Author's Notes:
Thank you to those of you that have taken the time to review! It means everything to me!
Thanks to skyeblue0610 for agreeing to beta this story for me from this point forward.
Thanks to gossip-bangkok for recognizing me in a list of underappreciated stories.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Chapter 11: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Empty. The only word I could think of to describe what it was I felt when Edward left was empty, devoid of any emotion, utterly bare. I stood in my doorway long after Edward left, staring down the empty hall. I kept waiting, thinking that maybe just maybe he'd come back, thinking that maybe just maybe it wasn't true, that he wasn't leaving for a week.
When Mike Newton sauntered out of the elevator with a six pack of beer in one hand and the hand of a very attractive blonde in the other I was jolted back to the here and now. Mike immediately noticed me standing in my doorway and called out to me.
"Bella! Hey Bella!" He waved to me, a huge, goofy grin stretching from one ear to the other. I waved back, though with much less enthusiasm than he'd exhibited. Mike cocked his head to the side, studying me as he drew near to his apartment. He wasn't necessarily the most emotionally perceptive of people, but anyone could see that everything was not right with me.
"Is everything okay?" He asked tentatively, stopping right outside his front door. The blonde next to him huffed. It was clear she was annoyed that Mike was paying attention to someone other than herself. I offered Mike a half smile.
"I'm fine," I lied. It wasn't as if I was going to tell Mike that Edward had just left and already I felt as if I was going to fall apart. Mike studied me closely for a moment, clearly not believing what I'd said. Then, out of nowhere, a huge smile spread across his face.
"Hey, why don't you join us? We're going to watch the big game!" Mike said, excitedly. I wasn't sure what big game he was referring to, but it didn't really matter. I loathed sports and was in no mood to hang out with Mike or his bombshell blonde girlfriend.
"No thanks, Mike. Maybe some other time," I said, trying to be polite, though I cringed when I saw Mike's eyes light up. Great, just great. It appeared I was sending Mike mixed signals now too. I was already in enough trouble with Jacob for doing this; I didn't want to add Mike to that list too.
"That would be great, Bella," he said a little too exuberantly, and I knew it was time for me to retreat back into the safety of my apartment. I smiled lightly at Mike and waved goodbye before quickly stepping inside and closing my door. Johann was there to greet me, wagging his tail furiously back and forth. I reached down to pat his head and it was then that I noticed that his leash was dangling from his mouth. I laughed, in spite of myself.
"You want to go for a walk, eh?" Poor Johann had all but been forgotten these past few months. It had been a whirlwind of activity since the semester had started and with Edward coming around every evening I didn't have much time for myself, let alone Johann, anymore. Miguel had been a godsend, faithfully walking Johann for me every day. Consuela had been very helpful, too. She continued to cook dinner for me at least once a week and made sure to send enough for Edward now, too. An idea popped into my head at that moment and I was inspired to leave my apartment, Johann in tow.
It felt good to get out and walk the streets of the city again. I didn't get out much anymore, with Edward and I electing to remain happily ensconced in my apartment most evenings. It was early November in New York and there was a definitive chill to the air that seemed to seep through your skin and dig into your bones. I made sure to button up my coat and reluctantly pulled my hood over my head to cover my ears. Despite the cold, it was a bright and brilliant afternoon. Johann trotted along beside me, happily greeting the passersby and stopping to pee on every fire hydrant we happened upon. After walking for a little over twenty minutes, we reached our first destination - Williams Sonoma.
I loved Williams Sonoma. I didn't have much time to cook, but I enjoyed finding uses for all of the little kitchen gadgets they had available for sale. Before meeting Edward I would sometimes purchase a random device from them and fashion a recipe around its use, however today my objective was different. Today I wanted to buy a new set of casserole dishes and a stand-up mixer for Consuela. The dishes Consuela sent her dinners in were visibly old, probably having belonged to her own mother, so I thought she might appreciate having a new set of casserole dishes to use. I also wanted to purchase her a stand-up mixer to assist her in her baking. Miguel had mentioned once that Consuela suffered from severe arthritic flare-ups in her hands and I thought a mixer might make the task of mixing batter and kneading dough less burdensome. Of course, as I was at the counter paying for my purchases, I realized I didn't have my car with me. There was no way I was going to be able to carry the mixer and casserole dishes all the way back to my apartment so I asked the cashier if he could put my purchases to the side for me to pick up tomorrow.
I stepped back outside Williams Sonoma and looked up to the sky. It was late afternoon and the sun was starting to set. The air was even chillier now than it had been only a few hours before and I shivered as I pulled my coat tight against my body. I wondered about Edward, wondered where he was right now. In a plane over the Atlantic, I was certain. He'd be in Europe for one week, traveling first to London, followed by Paris, Madrid and finally Rome. As I continued on my trek through the city, I wished I'd completed my next errand before Edward left. It would have been nice for him to have had something new to read on the plane. I sighed. Edward and I really needed to get out more. I knew that and decided that when Edward returned we'd make more of an effort to do so. We had to. I would simply have to find the courage.
I heard the little bell that was attached to the inside door handle ring as I pushed opened the door. The door creaked as I pushed it shut behind me and I was immediately assaulted by a plume of dust. I coughed, waving my hand in front of me. This little old used book store was really just that…little and old and crammed full of shelves packed tight with used books. The shop's owner Eleanor, who was just as little and as old as the store itself, greeted me warmly. She hobbled towards me, crippled by a hunched back, firmly gripping her cane. I bent down and kissed her cheek.
"How are you, dear?" She whispered with a slight shake to her voice. I pulled away and smiled warmly at her, reaching out to take her free hand in mine. I gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Doing well, actually," I said, surprising myself because despite everything I actually did feel…well. I smiled to myself. The last week had been hell. Emotionally I'd been all over the board, a ticking time bomb of sorts. However amidst all the confusion, grappling with long buried memories and feelings, and struggling to figure out just how it was I was going to survive Edward's absence, a certain sense of serenity had quietly suffused my soul. And I hadn't recognized it… until now. In that very moment, despite everything, I felt well, and I realized it was all due to Edward. Even in his absence he filled me completely.
"You have that look, Bella," Eleanor said while wagging her finger in my face. "What is it you're not telling me?" She asked, curiously. I sighed, shaking my head.
"It's complicated, Eleanor," I answered carefully. Eleanor studied my face closely, watching me as I watched her.
"You're in love," she said quietly a few moments later, a knowing smile spreading across her face. I blushed, giving myself away without so much as uttering a single syllable.
"You'll bring him to meet me soon?" Eleanor asked hopefully, and I nodded. Eleanor was a very discreet woman. She would never pry, never ask me anything at all about Edward, but would absolutely rejoice in meeting him. I would rejoice in that too. I'd known Eleanor since I moved to New York. I stopped by her little book store often, sometimes taking her out for an early dinner. I liked to keep her company as she was all alone now. Her husband had passed away many years ago.
"Real soon," I promised her, and she smiled at me.
Eleanor helped me locate a copy of Atlas Shrugged for Edward and a couple of biographies of musicians for me before I paid for my purchases, bid farewell to her and exited the store. Johann was impatient to head home, and so was I. Night was drawing nigh. The sun had all but set and I watched as the muffled grey of the sky faded quickly to dark. We set a brisk pace home and arrived in under a half hour. I felt better having spent the afternoon out of the apartment, refreshed even. And I was hopeful, ever so hopeful that when I walked through my door that I would be okay. That the fact that Edward wasn't there waiting for me wouldn't cause me to unravel. I was hopeful, yes, but even more naive. Because it did hit me and it hit me hard.
When I walked through the door to my apartment it was as if Edward had never left. The scent of him hung thick in the air. My eyes scanned the apartment, instinctively searching for him even though I knew he wasn't there. His presence so dominated the tiny space that it seemed impossible that he wouldn't saunter out of the bedroom and into the living room to greet me, all the while flashing me his disarmingly handsome smile. It seemed impossible that he wouldn't, but it was impossible that he would, and that knowledge knocked me down from my high. I might have felt well earlier, but I felt nothing of the sort now. I dropped my messenger bag to the floor and reached into my pocket, pulling out my phone. Hands shaking, I called Alice. She picked up on the first ring.
"I was wondering when you were going to call," she said casually. Just hearing her voice soothed me. She wasn't Edward, but she was most definitely the next best thing.
"Can you come over?" I asked meekly.
"I'm standing right outside your front door," she laughed. I laughed too, and it was welcomed because I was just about to cry. I swung around from where I was standing and threw open the front door. And there she was, standing there, waiting to comfort me like she always did.
"Having a tough time of it, kiddo?" She teased, pulling me to her and giving me a quick squeeze before breezing past me into the apartment.
"How do you always know?" I mused, shaking my head. Alice chuckled. "I'm omnipotent, remember?" And I laughed lightly, though it fast faded into a deep sigh.
"Can you call him?" Alice asked gently, reaching out and touching the tips of her fingers softly to my arm. I shook my head no.
"He's somewhere over the Atlantic right now," I said sadly.
"Missing you as much as you miss him, I'm sure," she soothed before walking
over to my wall of CDs. Alice spent very little time thumbing through them. She found what she was looking for almost immediately.
"Alice," I warned, giving her a very stern look.
"Please, Bella, as if I'd even think of playing that right now. Go get changed into something more comfortable and then meet me back here. I'm sending you to your happy place," she teased.
I heard the music start to play in the living room before I even left my bedroom. I listened to it as I changed into something more comfortable, something warm and soft and familiar - Edward's sweat pants and t-shirt. I realized as I was standing there that I'd never worn anything of his before and couldn't for the life of me figure out why. The minute I slipped his shirt past my face, I smelled him. It was at once intoxicating. I inhaled deeply, allowing his scent to cloud my senses before I left my room.
As I trudged out into the living room I glanced at the clock. It would be a few hours yet before Edward landed and before I could hear his voice again. In the mean time I'd go to my happy place, and Alice knew just how to get me there. I walked over to the couch and lay down, draping my right arm across my eyes. The music was playing softly, loud enough for me to hear but not so loud that I couldn't hear Alice working in the kitchen. I assumed she was making us some sort of dinner. It was that time of night. I let my eyes drift closed, concentrating on the music, on going to my happy place.
Alice had selected Et resurrexit from Bach's Mass in B Minor, by far one of the world's greatest classical achievements, for me to listen to. Et resurrexit, literally translated As He Rose, is Bach's musical interpretation of Christ's resurrection as written in the Credo text. Written for five part chorus, the piece immediately strikes a chord with the listener as the chorus rejoices in Christ rising from the dead. To truly appreciate the tone of the piece however, one really has to have listened to the piece that precedes Et resurrexit, a piece entitled Crucifixus which is Bach's representation of the crucifixion. The juxtaposition of the two pieces is striking, from the haunting and reflective Crucifixus to the upbeat and powerful Et resurrexit, one can't help but exalt in Christ's resurrection in Et resurrexit. It had always been one of those rare pieces that filled me with immeasurable joy.
Alice knew. She knew how to soothe me.
"I hope to have the opportunity to see the Mass performed live one day," I thought out loud from my position on the couch.
"I imagine it would be beautiful," Alice called to me from the kitchen.
I'd never seen the Mass performed in its entirety. It was a rare occasion that it was performed as such. My mother had had the opportunity to see it performed live once, and I remembered her describing her experience to me in great detail, particularly how powerful the transition between the performances of the Crucifixus and Et resurrexit was. From the final moments of the Crucifixus, where after being taken on a poignant journey the piece finally, quietly achieves musical resolution, to the opening chorus of Et resurrexit, where the choir sings out at full volume exalting in Christ's resurrection - very few experiences in life had effected her as much as this one simple transition between two pieces of music had, she'd told me. And I had wanted to see it performed live ever since. I hadn't, though, because I was worried. I was worried about how I would handle the experience of listening to the Crucifixus in a public setting. It evoked reactions quite similar to The Passion in me, all involuntary and deeply felt.
Alice sashayed out of the kitchen with a plate of food in either hand. Whatever it was it smelled delicious and the aroma was enough to break me from my reverie. My stomach growled as I sat up, reminding me that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Alice placed the plates, piled high with pasta and meat sauce, on the coffee table and crawled up onto the sofa next to me. She sat Indian style, facing me.
"How are you?" She asked quietly, looking right at me. I shrugged.
"Fine, I guess," I said. I was a lot of things at that moment, hungry being the main thing, but emotionally I was all over the board.
"No…" Alice hesitated slightly before continuing. "I mean, how are you…really?" She held my gaze and I understood. She wasn't talking about Edward.
"It's been hard," I answered her honestly. "I've been having a lot of nightmares." Alice nodded her heard slowly. She knew about the nightmares, had spent countless nights in bed with me holding me close to her, trying to soothe me, because of the nightmares. That was in the beginning. I was obviously much better now, but there were still times when I struggled with them, most notably after talking about what had happened.
'It's very overwhelming for me," I continued, trying to describe to Alice exactly how it was I was feeling, though it was extraordinarily difficult for me to do. "It's like suddenly, by allowing Edward in, he's cracked my shell and I've lost all control. Everything I've held back all these years is spilling forth, begging to be set free," I said. Alice nodded slowly. I could see she understood exactly what it was I was saying to her.
"It terrifies me, Alice. One moment I feel desperately sad, the next moment I'm so angry I physically shake." I paused for a moment before continuing. "The guilt is the worst," I whispered, looking down at my hands. I felt Alice reach out and take my left hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. I reached up with my free hand and wiped a tear from my cheek. Alice and I sat quietly on the couch, neither one of us saying anything. I took a moment to regain my composure before continuing.
"And then there is Edward," I sighed, thinking of him. "The feelings I have for him are so intense, Alice," I said, looking back up at her. "And it's just very confusing for me to try and sort through everything, to try and sort through so many conflicting feelings. I'm trying…but it's difficult." Alice held my gaze, nodding slowly. I could hear her as she swallowed, could see her eyes narrow as she quietly studied me.
"Bella…" she began slowly. Alice pulled her hand from mine, resting it on my knee. "Do you think that maybe it's time you talk to someone about all of this?" I cocked my head to the side, a curious expression crossing over my face. This comment was fully unexpected.
"Why would I do that when I have you?" I laughed nervously. I meant to tease, to lighten the suddenly tense mood that had settled between us, but Alice just stared at me, a very somber expression on her face.
"Bella, I can't continue to be that person for you," she said gently, and her words were so unexpected, so shocking, that without my even realizing it the tears started to fall. I looked at Alice, bewildered and hurt. Her face instantly fell and I could see that she regretted what she had said.
"Bella please don't cry," she soothed, grabbing at my hand. I resisted her touch but she held firm to me, refusing to let go. "I'm just worried about you," she said sincerely. "And I worry…I worry…"
"What? You worry about what, Alice?" I asked, feeling the anger brewing. I was on the defensive now and I hated it. I hated feeling like I had to defend myself against Alice.
"I worry that maybe I've been doing you a grave disservice all these years by not encouraging you to deal with what happened," she blurted out of nowhere. Her eyes were near frantic now. "I feel like…like I've enabled you," she continued, and I stared at her in disbelief.
"Enabled me? Are you kidding me? I'm not a drug addict, Alice," I spat, fighting hard not to yell. I was angry, very angry now. I yanked my hand from hers.
"I didn't mean it like that, Bella," Alice said firmly, refusing to back down.
"Then what exactly did you mean?" I wailed, "Because I'm having a hard time figuring out how we went from having a casual conversation about how I've been feeling…to…to this!" I motioned my right hand between the two of us.
"I feel like this is partly my fault," she confessed, visibly upset now. "I feel like all this time I should have been encouraging you to get help!" She said, the words spilling forth from her mouth. "But I convinced myself that you were really fine and now, almost nine years later, it's clear to me you're still suffering. Only now there's more at stake." Alice whispered the last words in a rueful hush.
"Edward," I whispered back, immediately getting her point. Alice stared at me for a moment before slowly nodding her head. I swallowed hard, letting go of Alice's hand and turning to face away from her.
"You're angry with me," she sighed, hanging her head.
"I am, Alice," I said, reaching up to wipe at my tears. "Edward left today. I'm an emotional wreck and now you're sitting here telling me I can't lean on you anymore. It feels like a slap in the face."
"I'm sorry. This hasn't gone the way I'd hoped," Alice whispered, a defeated sigh escaping her. "I love you, Bella," she said quietly while looking up at me, and I had no choice but to turn back towards her. I smiled a small, wistful smile. "I know that you know that," she continued. "And I will always be there for you, no matter what. I'm just worried that everything is going to come crashing down on you and you're not going to be able to deal with it on your own."
"Jesus, Alice. You make it sound like I'm teetering on the edge of insanity here." I understood that Alice was concerned for me, but her concern was somewhat exaggerated, I felt. "I'm not. Yes, it's all very overwhelming, but I can handle this. As long as I know I have you and Edward there with me, I really think I can handle this. Please don't turn me away," I added quickly, quietly, at the end.
'I would never, Bella. I would never," Alice said reaching out and pulling me into a hug. She held me to her firmly, our heads resting on each other's shoulders.
"I just want so much for you to be happy, Bella." I could hear Alice's voice crack as she spoke and my tears fell anew. "You have no idea what your happiness means to me." I gripped Alice tightly. I wanted her to know just how much I loved her, just how much her friendship truly meant to me and just how much I appreciated the fact that she had been there for me, supporting me, through everything. Presently, Alice pulled away.
"Just promise me something," she said, looking me squarely in the eye. "Promise me that if it all gets to be too much, you'll tell me. You'll tell Edward, too." I thought about this for a moment before nodding. Alice smiled at me, laughing lightly as she reached up to dab at her eyes with the tips of her fingers. We both laughed at ourselves then. Leave it to the two of us to end up in tears on the couch. It wasn't the first time it had happened, and I was certain it wouldn't be the last.
"Let's eat," I said, eying my plate hungrily. My stomach growled again. "I'm famished!" Alice laughed at me.
"I can see that!"
I reached out and pulled the coffee table forward, greatly reducing the risk that either Alice or I would drop a forkful of spaghetti onto the floor, before sinking my fork into the pasta and expertly winding it into a small ball. I slipped it into my mouth and moaned.
"This sauce is fantastic, Alice," I exclaimed.
"Thanks," she laughed. "I pulled it out of your freezer." I laughed, too. I knew it was my sauce. Alice didn't have near enough time to prepare this sauce, and while Alice may have been known for many things, cooking was not one of them.
"I'm so thankful that you can talk to Edward about everything, Bella," Alice mused as she munched on some garlic toast. "I'm so thankful he understands," she added, "although I never doubted he would."
"He's been beyond supportive," I agreed.
"Have you told him everything?" Alice asked me a little while later, placing firm emphasis on the word everything. I had finished eating my food and was leaning back against the cushions now, feeling very sleepy.
"Most everything," I mumbled. Alice looked over at me, smiling lightly.
"All finished?" She asked, and I nodded my head. Alice gathered up the dishes and took them to the kitchen. I glanced up at the clock on the wall. It would be a few hours yet before I could talk to Edward. Taking a nap seemed like a really good idea. I reached for the controller to the stereo and turned the music back up before letting my eyes flutter closed. I could feel my whole body relaxing, preparing to give itself over to sleep. I hoped it would be a restful sleep but I also hoped that Alice would hang around just in case it wasn't.
"Did you tell him about Xavier?"
Alice called to me from the kitchen, her question registering with me immediately. My eyes were once again open, staring pointedly at her.
'What's the point," I said coolly. "It's irrelevant, really." Alice looked out at me from where she was washing our dishes in the sink.
"You're right," she said. "It is irrelevant, which is why I don't understand why you'd choose to lie to him about it." I sat up straight on the couch then, again finding myself angry with Alice and very much annoyed because of it.
"I haven't lied about anything, Alice," I defended myself. "I just…I'm just not ready to talk about that. Jesus, Alice, it took everything I had just to tell him about the accident," I said, shaking my head. I was visibly upset again and Alice frowned.
"All right, Bella. I understand. It's enough for you for now. I just don't think you should keep secrets. Nothing good ever comes from keeping secrets." I stared at Alice and she stared right back at me. She just had to make this one last point, because she knew that I knew she was right. But there was an appropriate time and an appropriate place for everything and I knew that I needed more time to try and sort through everything I was feeling before muddying the waters any further. I lay back down on the couch, falling quickly into a deep, deep sleep.
When I awoke the apartment lay still, encased in darkness. Alice was nowhere in sight. I gathered she'd left after I'd fallen asleep. I glanced at the clock on the wall while rubbing my eyes. It was after midnight. I'd been asleep for hours. I sat up on the couch, stretching. I was fully awake now and fully aware of the fact that I was alone. Edward was gone. Alice was gone. It was just me…well, me and Johann anyway. I did derive a small amount of comfort from the giant furry form curled snug in a ball at my feet, but he wasn't Alice and he most certainly wasn't Edward. I could feel my breath hitch in my throat as I considered the fact that I was very much alone and had to close my eyes to try and remember to take deep breaths. I invoked an image of Alice warning me to breathe. "Breathe, Bella," she'd always say when I was starting to panic. I took three slow, deep breaths before opening my eyes again and quickly running through numbers in my head. Edward would be arriving in London at 8:10 in the morning local time, which meant the time here in New York would be 3:10 in the morning. I sighed. I wasn't sure I could manage to stay awake for another three hours, but I would try.
I stood up and wandered over to my cello. I picked it up and propped it between my legs, choosing not to bother with my music stand. I didn't really feel like practicing Bach, or Haydn or Schubert. I had something else in mind this evening. I set to work immediately, trying to sort out the melody that had taken hold in my head these last few weeks. I hadn't bothered with it before now. I spent most of my free time with Edward, which meant that I had little time to tinker with unnamed melodies when I practiced.
I still managed to play my cello five hours a day, every day of the week, but that time was dedicated to practicing my orchestral, trio and solo pieces. The orchestra would be performing their semi-annual concert in early December and I would be performing as the soloist in Haydn's cello concerto. Two weeks later I would be playing Bach's sixth cello suite for my senior review. And somewhere in there – I couldn't remember the exact date, Jasper, Jake and I would be performing Schubert for the Manhattan Chamber Music Society's Annual High Tea event. Given all this, I was focused when I practiced my cello, having little time to spend indulging my creative side. But there was this melody I just couldn't seem to let go, a melody that lingered in my thoughts during the day and filtered through into my dreams at night. And as I began to run the bow across the strings I realized why.
It was Edward. It was all Edward.
I didn't think about much else other than Edward as I played late into the night. I allowed my feelings for Edward to guide me as I worked through the music. But really, it was hardly any work at all. Everything flowed naturally, just falling into place, much like my relationship with Edward, I mused, and by three a.m., when my phone buzzed on the coffee table, I was ready to notate my music on paper. Of course there were more pressing matters that needed to be attended to now. I laid my cello down by my side and lunged for the coffee table, startling Johann and knocking over my drink of water in the process. "Smooth move, Swan," I muttered to myself. I was such an insufferable klutz! When I grabbed my phone I saw there was a message waiting from Edward.
I've finally landed. It's late there and you're probably sleeping. I won't call. Just wanted you to know that I love you and miss you terribly, already. Sweet Dreams. E
And just like that, I melted. I could feel my hand trembling, could feel tears of relief welling up in my eyes. I hadn't realized just how much I missed Edward until now, until I was able to reconnect with him. I debated calling him but decided to text him back instead. He'd know I was crying if he heard my voice and I didn't want him to worry.
Can't sleep. I miss you. It's been less than 24 hours and already I feel like I can't breathe. B
I texted him back almost immediately.
12 hours, 10 minutes and counting. I miss you, too.
Had it really been that long already? Half a day had already passed. Only six and a half days to go. But it felt like forever.
I'm going to see you again, right? Reassure me, E. Please.
I was suddenly gripped with an overwhelming need to know he was coming back, to know he was coming home to me.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief.
It won't be soon enough.
I wanted him with me now, needed him with me now.
For me either. Sleep now. It's late. You're going to be destroyed tomorrow.
He was right. I would be miserable come morning but that meant little to me in that moment.
No matter. I wanted to talk to you. I love you.
I waited for Edward to buzz me back to tell me that he loved me too, but the phone rang instead. My heart skipped a beat, anxiously anticipating the moment in which I would hear his voice. I accepted the call and brought the phone to my ear.
"I love you, too. Sweet dreams, Bella," he whispered softly into the phone before I ever even had the chance to say hello. I smiled to myself. Now that I knew Edward was safe, now that I'd been able to hear his voice, my body was finally beginning to relax. The events of the day were catching up with me and I could feel it as sleep claimed my weary body. I felt myself sinking back into the cushions of the couch. I lay down, pulling the afghan with me, all the while listening to the steady rhythm of Edward's breathing as he slowly inhaled and exhaled into the phone.
"I'm not sure I can sleep without you," I murmured sleepily into the phone, though I knew sleep would claim me, regardless. Edward chuckled softly.
"Would it help if I hummed to you?" He wondered aloud.
"Mmm hmm," I managed to say. With my eyes closed and the phone pressed tight to my ear, I could almost convince myself that Edward was actually there with me, arms wrapped round me, whispering into my ear. I listened as the soft melody filtered through the phone, the gentle cadence of Edward's voice as he hummed to me lulling me to sleep.
"I love you," I whispered softly as sleep finally claimed me. And the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep was the sound of Edward humming his beautiful melody to me.
I awoke with a start a little after eight the following morning. I had a mid morning class on Monday which I had to attend. It was an independent study course, a group of ten of us having chosen to take a semester to perform an in-depth study of French composer and theoretician Jean Philippe Rameau's Treatise on Harmony. It was a grueling undertaking, with the marriage of mathematics and music never having been clearer to me than it was after studying the Treatise. Lately I'd been reading excerpts of the Treatise to Edward. It worked wonders at putting him to sleep.
The Treatise aside, Edward thoroughly enjoyed discussing my schoolwork with me. He often assisted me with my compositions and I was teaching him how to conduct an orchestra, as well. He loved to conduct, said that it allowed him to connect with the music on an entirely different level than when he simply played. I understood exactly how he felt. As a musician in an orchestra, while I was always aware of the other players, I focused primarily on my own performance. Despite the fact that I was playing in an ensemble, it was still a very intimate experience for me. But it was entirely different when one conducted.
When one conducts, one has to be keenly aware of every section of the orchestra as its own entity as well as of the orchestra as a whole. As a conductor, you are responsible for ensuring the entry of each individual section of the orchestra as well as for keeping a steady beat. But conducting is so much more than that. As a conductor, you are ultimately responsible for interpreting the composer's music. It's a tall order, one most people find very difficult to fulfill. Edward had taken to it naturally though, but that didn't surprise me. He felt music much like I did, not as an extension of, but rather as an integral part of his being.
By the time I made it to class that morning, Edward had already completed three separate interviews with local media in London and was headed off to his hotel for a quick shower before being ushered off to more interviews. These interviews would be followed by a dinner event with Daniella Martinez and Johnathon Saunders, the very eccentric director of the first two films in the trilogy. Another press event would immediately follow dinner. I'd spoken with Edward before leaving for class, urging him to try and get a little rest before the evening's events. They had him scheduled so tightly and he already sounded so tired. When I hung up with Edward, my thoughts lingered on Daniella Martinez.
I truthfully hadn't given much thought to the fact that Edward would be spending the next week in the company of Daniella, until now. I didn't want for it to bother me, but it did. I remembered clearly the connection they'd seemed to share in the photo in the magazine I'd bought in the supermarket, months back. Once again, I cursed myself for ever having purchased that tabloid because now I had a mental image of Daniella standing by Edward's side, his arm draped affectionately around her waist, the both of them smiling brightly for the cameras.
"And that's all it is, Bella," I scolded myself sharply. "It's a media display," I reasoned.
"What's that?" I jumped as Jasper jogged over to my side, punching me lightly on my arm in greeting. "You're talking to yourself again, Bells," Jasper teased.
"Was I?" I laughed aloud, having not even realized I was vocalizing my internal discourse.
"Uh huh. You mumbled something about a media display."
I sighed, rolling my eyes at myself. I'd need to keep things in check so as not to embarrass myself any more.
"Are you ready for this?" Jasper asked, feigning trepidation as he held the door to the classroom open for me. I laughed. If we all managed to survive picking apart the Treatise it would be a cause for a great celebration.
Two and a half hours later, after having meticulously reviewed books one and two of the Treatise covering harmonic ratios and chords, respectfully, Jasper and I emerged from the classroom. I was starving and Jasper suggested we go off campus for lunch, which was just fine with me. After having picked apart the relationship between harmonic ratios and proportions as well as having studied the nature and properties of chords, I was ready for a complete break from my academic studies. Besides, I didn't have any other obligations on campus until later in the afternoon and I planned on practicing the cello that evening at home. I placed a quick call to Edward while Jasper conversed with another student from our class but it went immediately to voice mail. I figured he would be heading to the next press event right about now so I didn't bother trying to call back. Instead, I left him a message telling him that I loved him and asking him to call me when he had a chance. I felt Jasper tugging on my arm to catch my attention and we headed across campus towards the metro.
"Did you ask Alice to join us?" I asked as we descended the stairs into the metro. Jasper shook his head.
"She wasn't feeling well this morning."
"That's curious," I replied, furrowing my brow. "She seemed fine yesterday evening. God I hope she doesn't get what I had a few weeks ago. That was awful."
"Nah," Jasper shook his head again. "It's nothing like that. She said she was just tired, though she did look a little pale to me. I just talked with her and she said she's declaring a day of rest. She's situated herself in bed with the latest fashion magazines," he chuckled. I laughed, too. That was so Alice.
"So…" Jasper started as we took two seats side by side in the metro car. Jasper sat slouched in his seat, his legs spread comfortably out in front of him. His head was slightly hung and he was fiddling with his iPod which rested in his lap. "How are you?" He asked hesitantly. It was obvious that he was genuinely concerned about me, but I couldn't help but laugh at his seriousness.
"I'm fine, Jasper," I said, shaking my head. Jasper glanced up at me, shooting me a shy smile. "I'm not that emotionally fragile, you know," I added a little bit defensively. Jasper met my gaze and nodded his head ever so slightly up and down.
"I know," he whispered. "I also know you're dealing with a lot right now. I just wanted you to know that Alice isn't the only one that's thinking of you. I hope you know by now that if you ever need anything…to talk…or just hang out and try and forget things for awhile…I'm here for you. That's all." I studied Jasper intently for a moment, slowly nodding my head. He was such a gentle soul, similar to Edward in so many ways. No matter what my mood, I always felt an incredible sense of calm when I was with Jasper. I was so thankful to have him in my life, even if there was a part of me that kept him at arm's length.
As we exited the metro I noted an averaged height girl with long flowing blonde locks secured by a thin brown headband standing off to the side. She'd shared the same metro car as Jasper and me, though I hadn't been fully aware of her presence until we all stepped from the car and ascended the stairs into the street. She shot a curious glance in our direction, immediately looking away when I noticed her staring. She was young, looked to be about my age, and pretty in an average sort of way. Much like myself, I thought. She brushed past us, never looking back, but I was certain she'd taken more than a passing interest in us. I wasn't sure why I felt this way. I just did.
Jasper and I made our way into a little Jewish Deli. I ordered my standard fare, latkes with heaping portions of applesauce and sour cream, while Jasper ordered a corned beef on rye sandwich, the size of which always astounded me. The sandwich was piled high with freshly shaven corned beef tucked between two pieces of freshly baked rye bread. It looked delicious, but I couldn't' fathom how I could fit my mouth around the sandwich to take a bite so I always ordered the latkes.
Jasper and I passed an hour eating our lunches and chatting casually with one another about the Treatise, among other things. Jasper lamented the fact that Jake wasn't around as much and I immediately felt a twinge of guilt. Thus far, Jake and I hadn't discussed the events of that evening, weeks in the past. We had continued to see one another in our one shared class as well as in orchestra and string trio practice, but our relationship had turned very sterile, for lack of a better word. We were the consummate professionals, refusing to allow a personal rift to interfere with our work as musicians, but we were nothing more than that anymore and it did make me feel a little sad.
Jasper left to check on Alice soon after we shared a ridiculously decadent pastry and I was just collecting my things to get ready to return to campus when I saw her again. She was standing just inside the door to the deli, staring at me, a very curious smile tugging at her lips. I glanced in her direction, smiling a small smile in an attempt to be polite, but her presence was making me nervous. I had no idea who this girl was but it was clear that she knew me.
"Isabella Marie Swan," I heard her address me in a very formal manner and she immediately had my attention. "Little girl lost," she added as she made her way over to where I still sat. I froze, unable to say or do anything in that moment except stare. And I could feel it as it washed over me. It was an emotion I was well acquainted with and that I recognized instantly. Panic.
"That's what they called you, isn't it?" She pondered out loud in a hushed voice. As if she'd need any confirmation. She knew exactly who I was and all about my past, of that much I was certain. She held out her hand to me as she approached the table but I refused to extend her my own. Whoever this girl was, I could see that she wasn't here as a friend.
"I'm Jessica…" she said, her smile dripping with insincerity. "Jessica Stanley." She paused for a moment, studying me carefully before withdrawing her hand and pulling out a chair to sit down.
"How do you know who I am?" I asked point blank. I didn't know who this girl was but I wasn't in the mood to play games. Jessica returned my pointed stare before reaching into her bag and withdrawing a pencil and a pad of paper, making sure to take her time. She placed both on the table before looking back up at me and smiling.
"Don't play dumb, Bella," Jessica said sharply. I shivered as I realized this girl even knew my nickname. "You're dating Edward Cullen. Sooner or later everyone is going to know who you are, whether you like it or not." I gulped, though I tried hard to make sure Jessica didn't notice. My hands were clasped tightly together in my lap. I was nervous as hell, but I couldn't let Jessica see this.
"What is it you want from me?" I asked, trying hard to hold her stare. I didn't want to back down, didn't want to let her get the upper hand here, but I wasn't sure what she wanted. I'd been totally unprepared for this. Up until now, Edward and I hadn't been bothered by the press at all. And though she hadn't said as much, I was quite certain this girl worked for some media outlet. Jessica smiled lightly at me, picking up her pencil and tapping it lightly on the table.
"I want the story," she said very simply.
"There's really no story to tell," I said evenly, hoping I could lie my way out of this.
'Oh?" Jessica asked, raising her eyebrows in a very dramatic fashion. She reached back down into her bag and withdrew a set of photos. She threw them on the table in front of me and I gasped. There, lying right before me in plain sight were pictures of Edward coming and going from my apartment building, pictures of us driving through the streets of New York in his Aston Martin…and pictures of the two of us standing together inside of Babies R Us. I took a deep breath, trying hard to come up with a reasonable explanation for the photos that lay in front of me, but I couldn't. And I was suddenly extremely pissed off. Edward and I weren't doing anything wrong! There was no reason for me to feel like I had to defend my relationship with Edward! There was no reason I should have to talk to this stranger about Edward!
"So you have pictures of Edward and me," I said, shrugging, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. "He's a friend." Jessica shook her head slowly.
"Yes, a friend. A rather intimate friend," she added, pulling another photograph from her bag. This one was of Edward and I embracing in Babies R Us, our foreheads pressed together. I picked up the photo and stared at it, knowing full well the story it told. Edward and I were two people deeply in love. It was completely obvious. There could be no denying it. And then I wondered to myself. Should we really continue to hide? Or perhaps the more pertinent question was COULD we really continue to hide? I didn't want to weave a web of lies. Edward and I were together and sooner or later this fact was going to come out. But I'd be damned if it was going to come out now.
"Is this all?" I asked, making to get up from my seat, "because if there's nothing else, I really have to be going."
"I'll print the pictures, Bella," Jessica said in a vaguely threatening tone of voice. I shrugged, reaching down and picking up my bag.
"Edward and I have nothing to hide," I said, feeling suddenly confident.
"I'll print the pictures…and the story," Jessica threatened again, and I felt my body go rigid with stress.
"What story?" I seethed, turning to face her. "There is no story. I've given you no story to tell."
"Your story alone is enough to garner national attention, Bella, especially if published alongside a particularly intimate photo of you and Edward two weeks before the premiere of his new film," Jessica said pointedly, and she had my attention. "Little girl, lost," she mused aloud, tapping her pencil on the table. "Such a sad story, Bella. I'm really terribly sorry about what happened to you. You were so young to have to live through such a monumental tragedy. It nearly drove you to the brink of insanity, didn't it? It was all too much to handle so you were sent away for psychiatric treatment. I realize that none of it was your fault, but really, how do you think it would look if a story were published that not only confirmed the romance between you and Edward Cullen but also exposed your pitiable past…two weeks before the premiere of By the Light of the Moon? It wouldn't look good, Bella. I can assure you, it wouldn't look good."
I wanted to say something, to say anything to defend myself and Edward, but I just stood there, stunned by what Jessica was suggesting she would do. My head was spinning and I was beginning to feel dizzy. I felt trapped, and it was clear that Jessica had me between a rock and a hard place. I had no where to turn. I could feel tiny beads of perspiration forming at my hairline.
"What exactly are you proposing, Jessica," I asked, wanting her to get directly to the point and knowing full well I wouldn't like what she had to say.
"I propose that you give me a few exclusive details about your relationship with Edward. I'll print a very nice and sweet story about the two of you along with a stock photo of the two of you at the gala event. He'll appear as a prince, and you a young princess swept off of your feet. I promise you, it will be all sunshine and roses."
"And if I refuse?"
"I'll print your full story, Bella, the good, the bad and the ugly. I'll leave no stone unturned. Your entire past will be plastered all over the pages of my magazine. I can guarantee you it won't be pretty. And it most definitely won't look good for Edward. Oh yes. And the picture? I'll print the picture of the two of you in Babies R Us and let the readers decide just what it was the two of you were doing in the store that evening." I hung my head, shaking it slowly back and forth.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked quietly. Jessica shrugged.
"It's called journalism, Bella."
"No, it's called blackmail," I seethed. "You're blackmailing me with my past, with something I have absolutely no control over."
"I know. It's a pity, isn't it?" Jessica smiled lightly at me and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to lunge at her and knock her to the floor. I was absolutely disgusted by her and her behavior. I'd always known the tabloids sunk to low levels to get their stories but this was beyond pathetic. And sadly enough, it was my pathetic past, as Jessica had so aptly described it that was now threatening to smear Edward's public image, two weeks before the much anticipated premiere of By the Light of the Moon none the less. And I knew in that moment I had no other choice. I couldn't let the media shift its focus from the premiere of his film to that of his broken girlfriend. The studio would be livid, and Melinda – who I already felt was encouraging Edward to break things off with me anyway - would be, too.
"We met on a red-eye flight from L.A. to New York…"
It was a long afternoon and an even longer evening. After I finished talking with Jessica I returned to campus. My cello professor ended up asking me to stay late to go over the Haydn concerto with her. Our winter performance was fast approaching and there were still some passages I was having some difficulty with. We worked out some different fingering for two of the passages and though I was exhausted from practice, it had been extremely productive. Even after all these years I was still learning to master my instrument. I tried calling Edward on my way home from school but he still wasn't answering his phone. I cursed, quickly typing out a text and hoping he might respond to it, but he didn't.
I hadn't spoken with Edward since my conversation with Jessica earlier in the afternoon and I knew it was imperative that I do so sooner rather than later. I'd all but confirmed to the tabloids that Edward and I were dating. I'd given Jessica the details she wanted while at the same time trying to be as vague as possible. I told her how Edward and I had met and that we shared a joint passion for music. I went on to say that we'd been spending time together while he filmed his current movie here in New York and that we enjoyed each other's company but that ultimately he would be leaving New York in January and I would remain behind to finish my studies at Julliard. I tried to play our relationship off as good friends but Jessica knew better. I wasn't exactly sure what spin she would place on her story but I guessed it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that it was devoid of any information about my past.
I wasn't naïve. I didn't think for one minute that my past wouldn't eventually come to light. It wouldn't take much digging on anyone's part for that to occur. But for now I was hoping that the little bit of information that I'd shared would satisfy the public's curiosity and that they would leave Edward and me alone – at least until after the premiere.
It was after eight when I finally returned home, throwing open the door to my apartment and flicking on the light switch. Johann greeted me enthusiastically at the door, wagging his tail and licking my hand, and if my mind hadn't of been completely preoccupied I would have taken him for a walk. But all that mattered now was that I speak with Edward. Truthfully, I was starting to become mildly annoyed that he hadn't returned any of my texts or calls. I knew that he had attended dinner and a press event that evening but it was after one in the morning in England now. I picked up my phone and decided to try calling him one last time. If he didn't answer again, I decided I would wait and speak with him in the morning. He was probably asleep in bed, exhausted from the travel and press events, I thought as the phone rang in my ear. So it was that I was mildly surprised, yet thoroughly anxious to talk to Edward, when his line picked up. Only it wasn't Edward that answered the phone, though I instantly recognized the voice of the person that did. It was lush and exotic and heavily accented. And it belonged to Daniella. It belonged to none other than Daniella Martinez.
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