Author Notes:
Mature content and non-explicit stuff.
Chapter 11
The Performance
Summary:
Cloud goes to great lengths to try and fix up his life.
"Man, what a piece of work! The way he kept insulting you! Making fun of you! Mocking you! What the fuck! He burns me up! How dare he have the audacity to be such a cold piece of shit and demand things of you! As if you'll ever go back there, after the things he said to you! The way he treats you!" Zack paced furiously, ranting, working his nervous energy out the only way he knew how.
"And the way he just switched. One moment saying all these things - 'not wanting to hurt you', demanding for apologies! Thinking you owe him? Fucking hell! And then he tries to make conversation with me? Trying to all polite? As if I'm gonna be friends with him! As if I'll ever see him as anything but a fucking monster!"
Zack rubbed at his face letting out a groan before settling and looking at Cloud, who was standing beside his bike casting dark eyes to the ground.
"You're ok, right, Cloud? You held up really well in there."
Cloud glanced up and nodded. "Yeah, I'm ok," was his thin reply. But he was shaking. Cloud felt weak. He felt wrecked.
Zack could apparently tell as well, because he quickly moved towards him, eyes brimming with worry.
"Cloud, you don't look too good."
Zack's care and concern were too heavy. Cloud sunk down to the ground. He couldn't hold himself upright any longer. He sat on the pavement, arms resting atop of knees and head cradled between hands.
Arms and firm body were right at Cloud's side, engulfing him, but Cloud suddenly drew in on himself. Everything tensed against the touch.
Zack suddenly pulled away. "Shit, Cloud… you sure you're alright?"
Cloud exhaled sharply. He lifted his head to look at Zack. "I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for." Zack tried to touch Cloud again, running a hand through Cloud's hair. But Cloud still flinched quite hard. … Which made Zack flinch as well.
"Sorry," both men muttered simultaneously.
Zack sighed in pain. "You've got nothing to be sorry for, Cloud," he stated with more force.
Cloud grimaced at that. "I do, Zack. I'm sorry for putting you through all this shit. I'm sorry for being all… I just… feel… " Cloud voice drifted off. He felt gross. He felt dirty and despicable. He felt exhausted and drained. His body buzzed but also felt stone cold.
He felt so pissed off at the words Sephiroth had spoken. So pissed off because Cloud knew how Sephiroth operated. He had known something like that would happen, but Zack hadn't. Cloud felt terrible for not having been able to prepare the man sufficiently. He had let Zack down and himself.
His head sunk back down. He felt stiff and rigid. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for an eternity.
Zack spoke words, but Cloud didn't hear. All he heard was the pounding of his heart and ass he could focus on how much everything hurt and how uncomfortable he was.
"Cloud, get up." Zack voice broke through the haze Cloud was lost in. He sounded very stern.
It made Cloud's insides clench.
"Get up now, Cloud, c'mon." Zack jumped up to his feet.
Something in the other man's voice was very commanding, so Cloud got up, reluctantly.
"C'mon. Shake that shit out. Shake it all out." Zack started bouncing lightly, shaking his shoulders and boxing the air. "C'mon, Cloud."
"Zack, no," Cloud didn't have any energy for it.
"C'mon. Just gimmie two bounces and two punches." Zack continued to bounce.
Cloud huffed out light amusement and started following Zack's lead, bouncing lightly, and striking out wimpy punches.
"More energy, please." Zack kept bouncing and boxing the air, exhaling sharply with each precise punch. "And I want to hear you breath!"
Cloud jumped a little higher, he struck out a little firmer. He huffed air out of his lungs harsher. Tension seeped out of shoulders. His legs felt better for the movement and it was refreshing to have air forced deep into and out of his lungs.
"Lookin' good, Cloud," came Zack's cheerful encouragement as both men bounced and punched the air in the middle of the hospital car park.
A smile lit Cloud's face. The anger he had felt slipped away.
A few moments more and Cloud stopped bouncing as did Zack.
"You feel better, buddy?"
Cloud had to search inside himself. "Yeah, I do actually."
Zack's buoyant grin flashed. "Awesome! I read somewhere that moving helps."
Cloud knew that Zack had been spending a fair bit of time reading through articles, but he had never bothered to inquire what they had been about. He thought that now was probably a good idea to start.
"You read? Have you been reading about…"
"How to help someone through trauma? Yeah," Zack nodded solemnly. "I knew we'd come here so I did some research… just in case," he shrugged. "I want to support you as best I can. If you've got your heart set on doing this then I gotta know how to take care of you, right?"
Cloud found it hard to breath with the amount of love he felt for Zack all of a sudden. He turned away from him. "You shouldn't… I should never have put you in this position." The bad feelings started welling up again. "I -I should have warned you. I should have told you how he is. He can read me like a book. He knows what hurts. He knows how to dig and how to get under my skin."
"Cloud, please stop thinking about that stuff. It's in the past. It's done. You don't have to apologize!" Zack's voice drifted closer. It was almost upon him. Cloud's stomach clenched. His spine tingled with almost razor sharp stabs, as he anticipated being touched.
But nothing happened. Nothing came, except for Zack's soothing voice, "If anything I'm the one who should say sorry. Sorry I wasn't much help to you in there. I probably just made it worse," the man lamented.
Cloud let out a deep sigh, and with his his anxiety. He wanted to be close to Zack. This man cared for him, so deeply. Cloud turned around and looked at Zack. The warm smile softened Cloud up even more. He stepped forward, closing the distance between them and leaned heavily against Zack a short moment later.
Why did it hurt his soul to do this? Why did it leave his throat so tight?
Comforting arms tentatively enveloped and drew Cloud closer. Hand gently rubbed his back. "Is this ok?" Zack checked in quietly.
Cloud's fingers pulled tightly on Zack's shirt. He took deep, comforting breaths, inhaling Zack's always warm and sunny scent. It became easier to breathe. His scent chased away the tendrils of that saccharine and pungent stank which Cloud felt clinging to himself.
"It's more than ok, Zack. It's what I need," Cloud muffled into Zack's shoulder, before nuzzling into the man's neck.
Zack filled him with warmth and love. Zack helped to dislodge the old uncomfortable memories and feelings that had been brought up.
Zack squeezed Cloud tight, and placed a warm kiss atop of blonde head.
The tension continued to slowly leak out of Cloud.
"You know," Cloud started, somewhat labored, "I had almost forgotten what Sephiroth was like." That had been a surprise in its own right. But sadly Cloud had been wonderfully reminded like a slap to the face.
"I wish you didn't have to remind yourself. I wish you could just forget about all this and get on with your life," Zack spoke, sounding bitter.
It squeezed Cloud's heart.
"I've tried. I've tried so hard for the last six years. Running away hasn't helped. This is the one thing I've never tried. This is the one thing I gotta do," the words left Cloud feeling bitter and sick inside himself.
Another firm press of lips was pushed against Cloud's hair. "I wish it didn't have to be this way," Zack squeezed out, sounding pained. "God! It makes me sick to think you had to endure that for so long. Urgh! Again… I'm so sorry for how useless I was in there. I wish I could have done more."
"No, Zack," Cloud pulled away to look him in the eyes. "You helped so much. I wouldn't have been able to set foot in there without you. You helped me to stay focused." Cloud smiled meekly through his exhaustion.
Zack looked at Cloud with sadness and sympathy. He gave Cloud another squeeze and planted an incredibly soft kiss on his cheek.
Cloud's heart gave a small delighted flutter. It felt nice and like a reprieve from all the shit he was feeling inside himself.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of regret having agreed to this. I want to keep you safe. You handled yourself really well but, I wish… you should never have to put up with someone like him. I don't like what he does to you. I don't like how shaken you are after that."
"I don't like it either," acknowledged Cloud with a sinking head. "But… again having you here helps. Thank you for having come with me. You helped a lot," he muttered.
It had been a really big ask of Zack. But he had come through. He had shown that he believed in Cloud. That meant a lot.
Zack sighed, "Well I'm glad I was kinda useful. But I still don't get why you have to expose yourself to… that. God, he's awful."
"He didn't used to be like that," Cloud frowned deeply.
"But he is now."
"I want to believe that there is some good in him, Zack. I need to find something redeemable about him."
Zack looked pained. "To get rid of the awful feelings inside yourself, yeah?"
Cloud nodded.
Zack breathed out and pain turned to compassion. "I'm so proud of you, you know that?"
Cloud stared at Zack in surprise, causing the other man to laugh gently.
"You are facing all the things in your past that have ever held you back. You are courageous, and strong. You're an inspiration, and I feel so honored to know you."
Embarrassment heated Cloud's face and he turned his head away from that loving gaze, causing a delighted sound to emit from within Zack.
"How do you always manage to be so cute, huh?" Zack nuzzled Cloud's neck gently and breathed in deeply, almost like he really loved the way Cloud smelt.
The flutter inside of Cloud grew stronger.
"It's my superpower?" Cloud tried to jest, timidly.
"That it definitely is."
An affectionate kiss was left on the corner of Cloud's mouth.
It caused tingles of delight to course through his body. The weird reflexive shut down Cloud had experienced continued to drift further away.
"So where to from here? I don't know if you managed to settle anything in your own head today. Do we have to come back in the future?" frowned Zack slightly, gazing back at the hospital.
"I think today was the biggest hurdle. I - you're right. I didn't resolve anything today, so I will come back and talk to him."
"Just say the word, Cloud. I'll be here for you."
Zack said it with so much zest and enthusiasm that the next words hurt Cloud to get out.
"I'll be going alone, Zack. This is something I can't have you there for."
Zack took a moment to process that and his face fell into a frown.
"Are you being serious?"
Cloud nodded.
"Why? I can't let you do this."
"You need to let me do this. You saw how he behaves and talks. If you come with me he's going to use you against me. He'll make you angry to get to me. I'd rather not let him have that chance."
Zack's mouth hung open slightly. "You're still trembling though," he said, rubbing his hand up and down Cloud's arms, pointedly.
Cloud breathed out the clenching discomfort which was growing again in his stomach. He wished his body would calm down.
"I'm just really… drained. The first time's always the scariest. I'm sure I'll be a lot better next time. I forgot what I should have been expecting, but now I'm fully aware of it again. We sussed him out. There's cameras, so I should be safe. I can handle myself, Zack. I've got this now, so please trust me. Continue to believe in me and to be there for me when I need you, but let me do this alone."
It was a dirty trick. Cloud knew that. Zack would give him the benefit of the doubt. After that painful incident involving his brother and the secrets that had been kept from him, Zack wouldn't have any other choice than to acquiesce to Cloud's demand. Because Zack kept claiming he trusted Cloud. And Cloud actually believed him… and trusted him as well.
Cloud trusted Zack to have his back. He trusted Zack to not hurt him. He trusted that Zack would continue to love him and care for him. It caused familiar stinging to prickle behind his eyes with how wonderful it was.
But it was also so very strange. Most days Cloud completely forgot that he ever had a hard time trusting others. Zack made things easier, somehow. Zack made Cloud forget the bad shit in his life.
Zack sighed and gave a stern look. "Alright," he said. "You can go in there by yourself but I'm gonna be waiting out here for you. Deal?"
Cloud actually felt relieved to hear that. He nodded.
Zack smiled, but it was weak and not as jovial as was his typical nature. "I also want you to promise me something, Cloud."
"What?" he asked cautiously.
"You won't let him destroy the life you're building for yourself. You'll keep living your own life; you'll keep doing the things you enjoy doing, ok? You continue to live and work on building the normal life you've always wanted. Don't get swallowed up by him, and don't let him worm his way into your head. I love you, and you are an amazing person. Don't forget that and don't let him tear you down."
Love swelled inside of Cloud. "I don't want to lose sight of any of that either. You - you'll tell me if I get lost, won't you?" was Cloud's wary question.
"I've always got your back, buddy," came the response with a comforting pat and rub.
They headed back to their work and both became engrossed in their businesses for the remainder of the day.
But intrusive thoughts and feelings crept into Cloud's existence despite his best efforts to try and distract himself.
His body itched and burned far worse than it had done in almost five years. He felt skittish around the sound of metal scraping, which was troublesome since he worked in the mechanics trade. Something as simple as placing his tools down on the metal tray sent his nerves on edge and brought memories of steel back to the very forefront of his mind.
But Cloud had dealt with all of this before. He would get through it again. He would be fine. He was strong. All that shit was in the past.
Cloud focused on the sound of Zack's voice drifting into his workspace as the man talked on the phone, or would shout a question towards Cloud regarding what he would like to have for dinner.
Stuff like that got him through the remainder of the day.
Cloud felt like Zack was watching him like a hawk when they were together that evening.
"Do you want to go to bed early? You had a huge day today after all."
"You don't need to baby me," Cloud protested, working hard to stifle the yawn.
"I know I don't need to, but I want to? Nothing makes me happier than knowing you're ok."
Zack always warmed Cloud's heart.
"Well maybe a bit of an early night might be nice," Cloud conceded.
Zack beamed.
"How about a bath too, while I've got you in such an agreeable mood, huh?"
"A bath? Next you're gonna tell me you want to wash me too."
"Wow, you're seeing right through my plans," Zack chuckled.
"Really? You're gonna wash me?" Cloud asked incredulously.
"Yeah. If you'll let me."
"I don't know. I haven't been sat in a bath and washed since I was probably five."
"I'll be bathing right beside you if that's cool with you. I haven't had a bath in such a long time."
"Yeah, I can tell," Cloud held his nose closed and started laughing when Zack threw him an outraged look.
They had both piled into the bathtub once it was filled up to the halfway point.
Zack lovingly sponged Cloud down, rubbing a soft washcloth down his arms and over his back and chest.
But Cloud still flinched. And he tensed when Zack took notice.
"It's alright, Cloud," Zack reassured. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"I know that," Cloud got out in a monotonous voice. And he really did know that. But he couldn't stop his reactions.
"You know, this is all normal. You've been through shit, and seeing that guy today just… pulled all of that stuff back up for you."
Cloud nodded. He leaned back against Zack's chest, as he was being cradled between the man's legs.
"I'll help you get through this, Cloud. Just focus on the present. Focus on your future. On the things you want to achieve and the things you have in your life right now, ok?"
"I've got you," Cloud tilted his head and looked up at Zack, who smiled down at him softly. "I've got Roxas. And my workshop."
"You've also got yourself, Cloud. Don't forget that. And your friends in Wutai. And Aerith. She totally misses you by the way. She misses seeing your hair getting all frizzy," Zack laughed lightly, while running the cloth across Cloud's face and down his neck.
Cloud smiled at that. "My hair actually got as lot better with that humidity. I think being in Wutai helped. Being down there helped a lot of things actually."
"That's what I like to hear. Focus on the things you learned and your strengths."
"My strengths…"
"Yeah. Like how driven and boneheaded you are," Zack laughed.
Cloud chuckled. "Takes one to know one."
Zack beamed down at him. "I'm not going to argue with that."
Cloud felt so much better. He pushed a hand onto the back of Zack's head and pulled him down into a gentle kiss.
They only pulled apart when Cloud had to move away for a yawn.
'Alright, I hear you loud and clear, Sunshine. Time for bed."
They rinsed off. Cloud got dressed while Zack stayed mostly naked and they snuggled down for the night. Cloud was pulled firmly against Zack's chest, resting his face there, while Zack hummed soft tunes and ran his hand through Cloud's hair.
It left Cloud feeling peaceful. Secure. Warm. Loved.
But he had uncomfortable dreams that night.
He awoke drenched in cold sweat. His heart raced and he trembled all over. His chest burned. His back ached.
Cloud didn't know where he was. All he knew was that he needed to run away, but he couldn't… because he was being held fast.
Shushing sounds flooded him. A vice like grip held him. Saccharine scent made Cloud want to throw up. Choking whimpers lodged in his throat.
Words filtered to Cloud's panicked ears. Words which were calm and quiet. Delivered in a timbre which Cloud knew. One Cloud loved. His hyperventilating eased for a fraction of a second, allowing him to hear the words through his rasping.
"Cloud, Cloud, shhh, it's alright. Sunshine. You're safe. I promise."
The nightmare dissolved. The vice like grip was but a gentle hold around his waist and the smell of sweat and warm sun filled his nostrils.
"Z-ack?" Cloud's voice broke. It trembled. His heart was still racing uncomfortably.
"Yeah, it's me. Just breathe, Cloud. Lets count."
Zack counted for their in and out breaths. He hovered above Cloud, smiling down warmly at him. Stroking his arm and brushing hair out of Cloud's face.
They were all loving touches Cloud never got in the past. They were all distinct Zack mannerisms.
Cloud managed to get deeper breaths into his lungs. His heart thumped with a little less force, but he still felt overcome. He still trembled.
"Zack, I'm so-"
"Shhhh. Don't apologize. Tell me what you need. Tell me what you want." Zack's arm never stopped their soothing motion. It actually made Cloud's skin prickle with delight.
Cloud chose to focus on that, instead of the harrowing tendrils of the nightmare which he couldn't even remember anymore.
"I -I need to get up. I need to… go," Cloud winced. He regretted having said that. How would Zack react?
"You want me to come with you? We can go for a walk around the workshop. We can go for a stroll down to Mega Moomba's and get ourselves some burgers. I'm kinda feeling hungry anyway," Zack grinned down at Cloud.
A small laugh shook out of Cloud. Damn, that felt good. "Yeah. I'd like that," he nodded.
Zack didn't pry. He didn't ask what had happened. He only chatted to Cloud about what a blessing it was that a 24/7 burger joint had opened up a few blocks down the road a few months ago, as they walked through the cool night air.
Cloud really appreciated that.
Cloud didn't go back immediately. He still had a life. He desperately wanted to keep the promise he had made to Zack and to himself.
So Cloud focused on his business and on helping Denzel learn the trade. But Cloud also knew that going back to Sephiroth was a rather pressing issue. He didn't want to lose his cool and what little confidence he possessed. The biggest shame would be in needing Zack to accompany him through those doors again.
Cloud still felt weird about being too reliant on other people. He felt he was getting better at asking for help when he really needed it. But he also wanted to further strengthen that self reliance he had been working hard on cultivating over the last few years. Without it he would never have been able to look after Roxas, nor would he have been able to head to Nibelheim.
He didn't want to lose sight of the person he was working so hard at becoming.
Cloud tried to believe in himself. He thought hard about what he had accomplished for himself and for Roxas over the last six years. He built his pride and self belief up and then, with an encouraging pat form Zack on his back he stepped through those hospital doors a second time to meet Sephiroth with trembling dread.
The door opened and the sickening sweet tang wafted to Cloud's nose.
"It's so good to see you again, Cloud. But without a chaperone? How brave of you," was the too familiar derisive tone that had eaten away at Cloud over the years.
The man swept aside to make way for Cloud to enter but Cloud hesitated.
"I don't need anyone to look after me," he said fiercely and glared at blue-green eyes.
"Oh Cloud, I beg to differ. The staff told me how often you would come around. How long you would sit outside, and all the times you literally ran away," Sephiroth chuckled. "So stop pretending."
It settled in Cloud's stomach like a heavy rock. All that ran through Cloud's head was 'Fuck'.
He felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed at that very moment. Sephiroth was laughing at him. Cloud felt like a baby. He fought against his internal disgust. He wanted to be strong.
He stepped through the door. "I'm not scared of you. I don't need anyone to face you."
"Good."
The coffee came out again and they sat much like they had done previously.
The clock ticked sharp against the heavy silence. The coffee cooled and remained untouched.
Sephiroth began speaking when Cloud refused to initiate a conversation or even look at him.
"So you are in a relationship with that man? Or was that kiss just for show?"
The interrogation had started.
Cloud raised his eyes without lifting his head, "Yes."
Sephiroth quipped an eyebrow and sneered and Cloud's curt reply.
"Do you think he actually cares for you?"
"Yes."
"But he's let you come here - all by yourself." Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow, "Unless of course he doesn't know the full extent of our history."
The words were like a knife plunged into Cloud's stomach.
"He knows everything," came the gritted response.
Sephiroth looked amused. His casualness and indifference to what he had done all those years ago made Cloud's blood boil.
"And you still think he truly cares for you? How naive," he said flatly.
"He believes in me. He trusts in me. He knows I can take care of myself, and he's happy for me." Cloud's jaw clenched shut again. He couldn't keep the anger out of his voice, much to his own irritation. He didn't want to give that man anything. He didn't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing Cloud angry or upset. But Cloud felt like he was letting himself down spectacularly.
"Is that what you tell yourself at night? Does it help you sleep?"
Cloud just rolled his eyes and huffed.
"How long have you two even been together?" he asked. The last word was dripping and drenched in as much sarcasm as he could probably muster.
"You're not my parent, you're not even my friend. You have no more role to play in my life so it's none of your business," was Cloud's only defense.
"Hmm, interesting," was the sharp response.
Cloud just looked confused. "What?" he spat.
"I just wonder why you have come to see me if I am no longer important in your life. Come in here once to show off what a great supportive and handsome young man you've somehow ended up with, I can understand. You want to rub my face in it. But come here a second time, sans your trophy and I am left to only believe one thing."
Cloud had a revolting shudder run through him.
"He's not a trophy," he snapped, not wanting to talk about the thing Sephiroth obviously was fishing for.
Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow in disbelief.
"I'm going to assume you two have been together for less than six months." Sephiroth continued on with his own agenda.
Cloud watched the man warily and with confusion around what the whole point of this was.
Sephiroth put his empty cup of tea down and relaxed back into his armchair. Arms spread over the armchairs back and long legs stretched out, tapping Cloud's foot.
Cloud yanked himself away. It was bad enough having to be surrounded by Sephiroth's saccharine odor. Cloud could at least be in control of whether he was going to be touched, and he took full advantage of this freedom.
"You're going to be all lovey-dovey at first. Of course you are. The first year is always the most exciting, isn't that right, Cloud?" he punctuated his sultry words with a quirked eyebrow. "But then what happens when you get tired with each other? When he starts to see who and how you really are? When he begins to see that your insecurities aren't fleeting? When he sees that your hang ups won't ever go away? It will just be a repeat of the past - like with us."
A gross shudder ran through Cloud's body.
Sephiroth looked delighted.
"What Zack and I have is nothing like what you and I had," defended Cloud.
"Oh no? Really? You don't confide in him? You don't seek comfort? You don't give yourself over to him willingly every night?" The man's voice had dropped to a low, bemused smoky whisper.
Cloud's heart was in his stomach. He wanted to run away. Why did it feel like he could never win?
"You are so predictable, Cloud."
"Shut Up! I don't need to hear your bullshit."
"Is that what you feel the past is? Bullshit?" Sephiroth said that word with disdain, as if it were below him to use such vulgar language.
"I've moved on from the past. I don't need to hear it."
"It's cute that you tell yourself these things, Cloud. You were always so endearingly naive. And this is why I'm telling you the things you need to hear."
"I don't need to hear anything you have to say," repeated Cloud with heat.
"Yet here you are," shrugged Sephiroth.
Cloud hated that Sephiroth way playing him so well. Cloud also hated that he was willingly taking this from the man. He could up and leave. But he wasn't. He was almost transfixed.
"Despite what you might believe I will always be concerned for you. I promised your parents that I would look after you. So let me tell you something - He lets you come here now, hoping it will fix something; hoping it will fix you. Maybe you even believe that yourself. And it might work for a little while. But you always did have a hard time letting go, and nothing will ever change that. In the end you'll always be fixated on just one thing."
Cloud could almost hear the 'me' implicated at the end.
"And he'll get jealous when he sees that his experiment failed. He'll demand things of you that you don't want to do or give up doing. Hmm, he's probably already demanded things of you, all in the interest of 'keeping you safe'." Sephiroth exhaled sharply through his nose in amusement as Cloud's face tightened.
"He'll tell you it's for your own good, when all he has are his own best interests at heart. And of course you'll give in - because you want to please him. You've always been so good at pleasing. That is why he'll try and hold on to you, until he can find someone better." Sephiroth sneered, which just twisted the knife in Cloud's gut tighter.
"If you stay with him you'll have ruined another good man. Do you really want that on your conscience?"
Cloud was trembling all over with anger and unshed tears. The scars on his back burned; the memory of every single one held in his mind as clear as day. The one on his chest itched - serving as a reminder that he never wanted to let Sephiroth see him cry ever again.
His chest always burned most bright. It had been the last one Sephiroth ever left on him. It had been the one to seal the deal and the one which drove Cloud to pack up his little brother late that night and to never look back.
"You don't know shit!" Cloud raged hard.
Cloud got up to leave. Sephiroth didn't move a muscle, but only called out, "I know how much you still want me, Cloud. That's why you've come back."
Cloud slammed the door shut behind himself, quivering with rage.
What did Sephiroth even know anyway? He didn't know who Cloud was anymore, and other than what he had heard from Angeal, Sephiroth had never met Zack long enough to know him either. That madman's steadfast assertions were wild and speculative allegations at best.
Cloud found himself locked in a bathroom. He couldn't go out and meet Zack in the state he was in. He couldn't make Zack worry. He needed to be strong for the both of them… just how he had been able to be strong for Roxas and himself those years past.
He counted his breaths, like Zack had shown him. He focused on what he needed to do when he got back home. He tried to ignore the acrid smell of hospital disinfectant and the pungent saccharine odor which seemed to cling to Cloud.
When he felt less shaky he stepped back out into the world and walked towards where he knew his future to be.
Zack bounded over as soon as he had lain eyes on Cloud. The relief was clear as day on his face. Zack fell in line next to Cloud as they headed towards their bikes.
"Cloud! How'd it go?"
Cloud exhaled the tension. "Alright."
"Did you get stuff sorted?"
Cloud shook his head and stopped abruptly.
Zack stumbled a little and pulled back to be at Cloud's shoulder.
Zack's heat was radiating off his body. Cloud felt drawn to it. The chill of the air conditioned environment he had been in still enveloped him. But he couldn't lean against him. Cloud couldn't let Zack know how much he needed him.
His stomach clenched tight as Zack's arms tentatively crept around Cloud's waist, in knowing.
In that moment Cloud hated himself and everything he was. He hated how predictable and obvious he was. He hated that he couldn't be strong enough to not let Sephiroth phase him. His weakness felt deplorable.
"Can I give you a hug?" Zack asked cautiously.
Cloud's stomach clenched even tighter, but this time with laughter.
Zack was already well and truly into a hug. His body was almost flush against Cloud's.
"Thanks for asking… I guess."
"So can I?" Zack's breath hit the nape of Cloud's neck.
"Well you're already here. Might as well." The smile which had played and fluttered on Cloud's lips settled in for the duration of Zack's enormous hug.
Zack began fussing over Cloud in a distinct 'caretaker' sort of a way. When work and mealtimes were done they relax and withdraw into their own space, leaving Denzel and Rupert to entertain themselves.
Zack had an array of activities for them to do. Light exercise, deep breathing and by far Cloud's favorite - sitting between Zack's legs being taught how to play the guitar.
It helped Cloud sleep better at night. He still had raging nightmares. He still awoke drenched in sweat but it eased with time. Cloud was able to put the nightmares behind him quicker and get to sleep sooner.
Zack continued to wait for Cloud after his visits with Sephiroth. He was always at the ready to give hugs or distract Cloud in other ways.
"Hey, you wanna grab something to eat?"
"While we're here how about we go pick up something nice for the boys?"
"You want to skip out on work and head over to the lakes? It's so hot today. We can find a private area and go skinny dipping."
Cloud, with time, grew tired of feeling bad about dragging Zack out to the hospital with him. So he worked hard on overcoming his body's reactions to being with Sephiroth. And it genuinely was getting better. With each passing visit his trembling decreased. The deep seated exhaustion grew a little less deep.
He was able to get on with things more readily and managed to convince Zack to just let Cloud go alone.
"Alright. But if it ever gets worse you need to tell me. I really don't mind being out here with you, Cloud. It's nice to be out of the office," Zack had smiled.
"I know you don't mind. But I also know that you chaperoning me does leave you chasing up phone calls and puts you behind in your schedule. That makes me feel worse, Zack."
"I really don't care about that. You're more important to me than -"
"You saying that doesn't make me feel better. I'm doing alright now. You know I'm doing alright. I'm even sleeping better. So I think it's ok for you to let me come here by myself. And if I feel worse I'll tell you."
So with Cloud's insistence Zack had reluctantly agreed upon a trial period.
Every time Cloud came back from what had turned into just another chore, Zack was always at the ready to greet him with a warm and all encompassing hug. The trademark 'Welcome home, Cloud' would ring vibrantly through the warehouse. It always elicited a special kind of flutter within Cloud's belly.
It chased away the vitriol which Cloud was left with from having spent time with Sephiroth.
Cloud never wanted Sephiroth to come between himself and Zack ever again. Cloud had enough of sacrificing his own happiness because of his internal, and external demons. He felt like so many years had been wasted on his insecurities.
So Cloud tried to pay Sephiroth's words no heed.
Despite having said he would share things more readily with Zack, Cloud still kept everything inside. He didn't want to burden Zack with his own crap. He always told Zack, "Yeah, I'm fine," when Zack checked in with him upon Cloud's return to the warehouse. A lot of things rattled through Cloud's head, but generally speaking Cloud thought himself as genuinely be fine. So it wasn't like he was lying to Zack. He just didn't share any details
Zack didn't pry, which Cloud appreciated. He seemed content with Cloud's answer as long as Cloud could prove to the both of them that he was functioning normally.
Zack trusted Cloud.
It was an incredible feeling.
With the help of Zack's gentle words, touches, and his warm and firm body next to Cloud's at night, Cloud managed to keep afloat. The tendrils of his darkest dreams evaporated against Zack's steady heartbeat. Cloud could enjoy himself feeling normal.
The stability and love he received from Zack was what enabled Cloud to go out into the world and face Sephiroth every time. If Zack hadn't been there Cloud would have drowned a long time ago.
There was such a strong drive inside of Cloud to face that man. It was almost like a burning need. He still searched for some answers to the resentment and hatred he held toward Sephiroth. How had such a caring man turned into a monster? The part of him that cared and had difficulty letting go of the past wouldn't let him rest until he gleaned some insight into the matter.
So Cloud continued to visit the man. Not every day, but without fail twice a week during his lunchtimes. He wanted to immunize himself against the parasite that Sephiroth was in his life. He practised not holding on to the vitriol, brushing it off.
Cloud tried in desperation to understand the man. He tried to have civil conversations with him. But Cloud always got triggered by some small turn of phrase, the quirk of an eyebrow, or the sound of a derisive huff.
Feelings of inadequacy stirred, especially when Sephiroth brought up the past.
"I wish you had never run away. You have no idea how hard that was on me."
That small sentence alone got Cloud's blood boiling but he swallowed it down. He always aimed for cool composure.
"You ever considered how hard it was on us? You gave me no choice. How the hell could it have been hard for you?" he demanded. For some reason Cloud couldn't succeed at the cool composure he was hoping for. But he hung in there, and tried to fish for some answers. Some light needed to be shed on the enigma that was the silver haired General.
"You took Roxas away from me."
Cloud huffed.
Somehow a lot of their conversations turned towards the topic of Roxas, and Cloud hated that. He loved his brother. But Sephiroth always bringing him up always caused anger to rise. Why was it always Roxas who was so important? Cloud felt that old sibling rivalry flair up in himself. He knew what Sephiroth was trying to do.
He shouldn't have told Sephiroth about how much his relationship with Roxas had improved over the years. It had only given ammunition to the man to try and tear Cloud down.
That was the too familiar pattern. Anything good in Cloud's life which wasn't centred around Sephiroth would always become the target for harsh criticism.
Cloud refused to fall for it or listen to the man.
So he began to sit in silence with Sephiroth whenever the conversations turned towards his brother. It was a form of protest. A way for Cloud to take control of the uncomfortable situation he put himself willingly into.
He even started to drink the coffee just so he had something to occupy himself with. Sephiroth would hand him the beverage and Cloud began taking it from that man's grasp. Whenever their fingers touched Cloud had a violent reaction. Almost like his nerve endings were trying to dislodge themselves and crawl away.
Aside from the sickening touch he also felt bitter irritation. His coffee was always just the way he liked it. Not even Zack managed to pull that off every single time.
After several attempts over the weeks to goad some heated responses from Cloud, Sephiroth also stopped speaking, besides the socially polite 'how do you do's. He finally got the hint that Cloud wasn't going to play any longer. Both men just seemed weirdly content to sit in each other's presence.
One day however Sephiroth made a proposal.
The staff and volunteers at the hospital held weekly concerts and recitals. Sometimes there were even plays, mainly held for special occasions. Sephiroth wanted Cloud to come along since, "We sit in silence anyway, so we might as well do that while we watch something entertaining."
Cloud had very reluctantly agreed, with the condition that he could bring Zack along.
The irritation on Sephiroth's face was infinitely gratifying to see. He had acquiesced, but not without a final jab. "Do as you wish. Bring whomever you want. But just be warned. It might not be to his taste. He seems a little 'simple'. It is a little disappointing. I always thought of you as having better taste in men."
It had sickened Cloud and he had left without further comment.
Cloud had felt furious at Sephiroth's insinuations about Zack. He wanted to prove the man wrong. That was why Zack and Cloud arrived arm in arm, dressed in their best clothes one evening at the hospital auditorium.
Cloud had wanted Zack to look his utmost best and to be at his most presentable. He wanted to show off the man he loved. He wanted to make Sephiroth jealous and hurt him.
So Cloud had spent almost an hour trying to get Zack ready.
"Why are you fussing so much? This is the fifth shirt you've made me put on," Zack had complained while diligently buttoning up a dark green shirt per Cloud's request.
"It's important we make a good impression," he had stated matter of factly.
"Why?"
"I want Sephiroth to know what a great guy you are."
Zack's eyes had narrowed in skepticism.
"What's it matter what he thinks of me? Why do I need to impress someone I can't stand? All I care about is you, and you already know how great I am," Zack had waggled his eyebrows and winked.
"I need him to know."
"Why?"
Cloud had felt uncomfortable. "I don't like the way he talks about you. Like you're beneath me. Like I could do better."
Zack had looked taken aback and hurt.
"You don't feel that way about me, do you? You don't think he's right, right?" Zack had sounded nervous.
"Of course not!" Cloud defended vehemently.
"Ok, good," and Zack had sounded relieved. "I'll try and leave a good impression, if it's important to you."
Cloud had eventually settled on the breezy dark green button down shirt, and had insisted Zack don on those dark wash skinny jeans which Cloud always found irresistible.
Zack had warned him, "If I put these on we're gonna be late for the play."
"Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't take that long to get them on."
"Oh Cloud... my Sunshine, my Cloudy Sunshine… you have no idea, do you?" Zack had purred.
"What?"
There had only been a wicked grin.
Zack had asked Cloud to wear a sky blue shirt, 'to bring out your eyes', and only then had he acquiesced to wearing the jeans.
There was a reason why Cloud wanted Zack to wear those jeans. He found Zack completely irresistible in them, and Cloud finally understood why they would run late.
They had stared at each other hungrily. All the tucking, touching and fussing had resulted in most of their clothes getting discarded again. Zack had trailed kisses everywhere and Cloud had groaned in pleasure as Zack fucked him up against their bedroom wall.
The pants were to blame for their tardiness.
But they had still made it in the nick of time. The crowds were entering the impressive and large auditorium and taking their seats as the music began to play.
Finding Sephiroth wasn't hard. He looked very regal in a flowing white blouse, stretched tight on his chest and hanging loose on his arms. Black leather pants left little to the imagination.
Disgustingly enough Cloud found him attractive.
Cloud could feel Zack's arm, which had drifted down to his waist, pull Cloud a fraction closer to himself. But that gorgeous and warm smile never faltered as the two men greeted each other coolly.
"You're late. Did you have trouble finding a car park?" admonished Sephiroth.
Zack stepped up to the plate, "Nothing as simple as that. We just got a bit lost in each other, if you catch my drift."
Cloud felt mortified, especially when the cool wink came out in response to Sephiroth's dangerously narrowing eyes.
He'd have to yell at Zack later.
The music swelled, indicating that the show was about to begin. It freed Cloud from focusing on the embarrassment he was feeling.
They quickly found their seats and Cloud sat himself between the two of them, despite Zack offering to seat himself next to Sephiroth. Cloud wanted to shield Zack, as much as Zack wanted to shield Cloud.
The lights turned down, the stage lit up. Music from the orchestral pit rose and burst to life and the curtains fell away.
Cloud found Zack's hand and took comfort in its heat and the familiar rough edges running across his smooth skin.
Cloud became engrossed in what was happening in front of himself. He was enjoying himself. The play itself was amusing. The production quality was quite high, especially for something which was run at a hospital, and the costumes and set designs were exquisite and inventive.
Cloud was enraptured by the stage direction and thoroughly enjoyed the way the orchestra accompanied and elevated the show to a whole nother level.
Despite Cloud being enraptured by the play, it did become incredibly difficult to tune out Sephiroth's presence at some point. Especially when he saw Sephiroth's smirk in his periphery. The man had caught sight of Zack, on the other side of Cloud.
Zack had fallen asleep, his head lolling to the side and soft snores permeating the air during quieter moments in the play. Cloud felt completely humiliated and ashamed.
Cloud continued to hold Zack's relaxed hand. Even if the man wasn't awake Cloud could still anchor himself to his presents. Zack could still serve as a distraction from focusing Sephiroth's touches. The man shifted next to him from time to time. He would brush up against Cloud's bare arm, causing Cloud to flinch every time. The touch burned his skin and the more it happened the more Cloud was certain Sephiroth was doing it on purpose.
The discomfort of the situation didn't detract from how surreal the experience was. Cloud, after all, was sitting between his past and future.
Zack did wake up again towards the end of the final act. He gave a sheepish grin to Cloud and wiped at his mouth. Cloud felt inexplicably sad and disappointed. He shouldn't have dragged Zack along to this. He had done the wrong thing for the wrong reason. There was nothing redeemable for Cloud to latch on to.
Once the play was finished and the lights filled the auditorium Sephiroth rose and said, "Cloud, I want you to meet someone," in a commanding voice.
Cloud, out of instinct, obeyed, pulling Zack along with him. They were a fair bit behind Sephiroth as it was difficult to weave through the mass of people when one wasn't graced with a natural height advantage and an air of great importance. Those two things just seemed to naturally part the sea of people in front of Sephiroth. Wherever he went it always seemed like he was in a greater rush than you, and thus it was your prerogative to get out of his way.
So Cloud had a hard time keeping up, particularly when Zack slowed down defiantly as they passed the banquet table. "Cloud, please - let me grab some of that! It smells so good!"
Cloud yanked on Zack's arm, "C'mon Zack. You ever think with anything other than your stomach?"
"You know I do. I thought with little Zack before, which is why I'm so hungry now. Satisfying you is a big job," he chuckled.
"Zack, please," begged Cloud, at the height of embarrassment.
"Just go on without me. I'll catch you right up. I'll bring you a plate of something good."
Cloud's head ping-ponged between Zack and Sephiroth. He groaned, "Alright, but don't take too long."
Zack planted a kiss on Cloud's cheek. "I'll be with you in a moment, Sunshine," and dashed off to raid the table before all the best and most popular dishes were completely gone.
Cloud was able to weave through the crowd more effectively without dragging Zack along behind himself. He found Sephiroth bee-lining towards a large crowd near the stage doors.
He caught up to Sephiroth, somewhat breathlessly.
"It looks like you lost your guard dog to the lure of food. What a shame that he seems so disobedient," chuckled Sephiroth quietly.
"We never got a chance to eat before we left because we were busy," growled Cloud.
An appalled huff left Sephiroth's throat and they were nearly upon the throng of people before them.
The crowd seemed to consist of the actors from the play, but also some stage hands, lighting crew and the orchestra conductor. Everyone seemed to be hovering around, and admiring a tall man with auburn hair.
The man at the center of everyone's attention took notice of Sephiroth approaching. The smile he had been wearing only grew broader with beaming fondness. He seemed to excuse and extricated himself from the throng of people.
"Sephiroth!"
"Genesis!"
The two men shared a very warm embrace and Sephiroth kissed the man on his cheek as they pulled apart.
Genesis seemed surprised for a moment before speaking.
"Aren't you feeling affectionate this evening," came the man's light laugh. "You are looking very fetching tonight."
"As do you, Genesis," Sephiroth's smokey voice breathed.
Cloud noted the way both men were eyeing each other off. Some strange heat and tightness stirred in Cloud's stomach.
"I am so very glad that you were able to make it to my little production. And you brought a friend as well?" The man's smile somehow managed to widen even more as he looked over towards Cloud.
"Of course. I do keep company outside of you," said Sephiroth with some bemusement. He turned to Cloud to start the introductions. "This man is the heart and soul of all creative works that happen in this establishment." Sephiroth stated proudly, while wrapping his arm around Genesis' waist and pulling him closer towards Cloud.
"Really? You put this whole thing together?" Cloud was somewhat impressed.
"Well with the help of the cast and crew and and a myriad of volunteer groups from around the hospital." Genesis looked rather self satisfied.
"Hey, hey! I'm back! What'd I miss?" beamed Zack as he lightly bounded up to and halted at Cloud's side.
Zack handed a plate laden with chicken nuggets, spinach puffs and salad to Cloud. "Here, I thought you might like something green on your plate."
Cloud took it with appreciation and looked at Zack's own harvest. It was brimming and piled high with meats and pastries. Both of the sweet and savory variety. "Maybe you should have gotten some greens for yourself as well," suggested Cloud.
Zack just gave a loud cheerful "Nah," and popped a cocktail sausage into his mouth.
"So, really, what I miss?" inquired Zack, turning his gaze towards Sephiroth and the stranger.
"We were just doing introductions," said Sephiroth with disgust in his voice at seeing Zack stuffing his face.
"Genesis Rhapsodos," the auburn haired man introduced himself. He stuck an elegant hand out towards Zack, who took it warmly, grinning through a mouthful of food.
"Zack Fair."
"It is a pleasure to meet you," Genesis said with warmth and then turned his eyes onto Cloud.
"And this?"
Cloud put on his best smile and he went to take Genesis' hand in greeting.
"This is my boyfriend," Zack boasted.
Pleasant shivers ran through Cloud's body at hearing Zack introduce him like that. 'Boyfriend' - Cloud never had one of those - nor had he ever been one either. He would have loved to linger on those thoughts and the ramifications of everything it meant, but as Zack told Genesis Cloud's name, the warm and amicable handshake suddenly turned stiff, and Cloud felt the grip tightened ever so slightly before they disengaged.
Genesis' smile was still fastidiously in place, yet Cloud got the impression that the other man wanted to frown very badly.
"Again it is a pleasure to meet you," Genesis said amicably, but only looked at Zack.
Cloud was not happy about this. "Zack, Genesis was just telling me about how he worked on putting this whole production together."
"You? Really?"
Genesis just smiled.
"Genesis is a man of many talents. He also heads the research department."
"My forte is genetics. However my true purpose and passions have always lain amidst the arts. Royal Hope Gardens has one of the best performing arts budgets, which makes this place my dream come true."
"You worked really hard on making that budget stretch and grow though, Genesis."
As Sephiroth continued to sing his praise for the other man Genesis smiled at him with a great deal of fondness.
Cloud felt a little bit nauseated at how sweet Sephiroth was being and couldn't wait for them to be able to go home. But the evening just seemed to stretch on and on.
"But come now, Sephiroth, let us not bore your guests with such talk. I am curious to know how you enjoyed the production."
Sephiroth drew closer to Genesis, slung his arm around the other man and casually asked, "Yes, how did you enjoy the play, Zack?" The mock was evident in his face.
Cloud wanted to fall off the edge of the world with how uncomfortable he was feeling right now. He had completely lost his appetite, but attempted to nibble on a nugget to give him something to do.
"Oh it was awesome! Who does the costumes?"
"They were all designed by myself, though we have a sewing group in the hospital who then create the garments out of whatever scraps are given or get donated."
"You get a lot of it is from thrift stores, too?"
"Some of the more elaborate pieces, yes. I work on those myself to help embellish and really make them stand out."
"Amazing. What about the set dressing? Who's in charge of planning that out?"
"Me as well," boasted Genesis. He seemed to enjoy Zack's enthusiasm.
Cloud's appetite returned as he listened to Zack and Genesis talk about the finer details of stage production. Zack might have fallen asleep but he had also paid attention when he had been awake.
His heart swelled with pride as he listened to Zack telling Genesis about all the productions the children at the church were planning. Genesis gave Zack some pearls of wisdom around working within a constrained budget and making the most out of it through creative use of lighting and thin fabrics.
Cloud thought Sephiroth looked somewhat disgruntled that those two were able to have a highly productive conversation.
That was immensely satisfying.
Zack had finished eating all his food, while enraptured and nodding eagerly at Genesis' ideas. His now free arm had wrapped around Cloud's waist and his hand had worked it's way underneath Cloud's shirt. Tender fingers traced small, warm circles along the soft and sensitive skin of Cloud's lower abdomen.
Zack's actions seemed to draw Sephiroth closer to Genesis. He asked prying questions in some sort of a bid to paint Zack in a bad light. When that didn't seem to be working he began ignoring Zack completely. And while Sephiroth was ignoring Zack, Cloud got the distinct vibe that Genesis was working very hard at avoiding Cloud.
Cloud's discomfort only grew.
But eventually, much to his relief, Genesis bade them all a goodnight and encouraged them to come along to all future productions.
As Genesis exited, the remaining three men shifting uncomfortably now that the only reason to appear civil towards each other had left them alone.
Cloud stifled a yawn, but Zack took it as a reason to leave.
"Well it looks like that's our cue to get out of here. Need to get Cloud to bed. We've got very busy days ahead of us. Thanks for inviting us. Genesis had some really fantastic ideas. I can't wait to pass it all on to Aerith," beamed Zack. "It was fun! Ciao, Seph," he let fly casually.
Zack waved at him with one hand, and maneuvering Cloud towards the doors with his other. That hand had been firmly planted around Cloud's hips. Zack had even sunk himself deep into Cloud's front jeans pocket, where he had been fondly stroking Cloud's thigh for the last 10 minutes.
Cloud was fully aware of what had transpired between his past and his future that whole evening. Zack and Sephiroth had battled each other in two very distinct ways. And it had made him deeply uncomfortable.
Cloud was so relieved to be leaving. He could easily decipher the disdain in Sephiroth's eyes and he felt bad for it as they left.
Once they were out amongst fresh air Cloud rounded on Zack. "What the hell was that in there?"
"What?" Zack questioned innocently.
"You know what," Cloud pouted somewhat.
"No I don't. Tell me." Zack's hands landed on Cloud's waist and they looked at each other.
"Why did you have to tell Sephiroth about us… you know..."
"I didn't say anything. I just… implied."
Cloud frowned. "Why?"
"Because it's none of his business why we aren't there right on the dot when he expects us. We're adults and we can do whatever we want."
"But it was embarrassing. You embarrassed me, Zack. You… fell asleep… ," Cloud's eyes drifted. He felt awful. Why was he being such a dick to Zack?
"I didn't do it on purpose," Zack sulked. "Well, the falling asleep part anyway."
Hands left Cloud's sides, leaving him feeling inexplicably cold.
This was stupid. His past was coming in between them again. Cloud's eyes snapped up defiantly. He threw his arms around Zack and pulled the man close against himself.
"I'm sorry," Cloud muffled against Zack who's arms were once again around Cloud. "You did good. I'm sorry I dragged you out here."
"Nothing to be sorry about. I had a good time, really. But yeah… just… a little bit sleepy from no food and some really great sex."
Cloud's face heated up, and desire fluttered through his core. He pulled back from Zack, took his hand and lead the way back to their bikes slowly.
"You and Genesis seemed to get on really well."
Zack beamed a massive grin. "That was a really amazing opportunity to grill someone like that. Oh! Oh! I need to flick Aerith an e-mail before I forget all that stuff!"
Zack rambled on with great enthusiasm all the way to their bikes.