"I don't know what's worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone."

-Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon

It was dawn when Clara woke up due shaking beside her. It didn't take her long to realize the cause of itーBucky was having another nightmare. She didn't have time to contemplate how happy or satisfied she felt, all that mattered was waking him up. He kept muttering words that Clara couldn't make out, then he'd toss and turn. It wasn't until he whimpered that Clara swore her heart broke in two. She couldn't begin to imagine what the nightmare was aboutーit was obviously horrific.

Clara mentally gathered some courage and sat up in the bed. She knew not to touch Bucky, not in the state he was in, so she called his name.

"Bucky?" She questioned softly.

No response.

"Bucky?" She waited for a response, nothing.

"Bucky!" She called loudly. Still, Bucky didn't seem to hear her.

Clara took a deep breath. She knew the risk in waking him up, but she still did it. She still placed her hand on his shoulder and gently shook. She shouldn't have been surprised when she ended up on her back in the blink of an eye and her wrist was in agony. Her heart sped up and for a moment she entertained the notion that this could be her last few seconds in life. That was until she looked at Bucky's face. A look of familiarity returned to his eyes, but soon turned to horror after he realized what had just transpired.

Clara was still scared, but thankful once his metal hand let go of her wrist. From a short glance at it, Clara knew she'd be seeing a bruise form soonーshe flexed her wrist to check and hissed from the pain the movement caused.

This wasn't how the morning was supposed to go. Weren't they supposed to wake up with the sun streaming through the windows and be all smiley? And then they'd discuss what they were and all would end greatly? That was just a fairy tale, evidently. Good things like that never happened to Clara, and they certainly didn't happen for Bucky either.

"Clara..." Bucky started.

"No, it's okay. I know that wasn't you," Clara said quietly, wrapping herself in the blanket. She didn't voice the fact that she had still been terrified anyways.

Clara looked up at Bucky's face and forced her expression to remain neutral. Everything about him appeared to be guiltyーand yet, he'd done nothing wrong. He had a tendency to blame himself where he should have been blaming HYDRA or some other circumstance. But Clara understood. She hated to blame anyone else because it felt as though she couldn't shoulder her own problems, that she couldn't be independent.

So there they were, with Clara's wrist in a pounding pain and Bucky feeling immense guilt. It was a slightly awkward situationーthey were supposed to be happy and talking through what had happened, not dealing with nighttime terrors.

"Clara, this can't happen anymore," Bucky finally spoke. It was done in a heavy tone, one conveying everything Clara needed to know.

"Just because that happened and you're feeling guilty doesn't mean we just give up on this," Clara motioned to themselves. "Something good finally happened, don't let your nightmares ruin it."

Bucky shook his head. "No. I've hurt you enough already, I'm too dangerous. First, it happened with HYDRA following meーthey targeted youーwhich is my fault. And now I nearly broke your wrist."

Generally speaking, Clara wasn't an angry individual. Of course, she'd be pissed off about something every once in a while, but she felt a wave of anger surge through her that she hadn't felt in forever. "And what about me? What, you just sleep with me and then call it quits? Just because one mistake happened? Don't I get any say in this? I've already put myself in danger and backing out, it won't make any sense now. And I..." She paused in hesitation, "I don't think I can be alone again. The time I've spent alone here, with no friends and family, it's nearly killed me. Before I met you, I was so miserable and I hated it. Just... Please."

Clara didn't know how her anger melded into sadness and pleading, but somehow it had. And she hated it even more. It felt as though she had just exposed a part of herself and gave it to Bucky.

Bucky stared at her sadly, seemingly stunned by her tirade. He reached for her hand with a new familiarity and ran his thumb across the new bruise forming as gently as he could. "I should go somewhere else, somewhere far away from you. Because I can't have them killing you or worseーyou're not a part of this mess and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if they took you. I'm sorry Clara, I need to leave."

And the anger was back. Maybe it was because Clara thought that he'd actually listen to her or maybe it was because he was taking the high ground, but Clara didn't care. She yanked her arm from his grip. "Don't leave. Not now. Do you really think they'll leave me alone if you disappear?"

"They only want me. If I leave, they'll follow me."

"Can you really be sure about that?" Clara demanded.

Bucky hesitated for a moment, before shaking his head. "No. I have to distance myself from you then."

"That's not going to change anything!"

Clara's arguments just didn't seem to be getting through to Bucky, however. As yet again, he shook his head, gathered his shirt from the floor and put it on. Anger surged through Clara again as she felt the sting of betrayal; she knew the timing for this incident was coincidentalーit just couldn't change the way she felt. She'd given all of herself to him. There was no way she couldn't feel hurt and furious.

"Fine, run away from yourself and your problems! You know what? You're going to find out just how lonely you've been once you leave, and you'll regret it. Steve isn't going to come save you and I won't eitherーso go see how helping yourself works out!" As soon as Clara said this, she regretted it. But it was too late. She saw the hurt on Bucky's face before he turned and wordlessly left her apartment.

Once he'd slammed the door behind himself, Clara collapsed against the bed, still partially dressed and very much distressed.

A choked cry came out before she reigned herself back in. She'd been through worse than thisーshe fled her home because she'd been blamed for a crime she didn't commitーshe would survive this. Living on her own in another country had taught her a lot, she could stay strong through anything. But Clara hated being sad, she hated feeling pity for herself and most of all she hated what she said to Bucky.

And nothing could stop the terrible feeling she had in her gut.

After the argument with Clara, Bucky felt an incredible amount of guilt. More than the usual amount he felt daily. Of course, he didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want to leave Clara. But what he'd done to Clara changed everything. They'd gotten to a point where Bucky finally felt safe to be himself and allowed himself to relax. After what he'd done to Clara's wrist, he knew that he couldn't stay around anymore.

The look of fear he saw in her eyes when he'd finally realized what was happening had gotten to him in that moment.

Bucky figured that he'd at least stay for a few weeks to make sure there was no HYDRA presence before leaving. He didn't want toーleaving Clara was one of the most difficult things he'd ever had to do. It hurt to see her so angry and betrayed. The timing of the incident couldn't have been worseーhe didn't take sex lightly, and to leave her the morning after was something he regretted. It was better than the alternative; her ending up being hurt or dead.

And what she'd said hurt even more, but he could at least understand why she'd said it.

But the worst was how the feeling of hope and optimism that had been right in front of him, what he and Clara had was good. Of course, it could never last, he was an idiot to think it would.

So that was the end to something brief and great in his life.

Bucky wrote a lot in his journal that day.

THEN, BUCHAREST, ONE WEEK LATER

Clara smiled at the kid Bucky helped on the way in the building after work. Normally, the child just smiled back at her, but this time he didn't respond with one.

"Excuse me miss, my friend just got hurt and I needed the phone but my door is locked. Can you come help me?!" Tears drifted down his cheeks freely. Clara felt her heart speed up.

"Okay, I'll call for help. Where's your friend?"

The child grabbed the hand that was connected to Clara's injured wrist, causing her to wince. However, she didn't protest, she simply followed the kid outside into the cool evening. She wondered where the hell his parents were and why he was playing out on the street when he should have been eating supper or playing inside. Taking a second look at they boy, Clara realized he wasn't even wearing a jacket. Frowning, she idly wondered if his parents even cared about him. But that was a matter for another time.

"He's around the side!" The boy exclaimed, letting go of her hand and rushing ahead.

Clara ran after the boy genuinely concerned about what she would encounter. Hopefully, his friend wasn't hurt too badly; she wondered how he'd even gotten injured in the first place.

Clara turned the corner and didn't even have time to scream. A hand covered her mouth and she was roughly slammed against the wall all in a matter of seconds. Fear coursed through herーshe knew exactly what this was; HYDRA. Bucky was wrong, they didn't leave her alone just because he went away. They were back and this time, Clara knew he wouldn't be around to help.

In a desperate attempt to escape, Clara managed to jostle her elbow free and hit the man in the ribs as hard as possible. It hurt her in the process, but the man freed her and fell to the ground.

Clara finally got a good look at the area and realized the little boy was in on the plan. She felt betrayal at her need to help being turned against her, and worse, she felt the fear that these were her final few moments. That her last sight would a gun trained on her head. And somewhere, in the back of her mind, she was hoping desperately that someone would save her. Anyone.

Clara turned and tried to run, but two other agents nearby grabbed her causing her to scream and call for help.

Again, her mouth was covered.

"Not so fast. We have plans for you, and to let you go would be a big mistake," the man holding onto her said. "Micheal over here knows that, doesn't he?" The man looked to an agent with bright blonde hair.

The blonde nodded, pulled out a gun and shot Micheal who was writhing on the ground in pain. He immediately went still. Clara felt tears leave her eyes at the horror of seeing a man killed in front of her.

Clara felt all of her anger towards Bucky evaporate. She wanted to see him more than she'd ever want to see anyone else in her lifeーshe desperately hoped some miracle would occur and he would save her yet again. And then they'd happy get along as he made sure she was ok. This wasn't supposed to happen. She should have been able to defend herself, to do something.

Reality set in that she wouldn't be getting out of the situation just before she felt a crack against her head. Everything went black.

A week had passed in which Bucky had only seen Clara onceーit had been an awkward and tense encounter that he'd rushed through. He'd passed her on the stairway and made a point to not look her in the eye when he felt her glaring at him. The guilt intensified that day, but he knew it was for the best.

But one day, Bucky had come home and noticed that Clara's door was ajar. Frowning, he went to see what was happening. He knew Clara wasn't a forgetful person, if anything, she was diligent. Her door being left open sent off warning sirens in his head.

Opening her door, Bucky felt his heart speed up. Her room had been trashedーit was as though they simply tore the place apart looking for some damning clue. But then... Wouldn't they have gone to his place too? Bucky walked out side to check if his place was okay, and found it left untouched.

Bucky knew who did itーHYDRA was the obvious culprit. But why did they leave his place alone? Surely they knew he lived there if they knew where Clara was. It had to be a warning, Bucky knew that HYDRA wanted him and nothing else. They wanted their prized possession back and nothing was off limits in their path to him.

And that's when it set in: where was Clara? She'd been right all alongーHYDRA did go for her anyways. What the hell had he been thinking, he knew deep down that HYDRA would come regardless of his presence. The truth of it was, Bucky had been scared. Terrified that he'd hurt Clara again, that he'd turn into the same monster he'd been in HYDRA's possession.

He had to find herーand like HYDRAーnothing was off limits. Not anymore.

Bucky had a purpose now. He'd put an end to HYDRA and he'd get Clara back, he didn't care how long it took or what he'd have to do to get there. He'd do itーHYDRA had already done enough to him anyways.

But where to start?

Bucky started by seeing if Clara had reached home first and found that her bag wasn't in her messed up apartment. So maybe the gym? Or on the way home, like HYDRA had done last time? Bucky needed to retrace her steps to make sure.

As Bucky started down the street, the wind picked up. He frowned when he saw grey clouds in the distanceーrain wouldn't make finding Clara any easier. Picking up his pace, Bucky came to a sharp halt when he heard a scream. Without thinking, he sprinted towards the direction of the scream.

Mentally, he prepared himself to find something horrible or to fightーso he was very surprised to see the scream had originated from an elderly lady. She was staring down at a dead body in fear.

The alleyway was abandoned aside from the body, and no other signs of a scuffle were present. Bucky knew it was HYDRAーit didn't exactly explain the dead man, but the was no mistake. HYDRA wanted him to come after them; they were setting a trap. And Bucky was going to willingly walk straight in it and take the bait. He'd walk out unscathed and HYDRA was going to regret what they'd done to him and Clara.

"Call the police," Bucky said to the woman. She nodded shakily.

He turned to leave the scene and ignored the ladies' protests as he walked away. He didn't know where to start, but Bucky was sure they left a string of clues behind. Now it was time to find them.

Clara needed him more than ever now.

AN: Believe me, this will get to Civil War,,,,, eventually,.,.,,.. Lots of angst first

And some badass Bucky B)

So about the long wait for an update, I've been having trouble writing lately. I think it's because of a lack of confidence in my writing but idk. Either way, it's difficult to motivate myself to write. So what I've started doing lately is writing in the time I have after school. Hopefully, I'll update much faster now.

Anyways, enough about my procrastinating ass. I'd like to thank vain-gl0ry, .2016, inperfection, and mrs-landers for reviewing! Thanks so much for the encouraging messages! And thank you to everyone else who followed and favourited! It means the world to authors!