." He pushed himself off the bed, holding his hand out to me. "Come on, babe. Your friends are waiting."

Forty-five minutes later, we were standing outside my old house, waiting for someone to answer the door. James had me securely wrapped in his arms, trying to keep me warm. I looked up to him with a smile and he leaned over to kiss me.

"I love you," I said as he pulled away.

"I know." He winked.

"Think you're funny, huh?"

"Absolutely."

He was about to kiss me again, but the scream at the front door stopped us. Emily threw the screen door open, launching herself at me. If James hadn't let go of me at that exact minute, he would have probably been pushed aside in her excitement to see me.

"Em, you act like you haven't seen me in years. We were just together a couple of days ago."

She pulled back and I saw the tears in her eyes. "I know. I just miss you, Bella. It's not the same here without you." She pointed her finger at James. "You need to bring her around more often."

He held up his hands in surrender, looking surprised. "Okay…okay."

Sam was at the door next. "You better get in here, man, and leave these girls to their business or someone's gonna get hurt."

James stepped around us and shook Sam's hand as he walked into the house. Leah rushed us then and our group hug just made the guys laugh.

"Alright break it up." I pulled away immediately at the sound of Jake's voice. "My turn."

Jake caught me as I jumped at him, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground. His face was nuzzled into my shoulder and he whispered, "God, I missed you, sis."

My arms were around his neck, holding him tight. "I missed you too, Jake. I hate not seeing you every day."

He pulled back when he heard my breath hitch a little. When he set me on my feet again, we were in the living room. I was so caught up in seeing him after a long two weeks that I didn't notice him carry me inside. He lifted his hand and wiped his thumb across my cheek.

"Why the tears, Bella?"

I tried to look away but he put his hand under my chin to keep my focus on him.

"Things are okay?" I nodded. "You are happy, right? I'll move you back home in a minute if…"

"No Jake, things are…fine." I took steadying breath.

He just looked at me with suspicious eyes, not really believing what I was telling him. Before he could question me any further, though, Emily stepped in.

"Here Bella, give me your coat and I'll put it away."

I took my coat off and she saw my sweater.

"Bella isn't that…" Leah asked.

I nodded.

"I thought you weren't going to get it. It was so expensive."

I turned to James and smiled, proud that he loved me enough to give me exactly what I wanted without asking.

"You got this?" Emily asked and James nodded. "But how did you know? We just saw this sweater the other day."

All eyes were on James now and he just smirked. "I have my ways."

Emily shook her head, mumbling, "Men," as she left the room.

"Boys, keep James company." Leah grabbed my hand and pulled. "We're going to finish dinner."

We walked hand in hand to the kitchen. I was so happy to be here with my girls. It was comfortable and I fell back into my old self again in no time. Leah, Emily and I worked like a team in the kitchen again, laughing and talking about old times and past holidays together. I missed being with them, but this was the way things had to be if I wanted to be with James.

Sam called Emily into the other room just as she was about to take the food from the oven. She threw me the potholders before she walked out and I stepped to the oven, bent over and reached in to pull the ham out. I took a slight step back to lift it to the stovetop, but almost dropped it when I heard Leah gasp from behind me. Her hand was on my back, lifting my sweater. I jumped and turned around, pressing my back against the refrigerator.

"What the hell is that, Bella?" Leah looked shocked.

"What's what?" I asked. I tried to act like there was nothing wrong, but I knew she saw the long bruise across my lower back.

"Don't play with me, B. What's that on your back?"

She grabbed my wrist to turn me around but when I wouldn't budge, she grabbed my bicep with her other hand and pulled. I cringed from the pain, as her hand landed in the same spot James had held me two nights ago.

"Ow, ow, ow stop." My strangled voice gave me away.

Leah dropped her hands like she'd been burned. She got control of herself and her hands were on my arm again, but softer this time as she pushed my sleeve up a little to reveal the deep purple bruises underneath.

"Oh my God." She shook her head as her fingers lightly traced the purple lines left by James' fingers. Tears filled her eyes now as she looked at me.

I panicked and hurried to explain. "It was an accident, Le. Really, it was nothing."

"How can you call this nothing?"

Her words were loud and I covered her mouth to keep her quiet. I couldn't let the guys hear her.

"Keep your voice down."

She jerked away from my hand. "No!"

I covered her mouth again and begged. "Please Le, I swear it was an accident. Please don't make a big deal out of this. Let it go, please."

We both jumped as Jake came walking into the kitchen.

"Damn, I'm starving. Le, when is…" He stopped in his tracks as he took in our strange position. "What are you doing?"

I silently begged this time for her to drop this. Her eyes closed and I discreetly wiped the one tear that fell as I released her mouth. She didn't look at him as she spoke.

"Just girl talk, honey. Dinner will be done in a few minutes."

Her words were strained and I knew Jacob would know something was up because Leah never called him 'honey', but as trusting as he was, he would never question Leah's word. He left and Leah turned her back on me to finish getting everything together for dinner.

She and I didn't speak another word to each again that night. She stayed close Jacob for a while, never really looking anywhere except the floor in front of her and I could see how much it was hurting her to sit here. When she finally pretended to be sick and left the room to lie down, my heart broke because it was my fault. I did this to her. I begged her not to tell and now she had to lie and keep a secret from everyone she loved.

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I tried to sit back but he wouldn't let go of my hand. His eyes held mine with a look I didn't recognize.

"I know that was one of the hardest times for her but..."

"She hated me for everything that happened. Who wouldn't?" I ripped my hand from his and moved from the table to the corner of the room. I leaned in, resting my head on the cold wall with my arms wrapped around my chest.

"Bella, she…"

"No really, it's true. Because of me, she had to lie to everyone, her cousin got hurt, her boyfriend got hurt and she lost her chance at having a family." I turned, not surprised to find him right behind me. "Who wouldn't hate me for that?"

I sank further into the corner with my head back, my hands gripping my hair, trying to release the tension in my head. I felt the warmth of his hands as they touched mine.

"Bella, let go…please," he whispered, as he tried to loosen my fingers.

My body slumped when the pain took over. My hands fell to my knees for support as the tears fell from my eyes to the floor. The guilt had eaten away at me for years and now that I allowed myself to remember all of it, I couldn't take it. My eyes shut tight and I shook my head, but it failed to stop the images of everything Leah went through from forcing themselves into my mind.

Leah's pained glances as she saw more bruises and eventually, broken bones.

Leah's tear-stained face as she cried over Emily.

Leah's complete breakdown as they took Jacob away.

He was kneeling in front of me with one hand on my shoulder."Bella, I need you to listen to me, please."

I refused to look at him, but I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Why should I? She hated me for what I did to her family."

"No, Bella, she doesn't hate you. I know you blame yourself, but you didn't do those things. You may have never been able to prove it, but you know he's the one to blame for all of this, not you."

"I know she blamed me. So much so that by the time I left, she couldn't even look me in the eye or even stand to be around me." I remembered Leah always leaving the room whenever I walked in.

"She felt like she let you down."

"I made her lie." My chest hurt as my breathing sped up. "She hated to lie and I made her do it."

"She didn't want to make things worse for you."

"I took away the family she dreamed of."

"Bella, she's happy. She and Jake have made a great life together."

I opened my eyes to him and his look of sympathy stabbed me in the heart. How could he dismiss everything that happened because of my fucked up choices? How could he still look at me like I was the victim, when I left them to clean up my mess? Why couldn't he see me for what I really was? I was a coward who abandoned everyone when things got tough.

"Don't give me that fucking look! I don't deserve it!"

I pushed him. He didn't move.

"I don't need your fucking pity!"

I kicked him. He flinched, but didn't move.

"Get the hell away from me!"

I punched him. He caught my wrist.

"People get hurt around me, don't you get that!"

I punched him again. He caught my other wrist.

"Just leave before it's too late."

I struggled. He wouldn't let go.

"Don't let me ruin your life."

He pulled me to his chest. I broke down.

It could have been a minute; it could have been an hour, I honestly didn't know. When the tears finally stopped and my mind let the world back in, I found myself sitting in his lap and I felt his head resting on top of mine, his hand running through my hair and the movement as he rocked me back and forth. I heard his voice softly whispering 'it's okay' and 'I'm here' over and over again, trying to soothe me.

"Why can't you just hate me like everyone else?" I whispered.

Poor Bella just doesn't get it. This man could never hate her. She'll figure things out soon enough. Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave me a little love. It makes my day to hear what you're thinking. Next chapter will reveal a couple of secrets and I promise I'll send out a teaser with my reply so you know what good things are coming next.

Also, I don't have any story recs to leave you with this time since I've had no time to read anything. But I promise to be back with more with the next chapter. So, until next time…much love to you all - D