Four days. It wasn't that long to Yi's perception of time. A drop compared to all he saw since his creation. Yet these particular four days passed as an eternity. Each hour, minute going while he watched from afar, a strange kind of agitation. Attention and thoughts focused on Yasuo.
Oh of course it never interfered with his own duty. When he was needed somewhere, he went and all was done for the best. But the thoughts remained, following this one mortal. Had never really left since he started talking with him.
Used never to idle too much, Yi kept making his way through space and universes. The only difference was the object of his concern.
Even in the quiet times – when it occured which was rather rare – it overtook his inner peace. Worry, confusion, self-discipline. Over and over he played again the memory of their last conversation. Especially how it ended.
Yasuo had sent him away. Might be the very first time he was ordered to leave. Well yes he was sure it was the first one, for he could never forget. Again a flash of pain. Yi winced. They were subject to pain but in a fairly ridiculous amount compared to each other life form. Physical pain wasn't bothering, high tolerance. But it was most 'effective' mentally. Inner torture.
Emotions happened and pain too. For each one of them, with some nuance by the other. Yi didn't feel – or at least expressed – emotion but instead mental pain was very often. Not his own but a reflection of people's pain. He didn't have all the tools to fully understand mortals but pain was the first thing he could sense from them. It made him good at his mission, able to detect the smallest anomaly in universes to restore balance. On the other hand, it meant suffering it, with several levels. People's pain was his, because he would never really have his own. Lucky one.
So when Yasuo and him got this discussions about feelings, it cut deep. I hurt him. That was the latter's words, no lies. And he even felt it too, how the man sounded upset.
The opposite of his purpose in life, do no harm. Yet he hurt Yasuo without even wanting to. I still have much to learn. It would have prevented this sad outcome. Thinking again and again about his already over moment wasn't useless, he tried to understand his wrongs. Question again, analyze, think.
The thing was, he didn't have much experience actually talking with mortals. Not for so long. Not for such topics. Yi could make suppositions from what he observed before and hope the result would be good. But there was something in people's societies, norms to respect, subjects not to explore, etc. Silent etiquette, not even questioned because it was part of each culture. A concept Yi had troubles getting used to. Of he knew everything he could, from written sources. But there was still things he couldn't grasp properly without having a full conversation with someone.
Psychology in fact was a dangerous yet interesting field. To understand how people thought, reacted and how experiences build them as individual. So it was nothing physical. Exactly what Yi couldn't observe except with advanced knowledge offered by books. And others written work, as long as it was engraved somewhere to be read and remembered.
Yi could just try, trust what he learned and maybe he would be right. Mortals often had this specific feeling, instinct to follow without reason. Himself ? Not so much. Maybe something tied to survival, so it wouldn't be part of his own set. Instead he relied on every senses, mostly sight. To understand.
The instant he was dismissed, Yi got an echo of pain. Surely Yasuo had his share of pent-up emotions and it was the result of his questions. I pushed too far. Too sensitive topic. Thinking again, it made sense. People gave lot of importance to feelings and didn't discuss it with anyone. Warmth coming up at Yasuo's admission. Not anyone… To feel unique was indeed peculiar. Again it came back to the latter's feelings toward him. So it was affection indeed though it was just a start.
By that, Yi was quite happy. Never really happened that someone felt such a thing for him. A mortal even less. This one. The concept was strange yet amazing. Someone felt positive things for him. He mattered. He could understand why people held love and such so dear, because of the fluttering sensation.
Existing. Everyone was born for a reason but it was nice to know another person was glad for one's existence. Yi would cherish this feeling. In return he wished to give something to Yasuo but here came the problem. Of course he wanted the latter to experience this, to matter for someone else. In a way he was already important for him.
But Yasuo told him not to. Because it hurt. This sentence really shook his belief. Not that he minded questionning himself but in fact it was rather the consequences of his rushed questions that concerned. Do no harm. As he thought when he formulated this idea, Yi was certain returning affection would be good.
It wasn't. That day he learned it and would never forget it. It was difficult to understand but Yasuo explained displays of affection couldn't be given without intent. It was possible but in his very case it wasn't enjoyable. A question of mutual giving. Intent. Was that the matter ? Yi did want to give this but why wouldn't it work ? Fake. Empty.
Difficult to understand on his part because for them, each action was meant. There was no lies between cosmic entities. If a move was made, it was for a reason. Or it wouldn't happen in the first place. So it left Yi confused. Never considered doing something without even meaning it. But Yasuo was adamant. He couldn't possibly give it the right importance.
It hurt now that he thought about it. Yasuo dismissed what himself could feel about it. Why was he so resolute to shut down Yi's potential answer ? It looked like he had already given up. That in no universe nor time Yi could return it the right way.
It hurt because he wasn't sure yet about it. Love, affection, all this. With this conversation, the mere exploration of these feelings was shot. A bit of rolling anger, for being told what to feel and what he wasn't actually feeling. It's not his choice. It's mine.
Always that question : what did he feel for Yasuo ? The man was quick to say what it wasn't, at least. But Yi saw how upset he was at the moment.
Protective instinct. It didn't make sense at all, to hear Yasuo push away the potential of returned attention when himself had a start of love. Paradox. Yi still tried to understand anyway. As illogical as it was, it could be a measure to shield any future pain. Not give hope. But hope could do so much.
Yi kept thinking about all this, free star wandering in space. For his mind never left that place. Maybe left his heart there too, if he had any.
In the end, no matter how Yasuo made it sting a little at denying possibilities, he was hurt. Because of Yi and his curiosity. No wonder why they hadn't met up again since then.
At first he prefered to give the latter enough time and room to think. Also because he was plainly thrown out of the ship, for good reasons. Yasuo was distressed, upset and everything in his presence would make it worse. So it was a logical decision though he was sad to leave. After the time spent together, absence was so much noticeable, difficult to ignore.
Yi had left, resolute to stay away for a while.
The decision was clear, he wouldn't go back to Yasuo unless called. Like at the beginning. Yi never enjoyed bothering people, prefering to wait an offer or anything before coming.
So he waited. And waited. Resumed his tasks, helping when needed, wherever it was. Always a watchful eye on the latter.
Nothing happened. No call. He saw Yasuo wasn't in a good mood either, barely going out of his room. He didn't look so bad but sure there was something on his mind. Yi wished he could come over and listen to his problems. Do whatever he could to make it better. But not without invitation. Yasuo had asked him to go away and he had no idea when it would end.
Once his name was spoken. Something low, no one would have heard it except him. But as soon as he looked for the circumstances of this call, Yi had to calm down and lie in his sadness. Indeed Yasuo called him, in his sleep. Breathy name, no misunderstanding. But that wasn't enough. Maybe not even on purpose. Yi watched from his far position, still a bit curious. The latter stirred but didn't wake up, mumbling non sense. So he kept waiting.
Four days. Four days… For once time seemed to be too much. Yi couldn't hold still in the same place, restless. There was an urge, constant worry for Yasuo. So from time to time he looked, making sure he was alright.
Then it happened. Lulu. One that could never stop meddling in other's business though deeply she meant no harm. Just too curious and caring for everyone's good.
And so she barged into the Morning Star, looking for Yasuo.
Yi watched this peculiar interaction of course. A hint of worry without reason but also curiosity for the enchantress visit. The conversation wasn't the one he expected though. To the point of interrupting whatever plan she had. For a short time panick overtook him. He didn't like the turn taken, even less for what it seemed to do to Yasuo.
In one second he was included in the exchange and it led him here.
At first he was a little too scared to return to Yasuo, too aware of the harm inflicted before. But he was called and the latter wanted to talk. So he came.
A few seconds of silence in the room, Yasuo looking at him with rare relief. Always so fascinating to read. Yi felt better for this reaction, it wasn't bad to have come here.
The latter stepped in his direction, reached for him slowly. Warm hand grabbing his, squeezing lightly in a gesture meant to convey joy.
Yi remembered everything. Always. There was always this soft thing in Yasuo's gaze. An attempt at keeping it down but here nonetheless. Yi remembered another hurt look, days ago. I shouldn't.
Gently, he took his hand away, leaving Yasuo's. Slow, slow, not to harm.
Always that same thought. I hurt him.