A.N: This is it. The penultimate chapter. I feel really sad; this has been such a great experience and it's drawing to a close:'(. Do you want a sequel? I also have an idea for a oneshot based off this fic which I really want to write, but I don't want to give away what it's about. The reason I'm still typing is I'm stalling. This chapter isn't very long. I don't think the next one will be very long either... Thanks as always to everyone who reads or reviews, :') you guys rock.

Those last few months seemed to blend together into a ball of unbearable sweetness whenever Matt looked back on them afterwards. A few short weeks of innocence and joy; such a short time he and Mello had been allocated to share. He was lucky compared to others, he tried to console himself with this; at least he had been given someone to love, unlike Near, whose whole life was as blank and meaningless before the news of L's death as it was after.

L was murdered on the 5th of November 2004. It took until the 5th of December, a month later, before Roger could even confirm the death of the world's greatest detective, and that of Wammy, aka Watari.

Matt remembered the sense of reality being disconnected, as he sat once more behind that oak desk, Mello and Near beside him. He was Alice, falling down a rabbit hole, leaving behind everything that made sense. This morning everything had been normal; his biggest concern was what to get Mello for his birthday next week. Now everything was turned on its head, overturning his plans and hopes. L could not be dead, he was the axis of their world, as vital as gravity; without him they would spin out of control, nothing to anchor them down anymore.

Mello was spinning away; already Matt could see it, even though the blond was sat right next to him, he had begun to slip away from Matt. Even now, when he was yelling at Roger that he was wrong; this was just another of L's tricks, he was wrong, L couldn't die. For then he'd be just another mortal. Another fragile being of flesh and blood that Mello had lost. For all that he was turning 16 in little over a week, Mello looked as young as he had been when Wammy's had first taken him in nearly eleven years ago.

Even Near was affected, flung out of orbit along with them, into an empty, starless void, his toy soldiers dropping through his suddenly stilled fingers to fall against the ground. The time for games was at an end.

Distantly Matt registered that Roger was still speaking, but he couldn't hear him. All he could focus on were those faceless soldiers, lying fallen and forgotten on the carpet. There had been too many deaths. Too much sacrifice, and for what? L couldn't even protect himself in the end, let alone all the others whose fate depended on him. Such a heavy weight it must have been to carry.

Whose burden would it become now? Whose young shoulders would be forced to bear it, even though the weight might bow and bend them, eventually leaving them broken, another person to discard and replace as if life was expendable? Anger rose up as he pictured Mello among this pile of human trash, and then subsided as quickly as it had come, leaving bone-tired weariness in place. It was no use railing at fate, crying that life was unfair. Life always took too much, greedily stealing anything of value; that was the price of living.

Mello. Mello was his precious thing, the one container for all his love. There was danger in loving a single person that much; it was perhaps better to share love out, spreading it thinner, saving some in case something happened, so you had a little leftover to start again with. But it was too late for that now, Matt reflected, taking in Mello, his Mello, beautiful to him even now, when his face was distorted with loss and anger. He had given him everything, for good or for bad.

Make Near be the one; Matt tried to pray, clenching his hands together and closing his eyes. Maybe it was wrong to ask God to take one person's life in place of another, but he was desperate, and he didn't know how to talk to God like Mello did, but if Kira was a God, like so many said He was, then Matt knew He would take a victim, another sacrifice. Selfish now that it might affect him, Matt didn't care how many others Kira's bloodlust required, as long as He left Matt his one precious thing. The rest of the world could burn and crumble into ashes for all he cared.

The thoughts running through Mello's head would have broken Matt entirely if he had known them. Reckless scheme after reckless scheme tumbled through Mello's mind, as he was forced to admit L was dead. The knowledge was like a knife; slicing him apart from his present life, cutting him as well as liberating him. There was to be no more hiding; the last obstacle between Kira and them had fallen. When he found out about Wammy's, which Mello knew he would eventually, he would come, and bring death in his wake.

There was no way Mello was going to be beaten this time; he glanced at Matt, heart aching in sympathy at the shock and horror on his friends face, before he steeled himself. There was no time to mourn. In war, when your comrades fell in front of you, there was nothing to do but step over them and continue, or join them in the mud. Now he had to finally prove he was number one, or lose everything.

He looked Roger squarely in the eyes. The older man was a shell. None of his preparations, his flawed imitations, were ready for this. The old man had said as much. Neither him nor Near had reached L's level, let alone surpassed him. The odds were against Mello, but he was used to life dealing him an unfair hand by now. "I guess I'd better get ready to leave."

"No!" Raggedly, Matt choked out this one word, his one protest; don't leave me.

Coldly, Mello silenced Matt with a look, turning back to face Roger. He missed seeing Matt slump, didn't notice as Matt began to shake, falling apart. Instead he spoke rapidly, intently, focusing only on forcing Roger into acknowledging him as L's rightful replacement. "You have to send me, I'm the only one it makes sense to; Near is just a kid, and Matt," he hesitated, "he wouldn't be able to cope." Apologetically, he rested his hand on Matt's shoulder. I'm sorry, he thought, hoping Matt would understand, but I can't let you get involved. I can't lose you Matty, even if you hate me for leaving.

"What makes you think you could cope?" Roger lifted his head, shadows running and scattering across it, finding no place to hide. His voice was flat. All his kindness, his understanding and patience gone. Worn away. "If even L was defeated, why would you succeed?"

"Don't underestimate me." Always the same shit. Always compared and found wanting. "Let me try! Or go down fighting!" Under his hand, he felt Matt's shoulders begin shaking violently again, his friend muttering that one-worded protest hysterically.

"There will be no more deaths!" Roger looked old, every year of his life showing in his haunted eyes. He continued, quietly, lost in the past. "There have been too many people sacrificed. Forced to fight, to do the impossible. I will not send any more children to their death."

"Fool. Then you will kill us all." Mello spat harshly, "Kira has no qualms over killing the innocent; anyone smart enough to pose a threat is a target. We can't sit here and pray he'll let us live." His cruel words seemed to have some affect on Roger, forcing him to meet Mello's icy gaze.

"Then go. But Near goes too."

"What?" Mello snarled, losing his temper. Near looked up dully; the most he had moved since they were told. "Don't be ridiculous, he's fourteen. I thought you didn't want children to die!"

Roger nodded, recognizing his words as Mello flung them back in his face. "I don't." Every word seemed to weigh him down. "But his age won't stop Kira from killing him, if we don't stop him first."

"Let me go." Mello half-pleaded, half-threatened, ignoring scrabbling fingers as Matt tried to clutch onto him. The redheads face was white; Mello doubted if he was aware of what was going on, besides the fact that Mello was willfully endangering himself.

"You won't win." Near's voice was bleak. "We might defeat Kira together, but neither of us can do it alone. Even working as a team, it seems unlikely."

"Don't say that!" I hate to lose. "You don't know what I'm capable of!" He paused, seeing no sign of relent in Roger's face, "Well watch."

Shrugging off Matt, Mello turned, and left the office without a backward glance.