This chapter contains graphic/triggering imagery for SI.
Remus ran most of the way back to his house. He had too much on his mind right now. He just wasn't sure how to deal with it. Sirius claimed to love him and, over the summer, it seemed to become slightly true. But he knew that Sirius was also dating Snivellus. After all, how could he not? It's not like Sirius had done a good job of hiding it.
As soon as Remus had entered his house, he dashed up the stairs to his bedroom and closed and locked the door. Sure, James and Pete were in the kitchen, but that didn't matter. He needed to See, or at least to distract himself. After several minutes digging through his school satchel, Remus had located all of the spherical objects that had been in it for so long: a broken Remembrall he was trying to fix for a 4th year Hufflepuff he was tutoring, a small crystal ball he had been practising Divination with, a mirror-like orb wrapped in blue cloth and a slightly smaller glass orb with green flames dancing inside wrapped in black, and an imitation Snitch he was trying to jinx. But what to do? Should he try Seeing? Or should he just delve into work to get his mind off the matters at hand?
After a few moments deliberation, the Snitch and Remembrall were set off to the side for later distraction. Remus first reached for the crystal ball, but then went for the mirrored orb. It was a new object he was working on that allowed the user to track certain people. Only people that a certain charm (that Remus himself had invented) could be followed, and the user could only track people that they had used the charm on, for the same charm was used to activate the orb. He'd gotten the idea from Sirius and James's communication mirrors. This little beauty was how Remus had confirmed his suspicions about Sirius and Snape. That weekend in Hogsmeade, Remus had taken the mirrored orb with him. When he'd excused himself to the restroom at The Three Broomsticks, he'd checked on Sirius to see where he was. To Remus's horror, the image that had appeared in the orb was of Sirius walking hand-in-hand with the greasy-haired Slytherin.
The reflection of his room distorted as Remus gave the mirrored orb a spin and murmured "Semita Sirius". The orb slowed to a stop while a new image appeared within the orb. Sirius was just entering the house, looking completely confused and rather puffy-eyed. He also bypassed the kitchen, heading up the stairs and towards Remus's room. The werewolf held his breath, hoping Sirius wouldn't try to come in.
His wish was granted. Sirius simply stood outside the door and leaned his forehead on the frame. The image appeared to be faltering and Remus wondered if there was a problem with the enchantments, until he heard Sirius's voice through the door. He was sobbing. The image wasn't faltering, Sirius was quivering from sobs. He slid down to his knees, hands holding his head and twisting his hair in his fingers. The sobs racked his body harder, causing him to shake with more force.
The sight was too much for Remus. He quickly whispered "Relinquo", slipped all the balls into his bag and went to the door. Quietly unlocking it, he listened closer to the sobs for another moment. "Sirius?" he asked softly. The sobs instantly ceased, so Remus pulled the door open and looked down at the still quivering mass on the floor. Sirius looked up into the honey-colored eyes for a moment before he seemed to come to his senses. He quickly wiped his eyes and pushed himself up. Remus looked up at him, quirking one eyebrow. "Sirius?" he repeated with barely an increase in volume. "Are you okay?" He reached up and wiped away a stray tear trying to escape down Sirius's cheek. "You're still crying." Sirius forced a smile and rubbed the tears from his face and eyes.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm fine." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Remus's cheek. "Promise." The brunet simply raised an inquisitive brow at him. He felt as though Sirius was lying to him again.
But he'd leave it be for now. Remus leaned up onto his toes and caught Sirius's lips in a kiss. At the moment, his heart was telling him not to think about his lover infidelity but just to enjoy him while he could. So he let his pale arms snake around Sirius's shoulders, gently pulling him deeper into the kiss. Sirius seemed to oblige, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus's waist as their lips worked together.
Sirius slowly broke the kiss, a soft smile playing on his lips now. "Thank you, Remus." Remus smiled in response.
After spending several days with all of his friends, Remus actually felt worse than when they first arrived. Especially after the day he'd just had. The four boys were currently sitting in the living room, discussing what they hoped to get on their O.W.L.s. Remus was lying on his back, his head resting against Sirius's thigh. He played with the hems of his long sleeves. He'd screwed up twice in the couple weeks since his friends arrived, once the first night and once the morning of the full moon. Today was their last full day here and he very badly wanted to stay in control. Now, after being awake for only four hours, he knew he wouldn't last.
Remus sat up, forcing a chuckle out in response to whatever James had just said. "Be back in a minute. Loo." He pointed toward the stairs, indicating the upstairs toilet. He jogged up the stairs and quietly entered his bathroom. After checking that none of them had followed him, he slid the lock into place. He didn't need someone walking in on him right now. He just needed his "fix".
Under the sink, in a small wooden box, behind the box of toilet cleaner was his goal. From the engraved wooden box, Remus withdrew a small silver razor blade. Settling himself against the cabinet, the glint of the blade reflected onto his sleeve. Remus set the blade on his thigh and began to roll up the sleeve on his left arm. In the harsh light of the bathroom, all of his scars were cast into a horrible relief. He traced his fingers over the deepest one, running at a diagonal down his entire forearm.
Serenely, with great grace, Remus picked up the razorblade and traced it lightly over the scar. A thin line of blood appeared in the wake of his blade, dotted by small bubbles. He then used his pinky finger to smear the line of blood down his arm. A small smile lit his eyes as the sting reached his nerves. The first dip into the bloodbath was addicting. Now, he was way beyond stopping.
Ten more times Remus drug the blade across his skin, each time in a new place, and each time with a little more force. Adrenaline and blood pumped through his system as the ache in his arm spread through him, numbing his brain slowly. For the twelfth cut he traced his deepest scar again, pressing harder as he traveled closer to the crease of his elbow. Blood had already pooled in his palm and the crease of his elbow and caked over many of the smaller cuts. Not a single drop had spilt onto his clothes, though plenty had made an attempt to stain the bathroom tiles. Rubbing his eye with a knuckle of his right hand, Remus took in his work so far. He wanted a nice round 13 cuts today, but he could still feel the red-eyed beast gnawing at him inside. It might take more to quell the hungry monster.
As he poised for what he hoped to be the final cut, he heard the lock click back into its home. Every muscle in his body spasmed as the blood drained from his face. The gnaw in his stomach ceased but not because the beast was sated. He had been caught off guard, as had Remus, and lost his appetite. Honey eyes raised from the red streaked arm to the icy eyes of the intruder. Shock was reflected there. As realization dawned on Remus, the blade slipped from his fingers, slicing the side of his left hand as it fell. "Remus. . . . . ?" the intruder whispered.
". . . . . Fuck." was Remus's only response. Sirius dropped to his knees beside the bleeding boy. "Fuck. . . ." Remus repeated as his eyes took in the sight behind his boyfriend. The other two Marauders had come to check on him as well. Peter looked ill and James looked like he was about to piss himself. The beast within him reared its head again, screaming from hunger. Even Moony wanted to submit himself to the gnawing red-eyed beast.
James pulled Peter into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. "Remus. . . . ?" he asked quietly, sliding down beside him. Peter very obviously averted his eyes from the whole mess. Prongs and Padfoot each took "post" on one of Remus's sides.
Taking the werewolf's left arm, Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple. "Rem. . . . Moony. . . . ." The gnawing intensified as Sirius began to magically heal the wounds. Murmuring a lyrical sounding spell, Sirius drew his wand over one of the deepest cuts. James squeezed Remus's right shoulder firmly then set about cleaning up the mess, including disposing of the razor blade. The minutes dragged on as a warm sensation was repeatedly drawn across the skin of his left arm. Thankfully it couldn't cure all of the sting. The faint sting that remained was enough to quell the red-eyed beast for now.
After nearly ten minutes of cleaning and mending Remus in deafening silence, he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked away from the three boys. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, he turned back to them, ready for what was sure to come. Honey coloured eyes roamed the three boys's faces, jumping from Sirius to James to Peter then back to Sirius again. Amazingly, Peter was the first to speak up. "Why?"
Why. The obvious question that can never be satisfactorily answered. Remus sat on the edge of the bath tub, hands on his knees. "It's a release. It becomes an addiction. It takes away the pain." He nervously scratched at the spot where his right eyebrow met his nose.
Apparently inspired (or perhaps ashamed) by Peter's bravery, James spoke next. "For how long?"
Remus closed his eyes while he thought. When was the first time he'd cut himself? Sometime the start of fifth year. But the monster had been dwelling within him for far longer. It all centered on when he first realized he was gay. He opened his eyes and looked down at his hands. "First time I cut myself was back in September or October. But the first time I ever thought about it was during exams of fourth year. When Isabella kissed me?" He looked for recognition. "That's when I realized for sure that I was gay. Her brother Craig jokingly kissed me too." Warm grey eyes met with stormy gold. Sirius understood the reasoning.
And he was next to speak. "Why today? What did we do wrong? What did Ido wr–."
"Nothing!" Remus cut him off. "I can't explain it properly, but you'd only understand it if you've experienced it." All three exchanged dubious glances. "Just. . . . ." He fetched for some comparison. "Think of it like a crack addict. He got into it, knowing it was wrong, but used it only when he needed the effects. But after a while, he doesn't need the effects, he needs the crack itself." Remus glanced up to them to see if he'd made any sense.
Three blank faces stared back at him until Sirius cracked up. "What?" he sniggered. James gave his best friend an odd look, while trying desperately trying to contained his own giggles. He failed. Miserably. Peter soon joined in the laughter. Remus simply sat on the tub's edge, shaking his head. He didn't really understand why his three best friends were laughing, but assumed it had as much to do with the extreme tension as with anything else.
After taking time to calm down the giggling gaggle of boys, Remus was pulled into a tight embrace. "You know we all love you, Rem," whispered Sirius into his ear. "So don't do this to yourself anymore." He turned the pale scared face to look at him. "Please?" He placed a gentle kiss on Remus's lips as he made his request.
James appeared to Remus's left and threw his arms around both of them. "Yeah! We all love you! Gay or straight, werewolf or not, fullblood or half, left or right!" The black haired boy grinned. Peter gave an affirmative sounding noise.
As Remus was thrust into the centre of a rather awkward group hug, he realized two things he hoped he would never forget. 1)His friends always had his back. 2)His friends could not be anymore insane.
He threw his arms around James' and Sirius' necks, thinking 'I wouldn't have them any other way.'
So these chapters have been written for a long time. I just realized I'd never published them here. Decided to fix that. I also hope to maybe actually FINISH this story. I'm working on the 12th chapter right now and hopefully will have it and the final chapter done within a couple months. So... sorry for the obscene delay and random flood of chapters. ^^;