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Chapter 11

When John woke up he knew one thing: that he had done it all wrong. He shouldn't have let it get that far, not yet anyway. It hadn't been right and he would try his hardest to fix it. A man should court a woman, treat her like a lady, not use their friendship the way he had last night, if what they had could still be called a friendship now. John really wasn't sure any longer but he wanted more than that now.

He knew that it was early when John knocked on her door but he didn't care. He really needed to talk to Clara before the confusion in him grew to be unbearable. When she opened she was already dressed in her work attire.

"Oh," she uttered and quickly put on a smile, "Hey John. If you want to walk to work with me you're a bit early."

"I need to talk to you," John said gravely and once that had sunk in he watched Clara roll her eyes at him.

"We had a deal," she replied defensively, "And that included 'no talking it to the ground afterwards', remember?"

"Wait," he was confused but still pushed his way past her into her living room before she closed the door, "Are you just going to pretend like nothing ever happened?"

Clara shrugged and finally nodded.

"I can't do that. I don't wanna do that," John told her earnestly.

"Well, you're going to have to," she sighed, "John, seriously, I like you a lot and I am more grateful for your friendship than you will ever understand but that's got to be it. Yesterday was wonderful and I would absolutely not mind if it happened again some time, but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want it to be a big deal."

John took a deep breath and looked at her for a long time, this beautiful woman who had wanted him to kiss her and touch her the previous night and who was now building up walls faster than he could evade them.

"I never thought about kissing you or sleeping with you. You were my friend, just my friend. The rest never even crossed my mind until you put it there and now I can't think about anything else. Last night, that's not how it should have happened. I should have treated you right. I should have taken you out on a date, a real date-"

"You did that," Clara replied with a light smile, "You took me to the bar and to the dance. It was great, I loved that."

"That was as friends. I never thought of it as anything more and now I want to make up for that. I was stupid, Clara, I was stupid for not seeing that there might be more."

Clara frowned and huffed. "What sort of man doesn't think about the possibility of sex? Come on, you can't tell me that you never even for a second thought about it."

"Me, I'm the sort of man, and I never thought about it," John said angrily but quickly calmed his voice, "I want to make it right."

"I don't want you to," she replied plainly, "Because I see nothing wrong in what we did and I want us to remain friends."

"What if I want more?"

"I don't do more, John. I don't do dating or romance or any of that and I want you to stop talking about it," Clara turned her back on him, looking out of the living room window, "I was afraid this would happen."

"Clara, why on earth did you sleep with me when you don't want any of that? If I'm too old for you or too weird or. . . I don't know, why did you do it?" he demanded to know. He really had no idea what was going on in her head and he needed to understand.

"Gosh, John, it's not you," she turned back to face him and now he noticed that there were tears forming in the corners of her eyes, "It's me! I won't ever have a boyfriend again. I won't ever get married. I'm sorry if I gave you false hope for anything beyond friendship and I really hope you will forgive me."

"I don't understand."

Clara squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"I was engaged once," she said and pulled her necklace out from under her uniform, revealing a modest engagement ring dangling at the end of it, "I promised Daniel that I would be his wife and I can't ever keep that promise now but I will not betray him and be the wife of someone else. Romance will always lead that way, always, unless I remain unmarried and the outcast forever."

"Clara?" John asked carefully, "What happened to Daniel?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You said I was your friend," John said angrily, "And as your friend, don't you think I have the right to know?"

"He died!" Clara yelled at him and the tears came flowing from her eyes in earnest now, "There! Are you happy now?! He died and I blame this town for it. He was on his way to Albany when a car hit him and he was lying on the street for God knows how long and no one helped him, no one thought about calling me so I could help him. I didn't just bury my fiancé, I buried the life we would have had together. We were saving up for college! We had found one that had accepted us both and I was to be a teacher and he wanted to become a lawyer. We wanted to get married two months after the accident happened. I was going to buy a dress the next day. I wanted-"

Clara broke off, her voice suddenly gone as she burst out in sobs. John had no idea how to comfort her so he just walked up and closed his arms around her. Clara buried her face in his chest and he gently placed a kiss on her head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't know that."

"I can't ever be with someone else like I would have been with Daniel. I made a promise," she said weakly.

"I'm sure that you loved him and that he loved you back. How couldn't he? But Clara," he paused, "You can't miss out on what would probably be the most beautiful part of your life just because the first attempt didn't work out. Daniel wouldn't want you to. I'm sure he'd want you to be happy and you deserve that. All of it. Your dream career, a boyfriend, husband, children. You should at least give it a try."

"Says the man who fled his home town and even his continent because the memories were too painful," Clara said coldly.

"I'm trying to change now, am I not? I'm making an honest attempt here, with you. I wanted a fresh start and I think that could be it."

"I can't," Clara replied weakly and looked up at him, "Look at you, John. You're what? 30 years older than I am? Imagine that it did work out between us, imagine we'd start dating and we'd fall in love and get married. Imagine we had a child. You could be dead before the kid is even 10 and I'd be alone all over again and I can't do that. Not again. It's too much."

"Then we might as well get you a coffin right now because you're throwing your life away out of fear that something bad might happen. Have you ever for a second thought about that it might all work out well?"

"No," she replied and finally wiped the tears from her face, "Because all life has ever done for me was to take away the people that I loved and from what you've told me the same thing happened to you. So how can you be so optimistic about it?"

"Because I have hope, I never give up. And if you give me a chance I will show it to you. I will show you that good things can happen."

Clara suddenly struggled free from his embrace and grabbed her purse from the sofa.

"I have to go to work now. Close the door behind you when you leave."

"I won't give up, Clara. Not until you agree to give me a chance," he said sincerely.

"Well, good luck then," she spat and was out of the door before he could say anything else.