DISCLAIMER: I own nothing
A/N: So stepping down from the M Rated stuff now... enjoy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Holder of my Heart -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
She knew she had been foolish to get her hopes up – again. Yet as Penelope looked at the negative pregnancy test in her hands she felt disheartened and as though she was the biggest failure to ever grace Derek Morgan's life.
She felt a little lost after that, and she questioned her position in Derek's life. How could she make wholly happy if she couldn't give him the one thing they both wanted so bad? She fretted that it would be cause to make a rift between them. She was scared to lose Derek when having him in her life was the most perfect thing she had to her name.
Taking a calming breath, she headed out of the bathroom and quickly threw the failed test into her suitcase before braving going downstairs.
"Want a coffee?" Fran asked as Penelope came into the kitchen and sat down at the table, "Or some tea?"
"Coffee's good," Penelope smiled at her mother and rested trying to keep a front on.
Fran forgot about the drink and sat down. She had noticed a problem with Penelope's mood the moment she had walked into the kitchen. "What's wrong, Penelope?"
Looking at her mother-in-law Penelope smiled, "Nothing."
"Don't try and lie to me," Fran replied with ease. "I know when something is bugging one of my children. Now share it." As she finished the sentence she saw Penelope's resolve disperse entirely. "Penelope?"
"I feel like maybe I'm a failure because I'm still not pregnant," Penelope admitted and looked down at her coffee, refusing to even look at her mother-in-law.
Fran slipped her hand across the table and grabbed Penelope's hand. "You look at me right now, Penelope," Fran started and slowly Penelope obliged and allowed her gaze to raise enough to look at Fran. "It'll happen, but when your body's ready."
"He wants a family so bad though, Fran and he deserves it," Penelope told her mother pained. "He really does deserve to have those children he's told me he wants and I can see it every time he sees a child or we baby sit Henry. He wants to be a dad and I'm the one that can't get pregnant. I can see he's losing hope," Penelope almost sobbed out.
Fran sat and watched Penelope cry and even as bad as it was, she couldn't help but feel a wave of relief wash over her as she realised fully that her son was more than a little loved. She was grateful that Penelope was able to gain perspective even if it was in such a hurtful way. Fran know that Penelope might well see her life potentially fall apart, but Fran knew that as far as Derek was concerned he had married Penelope because of her, not because of the children they would have.
"It's just getting harder to put on a happy face," Penelope told Fran and wiped her face in attempt to beg herself to calm down and compose herself. She knew that Derek was only at the community centre, he wasn't going to be much longer and she didn't want to be like this when he walked in.
"It'll work out fine," Fran soothed Penelope. "You'll see that, but you need to talk to Derek and get this off of your chest, Penelope, because otherwise it'll just eat you away."
Penelope nodded and smiled weakly, "I'm going to go and lay down before they get back and we head out," Penelope told Fran and stood up.
"Penelope," Fran called out and when Penelope turned back she wrapped her arms around her daughter-in-law and held her there for a moment. "It'll happen and believe me, it will be the happiest moment of your life."
"Thanks," Penelope murmured as Fran finally let her go upstairs. She sunk onto the bed the moment she had the chance and pulled Derek's pillow close. If she couldn't have him here physically, the intoxicating smell of his scent on the pillow would just have to suffice.
Everything happened for a reason. Penelope had to keep her faith in that alive or else she lost credibility in a lot of elements that made her life so poignant and meaningful. The reason for her parents dying when she was eighteen would be futile, getting arrested would be just another mistake, getting shot would be nothing more than the nightmare it should have been and loving Derek wouldn't hold the same worth. She refused to lose any of that.
Like Fran had said, she just had to let her body do what it needed and it would happen when it happened.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Holder of my Heart -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Derek watched Penelope sleep and even though she was unaware of him, he wasn't unaware of how troubled she looked in her sleep. She might be good at putting on her best poker face but when she slept she had no control and her normal peaceful expression held all of the true raw emotions she had held in during the day.
He moved in when he watched her stretch and wake up slowly. Derek shot her a smile when he saw her try and work out his blurry form.
"Hey," Penelope managed with a stifled yawn as her eyes dropped onto the clearing view of her husband.
"Hey back," Derek told her and sat on the bed next to her. He watched as she reached for her glasses and then she settled against the pillows again. "What's up, Baby Girl?"
Penelope sniffed and knew she could go two ways with this – lie and have Derek press, or admit the truth and get the moment over with. "I took a test earlier," She told him, her tone low and quiet.
"You're pregnant?" He asked her, his excitement not withholding from his tone of voice, but his face broke as she shook her head. "You're not?"
Penelope pulled herself up from the mattress as nerves filtered her system. "I've missed a few periods and each time I suspected that maybe, I don't know, that I might be pregnant," Penelope began to feel the tears clawing at her throat and burning in her eyes. "I just never am."
"Hey, that's no big deal. We're not in a rush," Derek tried to calm her.
"You want a family, Derek. You talk about it all the time." Penelope looked at her husband with the utmost fear. She didn't want to be scared about her future with Derek. She wanted to look forward to years of flirting, of their banter. Decades of watching him age and waking her up with the same million dollar smile. She didn't want to sit and wonder when he was going to realise that being with her just wasn't going to give him what he wanted for the rest of his life. "You've dreamt of that life and the longer I take to get pregnant the more it's not going to happen. You won't wait forever."
"It's not all about that," Derek tried to tell her confidently. "There's so much more to us that just that."
"I just want to have a baby, Derek. I want to have your baby," Penelope confided in him, not caring about the tears streaming down her face. "That's all I want. That will make this all perfect."
Derek cupped her chin and made her look at him, "And it'll happen. I don't know when, but one day you'll do one of those tests and it will be positive. The more you let this bother you the more you'll stress and even I don't need to be a doctor to know what stress can do to a woman's body. I know you've probably thought it and I know you spoke to my mom and she probably told you exactly the same thing, but you just need to realise it will happen."
"And what if it doesn't happen? What then?" Penelope asked Derek fearfully. "I don't want you to leave me because I can't give you everything."
"Pen," Derek started, as he readied to finish killing her concerns. He needed her to know how he viewed their marriage and whatever happened, Penelope came first.
"I just feel like I'm letting you down," Penelope admitted and looked at him before he could speak. "Or there's something wrong with me that's going to tear us apart."
Derek felt his heart pinch that first admittance, "Baby Girl, you know there's nothing wrong with you."
"Then why aren't we pregnant?" Penelope asked Derek as though that were the only thing that was occupying her mind in life now.
"It'll happen," Derek told her and kissed her temple. "We've just got to give it time. We'll have baby soon you'll see, Princess."
Penelope relaxed at hearing those words come from Derek. She had just found her solace.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Holder of my Heart -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-