"...I shall begin directly by asking you what made you so unwilling to come to the point at last. What made you so shy of me, when you first called, and afterwards dined here? Why, especially, when you called, did you look as if you did not care about me?"
"Because you were grave and silent, and gave me no encouragement."
"But I was embarrassed."
"And so was I."
- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 60
(11)
"Papa, when were you planning to inform me that you had told Mr. Darcy everything?" Elizabeth demanded when she visited her father's study the morning after her return.
"It sounds as though I did not need to," her father replied, not looking up from the book he was reading.
"Only because you left me in a very uncomfortable position."
Mr. Bennet waved his hand absently, "You seem to have survived."
"What are you scheming?" she asked sharply.
Mr. Bennet quirked a brow but still did not look up. "I do not know what you are speaking of," he said innocently.
"Papa!" Elizabeth cried in exasperation.
Mr. Bennet finally glanced up with a twinkle in his eye. "Fine, I will admit it. Let us just say that I would do your mother proud if she knew."
Elizabeth stared at him suspiciously but did not speak.
"How long would you have maintained your silence if you had not been caught off guard?" her father asked.
"There is nothing wrong with being cautious."
"You have always made decisions with your heart. Do not let what you have been required to see and do change that."
Elizabeth sighed. "Perhaps I have merely grown more sensible."
"No Lizzy, you have always been sensible, but never too serious or overly cautious. I fear that you have become world-weary, and I do not like it. I do not believe Mr. Darcy would be here yet if he did not wish to be. I do not want to see you pass up a chance at happiness because of whatever it is that is holding you back."
"Papa, even if he cares for me, that does not mean he would be willing to marry me. What if he simply wished to see for himself that I am well, and now he will be on his way? What if I have hurt him too badly, too many times?"
"Well, then I would expect him to leave soon. If he stays, perhaps he is merely waiting for a sign from you that you wish for him to be here. I must say, you were quite out of sorts yesterday, and it made you quite solemn. That does not offer much encouragement."
Elizabeth threw her hands in the air. "I was out of sorts because of my surprise, which was because of you! Since when have you become a matchmaker?"
Mr. Bennet smirked, "Since my second daughter has become too dense to see what is so obvious to me. Though I must admit, this has all been highly entertaining. Perhaps I shall take up your mother's cause permanently."
Elizabeth shook her head at her father. He was such a strange mix of jovial and serious, earnest and mocking, that even she could not always understand him.
Elizabeth found herself excessively disappointed when Mr. Bingley arrived alone later that morning. He made the excuse of pressing business for his friend.
"He will be missed, I am sure," Mrs. Bennet said insincerely. "However, we are delighted to have you, Mr. Bingley."
"Thank you, ma'am. I am delighted to be here," he replied happily, taking his seat by Jane.
They spoke of dinner from the evening before, with Mr. Bingley offering his compliments to Mrs. Bennet on the excellent dishes offered, and the matron preening under his attention. They spoke of the neighborhood in general and Mr. Bingley's enjoyment on having returned.
Precisely fifteen minutes after he had entered the parlour, Mr. Bingley commented on the lovely weather and asked if Miss Bennet would like to take a turn in the gardens.
Mrs. Bennet appeared to barely restrain herself from clapping in delight.
"Certainly, sir. Lizzy, will you join us?" Jane asked, since her mother would not choose to send a chaperone.
Elizabeth saw the slight disappointment on Mr. Bingley's face and her mother about to object. "Of course, Jane. Let us go gather our things," she said quickly, standing with her sister and moving toward the door, cutting off her mother's interference.
She heard her Mrs. Bennet excuse herself and follow them into the hall.
"Lizzy!" Mrs. Bennet whispered rather loudly. Elizabeth turned to look at her mother. "Do not feel that you need to stay close to them the whole time. Give him a chance to speak!"
Elizabeth allowed her eyes to roll a little as she replied, "Of course, Mama," though she fully intended to have Jane's approval for the scheme before doing it. She turned back and followed a blushing Jane to their room.
"Do you wish to be given time alone with Mr. Bingley?" Elizabeth asked her sister as they gathered boots, bonnets, gloves, and spencers. "Are you prepared for him to propose?"
Jane blushed deeper, "I would not object, though he may simply wish to take a friendly turn about the gardens. I know he enjoys autumn weather."
Elizabeth laughed outright. "I do not think that is his plan at all. He could barely contain himself for a polite fifteen minutes. No Jane, I am quite certain he is hoping to ask for your hand. If you are ready to answer him, I will make a point of wandering off."
Jane smiled her appreciation. They quickly returned to the front hall, where Mr. Bingley was now awaiting them.
He gave the ladies a genuine smile as he offered his arms to both of them. "It is a lovely day to escort such lovely ladies."
Jane blushed again, but Elizabeth held in a laugh. He might have referred to them both in his speech, but he was only looking adoringly at Jane. She did not think he would notice even the most obvious contrivance to leave them alone.
"Perhaps Jane has already asked you, but will your sisters be joining you at Netherfield, Mr. Bingley?" Elizabeth asked as they descended the steps to the lawn.
"They are in Scarborough for another fortnight, Miss Elizabeth. Their plans are not firmly set after that, and I do not know if they will join me here or head for the Hurst's townhouse in London."
He sounded innocent enough, but Elizabeth wondered if he had not told them where he would be, hoping to announce his location with his engagement to prevent any further interference.
"I believe you said they are visiting family?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes, that is where my family originates from. My parents have been gone a few years now, but we still have two aunts who live with their families there."
"How good of all of you to visit. If your aunts have large families I imagine it is more difficult for them to travel," Jane said sweetly.
"They do have larger families, but their husbands were also my father's partners. He sold his share of the business to them. It is rather difficult for them to be gone for any length of time."
Jane smiled, "Much like our Uncle Gardiner."
Mr. Bingley offered her another enamoured smile, seemingly pleased every time he heard her voice. Elizabeth noticed that they had entered the gardens, and the view was quite pretty. The late flowers were in full bloom, and a light breeze was drifting through. It seemed an excellent place to leave them, and offered an excuse as well.
"Jane, I do believe the breakfast parlour was in need of fresh blossoms. If you do not mind, I shall fetch my basket and shears. I shall only be a few minutes."
Jane blushed. "Of course, Lizzy."
Elizabeth released Mr. Bingley's arm, bobbed a quick curtsy, and left the lovers to themselves. She took the long way around to the still room and walked slowly, determined to give them plenty of time.
She retrieved her basket and wandered back in the direction of the garden, clipping a few flowers and humming as she went to give them a little more time and a warning. She began to hear soft murmurs behind the hedge, then Mr. Bingley and Jane emerged, both with elated, dreamy smiles.
"Miss Elizabeth!" Mr. Bingley exclaimed with a delighted smile. "Your sister has just agreed to make me the happiest of men!"
"I am very happy for you both," Elizabeth replied sincerely. "I shall be quite pleased to call you brother, Mr. Bingley."
Mr. Bingley responded in kind, then excused himself to speak to their father.
The ladies followed him more slowly as he walked swiftly into the house.
"Jane, I do not wish to cast any sort of shadow over your happiness, but do you think Mr. Bingley will be very shocked by my history?" Elizabeth asked with trepidation.
Jane replied quietly, "I did tell him that I would happily marry him, but that he must speak with Papa first, even though I am of age, as I wished for him to know our family's situation. I could not tell him myself. I could not bear to hear his initial reaction should he be too shocked. He assured me that he loves me more than anything, and I very much wish to believe him. Only, I think he assumes that it is my dowry or something like it that I am warning him about." She paused. "Oh, I do not know, Lizzy! What do you think?" she asked desperately.
"I think it is a good sign that he came back for you. Even if Papa does not give him many details, though, it will be a lot for a man to take in."
They were both quiet as they reached the house. Elizabeth turned to Jane before they crossed the threshold. "Jane, I cannot begin to express how sorry I will be if I have ruined your chance at happiness."
"Oh Lizzy!" Jane cried with tears in her eyes. "You know as well as I do that this is not your fault. I have faith in him, and if proves false then…" she trailed off, unable to finish.
Elizabeth reached her hand for Jane's and squeezed. "Come, we shall hope for the best."
They went to their room to wait, afraid that Mrs. Bennet would know why Mr. Bingley was missing but had not taken his leave. It was only a short time before they were disturbed by Mrs. Hill knocking at the door, telling them that their father wished for them in his study.
"Congratulations, Jane, I am very happy for you," Mr. Bennet said as soon as they had entered.
"Thank you, Papa!" Jane replied with a relieved smile, her eyes already turned toward Mr. Bingley.
Elizabeth saw the happy smile on Mr. Bingley's face and turned in surprise toward her father, who shrugged. She turned and offered her own congratulations to the couple, who were now standing together with Jane's arm nestled in Mr. Bingley's.
"Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. Jane has made me the happiest of men."
"And you are not concerned about my history?" Elizabeth asked tentatively.
"Your father has said that you are quite finished with it, so there is not much danger anymore. Besides, I cannot imagine a circumstance that would cause me to ever leave Jane again," he replied with a smile toward his fiancée.
"I am glad to hear that, sir."
"Shall we go tell the rest of the family?" asked Mr. Bennet.
As the newly acknowledged couple moved eagerly to share their good news, Elizabeth held back for a moment.
"Just like that?" she asked. "He seems completely unconcerned."
"He had very few questions. I do not think him a naturally curious man, and he is rather trusting. He is a match for Jane that way. How they will not be swindled by every servant they have, I do not know," her father replied dryly.
"He is rather rich. Hopefully that is enough," Elizabeth replied cheekily.
Her father laughed. They reached the parlour in time to hear Mrs. Bennet's rather loud effusions of delight. She offered for Mr. Bingley to stay for supper, which he declined for his friend's sake. They settled on two nights hence, as the Netherfield gentlemen were invited to the Goulding's the following evening.
Elizabeth found herself disappointed again the next day when Mr. Bingley called alone. She did not understand why Mr. Darcy would stay in the area, yet bury himself in his business matters. Why would he ignore her if he was interested in courting her? It seemed he was not interested, and maintained his residence at Netherfield for some other reason, regardless of what her father said.
Though she forced herself to smile and laugh in all of the right places, her mind was not on the conversation at hand. Jane must have noticed her absent mindedness, however, because she asked about it that night as they undressed.
"Is there something the matter, Lizzy? You do not seem content, and I am worried for you."
"I am sorry Jane. I do not wish to detract from your current well-deserved happiness. There is nothing much the matter with me, other than a little melancholy."
"I should not wish to be selfish in my happiness. What has made you discontent?"
When Elizabeth hesitated, she spoke again. "Is it hard to leave the excitement of what you have done behind? Do you find it less than satisfying?"
"No, I do not wish for a faster life, I am quite satisfied to be done with spying forever."
"Then what is it?"
"You will think me quite selfish, Jane. I am jealous of what you have found with Mr. Bingley because I doubt the possibility for myself. I think of the years stretching out, living with Mama and her incessant need to marry us off, and it leaves me discontent."
"Why should you not marry some day?"
"How many gentlemen would be willing to overlook my past occupation? It is not as though I can hide it from a future husband; he must be told. While your Mr. Bingley does not mind it in his future sister, what if it were his future wife? Do you think he would have been so easy about it? Besides, a man of Mr. Bingley's nature is a wonderful partner for you, but he would not be for me. He avoids conflict, and I challenge everything. I would not be happy with a man who did not do that himself, who did not answer that challenge. A man like that would not be so easy going. No Jane, the odds of me marrying are very slim."
Jane was thoughtful for a minute before she replied. "While I do not agree that it will be difficult for you to find a gentleman with whom you can share mutual respect and affection and who is willing to accept your past, even if you cannot, you need not live with Mama forever. You will always be welcome to stay with me indefinitely."
"And shall I teach your children to climb trees and embroider cushions very ill?" Elizabeth asked with a saucy smile.
Jane returned a rare smirk. "Perhaps I will make it my mission to introduce you to eligible gentlemen until I prove you wrong."
"No!" Elizabeth said in mock horror. "Not you too, Jane!"
They both laughed, and Elizabeth felt somewhat better. Though she was still anxious over Mr. Darcy, she was relieved that she would not need to live with her mother forever.
Darcy took a calming breath as he and Bingley presented themselves to Mrs. Hill. After the previous dinner, he had settled in his mind that he would visit every second day. That would allow him to call as a neighbor with his friend without exciting too much interest. When Bingley brought this invitation to him, set for the third day, he decided it was better to wait rather than call two days together. The delay had risen his anticipation to heights that had him nearly bursting.
He greeted the family in general, then offered his congratulations to Miss Bennet. She barely had a chance to offer her thanks before Mrs. Bennet offered her own in excess.
"Oh, thank you Mr. Darcy! We are quite pleased, I must say. I always knew my Jane could not be so beautiful for nothing! Now she shall marry such a handsome man, and live so well, and I shall be able to visit her every day! We are so very pleased."
Darcy was determined to hold his face neutral and not allow the cringe he felt show. He could not imagine living within daily-visiting distance of Mrs. Bennet, though a glance at his friend showed Bingley smiling contentedly. When he finally allowed himself to look at Elizabeth, he saw a slight grimace on her face, directed at her mother.
Mrs. Bennet soon directed her conversation to Bingley, and Darcy took advantage of the moment to sit in the chair next to Elizabeth's.
"Good day, Mr. Darcy," she said as soon as he was seated.
"Good day, Miss Elizabeth."
"It was kind of you to join us when you have been so occupied by business these past two days."
"Not all gentlemen are gentlemen of leisure, Miss Elizabeth," he replied stiffly, a little surprised by the coolness in her voice.
"I do not think anyone could accuse you of that, Mr. Darcy."
"I pride myself in being an active landlord." He almost cringed after he said it. She was not particularly fond of his pride.
"I imagine your tenants are very grateful."
"Content would be more what I am working to achieve. They were so under my father, and I wish to meet the same expectation." There, he had hopefully clarified his meaning.
"Yes, and I cannot fathom neglecting a family estate in days such as these."
He recognised his own words, then noticed the smirk about her mouth and the twinkle in her eye. It dawned on him, she was teasing!
"I do believe one must leave their estate in better condition than they received it," he replied seriously, barely keeping his mouth from smiling at her.
"For your children's future?"
"Nay, for the importance of my own legacy," he said gravely.
Elizabeth leaned back slightly, her mouth opened and closed, and she wrinkled her nose. Would she know that he was teasing in return?
He quirked a brow, and her eyes widened.
"Why Mr. Darcy, I do believe you have learned to tease," she finally said, delighted.
He smiled. "I had an excellent teacher."
He was rewarded with a beautiful smile that made his heart leap.
Mr. Bingley suggested a walk before dinner, which only Jane, Elizabeth and Darcy joined. They soon split into pairs, and Elizabeth and Darcy found themselves nearly alone again.
They began by speaking of trivial topics; primarily the weather and their sisters. Darcy cursed his poor conversational ability. He could not think of a way to ask what he wished to know without being blunt and obvious. Now that the moment was upon him, he found himself too much of a coward to ask her outright if she loved him enough to marry him. She had teased him last autumn and had not loved him. What if she was merely being kind?
"Are you happy to be back in Hertfordshire, Miss Elizabeth?" he asked awkwardly as they neared the house again.
"I am, sir." She hesitated, then said, "Knowing that I will not be compelled to leave again is satisfying."
"Is it your intent, then, to stay in Hertfordshire indefinitely?"If that was her plan, he would know that he was not a part of her future. Perhaps he had found a way to ask after all.
He held his breath until she answered. "It is not. I should perhaps have said that I will not leave again until it is my choice to do so. I am certain I will travel again, and I will likely live with Mr. Bingley and Jane eventually, who may not stay at Netherfield forever."
He sighed to himself. "I am happy for you, that you will always be near Miss Bennet, whom I know is your dearest sister."
Bingley and Jane had nearly caught up with them when he heard her say softly, "Yes, that is a comfort."
Her face did not express comfort, though, only sadness. She looked relieved when the other couple joined them near the door, and with one look at Jane, the sisters paired off and left the gentlemen to follow them.
Darcy did not have another chance to speak with Elizabeth that evening, but he did not miss the wistful expression he caught every time he would glance in her direction and she would quickly look away, nor her general avoidance of him. She had been pleased to see him when he had arrived, and now she was not.
He cursed himself again for his trepidation earlier. If he thought it was uncomfortable for him to speak, it was even more so for her. It was always the gentleman's place, even if she had proven that she was not above flouting convention. He sighed to himself. It was an excuse to hope she would speak first, and he knew it. He was absolutely determined to be frank at the next available opportunity.
Elizabeth wanted nothing more than to excuse herself to her room to wallow, but she stayed to go through the motions of the rest of the evening. When the gentlemen departed with an invitation for another dinner two days hence, much to her chagrin, she escaped upstairs.
She readied herself for bed quickly to avoid speaking to Jane. She could not bear to say out loud what was in her heart. Darcy had been nearly flirtatious with his teasing, then been given a perfect opportunity to let his intentions be known, and he had chosen to speak of nothing of importance. He had been pleased that she would have comfort in her spinsterhood.
It was too much.
Elizabeth rose as usual for her walk the next day, stopping in the kitchen for something to eat on her way out. She had no intention of returning for breakfast. Though she doubted he would visit, she could not face Mr. Darcy again and keep up the pretence of normalcy, and so planned to stay away until afternoon tea to be safe.
She felt like a coward.
Cook graciously ignored her pilfering of bread and cheese, sending her out the door with wishes for a pleasant walk and an enjoyable day.
Elizabeth was determined to enjoy the day. She was home, her family was safe, her sister had found her heart's desire, and it was a beautiful day for a walk. This was her home, and she would likely reside here for some time, even if Jane was happy to have her. Newlyweds who had married for love deserved time to themselves.
Hers was a lovely home, one a country-bred girl like herself appreciated for its space, its simplicity, its peace. Here, she knew the troubles and trials; she knew they all had a solution. Tenant disputes and illnesses, squabbling maids, lame animals, these were all things she was used to seeing and resolving. There were no political intrigues or traitorous citizens about. If she could simply avoid any visiting eligible bachelors for a while, she would find contentment. She always had before him and she was quite determined to now.
With that determination in her step, she quickly walked the familiar path to Oakham Mount to enjoy the sun's early beauty. She had missed sunrise, but the beginning part of day was always the most beautiful from that vantage point. Perhaps she would push herself out the door early enough on the morrow to enjoy it.
As she walked, she reveled in the fresh, flowery scent the breeze brought with from the meadow to her left, and sounds of the song birds in the trees to her right. She would check the apple grove on her way back, and offer to collect enough tomorrow for pies if they were ready. Her mother's table was famous for her fresh apple pies, and the season was just about right for them. They would make a lovely addition to dinner.
Elizabeth hummed and sang and danced her way up the path, finally breaking into a run for the last, steep incline, enjoying the breathlessness she felt at the top. This path, this hill, the woods below, these were all parts of her home that brought comfort, that brought peace when she felt overwhelmed. They had gotten her through the last three years, and they would get her through the next thirty if they needed to.
When tears threatened at the thought of spending the rest of her life alone, without love, she ran again as she reminded herself that she had love. She had her mother, her father, her sisters. She had Aunt and Uncle Gardiner and their children. Her cousins were dear little creatures, and she could imagine Jane and Mr. Bingley's children being just as sweet. She would have the love of children, even if they could not be her own.
Besides, she thought ruefully, there was always the hope of meeting another Mr. Collins.
Darcy did not wait till the second day this time, but was disappointed anyway. Elizabeth did not show at all during the gentlemen's visit. He suffered through an uncomfortable half hour with frustration rising. Was she avoiding him? Had he waited too long to come to the point and she had given up on him? Would she find an excuse to miss dinner the next day as well? He did not think her manners capable of it, yet he would not blame her.
He left Longbourn settling on a plan. He knew she walked frequently and far, and her family had almost made it sound as though they did not know where she was, yet they had been unconcerned. If he wanted another opportunity to speak with her privately, he would need to find it himself.
The following morning, he left Netherfield on horseback about an hour past dawn. He headed in the direction of Longbourn, to a tall hill between there and Netherfield that would allow for an excellent vantage point. He hoped she was wearing something that stood out, and not the browns and greens he had sometimes seen her in before. He reached the peak and stopped to search the woods and fields he could see. After a few minutes of searching, his eye caught light-coloured movement in the top of a tree. At first he watched in disbelief, then laughed as he realised that it was perfectly expected of the Elizabeth he knew. Of course she was in a tree.
He nudged his mount down the hill, following the path toward the grove where he had seen her. As he got closer, he dismounted and secured his horse. He walked quietly into view of her, watching as she appeared to be picking apples to fill a basket. He saw her bonnet and spencer lying on the ground next to a second, as of yet empty, basket. Her skirts were tied up just below her knees, leaving a scandalous amount of stocking out for show.
He took a few more steps, not attempting to quiet his presence any longer, and she froze.
"Mr. Darcy!" she cried quietly, then scrambled down the branches so quickly that Darcy was afraid she would fall.
"Miss Bennet, please, do not hurry on my account," he pleaded, not wanting her to fall.
She reached the lowest branch, grabbed hold, and swung down, dropping the remaining few inches to the ground on silent feet. Her speed and agility caught him off guard, and he simply stared at her as she tucked in a few stray hairs, then looked helplessly at her nearly bare calves.
She looked mortified, but bravely straightened her spine and faced him, though she avoided his eyes. "You, sir, are unnervingly good at finding me in improper moments. However do you manage it?"
Darcy could not help his smile. "Perhaps it is because I am always looking for you."
He heard her sharp intake of breath, and her eyes glanced to his and away again quickly, though she did not speak. He took a step forward and gently reached for her hand, watching her reaction as he did so. She still would not look at him, but she did not shy away either. He glanced down as he grasped her, and saw the fading bruises on her arm. How could he not feel so strongly for a woman who would give so much of herself for those she loved? Any lingering doubts of his own wishes fled as he reached up and brushed his fingers over the marks. He resented the glove on his own hand, wishing he could feel the delicate skin that shivered under his touch. He was struck with an overwhelming desire to kiss every one of those bruises, and looked up before he gave into that desire and frightened her.
"Elizabeth," he whispered, and she finally turned her eyes to his and held them. He could see trepidation and tears, but also hope.
"Elizabeth," he said again, "I am a quiet man who lives a quiet life. I would very much like to share that life with you. Could you," he hesitated, "do you think you could find contentment with me? Could you be happy?"
"I do not desire a fast life, sir."
He felt his heart soar. "Then would you do me the great honour of becoming my wife?"
He could feel her tremble, and she hesitated in her answer. Had he misunderstood?
"Miss Bennet?"
"Are you certain, absolutely certain that this is what you desire?" she asked, her voice strained.
"I am," he replied firmly. "I have loved you for nearly as long as I have known you, and nothing has cooled that love. I find it only burns brighter through everything I have seen and learned. I do not think it possible for me to forget you even if I tried, which I have no desire to do."
"Then you have forgiven me for all I have done to you? You hold no resentment?" she whispered with tears beginning to fall.
"There is nothing to forgive," he replied lightly.
"But my invasion of your home, and the things I have said, and -"
He cut her off with a finger on her lips. "It does not matter."
"You are a very good man," she said against his finger and through her tears. He lifted his finger and she smiled tremulously. "I would be delighted to marry you, Mr. Darcy."
He tugged her closer with the hand he already held and wrapped his free arm around her, pulling her in tight. "It is Fitzwilliam, please."
She took a stuttering breath, then said almost reverently, "Fitzwilliam."
His name said by her soft lips and in her musical voice was perfect.
"I love you, my Elizabeth," he said.
Then he kissed her.
A/N: I offer no excuses, only thanks to those who are sticking with me. I appreciate your patience.