Tuesday, 5 October 1813

It certainly has been quite a long while since I have written in this little book. I haven't had a reason to, really, as nothing interesting has happened to me in the last few months. I've been lonely, I suppose, especially since Jane married Mr. Bingley at the end of July and Mary married Mr. Casey in August. With Jane off with Mr. Bingley, Mary off with Mr. Casey, Lydia off with Mr. Wickham and Lizzy off with Mr. Darcy, I have found myself quite alone here at Longbourn with Mama and Papa. I do believe that they are beginning to tire of my presence. Oh, if I had just accepted the Colonel's proposal despite his insult towards me, they would not have to deal with me.

To give Mama and Papa some peace, I have decided to travel to Pemberley to stay with Lizzy and Mr. Darcy for a short while as their guest. They will be hosting some sort of ball that I will assist Lizzy with in the coming weeks. Perhaps Lizzy and Miss Darcy will be able to help me clear my thoughts.

Yours,

Catherine Bennet

Friday, 8 October 1813

I've been here three days and I have found that coming here was a foolish mistake on my part. I should have known that I would not be at peace in the home that Mr. Darcy and his family had lived in for so long. How could I have been so stupid? Of course, it is much too late now, so I shall have to muddle through. Allow me to relate the events of the day...

I had awoken in a grand four-poster bed to a ray of sunshine in my eyes, gotten dressed then descended the stairs to meet my sister and Miss Darcy for breakfast and I had thought that it would just be the three of us, but upon entering the dining room, I met two figures I had never before seen. Both were women, one older and one middle-aged, who were clad in black and sitting closest to Miss Darcy. They both looked at me upon my entrance and stared at me as I did them, probably as confused as I was. "Kitty! Good morning, I thought you would have been up earlier," Lizzy said as she set down her cup of tea with a slightly disapproving tone. Lizzy, at the time, was with child only a couple of months and was lightly showing, but only barely; if one did not know, they would never have been able to tell. I had noticed, too, that ever since she was married, she became more strict and proper, probably due to the lavish life she lived; it was irritating in the slightest, but I brushed it off.

"Forgive me, I was up a bit late last night reading," I replied. All were silent for a moment before Lizzy spoke again.

"Oh, forgive my rudeness. Kitty, we have two guests joining us for a short while, although they will not be making an appearance at the ball," she said. "This is Lady Matlock, wife of Lord Matlock." She referred to the elder woman, who smiled warmly at me from her seat at the table. Matlock? Why was that name familiar? Surely, I had heard it somewhere, mentioned perhaps only once... "And this is Mrs. Timothy Fitzwilliam."

"Oh, please, call me Madge," said the younger woman, standing and approaching me. My eyes, at this point, were widened, as I had discovered exactly where I had heard the name 'Matlock' as soon as Lizzy revealed the name of the middle-aged woman. "You must be Miss Catherine Bennet. Oh, my dear brother has told me so much of you." I stood there staring, still in shock at who was standing before me. Mrs. Fitzwilliam was not quite middle-aged, but she could be no younger than thirty-five. She had sandy blonde hair beneath her black mourning cap and wore a very elegant and stylish black mourning dress; she must have recently been widowed.

"Kitty, don't be rude," Lizzy said after a moment, and I shook my head lightly.

"Forgive me, I fear I have a bit of a headache," I replied. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Fitzwilliam, and you as well, Lady Matlock."

"Please, Mrs. Fitzwilliam is so formal. With the way my brother spoke of you, I feel as though we are sisters. You may call me Madge, if you will," replied Mrs. Fitzwilliam.

"Madge? Is it short for 'Madgelena'?" I asked, and she nodded with a gentle smile.

"Why, yes, it is," she said.

"Madgelena is one of the names I was given," I told her.

"Oh, do join my dear mother and I!" she said with her kind smile, then took my arm and led me to an empty seat between herself and her mother.

"I am terribly sorry for your loss," I told her as we walked. "Might I ask who it was?" As we sat, she let out a sad sigh.

"My husband. He passed a few months back, in August, of a fever," said Mrs. Fitzwilliam.

"I'm terribly sorry to hear," I replied, then turned to Lady Matlock. "And he was your son?"

"He was. My eldest," she said. "He was to inherit my husband's estate and title upon his death, but it will now pass to my younger son."

"You've two?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.

"He has been a Colonel in the militia for quite some time, although has not been in active duty for a number of years. I have a daughter as well, but she is married and doing well far from here," replied Lady Matlock. I had never recalled hearing the Colonel mention any members of his family besides his brother once; I hadn't the slightest idea his parents were still alive or that he had a sister that was not his brother's wife.

"Is he here with you?" I asked.

"My son? Yes, he did accompany myself and Madge, Miss Bennet," Lady Matlock said to me.

"The Colonel is off with my husband on an errand. They left early this morning and are not expected to return until later," Lizzy broke in, and I nodded.

"Lizzy, might I speak to you a moment?" I asked, my tone of voice suggesting I was the slightest bit irritated and suspicious of a setup. Lizzy stood and I followed her out of the dining room, stopping her a good ways down the corridor. "Did you plan this?"

"Plan what, Kitty?" asked Lizzy, a bit confused.

"Oh, for god's sake, Lizzy, don't ever call me that again. Catherine will do just fine. And you know what I mean. The Colonel coming here. You knew of our brief courtship at Longbourn," I told her.

"Kitty, I... Catherine... I knew very little of the Colonel's brief courtship of you. He is my husband's cousin and his family has attended the ball for many years before Mr. Darcy and I were married. It is an annual ball that has not been held in years because there has been no lady to run the house," Lizzy replied.

"Very little, I'm sure of it. Why did you invite me to stay, then?"

"You had complained in letters of Mama and Papa irritating you on numerous occasions and worried that you irritated them, so I asked you to come and stay. The timing was not my fault and the Colonel has been here on numerous occasions since Mr. Darcy and I departed Hertfordshire."

"They sound as if they are expecting me to marry their brother and son! Do they not know of what happened between the Colonel and I? Of his rather insulting proposal?"

"I assume not. I am certain that the Colonel would not have related his blunder to anyone, only to Mr. Darcy, as far as I know, and you have related it to me." I let out a heavy sigh and placed my hand on my forehead.

"Does he know I am here?" Lizzy nodded. "You told him?"

"Georgiana did, as soon as he arrived."

"Of course she did. She was so eager to encourage the Colonel's affections towards me. She cannot act as a matchmaker when he has insulted me and I know she will try."

"Then tell her! You cannot expect anyone here not to know of your issues if you do not inform them. Now if you'll excuse me, I have guests to tend to." She turned on her heel and strode back into the dining room, leaving me standing there in the corridor. I leaned against the wall fighting back tears, praying that 'later' meant well after I had turned in for the night, and if it were sooner, I planned to feign a headache to escape.

We weren't informed when Mr. Darcy and the Colonel returned. We were all sitting in the parlour, Miss Darcy at the pianoforte, Mrs. Fitzwilliam and Lady Matlock sitting on a settee, Lizzy sitting in a chair talking with them and I standing in a corner near a bookshelf scanning the titles, when the two gentlemen were announced. Upon their announcement, they entered, both of them highly dressed and poised as ever. Lizzy stood to greet her husband, accepting a brief kiss on her cheek from him as his greeting.

"Good afternoon, my husband," she said as she took his hands and accepted his kiss.

"Good afternoon, my dear Mrs. Darcy. How has your day been?" Mr. Darcy asked kindly in return.

"Surprisingly calm. I have not been asked to look over anything, so I have been in here with everyone since breakfast. Lady Matlock and Mrs. Fitzwilliam have been speaking with me, Georgiana has been on the pianoforte and Catherine has been scanning the bookshelves for hours, it seems," Lizzy replied. I could not see the Colonel very well from where I stood, as his back was to me, but I could see him shift ever so slightly in discomfort at the mention of my name.

"Ah, yes," said Mr. Darcy, and he left Lizzy to approach Lady Matlock and Mrs. Fitzwilliam. "And how are you ladies this afternoon? Lady Matlock?"

"Very well, Fitzwilliam," said Lady Matlock with a gentle smile.

"And you, Madge?" Mrs. Fitzwilliam stood to greet Mr. Darcy.

"Very well, dear cousin," she replied kindly. "I must say, I am very fond of your wife and her sister. Both are such kind and elegant ladies!"

"How very kind of you, Madge," said Lizzy. "Catherine, did you hear Madge's kind compliment of you?" As the greetings were made, I had picked up a book and pretended to bury myself in it, but upon being called, I closed it loudly and turned to face the crowd that now had its attention trained on me.

"Forgive me, I cannot hear well over the sound of Miss Darcy's beautiful playing," I replied.

"Oh, but I've stopped playing, Catherine," said Miss Darcy, and I closed my eyes and let out a light sigh, not having even noticed the silence.

"Forgive me, then I have poor hearing," I said after a moment. "I have a bit of a headache. I am afraid that I shall have to excuse myself." With the book in my hand, I began to cross the room towards the exit.

"Catherine, aren't you going to greet the Colonel?" Lizzy asked me as I approached.

"Good afternoon, Colonel," I said as I passed the group, and I then exited the parlour and began to climb the stairs. I was a short ways up the staircase when the sound of the Colonel's voice stopped me.

"Good afternoon, Miss Bennet," he had said calmly. "It is very nice to see you again." I turned on the staircase to look down upon him at the foot of the steps, having followed me out of the parlour.

"And you, Colonel. Forgive me for my elusive behavior, but I have had a dull headache all morning and it is only getting worse," I replied.

"Yes, of course. You must get your rest," he said to me, and I nodded gently. He sounded very sincere and, dare I say it, still in love with me. A moment passed before either of us did or said anything, so I turned on my heel and continued up the staircase silently. I did not leave my bedchamber all night and took my supper there in fear of having to make conversation with the Colonel. Later in the evening, Lizzy knocked on my door and called for me, but I gave her no response. I listened to her light footsteps as she walked down the corridor.

I truly should have expected the Colonel to appear at Pemberley and I was very foolish to not believe that he would. He and Mr. Darcy are close cousins and the Colonel has as much of a right to be here as I do, perhaps even more. I do not know how long he will be staying, although with his brother's widowed wife and his mother here with him, it will probably be quite some time. Will I never receive peace?

Yours,

Catherine Bennet