Chapter Eleven
For a place that promised so much beauty with its lush greenness and abundant water, Dagobah smelled like the ass end of a bantha. The fetid air curled in tendrils of mist that assaulted Rey's nose the second she stepped out of the freighter and breathed in raw atmosphere. Not only was it the rankest place she'd ever smelled, the air suffocated like nothing she'd ever felt in her life.
The air on Jakku was hot and dry, sucking every bit of moisture from the living and earth. The humidity of Dagobah was so intense felt as it the air itself was a sentient being. Like it reached into every pore of Rey's exposed skin to drown her above water. Despite this, an essence of purity permeated the Force emanating from the planet. Rey decided that the planet was not trying to kill her through acts of odor and oppressive sogginess.
Rey felt the Force pulling her hard to a very specific area of the swampland of the planet upon their arrival. Now she surveyed the wet terrain around her. The trees all bowed down to the earth, as if fearful to reach out towards the sky.
Ved stepped out of the Falcon behind her, joints squeaking. "Oh dear, this humidity is going to condensate all over me and corrode my gears!" he fretted.
"You'll be fine," Rey said. "You can stay in the controlled environment of the ship." She tapped her forefinger against her closed lips. "And maybe I can arrange for an oil bath before we leave."
Ved perked up at the last bit. "An oil bath, you say? Thank the maker! These old joints certainly could use it." He extended one arm in demonstration and the elbow joint creaked.
"You're spoiling the droid. At first it's the occasional oil bath but before you know it he's going to be asking for de-carbonization buffing and upgrades," Ben grumbled.
"Perhaps if my maintenance wasn't so poorly attended."
"Aren't you supposed to be a self-sufficient droid?"
If Ved had a nose, he would have sniffed. "Even an independent droid such as myself requires care to ensure full operational capacity."
"Ignore him, Ved," Rey said shaking her head at Ben.
Ved clunked off back into the ship, muttering about air moisture percentages and sullen masters.
Rey stared out into the swampy forest, almost sure she'd seen something moving in the water. The surface was still now and she couldn't be sure if it had been a trick of the light. Ben came to stand beside her.
"Does this place have some family history too? There's nothing here. Hard to imagine you stumbled across the place." Rey said.
Ben's mouth twisted. "Hard to find a place in the galaxy that doesn't have some kind of family history."
"It feels a lot like Luke's island. A balance of the light and the dark."
"The Force is pure and strong here. It has a dark cave like the one you went in on the island," Ben said. Emotions flitted across his face and he swallowed. "Luke trained here with Yoda. He told me he had a vision of his father in the cave."
"Did you know his father was Darth Vader?"
"No, he neglected to mention that fact," said Ben, squeezing his fists at his sides.
Rey found the feelings rolling off of him were of hurt and disappointment rather than anger. Out of an unnatural reflex, her hand went up to rest on his forearm.
"They didn't tell you."
"I found out via the HoloNet same as the rest of the galaxy. It wasn't until then that I understood my mother's over-protectiveness. All the hushed conversations I heard as a child. I knew I was different. I never saw other children get into so much trouble for bad behavior. My mother treated every misstep as a possible path to the dark side." He slid her hand down his arm to his waiting palm so he could hold it. "They were so scared of what I could become. She was so scared she didn't even want to deal with me anymore. That's why they shipped me off to Luke."
Rey rubbed her thumb over his knuckles. "Do you think you'll ever talk to her again?"
"You implied she didn't want to see to me."
Rey winced. "I may have exaggerated. You were being a jerk. I should probably check in with her." Ben lifted his eyebrows and he looked so much like his mother Rey nearly laughed out loud. "I really should. Does it upset you when I bring her up or talk about her?"
"No," Ben said and ducked his head to give her a quick kiss and tug on her earlobe. "You can talk to her. I'm going to meditate."
Rey brought a hand up to cover the huge grin stretched across her face.
"Don't worry," Rey said. She finished recounting the events since their arrival and swift departure from Mustafar.
"Who's worrying?" Leia said as she frowned.
"We've come to an agreement. Ben is going to teach me while we're here and I'm going with him to the First Order to rescue Oona Ren."
Leia's eyebrows shot up. "Whoa, hold your fathiers. Now I'm worried. First, going to the First Order — bad idea. Second, Ben? I hope you know what you're doing."
"You asked me to train with him. What am I supposed to call him? Supreme Leader Kylo Ren? I couldn't. He's — that's not really him."
The diaphanous blue holo-projection of Leia squinted at Rey and Rey hoped like hell Leia's reception was spotty and she couldn't see her blush.
"Can I give you some advice my mother gave me?" Leia asked.
Advice? Rey's heart leaped. Every bit of wisdom Leia bestowed upon her was a precious gift. "Of course," Rey said.
Leia smiled. "She once told me she hoped my first romance wouldn't be with someone so perfect. That it does a girl good to fall for a scoundrel, now and then. I always wondered what she'd think if she'd known I married one."
"A scoundrel with a heart of gold," Rey said. She had not told Leia that she and Ben kissed — twice now. It didn't seem like something Ben would be eager to share with his mother.
And honestly, she wasn't sure how she felt about Leia's advice. She seemed to encourage a relationship between Rey and her son.
"Han wouldn't want to hear you say it. He'd only do the honorable thing after exhausting all other methods. Except when it came to his son. He always said he'd die to give Ben a better life than the one we've had." Leia's smile went lopsided. "We tried too hard." Then any tears Leia had been trying to hold back came spilling out. She shook as the silent sobs wracked her.
Rey felt her own eyes burning as she yearned to reach out and put her arms around Leia, to help absorb her grief. "I'm so sorry, Leia," Rey said.
"No, it's okay," Leia said. She took in a couple of deep breaths and wiped her face with a handkerchief she pulled out of her pocket. "I haven't allowed myself time to grieve but it creeps up on me from time to time."
Leia paused for a long moment.
"Rey, I want to speak to my son when this is all over. Don't let him die." Her mouth wavered and a tear slid down one cheek. "A mother isn't supposed to outlive her baby," she said in a broken whisper.
She wiped the tear away and tried to smile. "I don't know why or how but I've survived so much loss. I can't bear any more. I know he has done some terrible things. But his father did not give his life in vain. There is still light in him, Rey. Luke saw it at the end too. I believe in him, in spite of everything."
"You'll talk to him," Rey said. She hoped she could fulfill that promise. She didn't want this to be a lie. Until this moment, she hadn't stopped to consider that this would be a life-or-death mission. She'd escaped the First Order on several occasions at this point and was fairly confident she and Ben would be able to do the same.
Now she wasn't so sure. There was the added complication of the creatures chasing them with the First Order. She had no idea what they were - what they were up against. She'd fought without the Force for years though, right? She'd always felt a little lucky, but it couldn't have all been an unconscious use of the Force.
"May the Force be with you and Ben. Both of you come back safe, okay?" Leia said before signing off.
Rey stared at the glowing blue beacon in her hand. Tears sprang from her eyes and caught on her lashes.
Ben slapped at his neck, feeling the tickle of one of the blood-sucking insects inhabiting the swamps of Dagobah. He sat cross-legged on a relatively dry patch of solid ground encircling an ancient tree. He ventured far enough away from the junk ship to be out of view but not far enough he couldn't run back quickly.
He brought his hand down from his neck and curled his lip at the bloody splat in the middle of his palm. He sloshed his hand in the water and looked around. He hadn't brought anything with him. He wiped his palm dry on the outer thigh of his pants.
Ben left his cloak on the ship. The sweltering planet wasn't suited to the thick layers of his uniform. He'd stripped down to his black sleeveless undershirt, suspenders, and pants. Sweat trickled down his temples and the center of his back as he resettled into a cross-legged position and closed his eyes to meditate.
I feel it all the time. The pull to the light. The pull to the dark. Rey senses it.
Squeezing his eyes closed, Ben focused on visualizing the burned, melted mask of his grandfather.
Show me the way.
"Hey, kid."
Ben's eyes snapped open and his pulse rocketed. "Luke."
"I told you I'd see you around," said the semi-transparent apparition of Luke Skywalker.
Seething anger boiled up Ben's throat and threatened to choke him on its bitterness. Only his uncle would presume to haunt him from the afterlife.
Luke took a few casual steps around, taking in their surroundings. "Tell me, Ben, what are you doing here?"
"Meditating," Ben bit out.
Luke tilts his head with an annoying half-grin that needles under Ben's skin. "You're afraid. You're seeking balance — center."
"Don't presume to know me, uncle," Ben said, spitting out the last word like venom. "You've already made that mistake once only to force me to prove you right."
Luke raised his hands in surrender. "I failed you. I let your unconscious mind speak for you. Your parents and I kept your grandfather's identity a secret. We always thought there would be a right time to tell you but it never felt right."
"I don't want your platitudes."
"We didn't want to plant seeds of doubt that would lead you on a path to the dark side. In all our caution, we drove you there anyway," Luke continued like he hadn't heard Ben. "Except for Han - Han said you were just a kid being a kid."
Darkness reared in Ben and clawed at his gut. It hadn't kept him from leaving though, had it? Hadn't kept him from getting so frustrated he quit the whole situation.
"He was weak and foolish," Ben said half-heartedly. "I destroyed him."
But his father had been right. Snoke used him as a pawn.
Ben committed the patricide his Master required and it hadn't been enough.
Luke shook his head in empathy. "I know the urge to lash out and regain control. But look inward, Ben. Surrender your desires. Regain your control. Don't let yourself be trapped in the physical world. Allow the Force to guide you without analyzing it." Luke arched an eyebrow at Ben. "If you can. If you allow yourself to be a channel to carry out the will of the Force, you will always be doing the exact right thing."
"You're not my Master and I'm not your Padawan."
"You did outgrow me rather quickly, " Luke admits.
"The old ways of the Jedi and the Sith are irrelevant. Your fear of the dark side warped your teachings," Ben accused. "I've trained in both sides of the Force and there is no dark side as you perceive it. The Force is one. It doesn't take sides. It doesn't care about our petty wars. None of that matters. What you call the dark side is raw, unrestrained power of the Force itself."
Ben hadn't allowed himself to think about it much when under the influence of Snoke, too afraid his Master would hear him and punish him. Snoke encouraged his studies of both sides of the Force but not much free thinking.
The longer he spent with Rey, the less fragmented he felt by the dual sides of himself. He felt the pull in opposite directions but it was becoming less violent.
"You're right," Luke said.
Ben's head shot up and he looked at his uncle in shock.
"What?"
"I equated anger with the dark side and taught my pupils the same."
"This realization is coming a little too late."
A boyish grin spread across Luke's mature face. "Well, you're not all-knowing until you become one with the Cosmic Force." Luke sobered. "You want to bring about a New Order. You're not going to do that by just attacking the things that hurt you. I know we have failed you. If you truly want to end your pain and suffering and all the death these wars have brought to the galaxy, then you must trust in the Force. Only then can you serve it fully."
"Serving the Force so far hasn't done much for me," said Ben. "I don't know if the Force knows what it wants with me."
Luke tsked. "Trust the force. Gain mastery. Complete mastery can be obtained when you learn the art of letting go."
The transparent form faded slowly out of existence leaving Ben alone in the swamp again. When Ben asked his grandfather to show him the way, he hadn't meant for him to send Luke to do the job.
Ben grappled with the feelings shadowing him after the confrontation with Luke on Crait and he hadn't known what to make of them. He half-hoped his uncle had been there to try to save him.
Why had they all waited so long to reach out?
The Force was one and it was wily. Ben didn't know what the Force wanted from him or his family but it seemed as though a blood debt was being extracted from the entire Skywalker family line.
Like the Force would never allow him to be at peace with either half of himself.
Stand firm a voice told him.
He never heard it before but Ben knew it was his grandfather.
A/N:
I don't know if it's lame for me to admit this, but some parts of this chapter really made me tear up when I wrote them. I think that Ben's relationship with his family is so tragic. My heart hurts for them all.
This was another chapter that got away from me so the events I planned for the second half are coming in a separate chapter, hopefully in a few days. Thanks for sticking with me this far!
This chapter also borrows unrepentantly from James Lucerno's conclusion to the New Jedi Order series — The Unifying Force.