Chapter title: A way out

"Maeloth!"

She flung her eyes open to find Belegorn nudging her and calling her name, his tone not urgent but – surprisingly - annoyed.

She blinked at the strong sunlight that filled the room and looked around apprehensively. She deduced it must have been some time around noon; she had definitely overslept. "What's wrong?", she mumbled groggily as she sat up.

Belegorn stopped nudging her but, absurdly enough, he did not seem pleased with her waking up, either. He huffed loudly and said: "There's someone asking for you".

"What? Who?", she asked, rubbing her eyes as she tried to give him a proper look.

Belegorn look nothing like he had been the previous night. All calmness and sweetness was gone from his face; now he had the expression of a man who was forced to swallow something disgusting. "Morfindir", he gritted out, finally.

In hearing her captain's name, Maeloth snapped awake at once. She threw the covers off her and sprang up, asking all the while: "What? Where is he? Has he been waiting for long?"

Belegorn didn't answer immediately, so she just ran around looking for clothes. "He's waiting outside", he said after a while and then huffed again. "He told me to wake you. Said it's urgent".

"Urgent?", she repeated, alarmed, as she tried frantically to tie the lacing of a tunic. She turned to Belegorn and saw him standing quite still next to her bed. His lips were pressed in a tight line and his brows were furrowed, making his eyes drown in shadows. She knew that look, but she couldn't tell why he was so irritated.

"Can you help me out a bit?", she pleaded, fumbling desperately with the laces.

He didn't move, he just stared at her coldly. "I can tell him to wait. Or go", he suggested slowly.

"No! No, just…" She let out an exasperated grunt and left her lacing half-done.

She ran towards the door of their room. Mid-way she changed her mind, turned around and ran to the mirror to check her reflection. She winced in seeing her hair, but ultimately decided that she didn't look too bad. She ran back to the door, trying to brush a few locks with her fingers; an annoyed snort came from somewhere behind her.

She turned the doorknob and came eye to eye with Morfindir: velvety black gaze, white skin, long black hair loose and reaching almost to his waist."Good morning, captain", she breathed.

Morfindir gave her a small smile when he saw her. For a second he took in her disheveled image and then he said: "Good morning, Maeloth. I am sorry to wake you up".

"It doesn't matter. Is there something wrong? "

The smile faded from his lips and her heart sunk. In her excitement she had forgotten that he was bound to come and talk to her about the battle of the previous day; the solemn look that appeared on his face reminded her that.

Sure enough, he said: "I need to speak to you. May I come in, please? It's rather important". For all his politeness there was the edge of an order in his voice. "If your brother is fine with it, too, of course", he added hastily.

'Um…", she hesitated, feeling an uncomfortable clench at her stomach at what was about to follow.

She looked back over her shoulder to the inside of the room. Belegorn had moved from his previous spot: he was now sitting with his back against the window frame, arms crossed and looking intently at some spot above the fireplace. She tried to ignore this. She did not know what was wrong with him, but she would deal with it later. She checked around with her gaze: her bed was undone and a few clothes were scattered around but, overall, the room was presentable. "Sure, come in", she said half-heartedly, moving to the side to let Morfindir in. "You will have to excuse me for the mess", she added apologetically.

"Don't think about it", he said kindly as Maeloth closed the door behind him. He walked in the room and bowed his head to Belegorn. "Hello, once more, Belegorn", he greeted him, his tone somewhat cautious. Belegorn, quite rudely, did not greet him back; he just glanced at him and looked away immediately.

Maeloth glared at her brother but he missed her look, as he had fixed his eyes to the wall again.

"Please sit, captain", she said to Morfindir, offering him a chair and trying her best to hide her discomfort. "Would you like something to drink? We don't have much to offer, but-"

"No, thank you, I am fine". He smiled in a way that made her heart flutter despite her anxiousness. "Join me, please", he said, indicating an empty chair.

She sat at the other side of the small round table, opposite him. She faced him, hoping that the look on her face would look more like polite curiosity than anticipation of a painful blow.

Morfindir sighed tiredly and started off by saying: "I am sorry to disrupt your rest, but I couldn't wait for you to come to training. I wanted to speak to you in private". He paused and glanced over to Belegorn, indicating that his presence there contradicted his wish for privacy. However, he said: "If your esteemed brother wishes to stay, he is, of course, welcome to. I feel that he will want to have a say in what I'm about to propose".

"Propose?", Maeloth repeated questioningly.

Morfindir paid no heed to her because at that moment Belegorn shuffled pointedly. He turned to glare at the captain and hissed: "Of course I'll stay".

Maeloth turned to her brother, ready to snap at him for his rudeness, but she froze when she saw the look of hatred on his face. She couldn't understand why he was looking at Morfindir like this. As far as she new, they had never exchanged more than two words. Such hostility was uncalled for; if anything, Belegorn should be grateful, since Morfindir was the one that rescued them when they were wandering in the forest.

Morfindir didn't cower under his gaze, but he contemplated him in silence for a few moments before turning to Maeloth again.

"I want to talk to you about yesterday", he said, bringing her attention back to him.

He wanted to dive in the battle's events, just as she expected. She didn't feel ready to talk about it yet, but she felt much calmer than yesterday. Belegorn might be embarrassing her now, but he and his care had worked miracles for her last night.

She swallowed and braced herself for a few uncomfortable minutes, hoping that Morfindir wouldn't carry on about Arphenion for long. She looked him in the eyes in an effort to appear braver and more ready than she felt.

She expected to find a look of pity or sadness on his face, as in prince Legolas's, but he was looking at her with a cross frown.

"I perceived that you didn't want to talk to me yesterday - which is understandable, of course", he said. "I respected your need for rest and calmness and I let you go. However, I am afraid that I can't let this matter go unreferred for long". He sighed and eyed her with an austerity she hadn't seen before in his face. "What you did was hard – there is no denying that. There are not many that would do it, especially in their first battle. But you've probably heard that already. I know that the prince sought you out afterwards and I can imagine what he told you, more or less. He expressed his surprise and his awe to me, too".

He made a small pause and lowered his gaze to his hands, thinking over his next words. When he lifted his head again, his eyes pierced her like black arrows. "As your commander, I think I have the right to speak to you openly. You will not hear from me words about courage, or duty, or strength of spirit. You won't hear me saying that I am proud, because I am not".

The severity of his tone took her by surprise. She was used to Morfindir always comforting and encouraging her but, this time, his look left no doubt of his displeasure.

Guilt, again; all her uncertainty and self-doubt came rushing back. She shuffled anxiously in her seat. Could it be that he had seen past what everybody else was seeing? Was he here to expose her for what she was?

"I am not proud", he went on, "I am only deeply worried. What I saw yesterday was not a display of courage. What I saw was repressed anger and hatred. Not hatred towards Arphenion, don't get me wrong - but there's no hiding the anger that burns in your soul. Seeing the shadow of it in your eyes yesterday made my blood freeze".

Cold sweat broke out in her palms. She could feel the blood leaving her face, even though her heart was beating frantically. Her fear mounted; and it seemed absurd that she could be this afraid of mere words.

"Wh-What do you mean?", she stammered.

"Maeloth-?", Belegorn started, concerned, but she raised a hand to silence him.

"I mean", Morfindir went on, showing that he didn't want to be disrupted, either, "that what has happened to you has left you deeply hurt and angry. And of course it has. Of course you are angry for the unfairness of it all, and of course you are hating whatever and whoever made you go through this. Perhaps you don't even know what you are hating: is it the spiders and the Orcs, is it a faceless enemy, is it just an idea?"

He leaned closer, over the table that was between them, closer to the frozen figure of Maeloth. His expression softened as concern crept into his frown.

"You have so much repressed anger and you don't know where or how to direct it. I have seen you practice. I have seen you fight. You do both with a self-punishing fierceness. And, when the opportunity for violence appears, you don't let it slip. You can't let it slip. You weren't eager to kill Arphenion in particular, but you were eager to do something. Anything. I see it in your eyes the whole time: burning in you, the desire to just do something, without really knowing what it is that you need".

She had not expected this. She had expected reprimanding, anger, even a display of disgust and disappointment – but not this. And she had not expected the surge of pain, or the tears that fought to find the way to her eyes. His words were like knives cutting into still raw and sensitive wounds; yet, there was no denying of the truth that rang in them. A truth she hadn't been able to put into words until now. In a way, this was worse than a rebuke.

And he must have known of the effect his words would have. He never spoke carelessly, never without having thought of his words beforehand. So, what did he want to achieve with this? If he was here just to remark on how deeply lost she was in the maze without willing to help her out, he might as well not have come at all. Because, at the moment, hearing him speak was not worth the pain.

She swallowed down the tears that had stood on her throat and glared at Morfindir with a sudden aggression.

He probably understood what she was thinking, because he said: "I am here, as I said before, to make a proposition". He sat up, cast a guarded look towards Belegorn and then turned back to Maeloth. "There is a party leaving soon for an important mission. Prince Legolas will lead a team of a select few to the South, to scout the area and infiltrate, if possible, what we believe to be the stronghold of a powerful enemy".

Maeloth sat up, too.

"We believe that whatever it is that sends these spiders is settled down there. Previous scouting missions have showed great numbers of Orcs and creatures of darkness gathering around the fortress of the Bald Hill. We need to go take a look to determine the nature and the size of the threat. I will go with prince Legolas, of course. And I have personally requested your participation in this mission".

"What?", Maeloth breathed; with the corner of her eye, she saw Belegorn almost jump in surprise.

"I would like you to come with us. I believe you are going to be really useful, seeing that you know the area better than most of us. You've lived there all your life, and it is important to have someone that knows their way around. It is going to be extremely dangerous and I cannot guarantee your safety, so think it over carefully".

She sat frozen in her place, looking at her captain with wide eyes. He knew that what he was asking her was no small thing – he must have known that. He was asking her to go back to the one place she could not bear thinking about. The prospect terrified her; he might as well have asked her to walk awake through the land of her nightmares.

And yet, to go there and see, actually see what had happened and who was responsible for it… Deep down she longed for it.

She curled her fists so tightly that her nails hurt her skin. She felt the rage Morfindir had been talking about kindle in her, like embers blown upon.

"But that is not the only reason", Morfindir went on, paying close attention to her reactions. "Actually, that's not the reason at all; this is merely what I said to my superiors to justify my request. The actual reason I want you to join us is completely different".

She waited, barely able to draw breath.

"I want you to come and see with your own eyes the place where the events that have hurt you so much took place. I want you to see why everything happened. I want you to walk these grounds again and see what they have turned into and, perhaps, help us find who is behind all this. I want to give your rage and your hatred a way out.

I don't know if that is the right thing to do and I won't be the one to make the choice for you. Each one of us chooses their own way to cope with the things that hurt them. But you have chosen the sword; and if you are to keep training under my command, I don't want you raging around senselessly.

I want you to meet eye to eye whatever hurt you. I want you to see the real culprit. If you are to rage, know what you are raging for; if you are to hate, know who you hate and why. I want to give you a reason and a target for these feelings, so that you may use them to the best ends, if you choose to.

I cannot stress enough how dangerous it is going to be and I warn you that I cannot guarantee your safety. However, I believe that it is a choice that should be yours to make. Think on it carefully. Take as much time as you need. I'll wait for your answer".

Morfindir stopped talking and silence fell. For a few moments Maeloth just stood still, looking at him, trying to let his words sink in.

She could never have imagined something like this. She knew that Morfindir cared for his soldiers - and for her – but this was beyond the typical concern of a captain for his men. He had never spoken to her like this before. In fact, nobody had. Prince Legolas had been kind and noble – too kind, even – but it had not been what she needed.

She did not need kindness. What she needed was, just as Morfindir said, a way out for her anger and a target for the hatred that scratched at her insides. She needed to know why that night all those weeks ago ever took place. Why she couldn't stop seeing the fires burn in her soul, why she still heard screams in her dreams. What made her wield that sword.

She looked straight into Morfindir's sharp knowing look, into those eyes that had seen what she hadn't been able to. Everything was so clear now, so straight-forward. Only one choice to make, really.

She leaned over the table in eagerness and heard her voice come out deep and harsh.

"I'm in".

"No!", Belegorn shouted.

Both Maeloth's and Morfindir's heads turned towards him; he was staring at his sister, wild-eyed and breathing hard as if he had been running.

"Belegorn-", Maeloth started, but he cut across her.

"No. No, I'm not going to let you".

Maeloth's eyes turned to slits. "'Let me'...? This is my choice to make, not-"

"I don't care! This is madness! Going back there... And you!", he turned to Morfindir suddenly, pointing an accusing finger at him. "What are you thinking, coming here and saying those things? You have no right to mess with our lives like that, no right at all!"

Maeloth had every intention to shout at him to shut up, but but Morfindir spoke first.

"I beg your pardon, Belegorn, but I think your overstepping your boundaries. First of all, Maeloth is my subordinate and I have every right to include her in a mission of military nature. And secondly, I'n not here to drag her into anything against her will. I did not order her to follow me, even though I could have. I have let it up to her to choose".

"Don't act like you don't understand!", Belegorn seethed. "You come here and get her all worked up and then-"

"Enough!", Morfindir said, rising to his feet. "It is insolent of you to speak like this to a commanding officer! I don't like using my power, but I will not have this disrespect! You may discuss the matter with your sister if you want to, but you are in no position to question my actions!"

Belegorn looked ready to retort but Morfindir's intimidating look daunted him, so he just settled at glaring him in silence.

"I understand this choice is a family matter, so I'll leave you two to it", the captain said in a much calmer tone. "Maeloth, please make your decision known to me as soon as possible".

"There's no need, captain", she said firmly. "I told you, I've already made my choice. I'm in, no matter what". As she said these words she cast a threatening look at her brother, but he did not look like he'd object this time.

"Still", Morfindir insisted, "I'll leave you two alone".

"Captain-"

"Settle this", Morfindir said briskly; it almost sounded like an order. "I don't want to pry into your family matters but, if you come with us, make sure there are no hold-backs. It is an important mission and I already told you I won't have you lashing out in the wrong moments".

Maeloth stood up and bowed respectfully. "Understood, captain".

"Good", he said and made to leave.

Maeloth hurried to accompany him to the door and opened it for him. "I am sorry for his behavior", she whispered apologetically just as her captain made to cross the threshold.

He paused and said: "Don't apologize. I understand that this is hard on both of you". Then he looked at her and his lips curved slightly, softening his whole expression. "Do what you feel is right for you. I will support you in any choice".

Gratitude rose up inside her. "Thank you, captain", she murmured.

He tipped his head in acknowledgement and left. Maeloth watched him for a bit as he walked away and then closed the door with a deep sigh.

She remained still, holding the doorknob and feeling Belegorn's eyes on her back. She knew she would have to turn and face him but she didn't want to. She felt like leaving, either to go training or to go for a walk and think over her captain's words. But Morfindir was right. She had to stay and settle this.

It was only last night when she had sought refuge in Belegorn's arms. Last night she had felt that he was the only one who could understand what she needed and the only one who could provide it for her. Yet, at the moment she felt like he was last person capable of doing so. It seemed surreal that things could change so much in such a short span of time.

She turned around and saw him frowning at her in that way that made his eyes look dark and cold. She took a few tentative steps towards him, trying to decide where to begin.

"It was very rude of you to speak like this to him", she said after a while. Her voice was calm, but there was an evident tone of reprimanding in it.

"He deserved it", he snorted.

"No, he didn't", she said sternly. "He had every right to invite me to that mission and I have every right to accept that invitation".

"So I have no say in this?", he raised his voice. "You're saying this doesn't concern me at all?"

Maeloth hesitated. "I guess it affects us both", she admitted. "But try to understand-"

"You try to understand!", he shouted and moved to grab her by the shoulders, covering the distance between them with a few strides. "Can't you see this is madness? Why would you want to go back there? We managed to get away and we are safe here! We are given a chance to rebuild out lives and you want to risk it just to go back? Why?"

"Because I want to see it with my own eyes! Because I have to know why everything happened!"

"Why do you have to? We can just leave it behind us and focus on staying safe together! That place holds nothing for us anymore! There's nothing there but danger and death!"

"That's not true. There are answers there", she said with resolution.

"What does it matter? What will it change?"

"Don't you understand?", she almost whimpered in exasperation. It baffled her that he even had to ask something like this. "I need those answers! I need to know who did this and why!"

"This won't change what happened!"

"No, it won't. But I won't let whoever is responsible get away with it", she gritted her teeth.

"Let it go, Maeloth. Please. For me", he pleaded, tightening the grip on her shoulders.

"I can't! Can't you see? It's eating me from within!", she shouted in despair. She stared at him, heaving, surprised with her own outburst. She craved for him to understand, to be her anchor as he had been the previous night. She wanted his support to make it through this. Was this so much to ask?

He didn't speak for a while. He merely looked at her, considering the words that had just come out of her lips. After a few drawn-out moments of silence, he said in a grave voice: "You're doing this for him, aren't you?"

"What?", Maeloth breathed, bewildered.

"For him", he repeated, disgusted. "You're only doing this because he asked you to".

All her hopes for understanding came crashing down. She looked back at her brother, barely able to believe what she had just heard. Hopelessness choked her, but it was a sudden anger that pushed her to hiss: "How can you say such a thing? How can you even think of something like that?"

"You wouldn't have even thought of going down there if he hadn't told you to", he pressed on.

"Is this... really... all you have to say?", she stammered, her voice quivering.

"What else is there to say? He comes in here and acts all wise and knowing and then he just turns upside down whatever we have managed to build! He talks as if he knows you, while in truth he barely even-"

"You know, don't you", she interupted him, trembling all over with rage, "that everything he said was true? All of it. Every little thing".

"He messed with your head".

"He didn't! He just gets what is going on in my head!", she spat at him. "Are you really that short-sighted? Or are you merely jealous?"

"Jealous?", he repeated indignantly.

"Yes, jealous!", she shouted at the top of her voice, unable to contain her rage any longer. "Is that why you act like this? Because he gets me and you don't? Because he can see what you can't? Because he can understand me when you - my own brother - fail to? Is that why you don't want me going on that mission with him? So that you won't feel as inadequate?"

He let her shoulders go as if he had been burned by them. She expected him to retort in anger but he just staggered back, his face contorted in sudden pain. She watched him back away and curl in on himself but she was too angry to feel any pity.

"I'm going on that mission", she hissed mercilessly. "Deal with it, whether you can understand it or not".

With that she turned around and left, slaming the door behind her without so much as a second glance at her brother's hurt form.