Ah, 'Nothing at All'. I know, "how on earth can she crackify this?"
But this version is by Adam Kay and Suman Biswas, so it was much easier.
Some Mature content coming your way
Anyway, this time Ichigo is going to sing a song for Rukia.
Enjoy. This is all pure crack though. Therefore no offense to any of the ichiruki people.
Chapter 11: Nothing at all
Amongst all of the commotion after the song had ended and Gin hauled the diva-ish Aizen back to his chair, sitting somewhere in the corner - and getting quite drunk – were Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, and the rest of their little group. Ichigo had already had far too much to drink and was starting to slur all of his words together.
"Pssht… Aizen is such a Diva…" he muttered, with Orihime and Rukia looking at him with blacn faces, suddenly put off from having any more alcohol in their systems.
"I mean, what is that? He can't even sing! I bet I could do a better job than him. After all, I'm the main character!"
"Umm, Ichigo, I don't have any clue what you're talking about main characters for, but I don't think you singing is a good idea." Orihime said, a little worried about the amount of alcohol Ichigo had already drunk.
"Yeah Ichigo," Rukia said, "You can't even talk properly you're so drunk. Leave the singing to the diva's."
"No!" Ichigo pouted, folding his arms defiantly, "I am going to sing, and I am going to make a better job of it that those two over there! he yelled, pointing to Aizen at the bar and Gin sitting with his legs crosses on one of the barstools, having already decided that he was not about to be upstaged by the Diva Aizen or Lady GinGin. And with that he stormed over to the DJ to request a song.
"I'll show that Rukia who's the better singer." He muttered, rubbing his palms together and chuckling to himself. Than clambering onto the stage and finding the microphone ready to sing what would hopefully be his first and last number.
"Okay everybody listen up!" he said, the chatter of the audience quieting down to let him speak.
"This next song is one that I'm going to sing, and I'm dedicating this one to Miss Rukia Kuchiki. Okay hit it mister DJ person!"
And so the music started to play, this time it was soft classical piano, and the people in the audience were intrigued as to what ballad Ichigo Kurosaki was going to sing for them.
"Oh how nice." Orihime said, smiling as she sat back in her chair. "Kurosaki-kun is going to sing you a song Rukia!"
"Oh…" Rukia replied, listening to Ichigo sing the first line of the song and blushing slightly "well, maybe it won't be so bad then."
And so she sat there listening as Ichigo sang on.
It's amazing how pretty you looked on that night
Your skirt was so short and your top was so tight.
I bought you a drink and we danced on the floor,
We pulled and you came back to mine for some more.
"Umm, okay… maybe this isn't going to be a nice love song…" Orihime said to Rukia, slightly disappointed. While Rukia was just plain embarrassed – Ichigo was singing all the wrong words. She knew it was a bad idea to come here and let him drink beer, she just knew it. She would have left but the place was crowded and she couldn't even get to the door, so she had no choice but to sit and listen as the muffled laughter of the people around her grew louder.
Your skirt ended up on the living room chairs,
And your top and your bra, they came off on the stairs,
And though you looked fit with your clothes on,
Man I was a fool
Cos you look like shit when you wear nothing at all.
"Oh for gods sakes Ichigo just stop singing now…" Rukia muttered, her fce buried into the palm of her hand. This was just embarrassing. And to make it worse – none of it was even true.
Everyone else seemed to find it funny though, going by the insane amounts of giggling as Ichigo carried on with the song further degrading Rukia.
Oh the clothes that you wore looked a million dollars,
But the body beneath, it looked just like Rick Waller
The makeup you wear is a clever disguise
To hide your moustache and the squint in your eyes.
There were laughs and hoots all around the bar, as Rukia just wanted to die of embarrassment. This was all crack and lies!
And just plain embarrassing.
"Oh please for the love of god can a light fall on his head to make him stop singing?" Rukia grit her teeth and mumbled, while Ichigo just stood there on the stage and sang out with even more enthusiasm. Smirking as he looked at the very humiliated Rukia sitting across the room.
Your cellulites dreadful, you're covered in zits and
Your stomach's about as defined as quicksand
If I'm being perfectly honest your tits are unacceptably small
So you look like shit when you wear nothing at all.
"For the love of god whyyyy?!" Rukia wailed, while Orihime just patted her shoulder in sympathy, still trying to be cheerful.
"Don't worry Rukia… maybe he just… got all of the words wrong."
"I am going to kill him!" Rukia growled, clearly not amused. This was really Ichigo's cue to stop singing now, but he just carried on. The audience egging him on all the more after each verse.
When we went back to mine I was up for a shag
In the bedroom I realised you're a dumpy old slag
Your pubes reach your navel and they cover your thighs,
Didn't know they made arses that size
"Okay, now this has gone Too Far!" Rukia said, standing up and starting to push her way through the crowd to the stage, shoving her way past Aizen and co giggling immensely along her way at Aizen's rude comments about the song. While Ichigo enjoyed his fifteen minutes of fame.
Not that he was going to live to tell anyone about it when Rukia got there of course.
When we met on that night, I could swear that I never
Would have guessed you're a female Andrew Lloyd Webber
The hair on your chest a bit endocrynological
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all.
Yep, Ichigo was going to be horribly mauled by Rukia when she got to him.
But before he died though, Ichigo was going to make the most of being on that stage and away from the now very angry Rukia Kuchiki who he had just managed to piss off in the record time of about three minutes. So he sang onwards with the famous Kurosaki enthusiasm while his father voiced "how proud" he was that his son had apparently scored with Rukia.
All the while Rukia getting nearer and nearer to him as Ichigo belted out the final verse of the song, much to the delight and amusement of the audience while the piano music played on.
Your teeth are all yellow, with bloody great gaps so
Your face is a picture, by Pablo Picasso.
I can see that your arse has its own gravitational pull,
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all.
The crowd applauded and laughed when the song ended, and Ichigo took only a moment to back in the fame while Rukia Kuchiki screamed profanities at him, screaming at him and coming at him with a crowbar.
"Ichigo Kurosaki!" she screamed, as Ichigo just stood there looking around for the nearest exit.
"Uh, well, that's all from me guys." He said, having already spied a gap in the crowd to run into towards the door.
"I gotta go. Bye!"
And then he ran, as fast as his legs would carry him. With Rukia on his tail with her crowbar ready to get even with him.
haha, I loved writing this one, its just so easy to imagine Rukia being angry with Ichigo. So funny...
Anyway, reviews are welcome – they are much loved. And my next update will happen soon.
I will upload a Shunsui/Rangiku Key of Awesome crack duet I have been sitting on when I manage to find my lost flash drive again. I hope it hasn't gone through the wash (again) I don't want to have to re-do it.