A KukAmu break-up fic because not everything is daffodils and sunshine. Includes my points on a couple of songs (Just Be Friends, Sing My Love, From Y to Y, and Calc.)
The second chapter of this will be the lyrics of 'Calc.' (English lyrics) written by Madoisililo. I thought it was the best song to represent this one. This was the only file and song in the gift Amu left Kukai.
"Oh, Amu," I whispered her name into the morning light.
The dawn trickled in through the thin curtains and lit up the room in its morning light. It slowly made its way across the room as I sat in my bed, staring off into the distance. It lit up the glass framed photos of two people happily holdings hands and sharing precious time together. Some of them were from high school, the two of them had fallen asleep on the grass listening to music and a friend had taken a picture to keep that moment forever. They had gotten photos taken at the fair when he gave her the ring of his promise in front of the ferris wheel in the winter, the scene lit up like a colorful painting in a fairytale. The way she smiled at him...the love in her eyes...
Where had it gone?
I closed my eyes, her sincere smile appearing before me like a fluttering memory. We met in the summer of high school sharing our interests and musical talents and eventually hooking up. I was so in love at the time and couldn't stop thinking about her. Everything about her was beautiful and I was so happy I knew I'd found the one I was destined for.
Our hearts practically beat the same beat; we were so in tune with each other. Our hearts, so young and free, had nothing to worry about then. Her smiles never failed to mesmerize me. Her eyes would light up like mini stars and her cheeks would turn a little pink if she laughed. Everytime she smiled, a small dimple would form on her left cheek. I had seen it so often and told her how cute it was. Her smile always melted my heart and made my knees turn to water. The warmth of her smile never failed to leave an impression on my memory of her. And just like that, I had fallen in love all over again.
"Hey, did you know I love you?" Amu grinned at me as I slipped my fingers through hers.
"Did you know I love you?" I smiled back.
"No," she replied. "You should tell me more often."
"I guess I will," I said kissing her forehead gently.
I stood in front of the photos. All of them were so happy. All of them were full of love and smiles. What happened to those smiles? How did they disappear? Where did they go? A small crash made me jump.
The photo by the window had fallen over with the breeze. I shut the window and stared at the mess with a sad gaze. I knelt down slowly and began picking up the glass pieces. How had Amu kept up with me for so long? Had I done something wrong?
I knew all the answers but I was afraid - no, terrified - to say them out loud. It was as if I was confirming my thoughts and setting them in stone. I didn't want to give up and admit defeat yet, it was much too soon. We'd been together for two years now, maybe the things that tethered us together were finally coming apart. It was a depressing thought.
I hissed through my teeth as I quickly drew back my finger. I stuck the finger tip in my mouth and tasted the blood that slowly came out. I took the handful I already had and threw them in the trash before heading to the bathroom to bandage up my cut.
"Oi, oi, I told you to be careful," she tutted as she opened up the medical case.
"Ah, sorry," I apologized. "It slipped from my grasp."
"Then let it fall," she sighed and began bandaging my finger. "I just want you to be safe."
"Says the girl on the soccer team, basketball team and track squad," I snorted.
She pulled the bandage tight and I winced. "I'm more suited for those types of things. I'm not giving them up. Not for anything."
She closed the medical kit and placed it back on the shelf. I reached for her and pulled her to my chest. "Not even for me?"
"If I did, you wouldn't have to ask," she pointed out.
"I know," I already knew the answer.
I swept up the rest of the glass and threw it in the trash. I set the broom and dustpan down and looked at my bandaged finger. It was a little sloppy but it was nothing compared to the way she did it.
"Hey," I called out the the girl.
"What?" Amu turned, pencil on her lip as she thought about a math problem.
"That bandage you did was sloppy," I shook it at her as it started to unravel.
"What?" This time she said it with more emphasis. "You were just too rough with it! It's not my fault!"
"I didn't do a lot," I pointed out. "I woke up this morning and it was like this! Do it again."
"What?" She repeated once more. "You want me to do it again? After you just insulted my bandaging technique? Nope."
"But I'm no good with bandaging," I complained.
"Then bleed to death," she turned back around.
"Amu~" I frowned at her. "I can't do it."
"Fine," she turned around again. "Repeat after me. 'I'm useless without Amu.'"
"I'm useless without Amu," I rolled my eyes.
"I need you, Amu."
"I need you, Amu."
"So don't ever leave my side."
"So don't ever...leave...my side..."
"I couldn't hear those last words," she said though she was blushing.
"So don't ever leave my side," I repeated turning red at the ears.
Amu smiled, a little red in the face. "Okay, Kukai. I'll help you."
I got showered and got dressed, just wanting to go out for a walk. Maybe a walk would clear my mind. Maybe I could forget everything that happened. I locked the door to my house and stepped outside, shutting it behind me. Exhaling slowly, I began walking.
I pulled out my iPod and plugged in my headphones to drown out the emptiness in my heart. But what plays seems to rip my heart a little more.
My reason for living, here and now...
"So what is it?" I began to think, and three hours have already passed
And I noticed that, as I thought about you
I couldn't stop finding you in day after day
Her voice came out and echoed in my ears with such gentleness it hurt. She wrote this song for me. She wrote it long ago when we were young and in love. Her voice was a very happy one; filled with the happy love we had. It awakened memories that I thought might be better if forgotten.
Without noticing, I began retracing our old steps. I walked into the park where we had spent so much time together. We wrote so many songs here and performed together on my guitar while she sang along with me. I sat down on the bench, her faded prescence my only company. I could imagine her now, smiling and scribbling down in her notebook as she always did with her messy hair in a bun and a pencil to her chin in thought.
And I would sit next to her, my guitar in my lap, strumming a distant melody to get her going. The two of us would sit quietly for hours at time, just being next to each other was enough for us. When had that changed?
Truths from three hours ago and lies from three and a half
Anything and everything gets taken in, faced with your smile
And I sorta understand
Her soft melodic voice filled my head as it always had. Her smile...I was in love with her smile as well...and I wasn't going to going to forget her any time soon. The way her eyes lit up when she laughed, the strength of her voice when she sang and the tune we had in our hearts played in sync. It was a lovely time we had. I closed my eyes. A tear slipped and trickled down my cheek. I couldn't let it all just go. I had no strength to do so.
More of love, more to you, I'll sing ever more
I wanna sing my love
Love was a pain now, a thorny rose wrapped around my heart and squeezing tight. A shadow crossed in front of me; I opened my eyes. I saw a small hand brush the tear from my cheek. Amu drew her hand back and held a gentle expression.
"I thought you'd be here," her voice penetrated through my thick head as I pulled out my headphones.
"Amu," her name was barely a whisper as it escaped my lips.
She sat down beside me and leaned on my shoulder, linking her arm through mine. We sat like that for a while, just next to each other but something was different. I didn't feel the warmth that once resided inside us and lit our hearts. I wanted to feel it so badly, so desperately. I needed to. I wanted to hold her here in my arms and just have tine stop so that I would never have to face the next chapter in our life together.
"Kukai..."
No, don't say anything. Please.
"I have something to say..." she squeezed my arm. I was helpless to say anything.
No, Amu. Stop, please! I'm begging you! Don't say anything else!
"Let's...just be friends..." my heart squeezed at those three simple words.
"Just be friends?" I repeated painfully.
She nodded against my arm. "I know it'll be hard but...I just..."
This time I stopped her. I stood slowly and held her at arms length. She kept her gaze away from mine. I pulled her in to my chest like I wanted to and held her tight, wanting time to stop at this moment now before she walked away. I took a deep breath.
"Hey," I whispered leaning down lightly. "Did you know I love you?"
Amu stood still then slowly nodded. I closed my eyes tightly and swallowed. Just one more time, I pray just one more time...that if only I could return to those days...I'd sacrifice everything that I have now, just to feel the warmth of your smile again...
She pulled away, breaking our embrace. I opened my eyes when I felt her press something into my hands. I looked down to find a small flashdrive. It was a small and simple silver drive but it held so much weight in the palm of my hand, so much meaning. It was only later did I ever realize just how important this small metal piece was.
Amu then leaned up, showing me her tear-glistening eyes, and pulled me close. Her kiss was short and made me want to go back in time when our love had just bloomed. My lips tingled as she pulled away and stood a little ways from me. I stood still, the rain drizzling as she walked away, turning her back from me. I knew this would be happening. I could've stopped it; slowed it down from ever happening but I didn't. I let it happen. I let her walk away from me. I let her walk away from me.
I knew what I'd be facing when she walked away from me, I knew it well but I wasn't prepared. Every single fiber inside me screamed out to her, wanting to run after her like a child and hold her hand again. I wanted to feel the warmth of her smile again, I wanted to fall in love with her over and over again. Just once more.
I let her disappear into the gloom and I was standing alone now. As it rained down on me, I clenched my fist around the departing gift she left me and began my way home.
"Ｉｆ I ｃａｎ ｅｒａｓｅ ｊｕｓｔ ｏｎｅ ｅｍｏｔｉｏｎ, ｗｉｌｌ I ｆｅｅｌ ｂｅｔｔｅｒ ｉｆ I ｅｒａｓｅ ｍｙ ｆｅｅｌｉｎｇ ｏｆ "ＬＯＶＥ"?"
Ｃａｌｃ．- 「 Ｈａｔｓｕｎｅ Ｍｉｋｕ 」
「 The End. 」