Chapter Eleven: Green-Eyed Monster
In which Alfred makes friends with nearly everyone and Spades celebrates the New Year.
Arthur had recognized several difficult tendencies in Alfred during his training—Alfred liked to call tradition stupid and he never understood the purpose of etiquette—but Arthur thought that the King's exemplary conduct at the coronation had marked an end to his difficult behavior. Instead, it seemed that the coronation had merely been the calm before the storm. Despite his woeful lack of knowledge and experience, Alfred seemed determined to start making decisions immediately instead of deferring to Arthur and Chun-Yan.
Alfred began his first official meeting with Arthur and Chun-Yan by offering a harebrained plan. "I think we should open up all of the positions in the Castle to everyone, including commoners. We should have like a test to make sure the best folks get the jobs, even if they don't have a noble patron," he said enthusiastically.
"A test?" Arthur asked flatly.
"Yeah! It'll ask important stuff to make sure they're good at the job."
"Alfred," Arthur said with a sigh, "you should learn how this country works before you offer up ridiculous ideas to change it."
"Arthur, don't act like you know better than me." Alfred looked uncommonly serious, his eyes narrowed and his lips forced downward in an unnatural frown.
"But I do know better. I know how this country runs, while you know practically nothing," Arthur responded dismissively.
"I know a lot! I know how to catch fish and how to build boats. I know how to herd cattle and how to shear sheep. I know what makes this country run."
"Common skills," Arthur huffed.
"You mean a commoner's skills," Alfred retorted. "Do you think this country just runs itself? No, it's the work of commoners working damn hard each day. You shouldn't just dismiss their efforts when you can't do any of that stuff. You ignore them just like you ignore the servants, just like you ignore everyone you consider beneath you, which is basically everyone!"
"So you think we should put cow-milking on the test? Our accountants won't be able to balance the books, but at least they'll never lack for dairy," Arthur said sarcastically.
"That's not what I meant. Maybe if you actually listened instead of just immediately dismissing everything that isn't traditional or historical or old like you."
"You're the one that never listens," Arthur replied.
"Bì zuǐ!" Chun-Yan yelled, succeeding in getting them both to shut up."I think it's a good idea, aru," she said, derailing Arthur and Alfred's argument. "I've noticed many of the noble patrons are easily swayed by bribes. This would be a fairer system."
"Really?" asked Alfred hopefully. "I mean, of course you do, it's an awesome idea!"
"You'll never convince the royal council to go along with it." Arthur predicted with a scowl.
Arthur's scowl deepened even further at the next royal council meeting when the nobles actually voted in favor of Alfred's testing idea. Of course, Alfred benefited from the fact that Chun-Yan had put together a proper proposal describing the tests. She renamed it a Civil Service Examination, instead of Alfred's original name of 'that test thingie.'
Alfred flashed Arthur a victorious smile.
Arthur wasn't going to let Alfred think he had won anything. After the meeting, Arthur pulled Alfred aside in the hallway.
"Are you going to congratulate me?" Alfred asked with an infuriating grin.
"No." Arthur snapped. "I'm going to explain some realpolitik. The nobles know that your stupid test won't actually change anything. Nobles receive the best education, so they will score highest on the tests. A few exceptional commoners may take a position or two, but that will merely serve to make commoners believe they actually have a chance, even while most of them remain in their same lowly status. You think you've created a meritocracy, but you've merely enshrined the existing aristocracy. If you actually understood the current system, you would have realized that."
"At least I don't assume that things can never change."
"Forgive me for not sharing your unrealistic idealism." Arthur turned on his heels and walked away, not waiting for Alfred's reaction or his reply. If the clock had been trying to find a King who could work with Arthur, then it had horribly miscalculated.
Arthur had assumed that finding the King would end his problems and that the country would run smoothly as soon as the King was crowned. Instead, he found that everything went for smoothly for Alfred, but continued to fall apart for Arthur. The young blond king must have been born under a lucky star, because everything simply fell into his lap. No one said no to Alfred's zany ideas, no one commented on his lack of etiquette, and no one paid the slightest attention to Arthur's well-considered criticisms.
Even Chun-Yan, sensible, serious Chun-Yan, went along with Alfred's schemes. She converted what Alfred called his "vision thing" into actual plans with numbers and logistics. She claimed that Alfred helped her on the calculations, but Arthur found that exceedingly hard to believe. The young King couldn't tell a dessert fork from a salad fork, how could he possibly be better at math than Arthur? How could he be better at anything?
The worst part was how Alfred now ignored everything Arthur said. The young man had gone from hanging onto Arthur's every word to ignoring Arthur whenever he opened his mouth. He'd say, "Oh, don't listen to old man cranky pants," and the other nobles had the gall to laugh.
The absolute last straw came when Arthur saw Alfred at the Castle's New Year's celebration chatting happily with Stuart, Gavan, and Francis, Arthur's personal nightmare trio. Alfred had even allowed Francis to sling his arm over Alfred's shoulders and whisper what were most likely dirty comments into his ears. They all glanced over at Arthur, Francis made a comment, and then they all laughed.
Arthur flushed hot then cold. He walked over to confront his personal bêtes noires. Normally Arthur refused to even think in the language of Diamonds, but he found this phrase perfectly encapsulated his feelings towards Francis and his older brothers.
"Oh hey, Arthur, we were just talking about you," said Alfred cheerfully as Arthur approached their little clique. The other three snickered, telling Arthur all he needed to know about what they had been saying.
"Yes, I noticed," Arthur retorted dryly. He wasn't going to give his brothers the satisfaction of seeing how much this annoyed him.
"Is it true that you've navigated the Windward Passage?" Alfred asked. "These three keep talking about it like it's something special." Arthur scowled, trying to determine if the blond idiot had any idea what he was asking. Knowing Alfred, probably not.
"Oh yes, he's done it many times," Francis interjected. "But then, it's not terribly hard when you're piloting such a miniscule vessel."
"I believe that's your personal experience, not mine, Francis." Arthur was not going to let the King of Diamonds insult him so easily.
Alfred still looked confused. "So where is it? I don't remember it in any of my geography lessons."
"Oh, I think you could probably find it with both hands and a map," said Gavan in a sing-song voice. All three began to laugh again, clearly deriving great amusement from Alfred's innocence and naiveté.
"I bet Arthur would be willing tae help if you asked," said Stuart with a malicious grin.
"I would be quite pleased to render my personal assistance in the matter as well," Francis purred.
"Like hell you will!" Arthur shouted, drawing the startled glances of the people standing nearby. Arthur flushed, cursing his quick temper from getting the best of him.
"Alfred, I need to talk with you," he said, dragging the king away from Francis and into the hallway. Arthur didn't stop walking until they reached a small alcove suited for a private discussion. They stood uncomfortably close, the sounds of the party just a quiet murmur of background noise.
"What is Francis even doing here?" Arthur asked, exasperated that the bane of his existence had appeared in Spades without any warning.
"Stuart and Gavan thought it would be a good idea to invite him to the New Year's celebrations in Spades. Diamonds is our closest ally and it's good to maintain relations."
Arthur bit his tongue to prevent himself from making a snarky comment about the sort of relations the King of Diamonds wanted to maintain. Instead, he focused on the part about his brothers. "So you've been turning to my brothers for advice?" He growled out the word 'brothers.'
"Yeah, I have," said Alfred defiantly. "They're not that bad. They just like teasing you, you shouldn't be so uptight all the time."
"My brothers are and remain complete arseholes. End of discussion. Why didn't you think to ask me about inviting Francis?"
"Gee, Arthur, maybe because I already knew you were gonna say no. That's all you ever say, no to this, no to that. Don't you do anything but criticize?" Alfred whined. "I know you don't like Francis, but now that I've gotten to know him, he's actually pretty nice. Did you know his country has had trouble with rebellions lately? I think there's a lot I can learn from him," said Alfred earnestly.
"I don't think Francis is interested in teaching you about politics," Arthur muttered darkly. "He wants hands-on lessons of a different sort."
Alfred crossed his arms, looking annoyed. "Honesty, Arthur, you're not one to talk. You weren't inviting me to your room for a chat the first time we met, were you? I didn't get it at the time, but hanging out with Francis has taught me a few things. He's the exact same as you, just less subtle. If I can handle you, I think I can handle him."
"We are not at all alike," Arthur hissed, deeply insulted at the very thought of being compared to Francis of all people.
"Yeah, you kind of are. In fact, you're worse than he is. You fake an interest in people and pretend to be nice to get what you want. At least Francis is honest." Alfred looked annoyed and surprisingly upset.
"I didn't… I'm not…" Arthur stammered before falling silent. He looked at the ground, unable to meet Alfred's accusing gaze. It was true that he had been drawn to Alfred because of his looks, but that wasn't why he kept spending time with the young man. It seemed he had been too successful in his efforts to push Alfred away. "I really did enjoy spending time with you," he said finally, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
Arthur continued. "Look, just be careful with Francis. He's very convincing when he promises that he'll stay with you and love you forever, but he won't." Arthur didn't mention that he was speaking from personal experience. He had first met Francis while studying abroad—the result of a brief expulsion from his boarding school for repeated and flagrant violations of the rules—had fallen hard for the charming Prince of Diamonds, and had left with nothing but a broken heart. He didn't want to see Alfred hurt in the same way.
"Is that all you have to say?" Alfred asked. "I should be getting back to the party. It's almost midnight."
"No, wait!" Arthur cried, grabbing Alfred's hand before he could leave. Arthur was not going to let Francis share the traditional midnight kiss with Alfred. He had to distract Alfred until midnight had safely passed.
"I've been thinking about the civil service exams, and I think… uh, we should add more training and educational programs so everyone has a fair chance to succeed."
"I thought you hated the exams?"
"N-no, I don't hate them, I just thought they were impractical. But with more tinkering, we could develop a better system."
"Really?" The usual bright smile returned to Alfred's face. Arthur could vaguely hear the people at the celebration begin chanting the countdown and he nodded, glad that he had distracted Alfred and brought back his cheerful smile. In the background the chanting stopped, replaced by loud cheers. It was midnight.
"So… it's midnight," Alfred said expectantly.
"I suppose tradition is important," Arthur said hesitantly. The midnight kiss would be safe enough, right? It was just a small little kiss, not a promise of anything more. And he really wanted to be the first one to kiss Alfred this year.
"Yeah, tradition," Alfred agreed, despite his normally poor attitude towards tradition.
They leaned forward, lips meeting for the first time. Alfred tasted as delicious as he looked, the sweet flavor of chocolate icing still on his lips, probably from a cake he had eaten at the party. They kissed far longer than traditionally necessary and Arthur didn't think that these midnight kisses normally involved tongues either, but he certainly wasn't going to complain.
"Hmm, I guess Francis was right," Alfred said once they pulled apart.
"What?" Arthur asked, head still a little muddled from the kiss.
"He said you would drag me away just a little before midnight to find a quiet space, and then he winked. Well, it was really more of a leer. Or maybe kinda both."
"What?" Arthur blushed. "No, it wasn't like that at all! The timing was just an accident."
Alfred laughed. "Whatever, it looks like Francis is gonna win the bet."
Arthur's blush turned into the flush of anger. "You let them bet on whether or not I would kiss you?" he asked indignantly.
Alfred raised his hands in front of him, palms facing outward. "Hey, the betting wasn't my idea," he said, attempting to mollify Arthur.
Arthur continued scowling furiously. "But you're going to go back and tell them who 'won.' So tell me: what did each of them guess?"
"Uh, Francis said you would kiss me, Stuart thought you lacked the guts. Gavan said you would kiss me and then slap me."
Arthur thought for a second and then slapped Alfred, hard.
"Ow! What was that for?" Alfred held up a hand to his stinging cheek.
"I like Gavan better than Francis. Now go run back to your new friends, you deserve each other."
Arthur walked away as Alfred stood silently in the alcove, a red mark increasingly visible on his cheek.
The next morning, Arthur received a rose with a note saying "Happy New Year! Hope this year is better than the last." Considering the previous year had involved one attempted murder and one attempted kidnapping, Arthur sincerely hoped that the next year would be a better one. There were only a few ways it could get worse, and all would be extremely unpleasant for Arthur.
Author's Note:
"Navigate the Windward Passage" is an old-timey euphemism. There actually is a Windward Passage near Haiti, not that Alfred would be able to find it on a map anyway since it's not part of the US.
Also, Francis, I'm sorry for casting you as the former lover who hurt Arthur in a USUK fic. It feels horribly clichéd. For the record, this story is exclusively from Arthur's perspective and he isn't the most reliable narrator when it comes to Francis. One of these days, I will write a USUK fic with Francis as a very sympathetic character.
Translations:
bì zuǐ (闭嘴) = shut up