Hey all!

So I was overwhelmed with reviews after posting my last chapter (mostly from a new reader, jsaba. Thanks for all the support!). I'm so glad you're all enjoying it, even if I'm kind of putting Zuko through absolute hell.

Don't worry, I won't torture him forever.

Enjoy Chapter 11!

Aang sat in the infirmary at Zuko's bedside. It had been three days since the banquet. When Zenji came back, carrying an unconscious Zuko over her shoulders, Aang had feared the worst. However, after Piao looked over him, he assured the others that besides the awful, self-inflicted burn on his hand, Zuko was only suffering from exhaustion. And dehydration. And mild malnutrition. Given his mental state, Piao decided to keep Zuko in a medical coma for a little while to help him recover physically without trying to deal with the severe mental stress.

This morning, Piao had taken Zuko off the medications, saying that he would probably wake up within the next few hours. Aang opted to stay by Zuko's bedside so that he wouldn't be alone when he regained consciousness. Piao had left the infirmary in the meantime, instructing Aang to call him when Zuko woke up.

Aang sat on the stool, eyes tracing the outline of Zuko's body. Before all of this… madness started, Zuko had been skinny, but muscular due to their style of living and Zuko's regularly workouts. But when they changed unconscious Zuko out of his singed and dirty clothes, Aang saw that he had lost a significant amount of his muscle. He wasn't skin and bones or anything immediately worrying. But he was definitely thinner than before.

At the moment, Zuko seemed peaceful. Aang knew that would all change once he regained consciousness. In a way, it made him wish Zuko could stay like this. Of course, that was a ridiculous notion. What kind of life would that be? To be unconscious all the time, completely absent from the world. One would might as well be dead.

Aang was gripping Zuko's arm compulsively, careful of his bandaged hand. Piao said that the burn wasn't too bad. It would take a couple weeks or so to heal, and it would scar, but Zuko's movement and sensation of touch shouldn't be impaired. This was good news. With their fears about Zuko's physical health assuaged, they could worry about his mental health.

Which was much, much worse.

When Zenji had handed him over to the healers, she wouldn't speak to anyone. She had just sat on a chair with her face buried in her hands. After incessant prodding from both Anil and Aang, she eventually told them what happened. She told them the state she found Zuko and the things he had said.

It was almost as if all the progress he had made in the last five years had suddenly been undone. In fact, it was almost as if Zuko was even worse than before. Aang didn't know how that could be possible, but it seemed to be the case.

That was when Anil told them about his conversation with Gyatso and the deal they had made.

Zenji had narrowed her eyes at Anil after he was done. "How long have you suspected that his refusal to bend would cause problems?"

"I mean, I always suspected that it wasn't healthy for him. That's why I tried to convince him to bend anyway, even if just a little bit. I just had no idea that it would be this... bad."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Zenji growled. "We could have worked together to convince Zuko. Why would you hide something like that?!"

Anil had been taken aback by Zenji's anger. "I wasn't hiding it from you. It was just a theory I had. I never saw a reason to bring it up with anyone but Zuko. It's his bending, after all."

"We don't keep secrets in this family!" Zenji shouted. "Especially when it has to do with someone's welfare! I would have told you if I thought Aang was doing something self-destructive!"

"You think I had any idea this would happen!?" Anil shouted back. "It's not like I just stood there, knowing Zuko was going to have a complete mental breakdown and decided to hide it from you!"

"Then why would you keep your theory about Zuko's bending a secret?!"

"It wasn't a secret! Stop trying to place the blame for all of this on me!"

"I'm not! I'm placing the blame on both of us! We were supposed to take care of him, to make sure he was happy and safe, and we failed spectacularly!"

Zenji had stormed off, saying she needed some time to herself. Aang, disturbed by the argument, had looked up at his father and noticed that he was shaking. Then Anil had followed Zenji out of the infirmary, leaving his son behind to look after Zuko.

They had both checked in regularly in the last couple of days, but neither of them stayed for long. Aang supposed it was difficult for them to see Zuko and think that their failings were the reason he was in this state.

Aang, on the other hand, felt obligated to stay by Zuko's side as much as possible. He felt he couldn't leave Zuko alone. Even if he was unconscious and not even aware of Aang's presence, Aang still felt it was wrong to leave Zuko alone in this stark and empty room.

He kept his hand on Zuko's arm and gently stroked it, as if it might help calm the furious storm that was taking place in Zuko's mind. His forearms were not nearly as scarred as other parts of his body, but they were still there. When Aang's fingers hit a bump or divot, he unconsciously traced the line of the scar up and down Zuko's arm.

"You can't hurt yourself anymore," Aang suddenly said. He was speaking to Zuko, of course. He didn't even care if Zuko couldn't hear him. This needed to be said. "You've already been hurt so badly… why would you want to add to that pain?"

His finger followed another scar up Zuko's arm. "Zenji said that you burned your hand because you're a firebender. That you're afraid of hurting us with your firebending... I'm not quite sure why you're suddenly thinking like this, after all these years. Though Dad says it has something to do with your built up chi or something…"

Aang leaned over and rested his head on Zuko's stomach, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. "I don't know what to do anymore," he said. "I wish you would talk to me. At least, talk to me about your problems. You've always encouraged me to talk when I'm feeling down, whether it's about my dad, my bending, or anything else… why can't the same apply to you?"

Aang could feel tears starting to form, so he sat up to wipe them away. "You're my best friend. Realistically, you're the only friend I've ever had, but even still... You always listened to me, played games with me. Later, when I wasn't so much of a child, we trained together and you always encouraged me to experiment with different forms. And you never got mad or annoyed with me unless I deserved it."

Aang laid his head back down, his hand still on Zuko's wrist, his other resting on Zuko's leg. He was still crying, but for now, he just wanted to feel the firebender's warmth and feel his breath. Feel that he was alive.

"I love you," he said softly. "I just wish you could love yourself."

Zuko felt like he was being dragged through a river of mud. His body felt leaden, and he was finding it difficult to move. His body almost felt numb.

As he crawled closer to consciousness, he became aware of a heavy weight on his stomach and something warm wrapped around his left arm. He tried to move so he could shove the oppressive object off of him, but his limbs didn't seem to want to listen to him.

When he finally opened his eyes, his vision was blurry at first. He was hardly able to make out more than the gray-brown of the stone and rock around him. After blinking a few times, his eyes began to focus, and he looked down to see what was laying on him.

It was Aang, and he appeared to be asleep. His head was turned so he was facing Zuko, his brown hair flopped messily over his closed eyes. His face was half pressed against Zuko's stomach, his scar hidden from view.

Zuko looked down further and saw that Aang was holding onto his forearm. His hand was hidden under the airbender's hunched body, but he could feel the bandages wrapped around it. He was mildly surprised to find that there was no pain. Though, considering how foggy his head felt, he was pretty sure they had him on some sort of pain medication.

Right… Zuko thought to himself. I tried to burn my hands. I can't bend if my hands are ruined, right? He closed his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. Of course, that had been a stupid idea on his part, not only because that wasn't strictly true, but because he only would have made himself more of a burden if he had succeeded. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I only managed to burn one of them.

"You're pathetic."

Zuko languidly turned his head to his right, unsurprised by Fong's sudden presence.

"Even when you do firebend, you can't do it right."

Zuko slowly pulled his arm out from under Aang, taking care not to wake him. Thankfully, the airbender's listless fingers eased the extraction. Once he was free, he looked at the bandaging. He could feel that each individual finger was wrapped, but his entire hand was also wrapped into a single form, probably to restrict his movement. He honestly couldn't remember how badly he had hurt his hand. He remembered the pain, but he couldn't remember what his hand had looked like after the deed.

"Do you remember when we caught you touching yourself?" Fong asked fondly. "We broke all your finger for the disgusting act." He sighed in memory. "You begged and screamed… it was so satisfying. I don't know which was better: breaking your fingers, or having to break them back."

Zuko's fingers twitched in memory, but he made no other response. He placed his hand back down at looked at Aang. His skin dark from travel, his defined features, his soft hair… Zuko reached up with his good hand, brushing Aang's wayward bangs away from his face.

"Tell me… do you touch yourself while thinking of him?"

Zuko flinched his hand back. He curled it into a fist and held it to his chest, staring at the ceiling. I hate myself, I hate myself…

Fong laughed. "You're a naive fool if you think he's going to have any affection for you. After what you did... because of what you are..."

Fong was right. Not that Zuko wanted to admit it. Not even to himself. But he was a firebender. He was Fire Nation. There was no denying either fact.

Before, Zuko had always held some amount of hope that Aang might return his affections. Not because he genuinely liked Zuko, but because there was simply no one else around. After five years of being alone and on the run, it didn't seem to be that far-fetched of an idea. He always hated himself for even thinking in such a way. It was the height of selfishness. What a terrible reason to be with someone: just because there was no other option. But he still couldn't help but have a small modicum of hope.

Now they were once again among other people. Other airbenders. Airbenders whom Aang seemed to enjoy hanging out with. None of them had been born of a family or nation of war mongers. None of them were scarred and ugly like he was. They were even his own kind. Compared to them, why would anyone want him?

"You're awake."

Aang had lifted his head slightly off of Zuko's stomach, blinking blearily at the firebender. Zuko heart stopped, the desire to just… kiss the airbender suddenly overwhelming. Of course, he didn't deserve the small amount of happiness the action would bring him. And he would completely deserve the rejection that would follow. Quickly looking away, Zuko muttered, "Sorry I woke you."

"You didn't wake me." Aang sat up and looked at Zuko's hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"Don't lie to me. You're anything but fine."

Zuko glanced at Aang, noting the slight edge of annoyance in his expression. He looked away again. You're really not capable of doing anything right. "I'm tired," he eventually responded.

"How's your hand?"

"It's fin-… it doesn't hurt."

Aang gave a small nod. "That's good. Piao says your hand should make a full recovery, but it'll take a few weeks."

Fong let out a bark of laughter. "You couldn't even burn yourself right! Spirits, you're useless!"

Zuko flexed his hand, sharp stabs of pain shooting up his arm. He was trying to ignore Fong, not wanting Aang to know what he was seeing. Or to give credence to what Zuko hoped was a hallucination. However, he couldn't help but internalize everything the Earth Kingdom captain was saying.

You're a failure, his father's voice echoed in his head.

When Zuko didn't respond to Aang statement about his hand, Aang let out a small sigh. "I'm going to get Piao. He wanted to check up on you once you woke up." Aang stood up and made to leave. "Also, Dad wants to talk to you about something."

Aang left and didn't notice Zuko's body stiffening or his face paling.

Stay away from me and my family.

Shivering, Zuko wrapped his good arm around his middle, missing Aang's proximity. He knew that Anil must be furious with him. He had every right to forbid Zuko from coming anywhere near his family or the enclave. In all honestly, it would probably be better for everyone if Zuko was forced to leave. He was too dangerous to be kept around. He couldn't control his firebending. He couldn't control any of his fighting. He already destroyed a dummy with his blades and their room with his bending. It was only a matter of time before he accidentally hurt someone.

Really, he should just kill himself. He had been contemplating it for years, and it was finally coming to a point where it was no longer just his personal desire. Now it was a matter of everyone's safety.

With a self-deprecating groan, he closed his eyes and laid his arm over them. And once again, they were back to the fact that he was a fucking coward who couldn't even finish the job on his own hand. He would probably just fuck up his own suicide as well. Knowing his luck, he would probably end up hurting someone else in the process.

He really did hate himself.

That's when Piao came in. "Aang will be back in a moment. He's just retrieving his father and Zenji."

Zuko slowly lowered his arm to look at the healer. He merely grunted in response.

Piao put on a pair of spectacles, then sat where Aang had been previously. "Are you dizzy?"

Zuko frowned slightly. "No."

"Any headache?"

"No."

Piao pointed to Zuko's wrist. "May I?"

Zuko's frowned deepened before he gave a small nod.

Piao gently grasped Zuko's arm, placing two fingers on his inner wrist. After a moment, he gave a single nod. "Everything seems good." He turned to Zuko. "In the future, make sure you're drinking enough water. Also, try and eat three meals a day. We've been intravenously hydrating you and giving nutrients. However, nothing is as good as actually drinking water or eating solid meals."

Zuko simply nodded, having no other response.

Aang returned with Anil and Zenji soon after. Upon seeing him, Anil froze. Zuko was conscious. And when Zuko saw him, he began to tremble slightly. He was cautiously observing Anil as though he expected the man to start reprimanding him.

Or beating him.

Anil's heart clenched. All he wanted to do was to run up to Zuko and hold him tightly, reassure him that everything was going to be alright. However, considering both his physical and mental health, Anil opted for a small encouraging smile. "I'm glad to see you're awake," he said.

Zuko just shrugged and looked away.

"He seems to be mostly recovered from his fatigue and dehydration," Piao said. "I've instructed him to eat and drink regularly. I'll need to change the bandage on his hand daily for the next couple of weeks, but otherwise, Zuko is fit to leave."

Anil nodded numbly. "Thank you, Piao."

With a sad smile, Piao bowed and exited the infirmary, giving the family some much needed time and space alone.

Anil walked up to Zuko's bedside. Zenji and Aang stayed back, probably realizing that all of them standing there might overwhelm him. When Anil placed a hand on Zuko's shoulder, he flinched slightly. "Listen, we need to talk about something." When Zuko's eyes widened, Anil clarified. "You're not in any trouble. But there is something we need to address."

Zuko took a deep breath before looking up to meet Anil's gaze, his eyes filled with trepidation. "I firebent," he said quietly.

Anil nodded. "Which isn't bad," he said. "There's nothing wrong with the act of firebending itself."

"I… burnt all of your things," Zuko replied sullenly.

Anil noted that Zuko said 'your things' as opposed to 'our things'. "It's okay. I know it was an accident. Besides, that doesn't mean firebending is wrong. Acts committed with bending don't determine the worth of the bending."

Zuko's eyes flickered to Aang before coming back to meet Anil's. He crossed his arms, tucking his good hand underneath his arm. "I p-promise it w-w-won't happen again."

Anil sighed. "Well, that's just the thing Zuko. You can't keep yourself from bending."

His breathing quickening, Zuko started to shake his head. "I-I can! I'll try harder!"

"Zuko," Anil sat down on the edge of the bed, placing both hands on Zuko's shoulders. "I'm not questioning your ability. Do you remember what we talked about a week ago? About how your refusal to bend could affect you?"

Zuko's started to shake harder. He just stared at Anil, panicked and scared. Feeling evermore wretched, Anil rubbed his hands up and down Zuko's arms, trying to get him to calm down. "Shh… it's okay." Even just a week ago, Zuko had been relatively fine. He had been emotionally shaky, but still contained his underlying, fiery determination. How could he have deteriorated so fast?

How could he have deteriorated so fast without Anil noticing?

"I… I remember," Zuko eventually said. Then, a moment later, he asked apprehensively, "Am… am I going mad?"

Anil thought back to Zenji's recount of the state she found Zuko in. He didn't want to make Zuko panic, but he also didn't want to hide the severity of the situation. "Gyatso and I believe that your refusal to bend has created a… a backup of energy, so to speak. That, mixed with…"

...your past.

Anil bit his lip. He didn't want to put too much pressure on the young man, especially given his current state. However, if Zuko kept avoiding his problems, Anil feared he would become so lost he'd never find his way back. And if that happened… Anil wouldn't know what he would do. It was killing him to have to watch Zuko suffer and try to face his demons on his own. If he ended up losing that battle...

"Yes," Anil finally said, his voice strained. "You're going mad."

Zuko didn't react to the statement immediately. He simply blinked sluggishly, still trembling under Anil's hands. Then, he slowly lowered his head and buried his face into his hands. When his trembling increased and his breathing became erratic, Anil realized he was crying. Tenderly placing a hand on his head, Anil said, "I know it's scary, but we're - "

"Thank goodness."

Startled, Anil leaned forward a little, certain he had misheard him. "Zuko?"

Zuko lowered his hands and looked up. Tears were running down his face, but he was smiling. Not the mad or demented smile that Zenji had described earlier. This was a smile of sheer relief.

He let out a small nervous laugh. "It's not real..." he said. "E-Everything that I've been seeing… It's not real."

Anil's eyes widened. Zuko has been... hallucinating?

And that's when he realized: burning all of their things hadn't just been Zuko losing control. He had probably been trying to defend himself against something only he could see. Considering his past refusal to bend in even the most dire of situations… Anil couldn't imagine what kind of nightmarish horrors Zuko had been living through to push him to that point.

Anil grabbed both sides of Zuko's face, making sure that Zuko was hearing what he was about to say. "I'm real. Aang is real. Zenji is real. Do you hear me? We're real, we're here, and we're staying."

Zuko's eyes narrowed as his weeping only increased. Eventually, he nodded his head. Then, without prompt, he wrapped his arms around Anil's neck.

Anil stiffened in surprise. Never before had Zuko initiated a hug. He had always been too scared or too prideful to do so. Anil wrapped his arms Zuko's body and held him as tightly as he could as the boy began to sob into his shoulder. "It's going to be okay," he said softly. "We'll figure this out."

There was movement in Anil's periphery, and when he looked up, he saw Zenji standing next to them. Her eyes were filled with tears, mirroring his own face. She placed a hand on Zuko's shoulder, and when the firebender tentatively looked up, she said with her voice thick with emotion, "Anil's not just blowing hot air. We're all here for you."

Aang stood behind Zenji. He had his arms crossed across his chest, watching Zuko with concern. But when Zuko's gaze shifted from Zenji to him, he smiled and give him a small nod.

It wouldn't be easy. The effects of years of trauma and denial couldn't be erased by a simple group hug and few words of encouragement.

But every road has its first step.

And for now, that was enough.

No cliffhanger this time :D

Review and let me know what you guys think!