William's entire body is covered with the punishments he'd given himself for the crime of existing, and it's obvious they will not heal quickly. Rebecca gives him a long list of things he is not supposed to do right now, and William hangs his head and promises to behave. He is still not sure if Desmond is safe with him around, but no one else seems to want him gone. Desmond, least of all.

He spends the next morning with the baby, closeted away in Desmond's tiny room. One of the assassins has given Desmond a set of soft blocks with letters carefully stitched onto the sides. Desmond seems mostly interested in hitting them together, shrieking in laughter when he loses his grip and sends one flying at the wall.

William lets him play without interruption. He lies sprawled out on the floor next to the baby, gently playing with his impossibly tiny feet, working up the courage to pick him up and hold him again. It's still sort of hard to believe Desmond isn't burning at his touch, as he had in William's dream. It had all seemed so horrifyingly real at the time, and William thinks that in some ways it had been. The man in his dreams is a part of him and his past (or future), someone he had once been and is terrified that he will one day be again.

Slowly, William runs his fingers up Desmond's leg, touching gently because he's still afraid of what he can do with his own hands. This is the point when Desmond decides he's bored with blocks, and flips from his stomach to his back, smiling broadly at the achievement. He looks so proud that William finds himself smiling back without any conscious thought. Desmond makes a happy burbling noise and thrusts his arms into the air, watching William expectantly. William takes a deep breath, screwing up his courage before sitting up and pulling Desmond into his lap. The baby leans back against his stomach, babbling on and on in baby talk as though the sounds actually have some kind of meaning.

When Desmond stops for breath, William leans down and hugs him, carefully, tight but not tight enough to hurt him. His own injuries protest at the movement, but William barely notices. Desmond giggles and sticks a hand up and into William's face. It smells like milk and baby powder, a familiar scent by now, and it makes William smile.

"I wish I had a camera right now."

William looks up, surprised to remember that Shaun is nearby, a constant if atypically silent watchdog. He's grateful for the oversight, even if he won't admit it.

"Mine's broken," he mumbles, dropping his eyes.

"I know," Shaun says. "You smashed it into a wall. Do you want to talk about that?"

"You're gonna make me whether I want to or not, aren't you?"

"Probably," Shaun admits. I'm worried about you, because I know that camera was important to you, but you still smashed it up without considering the consequences."

"Desmond gave it to me," William says. In his lap, Desmond looks up at the sound of his name.

"Yea," Shaun says. "I know, that's exactly my point. Why would you-"

"I don't deserve it," William says, all in a rush before he can lose his nerve. He tries to explain, to make Shaun understand. "I hurt him. Why was he nice to me? He should have been so mean." He looks up at Shaun, hoping that the man can give him the explanation he so desperately needs. "Why?"

"I don't know," Shaun says. William nods, already half turning away as he feels the hopeful expression fall from his face. It's the answer he'd expected, because after all there can be no good explanation for Desmond's kindness.

"Hey," Shaun says, catching him gently by the shoulder and turning William back around. "I wasn't done yet. I don't know why Desmond forgave you, but the fact is that he did. That still matters, whatever his exact reasons were."

"But I don't deserve it!"

"You're missing the point," Shaun says, and he sounds frustrated, almost angry. "Forgiveness isn't something you earn. It's just given, whether you think you should have it or not."

"But that was when he was bigger," William argues. "If I hurt him again, now that he's little, he'll hate me again."

"So don't hurt him!" Shaun says. "It's not that hard."

"I'm scared," William says. "What if it's an accident? What if I can't help it? What if I just lose control and get angry?" What if he wants to hurt Desmond again, the way he had in his dream?

Shaun scoffs. "Don't be ridiculous," he says. "You're better than that."

It shouldn't be comforting. Shaun is sarcastic and weird and sometimes mean, but he sounds like he has so much confidence in William that it actually makes him feel better. For a few seconds, anyway. Then he remembers the camera, and he turns sad again. "I wish I hadn't done it," he says. "Broken the camera."

"Yes," Shaun agrees. "That was wrong of you. Desmond gave that to you as a gift, and you threw it away because you got mad. You can't ever take that back."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" Because it's not working. He feels more miserable than before, if anything.

"No," Shaun says. "I want you to know that there are still consequences to what you've done."

As if he doesn't know that already, from every angry wound on his body, and the ever growing guilt in his chest. He nods anyway.

"But… I also need you to know that it's not all your fault. We shouldn't have left you alone to figure things out. Rebecca and I are going to make sure we're around more from now on. You shouldn't have to deal with this all by yourself."

"Thank you," William says. They're not exactly what he wants, but Desmond is in no position to help him, and he can at least admit that he needs someone. Shaun and Rebecca are still better than most people would be.

"Here," Shaun says, and William frowns as the man hands him something. Desmond reaches out happily to grab it, and Shaun smiles as he avoids the baby's grasping fingers. "Not for you, Des."

It's a picture, and William recognizes it by the worn edges and bent corners even before he turns it over to see the image itself. It's the picture Shaun had taken of him and (the still adult) Desmond back in the temple. "How did you get this?" William demands. "I left it behind before we came here!"

"I picked it up and brought it with," Shaun says. "You think I'd let you leave something that important behind? I've just been waiting for the right moment to give it back." He arches an eyebrow. "Are you going to lose it again?"

"No!" William says. "Never." He holds the picture out so that Desmond can see it, but can't quite reach it with his constantly sticky fingers. "Look," he says quietly. "It's me and you, see?"

Desmond cuddles against his chest and smiles at the picture.

-/-

Later that night, when Desmond has been fed and bathed and put to sleep, William retreats back to his tiny room. The light on one lamp is not enough to chase the shadows or memories of the night before away. He huddles on his bed, tired but too afraid to actually close his eyes.

The photo Shaun had given back to him is pinned on the wall next to his bed, but while it had been a comfort and a relief when he'd gotten it back, now… well, now it is a threat. Be better, or else. Desmond deserves better. And besides, this is the room where he'd had the nightmare, where the old memories and demons had gotten inside his head and turned everything upside down. The shards of broken camera on the floor have been cleaned up at some point, but William can still see them in his mind. When he closes his eyes, he doesn't see darkness, he sees the face of his older self, staring and leering, urging him back toward hatred.

"William?"

He jumps and presses himself against the wall, banging his elbow so that it starts to sting. It hurts a lot and he pulls it close to his chest in a frightened and defensive move. He sniffs a little and looks up to see Rebecca standing in the doorway.

"Hi," he manages to say at last.

"How do you feel?" She crosses the small room in three steps and climbs up on his bed next to him.

"Fine," he lies.

"You're not tired?"

"I am," he says, and when she puts her arm around his shoulders, he leans his head against her side. His eyes keep trying to close, but he won't let them. He's too afraid.

"Are you scared?" she asks.

William almost says no, but it's too big of a lie and in the end he can't. He just stays quiet and still.

"It's okay if you're scared," she says. "I'm scared, too."

"Why?" He tilts his head up to look at her more closely. "What do you have to be scared for?"

"Because I want you to be happy," Rebecca says. "I want Desmond to be happy. I want both of you to be safe, and I don't know if I can protect you from the bad guys outside."

"What about the bad guy in my head?" William asks, and Rebecca hugs him closer. "I'm…" he manages to admit it now. "I'm scared he's going to come back if I go to sleep again."

"You have to sleep sometime."

"I don't want to!"

She's quiet for a moment, thinking this over. Then she pulls away from William, dropping off the bed. "Becca!" he protests. He's not ready for her to go yet.

"I'll be right back," she promises. "Don't worry."

But he does worry, and he doesn't stop for the five or ten minutes he's left waiting on his own before Rebecca comes back and rejoins him on the bed. "I forgot to give this to you," she says. "Katherine brought it when she came to visit. I mean, technically she brought it for Desmond, but I think you need it more than he does."

It's a teddy bear, and William frowns at first it and then Rebecca. "I can't take Desmond's toys," he protests.

"Desmond has enough toys," Rebecca says. "Think of it like a present from Katherine and Desmond, if that helps."

"I broke the last present Desmond gave me."

"Then be more careful with this one."

He takes the bear carefully. It's soft and brown, the perfect size for holding. "Thank you."

"Of course," she says, and helps him lie down under the sheets. "Are you going to be okay if I leave?"

"I think so," he says, even though he's not exactly sure. But she takes him at his word and leaves, switching off the light on her way out but leaving the door open just in case. William closes his eyes, tight, tight, tight, to block out the nightmares. And he hugs the bear close, something to anchor him and keep him safe, because it is a reminder that for some strange reason, there are people in the world that love him.

-/-

A few weeks pass in relative peace, and things start to get a little bit better. At the end of July, as temperatures soar to unseasonably high temperatures, William starts to get restless. He's been confined to the house more or less constantly since he'd had the nightmare and hurt himself, but eventually Rebecca comes to inform him that they're going to spend the day shopping.

Shopping is boring, but it's still better than staying trapped in the house so William agrees at once. "What are we shopping for?" he asks when they're in the car, speeding away from the safehouse he hasn't left in far too long.

"You," Rebecca says.

"What?" he stares at her from the backseat. "Why?"

"Well, there's a couple of reasons," Rebecca says. "First, me and Shaun have been talking lately. We want to get you some stuff from your room so it doesn't look so empty. Would you like that?"

William nods, cautious because he's expecting a catch, but also excited because he wants to be able to personalize his room a little.

"And… we need to get you some school supplies."

There's the catch. "School!" he almost shouts his objection, jerking forward so quickly his seat belt catches him and pulls him back. "I don't want to go to school!" School means other kids, it means trying to pretend he's normal when he's anything but, it means leaving Desmond, it means being on his own for the first time he can remember.

"I know," Rebecca says. "But we're kind of in a tight spot here. Shaun and I have managed to piss off- make one of the neighbors angry."

"I heard," William says. It would be hard not to- they shout insults and arguments across the street at the neighbor in question every time one of them leaves the house. It had started around the same time as his nightmare, and had only gotten worse from there. "So? What does that have to do with me going to school?"

"He's trying to get us evicted," Rebecca explains. "Doing everything he can think of to get us kicked out of the neighborhood. So we need to keep our heads down and follow the rules for a little while. You're eight. That means you should be enrolled in school when it starts this year."

"I don't want to go to school though! Why can't we just leave?"

Rebecca only shakes her head. "This is one of our last safe houses in North America, and we can't afford to lose it."

"But-"

"Especially not to some Rupert Fucking Westing-Smithe," she adds, angrily enough that William can tell this has gotten personal, and quietly enough that he can tell he wasn't supposed to hear. Cowed slightly, he pretends that he hasn't and argues no more as they drive on.

Once he accepts that school is going to be non negotiable, the day turns out to be not so bad. They start with school supplies, and William has fun running to find every new item Rebecca reds off her list. Sometimes she sends him back for something slightly different, but sometimes she lets him keep what he has even if the list says no- the folder with the cartoon dinosaurs on it instead of plain colors is okay, but the giant box of crayons with the sharpener in the back is not.

Then they switch stores, and spend an hour or so looking for things to make William's room look a little less bland. Rebecca warns him that they don't have a lot of money to spend, but they find a bright green rug that squishes between William's toes when he pulls off his shoes to try it out, and a bedspread with purple aliens that clashes horribly with the rug. The last thing they buy is a string of lights in funny geometric shapes to hang on the wall.

"Strange collections of stuff you have here," Rebecca says, eyeing their purchases warily. "Are you sure you don't want it all to match more?"

William shakes his head. "I don't know what I like yet," he explains. "I only have a few months of memory, so I need to try everything to find out if I like it."

For a second it almost looks like Rebecca is going to feel sorry for him, and William groans inside the privacy of his head. He's so tired of everyone feeling sorry for him- today, he just wants to forget about all the weirdness and be normal for a little while. It has been working until just now, and William gets ready to argue until Rebecca suddenly grins. "I know something you need to try, then," she says. "Somewhere I know you've never been, and I guarantee you'll like it a lot." And she says absolutely nothing else as they finish checking out and loading up the car, no matter how much William begs.

-/-

Rebecca is right. They get to the ice cream parlour and William falls in love at once. He tells Rebecca he wants a cone, but she orders him a sundae anyway. Then she helps him eat it. By the time they reach the bottom of the bowl, WIliam's whole face and both hands are sticky, along with most of the table. He laughs as Rebecca runs a wet napkin over his hand and across his face- she retaliates by tossing it right at his face, where it sticks.

"Hey!"

But he's not really upset, he's happy even, and he's still smiling when he pulls the dirty napkin away from his eyes. "I want to remember this forever," he tells her.

"Sure," she shrugs. "Or we can just do it again sometime."

He gapes. "We can do this again?"

She laughs and messes his hair. "Come on," she says. "One more stop."

Again, she won't tell him what's going on even when he asks and asks and asks. They get back in the car and drive for several minutes before stopping in front of an electronics store. William frowns, expecting some boring computer stuff. "Why are we here?"

"You're getting a cell phone," she explains. "You need to go to school, but you also need a way to get in touch with us if something goes wrong, or someone finds you while you're away from home."

"Like who, exactly?" William asks. He knows there's someone chasing them, but he doesn't understand who or why. The most he's gotten so far is a 'we'll tell you when you're older', which doesn't help much.

"Bad guys," Rebecca says, which helps even less. He groans, and she gives him a look that's much more serious than he's used to getting from her. "It's just complicated," she says. "And this isn't the right time to explain."

They get out of the car and head inside, only making it a few feet past the door before a man with a bright shirt stops Rebecca and starts on a breathless rant about sales and new products and William doesn't know what else. She stops him before he can get too far, pointing down at William. "I just need a cheap phone for him."

"Oh," the man says, clearly disapproving. "How old is he?"

"Eight."

"Don't you think your son is a little young for a cell phone, ma'am?" the man asks, in a voice that says he clearly does.

The conversation grinds to a halt for a moment as William and Rebecca both take in the monumental mistake the man has made in their relationship. Then Rebecca, in a strained voice, says, "I think that is definitely my business, not yours."

The salesman backs down, and quickly enough he and Rebecca have agreed on a cheap model. After paying, Rebecca pulls the top off the box and passes the phone down to William. He studies it in silence as they head back outside.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. But emergencies only, okay?"

"Okay." He turns the phone over a few more times before flipping it open and slowly reading through the menus. Halfway through the list, he looks excitedly up at Rebecca. "There's a camera?"

She laughs. "Yes. And that you can use."

"Really?"

"Really."

He takes pictures of everything on the way home, mostly blurry snapshots of the road outside his window. The phone camera is nowhere near as good as the one he'd gotten from Desmond, the one that is nothing but broken shards of plastic now, but it's good enough. When they get back, he helps Rebecca unload his stuff, and then when everything is stored in his room, William runs next door to Desmond's.

The baby is asleep, and William knows better than to wake him up in the middle of a nap. So he turns the flash off and stands on his toes to reach over the top of the crib. It's not a comfortable position, but it's enough.

Later, William flips through the pictures, studying each one individually and deciding they're perfect. He curls up on his bed, on top of the brand new bedspread with the funny purple aliens, and realizes that he's missed taking pictures.

-/-

Longer than average chapter, because there's a reviewer that keeps asking for teddy bears and it seemed like too good an idea to pass up. So I had to go back in and add one. xD