Why hello there! This chapter went in a completely different direction than I expected it to go. Like apparently there is a gala now. I wasn't even planning on there ever being a gala in this story. I like to keep us all on our toes... especially me. Oh well! I write what keeps me interested and what I like to read in stories. I still love suggestions, though! Enjoy the chapter!
XOXO
Rey was coming to have a very different relationship with sleep than she had had in the past. She dreamt of him. She dreamt of him every night. She dreamt of living other lives with him. She dreamt of living out her life with him. She dreamt of fighting him violently, passionately. She dreamt of loving him just as violently and passionately although sometimes also delicately and preciously. She dreamt of hand touches, of force holds, of kisses, of him ripping through her mind, of his soft voice, of his trembling anger, of a red room, of him taking Han's life, of him saving her life... she dreamt of him. She dreamt of him and she didn't know if that made her want to dream more or less, sleep more or less.
At first she slept more. She even tried to sleep at the times she thought he would be asleep in hopes of trying to rectify her relationship with him, to explain herself, to see him in the world of their dreams since he shut off their bond during his every waking hour. The dreams were never in her control, though. If she knew it was a dream it usually didn't stop the force from turning her and Ben into puppets where they could barely control what they said to each other. Many of the dreams she didn't realize were dreams until after she had woken up. On those nights, she struggled to pin down the cloud like wisps of her memories of those dreams so she could look back on them. She would spend hours,spend the rest of the day thinking about it until her next dream the next night. Sometimes she saw dreams that she knew belonged to just Ben and she was only an observer. Sometimes she had dreams that were just hers. Sometimes she couldn't figure out who was having the dream whether it be filled with anger, pain, love, or lust.
Soon Rey began to feel Ben's presence less and less in her dreams. Her sleeping habits fluxed from sleeping all the time in hopes of connecting with him once more to not sleeping at all because of how worried and anxious she was becoming. Her sleeping schedule wildly fluxed from one extreme to another over the course of the weeks that their bond was blocked by him.
She constantly wondered if he wasn't sleeping so their bond couldn't come back in his unconscious state. She wondered if he didn't like the dreams. She wondered if he was having a hard time sleeping. She wondered if something was wrong wherever he was and it was keeping him up. She wondered if he was safe. She wondered if he missed her.
She missed him. It was unbearable, illogical, and frustrating. He was violent. He was smug. He took things without permission whether it be a kiss or a life. He shoved himself into her life. He always had to be right. His anger knew no bounds... as did his heart. Why would she miss that? Why should she miss that? She shouldn't. Their bond was as closed off as it could be without being completely broken, though, and instead of seeing it as a needed reprieve, it made her ache. Her mind ached trying to get through to him. Her body ached from always being tense. Her chest ached. Her gut ached. Her heart ache. Her skin ached.
Ben was tired.
He was hurt, he was angry, and he was tired. He was full of so much disgust, such a sense of betrayal, a numbing sense of exhaustion, and overwhelming bitter sadness. And his mind wouldn't turn off. He was constantly haunted by his thoughts and his doubts, he was constantly reminded about her from the incessant nagging he could feel from her trying to get through to him, from his mind always coming back to her... his damned dreams wouldn't even rest.
He couldn't remember what silence was like but all at the same time life felt so quiet without her. Nothing he did felt finished, nothing he said sounded right, everywhere he went he felt like he was forgetting something; he was infuriatingly so incomplete without her. He finally had everything he had been working towards and yet it all felt so fruitless and empty, tedious and worthless.
He spent hours, days even, trying to make sense of everything. He didn't sleep in fear of slipping, being weak, and going back to her. He couldn't bare to see her in his dream anymore so he just didn't sleep. He tried to put himself back to where he was before her. He had his mask again. He tolerated very little and valued even less than that. He pushed all of his frustrations into his anger, pushing out all of his anger into violent fits until he felt hollow and weak. He terrorized and tortured any expendable men within reach, wishing it was the pilot, and adding more aggression in his actions whenever he thought that he should have killed the pilot when he had the chance. He exercised more than ever before, relishing in the burn that engulfed his muscles and lungs, feeling it match the burning he already felt in his chest and the burning he once felt across his face. Rey had damaged and burned him once before. He healed from that but the mark will always remain. He doesn't know how likely it is for him to heal a second time without the scar tissue warping him into more of a monster than he already was.
And he was… he was a monster. She deserved so much better than him. The Force was doing her wrong trying to bind them together, to make her love him. It was laughable to think that she would ever love someone like him. He saw the dream of her talking to his father. "You love him," his father said and Rey had admitted that she did. Which him did she love, though? Because he distinctly remembered her perfect lips pressed against the chapped and too welcoming lips of the pilot right before her being asked any question about love. Ben didn't need the Force to try to manipulate him into feeling loved by Rey. He wasn't blind. Poe was just as written into her life as he was… and the more he thought about it the more he was convinced that the pilot was the better man.
The more he thought about the more he felt sick. The more he thought about it the more he felt angry. The more he thought about it the more he ached for her. And he did. He ached for her down to his core. It left him breathless. It made him grind his teeth. It made him ball his hands into such tight fists his nails sliced into his palms.
He missed her.
And even if she didn't love him, he loved her.
"What has crawled in your helmet, Ren?" Hux's voice pulled Ben from his daze. Ben's dark eyes hidden by his dark helmet shot to the disinterested yet disdainful sour expression on the ginger's pale face. "I mean, you are often wound up but this is excessive." He turned to face Ben more, brow raised. "Is it because of Skywalker? You've been acting more and more strange by the day since your confrontation with him." He tilted his head as he shrugged before sipping at the coffee in his gloved hand. "I mean, you did make a fool of yourself when everyone saw that you were fighting a projection of the man and still losing."
Ben, without a word, knocked the coffee out of Hux's hand. The hot liquid flew all over the freshly pressed uniform that Hux wore, making him yelp in a decidedly unmasculine manner.
Hux's face turned redder than his hair while he wiped at his uniform and his eyes shot daggers at his superior, knowing he shan't say anything that would get him anything worse than spilt coffee. Oh how he wished he had pulled the trigger of that blaster while Kylo was on the ground and unconscious when he had the chance…
He cleared his throat and gave Ben a tight smile. "Have you considered perhaps finding a different outlet for your frustrations?" He asked as he dabbed at his shirt. "We arrive at Brentaal IV shortly. Why don't you let me worry about preparing for the gala with the trade guilds? You can spend your time there on a short vacation and take advantage of the wonderful adult company that can be acquired there. You don't like dressing up for galas anyway and it's not like you're the sociable type. The gala is supposed to secure our alliances with them and communicate about the newest weapons, plans, et cetera. It's all business. No doubt there is better business to attend to." Hux was giving his unplanned speech to Kylo for several reasons: Hux wanted to be in control of as much as he could until he would eventually control it all, leaving Kylo in the dust; Kylo would ruin any chances of making any alliances stronger with his anger problems and impatience; Hux didn't want to die and if getting Kylo laid to get some frustrations out saved Hux's ass, he was all for it.
Ben cocked his head to the side, feeling his stomach clench painfully at the image of Rey as one of the girls to provide such 'wonderful adult company' on Brentaal. He found it hard to breathe, "You want me to hire a prostitute?"
Hux waved a hand, "Worry not, old friend. It'll be my treat."
"I'm not interested." With that, Ben turned on his heel to walk from the room.
"I know, I know… prostitutes are dirty, unforgivable little things aren't they?" Hux made a face a shrugged before adding, "It's not like they are people so I wouldn't worry. Women hardly ever should be considered people in general. Phasma was the exception, rest her soul." A twisted smile appeared on his lips, "Do you remember that scavenger girl? The boyish little thing with the buns? I can't wait to put her in her place. For such a blip, she has caused-" His sentence was cut off as he felt his airway get crushed.
Ben glared at Hux from behind his mask, wishing it was his hand crushing the man's throat instead of his Force but his Force started choking him before he could lift a finger. "You talk too much." He started walking again. "I am in no need for hired help, your help, or any help at all. Report to me after we have landed and are ready to release our officers for temporary sabbatical while we are there." He released Hux from his Force choke and left the room, leaving the red head gasping for air.
Ben kept to his quarters, stretching and working out his lean muscles. His body thirsted for sleep but he refused. Not only was he resisting sleep as long as he could because every sleep broke his heart just a little bit more but he felt the ship land earlier. He knew that it was any minute that Hux would bumble his way into the room to announce the release officers.
As if on cue, the door to Ben's quarters opened. Ben straightened and wiped at his face with a towel. "Took you long enough," he commented and gave Hux an unimpressed look. Only, it wasn't Hux at his door. It was a human woman.
"My apologies," the woman said with a small bow to the head, her golden hair fell over one slender shoulder.
Ben looked at her in expectation, unsure as to why a strange woman in garments that would never be approved on a vessel such as the one they were on was in his personal quarters. The security breach alone was enough to warrant questions let alone her attire or intentions.
The woman misinterpreted his look of expectation and effortlessly let her semi sheer garments fall to the floor, revealing her bare oiled body to him. She gave him an inviting smile as she walked to his bed.
Ben's eyes widened in shock, completely caught off guard by the turn of events. Hux sent a prostitute to his personal quarters! He was so dumbfounded by the situation that was becoming more out of hand by the second as the woman sprawled on his pristine white sheets-that he would now have to incinerate because no one touched his sheets except for him-that his guard fell.
Almost immediately he felt Rey rush through all his senses. He felt her mind, raw from trying to get to him for weeks but only hitting a wall, mix with his in a way that fit better than it should have, in a way that felt good. Having their bond swell to life felt like a first breath of oxygen that he didn't know he needed. He could breathe again.
The breath was taken away as quickly as it was given to him when he felt her sense what was in his room with him, when he felt her see who was in his room with him. He tried to build up his wall and break the bond once more but he knew it was too late. He knew she already saw. And he felt sick.
"Out," he said lowly, backing away from the woman so he didn't hurt her.
"What was that?" She asked in confusion, her voice which had been sultry and low now was normal and laced in confusion.
"Get out," Ben's voice shook and he slammed his fist against the wall, making her jump. He watched her with wide eyes and a locked jaw as she quickly picked up her discarded belongings and fled. Once she was gone, he thrashed more viciously at anything he could get his hands on. He tore at the walls. He pushed anything over that wasn't attached. He yelled. He roared. He destroyed as much as he could, only stopping when a smear of blood caught his eye.
He looked down at his hands, shredded and raw. His nails were broken. His skin was bloody. He looked around the room, feeling suffocated by the destruction he created. His hands stung. His eyes stung. His lip trembled. He sunk to the floor, tangling his dark locks with his fingers and pulling until it hurt.
He should feel good that Rey experienced what he felt every time he saw her with Poe. He should relish in the karma but all he could think about was how she could be hurting like he hurt. He had wished for her to hurt like she hurt him but now that the opportunity was had, Ben regretted ever wishing anything. It felt wrong and unnatural. It just hurt him more. He had such a desire to protect her and it was stupid. It was illogical. He hated it. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't what she thought. That…
Images of her telling him the exact same thing ran through his mind and he buried his face in his hands. Was everything with the pilot really not what he thought it was? Did Ben ruin everything right when they were about to be better than they had ever been before?
The bitterness that he felt when he had thought he was betrayed by Rey filled his entire form, poisoning his blood. Was he the one that betrayed her by not believing her? Was he the one at fault? And now to hurt her like this?
No, a resentful part of him spoke up. She is as much at fault as you are. If she valued you, she wouldn't have allowed the pilot to get that close.
Or perhaps… Another part spoke up, perhaps she is simply too good for you and the pilot both.
Ben shook his head and stood up on shaky legs. He silently walked to his bed and stripped the sheets before laying on the bare mattress. He didn't know what to believe or what to think. He just wanted to sleep and heal and have a good head on his shoulders at the gala tomorrow.
Rey sat on her bunk, stunned, hurt, and a little queasy. Did she just see what she thought she saw? Did he do that just to mess with her head? To hurt her? She stared down at her bare feet, unsure of what to think or what to feel. She had been so excited to feel Ben open up his side of the bond that she jumped blindly into a sabotage. She felt like she had been slapped across the face. Is that how Ben felt when he saw her with Poe? The thought made her swallow thickly.
"Hey," Finn's voice pulled her from her painful thoughts.
She looked up at him silently.
He gave her a sympathetic smile. He knew she had been having a rough couple of weeks. "You should try to get some sleep. Everyone is going to want to talk to the 'war heroes' at the gala tomorrow," he told her, wiggling his eyebrows until he got a small smile from her.
Rey nodded and silently laid down in the foreign ship bunk as they flew to Brentaal for the annual gala in hopes of trying to get a few more investors to back their cause.