drunk, in love

As I watch Rick disappear back into this stupid party, I pick up my shoes and make my way home. I have absolutely no desire to spend any more of my time here. I'm drunk, I'm horny, I'm pissed off, I'm tired. And most of these problems are thanks to Rick. I'm so sick of his back and forth nonsense. And that condescending Let's not do this bullshit. What the hell was that? Pretending to be the bigger person? You spend every free minute with Rachael, and I'm supposed to be the one that hurt you? Okay.

When I get back to my house, I immediately go to the kitchen and grab the first bottles of liquor I can find. I swear, that's the best thing about this place. Alcohol everywhere. Whoever lived here before must've been hoarding the stuff, just in case of this very situation. And I thank them for it.

With a giant sigh, I head into the living room to wallow in my feelings, and maybe watch some I Love Lucy DVDs. But when I flip on the lights, I realize that I'm not alone. Daryl is sitting on the couch, staring into oblivion. "What the hell are you doing?" I ask, startled to see him.

"Nothin'," he shakes his head.

"Well that much is obvious," I say, walking towards him. He looks nice, I notice once my nerves return to normal. He's got on a black button-down and a new-ish pair of jeans. I think he might have even combed his hair. "But why are you sitting here all dressed up?"

"No place to go," he shrugs, making what I think is an attempt at a joke.

"There's a party down the block, you know."

"Maybe that's why I got dressed up."

Plopping my booze on the coffee table, I decide to take a seat next to him, curling up as comfortably as I can in this dress. "Couldn't make it out the door, huh?"

"Nah, I did," he says, looking at me, "but I didn't feel like goin' in."

"Because?"

"Nothin' to say."

"If you heard the things those people were talkin' about," I scoff. "I think I've had more interesting conversations with myself."

He cracks a smile and then looks over to me. "What you doin' back so early?"

I exhale loudly and rest my head against the back of the couch. "I guess I got tired of the bullshit myself. It was just… I dunno."

"There's nothin' to party about," he notes sadly. "Nothin' to be happy about."

I've noticed that the greatest and worst thing about Daryl Dixon is that he loves hard, which means he doesn't take loss easily. He's been mourning Beth since we left Atlanta, and I think it's really hindered him from enjoying what we have now. I brush his hair from his eyes as I look at him tenderly. "Isn't there?"

"Like what?"

"We made it to the other side," I say simply. Because it really is that simple. All these dead people wandering around, and we're still alive. That's something I will always find a way to be thankful for. "Plus," I add, leaning over to retrieve the bottles I'd grabbed, "we've got liquor." I hand him the rum and keep the vodka for myself.

With a smirk, he accepts the gift and sits back on the couch with me. As we unscrew the caps, we both glance over to our mantle, where my katana is mounted just above his crossbow. As much as they're a symbol of our journey, the fact that they're up on a shelf signifies our hope that we don't have to use them again. Even if we'd rather not get used to not using them again.

"We made it," Daryl agrees, looking back at me. "I'll take that."

"Good." We both drink from our respective bottles and I wince at the taste. I've had wine, whiskey, and vodka in a matter of hours. I'm pretty sure they'll be wreaking their havoc on me by morning.

"So since you got such an optimistic outlook and shit, what you drinkin' about?"

"Maybe I just wanted to get drunk tonight," I shrug, offering a silly smile. "Do I need a reason?"

"Don't need one. But most people double-fisting alcohol bottles usually got one."

"Well. If you must know, Rick and I got into a bit of an argument tonight."

His eyebrows knit into a frown as he takes another drink. "You two? About what?"

"We're both crazy," I say cryptically but truthfully. "I dunno."

"You do know."

"I made the conscious decision to live elsewhere, because I thought living together would ruin us. Instead, he started treating me like an outcast because his feelings were hurt. And somehow, I'm the bad guy. Like he has the moral high ground."

"Maybe he's just lashin' out 'cause he misses you."

"Really?" I ask, looking back at Daryl. "Seems like he loves it."

"You know that ain't true."

"I can understand why that might've put him off a little, but I've made every effort to show that our friendship is the most important thing to me. He's the most important thing to me. But he's basically like, 'Oh, so you don't wanna be attached to my hip? You want your own space? How dare you? Bye.'" I belligerently take another sip from my bottle. "Fuck him."

Daryl chuckles, seemingly amused by my turmoil. "Musta been some argument."

"It felt like when we didn't get along when I first arrived at the prison." I never once thought we'd get back there, and yet, here we are. "You remember how fucked up that was."

"When he said he was takin' you back to his hometown? I really wasn't sure both of y'all would make it back alive."

"He was an asshole, and I didn't like to talk," I nod in recollection. It was definitely a rough start for us. "I think that trip is the only reason we became friends." I could hear him knocking back another one as I stared up at our weapons again. "You warmed up to me pretty quickly, though."

"You scared the shit outta me," he smirks. "After I saw what you did to The Governor, there wasn't no way I was gonna cross you."

"Oh, so you were just gonna let Rick do it."

"I knew… Or I thought I knew he would come to his senses. He mighta lost his mind over Lori, but he was still a good person."

"Hmm."

"Don't gimme that bullshit 'Hmm,' like you don't know," he chuckles at me. "You wouldn't be this mad if you thought any different."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

"Don't get me wrong, he's still an asshole."

I find myself giggling as I put down my drink, then turn towards Daryl so that I can rest my face against the back of the couch. "So I asked you what you thought about our dinner at Aaron and Eric's, but you never answered me."

"Didn't I?"

"Nope," I shake my head drunkenly. "Francine came by to ask you for help, and then I didn't see you the rest of the day."

"Look at you learnin' people's names and shit," he comments as if it's some shocking revelation. He used to get on me for not really giving a damn about the new people that came to the prison.

"Why are you brining up old stuff?" I smile in amusement. "I told Rick I was done taking breaks and I'll say it to you, too. I'm here."

"Well all right."

"How about you?"

"I'm here," he nods, looking me straight in the eye. "I go wherever y'all go."

I eye him suspiciously, pretending I don't believe him, while trying to keep my grin from giving myself away. "I'll be watching you, Dixon."

"To answer your question," he goes on, obviously ignoring the idea of exploring that topic, "I like both those dudes."

"Yeah?"

"They're kinda funny."

"Aaron is funny," I realize in agreement. "And not even in an annoying way."

"That story he told about his mom and the applesauce…"

"That was golden." I smile as I recall that the entire dinner was quite fun, then look back at my friend. "I didn't see you laugh once, though."

"I was laughin' on the inside."

"You don't always have to be so brooding, you know. No one will judge you if you start smiling."

"They started judging you," he reminds me and I think he's joking, but he's right.

"They started speaking to me is what happened."

"I'll pass."

I hit his thigh playfully before picking up my bottle of Stoli. "So when do you and Aaron leave on your first recruitment?"

"Couple of weeks," he shrugs. "He said to just enjoy this time off, but I feel like someone's always callin' on us for some stupid reason or another."

"Well then be thankful you'll be able to leave here soon," I say. "Just this morning, Mr. and Mrs. Palmer had me over just to help look for their dog."

"I think you mighta picked the wrong time to stop takin' breaks."

An actual snort comes out of my nose in response and I close my eyes in embarrassment. "That didn't just happen."

"It did. But I won't tell anyone."

I stare at him for much longer than I intend to and then take a sip of my drink. "Pass me the remote," I tell him. "We need music."

i feel it in the morning
you're still here in the morning
i see you but you're gone, telephone a doctor
i'm not okay
the bottom of the bottle to fill this empty heart up
a thousand proof don't change the truth
i dive in but i can't

Hours later and I'm still sitting there with Daryl and two empty bottles. We've shared a bunch of secrets and not-so-secrets, some much-needed laughs, and even a cigarette as we wait for Carol to come home. It feels good to feel this good, despite feeling so bad. I no longer have the desire to punch Rick in the face, so I'd say that the end of this evening has been a success.

"Thank you," I tell Daryl sincerely. I'm still kneeled on the couch just beside him, so I brush his hair out of his face, and pull a bobby pin from my own hair to keep it that way. "Also? You need a fucking haircut."

He rests his hand over his bare forehead and shakes his head, smiling. "You ain't gonna turn me into your new Rick."

I literally cackle in reply, my mouth hanging open and all. "I would never."

"Yeah, you would."

"How is it so hard to believe that I actually like you for you." I use my index finger under his chin to turn his head towards me. "I just wanna see your face."

"For someone who was a lawyer before, you oughta be better at lyin'."

"That's not a lie!" I defend loudly. "Your little self-deprecating act isn't gonna fool me. I know you know I dig you."

"Is that right?"

"It is."

"That why you barely even talk to me since we left the prison?"

"Listen," I say, playfully narrowing my eyes at him, "I went out to look for The Governor, and I come back, and you and Carol are besties. I had no desire to intrude on that."

"How's that any different from you and Rick?"

"I'm not saying it is. But… Unlike you, I don't get weird when you bring up Carol's name."

He instantly looks down with a frown, avoiding my stare. "I don't get weird if you bring up Rick."

"You literally just did it!"

He lets out an exhale and pulls the bobby pin from his hair, shaking his mane back in his face. "I don't know what you're talkin' about."

"Daryl…"

"Alright, maybe… " He rests his head against the sofa and looks up at the ceiling. "I know I ain't never been good with feelings, but when it was just the two of us on the road… I dunno. I always liked those moments."

"I did too," I tell him softly.

"I guess it was just me, but I always thought there could be somethin' there." He lifts his head to look me in the eye now. "Between us."

I don't drop his gaze to ask, "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because I ain't stupid. And I never wanted to fuck up what you and Rick had. Or didn't have."

"You're sweet," I smile.

"I'm just cautious," he counters, biting at his lip. "Rick ain't exactly somebody I wanna cross either. He's always done right by me."

I shake my head, mostly to get rid of all the ridiculous thoughts running through it. "He doesn't own me," I remind Daryl. "We're both free to do whatever we want."

"All right," he replies, still holding my stare captive. "Then what you wanna do?"

Maybe it's the alcohol, but I feel this magnetic pull between us and I find myself kissing him before I know it. It's a hungry kiss, because it's been a while, and I've been wanting... something. I pull my dress up around my waist so I can straddle him, his hands are gripping my ass, and I immediately know where this is going. My mind can't help but wander to Rick, because some part of me always figured he'd be my first, post-apocalypse. But he doesn't deserve these thoughts, so I do my best to push them away. What the hell am I saving myself for? Daryl tastes like liquor, and the only thing I want is to be drunk tonight.

'cause i can't drink you away
i've tried jack, i've tried jim, i've tried all of their friends
i can't drink you away
on these rocks, i can't swim outta this skin i'm living in

Lyrics: "Drink You Away" – Justin Timberlake (The 20/20 Experience)