AN: It's nice to have a lot of people want to read a story. That's why I've decided to put my other story on hiatus just so I can pursue this one. However, my random one-shots will appear in a different series. I'm really a Prince of Tennis fangirl, but I can't find any inspiration to write it. It's kind of irritating really.
Well, now I want to discuss my short chapters. To be honest, I can't write for long periods of time. I really just don't know how. All of my chapters are over two thousand words, but I'm trying to get it to three thousand. However, this will be a long and meticulous process, since I'm constantly adding and cutting at my chapters. I'm never really happy with them, so it's vexing. But, it'll be my new goal so I'll work hard.
Also, some people said this story reminded them of Inu Yasha and, yeah, I agree. It's hard not to fall for the easy cliches and go with another storyline. However, I'm going to try and keep this as original as possible, even though, since CCS has so many other stories, it'll be hard to try and surprise you guys. Believe me, it's difficult. Also, on the ending, I am seriously contemplating between two very different ones. However, you'll have to see what I choose in the end. Therefore, this may or may not end up like the fluff fics you guys usually read. Really, I just want to see how much I can abuse these characters because their almost-perfect relationship in the series really shouldn't look as perfect as it seems. (Yes, I am a sadist and proud of it!)
Warning: Nothing really here, execpt an overload of angst in the beginning.
Disclaimer: All rights reserved.
Chapter Ten: Never First
Syaoran's POV
Don't look at me like that...
I can see it, the shock at hearing my voice actually declare something so vital. I'd never said that to anyone other than her, but now you know why. She had only heard it once, and never have I forgotten the woman who had loved me, and I her. But, she's living her own life with another man, even if it's not by choice. She left me here, disregarded my feelings, and I was the one who has hadto live with that for the last four years.
You thought I was cruel when you first met me, manipulative and merciless. The things that a tyrant, not a king, would be. Have I surprised you at all, or am I still such a cold beast? I watched the steam escape from the teapot, as you stared vacantly at the table in return. I can't meet your eyes, nor do I expect you to meet mine. After all, I knew your heart was breaking, could see the glass of your soul shatter in those mirror-like eyes.
But you wouldn't let me know that if you could have helped it, right?
Your name left my lips, without even thinking. But, I called you again, pretending that you might have actually responded to my calls. You didn't, though, so I stood up and gave you one last look. However, you turned away, as if in shame, and I left with a sigh. Believe me, Sakura, if I could take back what I felt all those years ago, I would. Not just for me, but also because maybe then I would have had the chance to love you the way I know you care for me.
But I won't pretend that my feelings have shifted in a new direction, towards you. It's true, I do feel something, but it's not the same emotion I felt for her. The way I cared for her was passionate, boundless, something that only a first love could bring. She opened my eyes to the world beyond my enclosed settings. She showed me an entirely new universe, not just a kingdom, everytime we met, though it's been too long now. The way I once thought was changed by the way she taught me. I learned that the world wasn't about my homeland, but about the people who lived in it. She changed me, and I loved her for it. Hell, I still love her for it.
I know it's selfish, to want to be with her even now, but haven't I always been such a person? I remember you were scared the first time you met me, but you held your head high and refused to show it, though your eyes said more than enough. I wanted to chuckle at you then. Your innocent eyes showed much more than you gave them credit for. But I couldn't critcize the way you handled it, or everything else I've thrown at you. You were prideful, strong, things that I find admirable in anyone.
But that doesn't mean I love you, or can love you as anything more than a confidant. It's cruel, isn't it? To want something so bad, to have it dangling before your eyes, and just when you think it's yours, you find out it's a trick, an illusion. The object you waited, wanted, was not yours to have. You were merely strung along because you were there, an easy target, like a cat to a piece of string. And do you know whose on the other end, just waiting for you to try and steal it?
Fate.
It mocks us, for we are one in the same. We have both been abused, taken for granted, and left on the sidelines by our first loves. And, even though I could save you, help you back on your feet, that wouldn't change anything. How I feel and how I care for you would stay the same. Our relationship would merely go downhill and then there would be nothing to stop you from falling into a neverending blackhole. Believe me, if I could have stayed by my love's side over being here, I would have joined her, even if I couldn't have her. At least she was near.
I suppose that's rather presumptious of me, though, since I never had the choice, nor do I know your circumstances or feelings. I wish I could ask you, but that would be even more insensitive, now wouldn't it? I felt a bark of laughter pass roughly through my mouth because, really, how could I be any more cruel? I know heartbreak, Sakura, and you're one of the chosen few I've ever told. This subject has been labeled 'taboo' but you, more than anyone, need to know why I am the way I am, why I changed into the ice king that everyone else sees me as...
And why I can't love you.
The truth hurts. It always does. I wish that I could support you, though, and shelter you from the onslaught of shame and guilt I know you're feeling. After all, I've held and harbored those feelings for such a long time. After a while, it just weighs heavy on your heart and you begin to forget why you should ever fall in love again. Then, you end up holing yourself in and allowing no one near. It's bitter, but true.
But I won't do that to you, break you and then give you a false sense of hope that I might actually change my mind. I'm sorry, Sakura, but walls aren't built overnight, nor will they fall for the tears of someone who stands outside of it. I blocked myself in but, due to some strange sort of hope, a selfish part of me wants you to keep smiling, to keep loving, to keep living, despite the things I've put you through. I know it's selfish for me to want for you, but, if I could help it, I'd never allow you to fall into my kind of depression.
However, I can't tell you to do such a thing. All I can do is hope that you'll understand where I'm coming from, even if I can only let you know with words alone. Wishing is what I have to do now, and pray your light doesn't wither and fade away. I never want those emerald eyes to go dull. The part of you that reminds me of my former lover, but also separates you between her and any other woman. No matter what anyone says, your orbs are uniquely your own. They glitter and shine in ways only you have, and have, I admit, caught me off-guard on more than one occasion. You are you, and I understand that.
Though you may remind me of her, and bring out different feelings like she once had, you will never be her. I will never make that mistake because I care for you both in very different ways. I can't pretend that she was never near, nor can I ever take back our meeting. The emotions you both induced in me, and the things you both made me feel, are strange, new, but not the same. You deserve to fall in love with someone who can love you back, the way I can't. Sakura, you need someone who can take care of you, even if it means that you have to leave me.
Just like she did.
Third Person POV
The days between Sakura and Syaoran had passed with little notice between each other. There was almost no contact between them, making it painfully obvious to everyone in the castle that they weren't on good terms. As if it weren't enough that Syaoran snapped at anyone who even mentioned the slightest thing that could remind him of her, Sakura was caught in a very blurred state. Her smiles, if there were any at all, were distant, melancholy, looks. They weren't at all like the energetic girl that had graced their halls only a week ago.
So, of course, no one mentioned the other's name when in the presence of the prince or his servant. One reason was fear of making the girl break down crying, the way she pretended she didn't do in the depths of night. For Prince Xiao Lang, it was just out of fear. Either way, they were both not in the mood to deal with each other and no one was about to push them together just yet. Instead, they turned their cheeks the other way and kept their mouths shut.
Sakura carried on her duties, cleaning and tending to the garden that had become a place of pleasure and pain for her. Although she usually worked with the other servants, she distanced herself to help regain a piece of mind and some time to think. However, this time, she wasn't alone, she soon found out, when one of the newer maids, a girl who had seen only thirteen summers, approached her with a nervous smile. Deciding she wouldn't scare her away, Sakura returned the grin with her own and and patted the place next to her, as she continued to soak the dirtied clothes in the small stream.
"Good afternoon, Lady Sakura," the girl said, her voice meek with eyes as uncertain as her voice. The laughter that bubbled in the other woman's throat came out in bits of giggles, as Sakura waved her hand at the other's formal address. No one had referred to her as such in quite a while, and even then it had been sporadically.
"Please drop the 'Lady', for I am no such thing here. I am a servant to my... master," she said, hearing her voice become a little nostalgic as she said the last word. The younger girl caught it, but made no move to console her. It would be pointless to anyway. Sakura wouldn't accept anything that even resembled pity, sympathy, or advice. She wanted to deal with it on her own, a noble, but stupid, thing to do.
"A-ah... All right, Sakura-'san', then," she teenager tried, her voice unsteady and clumsy. Still, she tried to make Sakura feel more at home, which made her feel a little better. After becoming so detached from everyone else, she couldn't keep a conversation going like she used to. She had tried not to notice the soft feeling of dread taking her senses whenever someone tried to keep a steady conversation. Usually, though, it ended with abandonment, due to their lack of understanding and her own defensiveness. After all, talking with a depressed person wasn't much fun.
Sakura nodded a little, in affirmation to the girl's choice of title, before going back to her laundry without really minding the other. Instead, the servant girl occupied herself by taking her laundered load and folding the clothes, before placing them in stacks. This continued for a while, the minutes that passed went unnoticed, until the teenager spoke up.
"I know this may be rude..." she began, fiddling with the collar of a shirt she just finished folding. Sakura looked at her curiously, as she took her wet clothes and placed them in a bubbling basin to scrub them. "But, I was wondering, what happened between you and Prince Xiao Lang?"
Covering her mouth, as if what she said had come out wrong, Sakura smiled softly. The girl was either very brave or very stupid for asking such a question, knowing the topic was a big no-no for the staff's usual gossip. Looking at the younger girl, she smiled fully, forcing her cheeks to do the motion, knowing it was not quite a smile. It was a painful thing to do, and she knew that the younger girl could tell. It was a sign that her energy, her boundless amounts of energy, couldn't cover up the pain that still filled her, due to news that hurt her.
"What's your name?" Sakura asked, knowing she had never properly asked, like a noblewoman would, but she had given up on trying to be such a thing here. Blushing, the young girl stuttered an apology for her rudeness and replied with an embarrassed squeak.
"K-kailin..." she said with a bow of her head, making Sakura nod at her, ignoring her nervousness.
"Well, Kailin-san, to be honest, I don't think it's any of your business."
"I-I know," she said quickly, a little offended at Sakura's bluntness but brushed it off, "but some people guess that it's some kind of lover's spat. Others say you're just having a rough patch, while the rest say the both of you hate each other. I don't want to keep guessing if it'll, in the end, offend both of you when we figure out whose right..."
She looked up, a little surprised in Kailin's reply, but pleased to here honest words. Really, it was nice to know that there were others who cared enough to stay out of their business, long enough until either she or Syaoran was willing to explain. However, that man would never divulge this kind of information, so the only one with the entire story was herself, and even then she had no idea what to tell the others, who waited patiently.
"Is it really that important?" she sighed, staring at the bubbly water before her. A quick nod was her reply, and she sighed again, feeling the story reach her lips. They were going to figure it out sooner or later, so rushing the process wouldn't be the worst thing to do.
So she told Kailin everything.
That night, the castle was buzzing with talk. The young girl had given everyone an inside report, which carried on throughout the castle. The embelishments made were uncontrollable, so Sakura didn't bother to correct anything she heard in the corridors or the rooms. In fact, after her little story was told, it seemed like more people shied away from her, as if to give her space. Although very kind, it began to get irritating when everyone deserted the room, in hopes of giving her some "alone time."
She also noticed that Syaoran was avoided as well, which perplexed him. She had been spying from a corner, trying to stay out of his line of vision, when he asked two unsuspecting maids why everyone seemed to be vanishing whenever he appeared. Although scared, and a bit starstruck, they explained everything that they heard from the various workers through the castle. Sakura noted, with a tinge of pride and a bit of fear, that Prince Syaoran became more irate with every word he heard. He hushed them with his hand and told them to alert the castle to find his servant and bring her to his chambers.
As he stormed away, Sakura held her breath when he passed by her, silently fuming. She would have felt bad, seeing his fists tightened and jaw clenched, but then she remembered why she had spent so much time trying to hide from him. After all, he was the cause of all the ruckus anyway, even though she was in the center as well.
Sometimes she wondered why life couldn't just try and humor her.
Slipping out of her hiding place, knowing that the servant girls had already ran in the other direction to give the prince's orders, Sakura slipped onto a balcony. Thankfully, no one could really see her from any window. Instead, she planned to hide out and try to escape his highness's radar. Neither tonight nor ever would she be able to face him again without feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces, and, as long as she could prevent it, she would delay the inevitable.
AN: Merry (late) Christmas, Happy New Year's, and best holiday wishes. Lucky for you guys, this was out after Christmas but before the New Year's. I think that should count for something. I've gotten so much praise for this story and I really wish I could thank you all for your support, but it's really not that simple. But, since I can say it, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and let's hope that everything in the next year goes well.
Well, till next time.
Much love.
(P.S. I got to 3000 words! I will work hard to make sure it gets to 3500 next time.)