Disclaimer: I disclaim.
Yay! A whole bunch of reviews for last chapter – thanks to my faithful reviewers Master of Anime, Gorion1928, and BlooDy-MaY! Thanks to my new reviewers as well!
And to all of you that read and DON'T review, I make it a point to NOT thank YOU! Ha, ha! I told you guys off! How do you feel NOW, huh? …Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT.
On that note, please turn off all your cell phones and on with the show!
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"Steady, twerp. You need to make this the perfect hit," Kyuubi held up finger and thumb to form an 'L' shape, using the shape to get an idea of where to aim. "You have to get it somewhere so that it won't slide off and explode somewhere else, but it's difficult with a boulder…"
"Can you just hurry up?" Naruto said urgently.
"Have some patience, twerp, these things take time!" the kitsune snapped. "Alright…if you get just the perfect trajectory…"
"Kyuubi!" Naruto protested nervously. "It's going to -"
BOOM. Naruto had managed to fling the Bomb Flower away so that it didn't explode it his hands, but sadly, it had exploded almost the very instant he had released it. Kyuubi turned to look at his ashen-faced charge, whose face was now ironically nearly covered in black ash.
"That was nowhere near the boulder," the fairy snapped as Naruto dragged a hand down his face. "That's why we'll be listening to me next time, right, twerp?"
Naruto glared bitterly at Kyuubi. "I could've been killed," he said flatly.
"No, you couldn't have," Kyuubi sighed. "When Bomb Flowers explode, they can reduce an obstacle or a monster to rubble, but the most that'll happen to you is that you'll flash red and about half a heart container will disappear."
Naruto continued to glower. Kyuubi shrugged carelessly and pointed over the short part of the fence. "Just chuck one of those over this short part of the fence and that ought to do the trick."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "So, what was all that about trajectory and angles, then?"
Kyuubi snickered. "You actually bought all that? Twerp, I'm a rampaging monster, not a math major."
Naruto slapped his forehead. "Whatever, dattebayo," he muttered. He hurled a Bomb Flower over the edge and awaited the loud BOOM to echo up to where they were standing.
The loud BOOM echoed up to where they were standing, and Kyuubi grinned, looking pleased with himself. "See, my advice has never led you wrong before, so why are you so determined not to trust me?"
"You'll probably betray me or something," Naruto pointed out as they began to head back down the trail. "You ARE evil. You tell me so all the time. Besides, you're Kyuubi, and that's reason enough."
Kyuubi stroked his chin thoughtfully, resting on Naruto's head. "Those are some good points," he admitted, "but without you, I can't make it through the rest of the game, and if I don't make it to the end, I don't get my nine-billion dollar contract I mentioned in Chapter nine."
Naruto looked taken aback. "You'd be greedy before you'd be evil?" he asked, impressed. "I misjudged you."
"They go hand in hand anyway," Kyuubi waved a hand modestly.
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'Dodongo's Cavern' rolled across the screen, but combusted from the heat halfway across the screen. A giant central platform was surrounded by lava, the steam rising up ominously, sending conveniently placed platforms up and down, also conveniently. At either side of the room were two long strips of ground at roughly the same height as the central platform, and above the platform was a gigantic, dried-out reptilian skull, with a strange indent directly below it on the platform. One the side platforms were strange, statue like creatures whose cyclopean heads rotated slowly, searching for an enemy.
Naruto gaped. "That was a long description…" he gulped, tugging at his collar as he stared up at the skull in particular.
"I kind of like this place," Kyuubi said brightly. "I feel more at home, you know? The heat, the fire, the obvious hostility in the atmosphere…"
"That's a really big skull," he said, fanning himself and looking as though he desperately wanted to turn and run out the way he came. "Like, not just kind of big. It's huge. Gigantic. Do you think…" he began to sweat more from nervousness than heat. "Do you think that's a Dodongo?"
"…And the high ceiling reminds me of the open air as I would roar once the entire village was reduced to debris," Kyuubi said nostalgically. "Those were some good times, the age before the Yondaime came into power…"
"Hey!" Naruto yelled in Kyuubi's face, sending him reeling backwards due to his lack of body mass. "I'm having a breakdown, dattebayo! I could use some reassuring!"
"Relax, twerp," Kyuubi brushed himself off, grumbling darkly as he flitted back over to his charge. "Now, since the author getting tired of our banter and doesn't know where exactly in this room the Dungeon Map or Compass is, she's going to put a time lapse line, and by then you'll have miraculously forgotten your fear."
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"Still afraid of Dodongos or giant skulls, twerp?" the kitsune asked, hovering above the Compass and Map Naruto held in his hands.
"Nope," Naruto tucked the aforementioned items away. "I seem to have miraculously gotten over my fear around the same time I got those two items. What next?"
"According to my brochure, we just enter this room right here," he indicated to room they were currently standing in front of. "We ought to find a pathway leading two a switch and two of Dodongo's Cavern's finest statues."
Naruto looked at Kyuubi strangely. "You have a brochure?"
In response, Kyuubi held up a leaflet with the words 'The World of Dodongos; A Tourist's Guide' emblazoned on the front. "It's good to read up on these things first," the kitsune chastised. "Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't."
Naruto just shook his head, looking perplexed. The door flew open and the pair began walking through contently.
"AGH! Tiny evil lizards sprouting from the ground!" Naruto shrieked, slashing wildly with his eyes closed. The baby Dodongo's exploded on contact. Naruto screamed twice as loud and twice as high.
"AGH! Tiny evil exploding lizards sprouting from the ground!" Naruto cowered by the suspiciously bomb-able looking wall. Another one of the baby Dodongo's exploded and the wall behind him crumbled.
"Duck in there, twerp," Kyuubi pushed him through the now-revealed door as the baby Dodongo's piled up against the walls. Inside, Naruto began yelping again. Kyuubi sighed and was about to yell at him in annoyance when he froze.
"A…bigger…Scrub…" he observed thickly. "Good Nayru, twerp, kill it! What the hell are you waiting for?"
Naruto obeyed robotically, looking dazed. The Scrub jumped up, glowing eyes wide.
"Please, young sahr, Ah didn't mean any harm!" it said in an oily accent. "Please, allow me to make it up to you!"
"Oh, no you don't!" Kyuubi pushed Naruto behind him defensively. "My contract will not be defiled by a horny, morally-depraved plant!" Luckily for the kitsune, the Scrub was unaware of Kyuubi's own depravity, and looked abashed.
"Sahr, Ah was offering nothing of that sort!" he said in a highly affronted tone. "Ah am a business Scrub. Ah aim to sell top-quality wares to all my devoted customers! Now please, young sahr," he turned back to Naruto with a false grin on his wooden features, "Ah would be simply delighted to show you our full inventory. We have a Deku Shield, along with Deku Seeds that can be used for that lovely slingshot I see that you have, Deku nuts to blind your enemies, top-quality blades of grass from Hyrule Field, wood shavings taken from actual tree stumps in Kokiri forest, pebbles from the very peak of Death Mountain – top quality, Ah am telling you, young sahr – magical 'healing' leaves found in the remains of the Great Deku Tree, bless his dear departed soul, wooden flooring made specifically for the Gorons, a matching salt-and-pepper shaker set, a cheat-sheet to last year's Chuunin exam, a -"
"This is all junk," Kyuubi spat, rifling through the Scrub's inventory as he rattled off useless items. "These magic 'healing' leaves are burnt up!"
The Scrub looked temporarily caught, his glowing eyes shifting rapidly from side to side. Naruto turned foggy blue eyes on him as he chuckled nervously.
"Did you say something about a cheat sheet?" he inquired groggily. The Scrub leapt up eagerly until Naruto continued, "Where the hell were you when I took the Chuunin exam?"
"It was last year's, twerp," Kyuubi drawled.
"Oh," Naruto blinked. "Never mind."
"You know, twerp," Kyuubi cracked his knuckles as Naruto drew his sword slowly, giving the Scrub a good view of the stunted blade, "there's only one thing as bad as a prostitute plant…and that's a pushy salesman."
The Scrub backed up nervously, chuckling awkwardly in his strange almost-southern accent. He burrowed underground with a squeak.
"Oh, thank Nayru there's something else here to make it worth it," Kyuubi pointed at the Gold Skulltula moving around pointlessly on the wall. Naruto killed it and left the room in order to give the author a place to put a cut-off line.
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"Well, this looks like a good place for a sub-boss battle," Kyuubi commented as they looked around from their place on the lava-surrounded platform. The platforms were all in hexagonal patterns with no sub-bosses in sight. Naruto looked at the kitsune strangely.
"Why would you say that?" he asked in disbelief. "Now, even though we're obviously in an empty room, a sub-boss will appear out of nowhere and attack me, and since I'll be caught off guard I'll be as good as dead."
At that moment, the sub-boss battle music started as two tall lizard creatures dropped from the ceiling. Kyuubi noted brightly, "See, you were wrong! There are two sub-bosses, not just one! These are Lizalfos, incidentally."
"Thank you, Kyuubi. You're such a comfort," Naruto said, ducking underneath his oversized Hylian shield. "Now what do I do?"
Kyuubi sneakily pulled something out from behind his back. "Conveniently enough, they attack one at a time, and rear back obviously when they're about to attack. Just stay under your shield and slash at them when they look vulnerable." He tucked the item away. Not that he drew an item in the first place. You saw nothing.
Naruto did see, however. "What was that?" he asked suspiciously. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.
"It's just a stupid Guidebook," he waved a hand. Naruto's jaw dropped.
"You have a Guidebook and you didn't tell me?" he shrieked, making an attempt to grab it. Having no wings, Naruto failed miserably.
"Eye on the battle, twerp," Kyuubi called down tauntingly. Naruto's eyes went wide and he ducked back under his shield, and for the sake of drama he only just managed to duck under the lizard's blade. It bounced off the shield, and Naruto seized the opportunity to slash at the creature's stomach.
After a few rounds of this, the Lizalfos let out a screechy honk and hopped to another platform to safety. Naruto looks bemused. "Where's it going?"
"It's the other lizard's turn, twerp," Kyuubi called out of nowhere. Naruto's head swung around.
"What the…Kyuubi, where are you?" Naruto's brow furrowed.
"For Nayru's sake, eye on the battle!" Kyuubi chastised, and Naruto swung back around in time to be sent flying backwards by the Lizalfos. He rubbed his head, wrenching himself off the wall with a pained moan.
"Told you, twerp," Kyuubi muttered to himself. "Of course I tell you, it's my job, but we can't just accept that I'm always right, can we? No, let's make things difficult for the poor kitsune and look around blinking like an idiot instead of drawing our Din-damned sword. While we're at it, let's stick him in the body of something that no living creature would ever consider respecting, like a stupid ball of light that jingles when it moves… Nayru's Love, I don't get paid enough for this…"
"Kyuubi, they're dead, you can come out now, dattebayo!" Naruto called as the bars on the doors disappeared, which started Kyuubi off again.
"Yes, Kyuubi, you can only come out if I summon you, dattebayo," he mimicked Naruto's tone in an insulting, nasal voice. "I've killed all the monsters – which I wouldn't be able to do if it weren't for your vast knowledge and skill -"
"Kyuubi?" Naruto waved a hand in front of the murmuring fairy, ears straining to hear whatever he was now giggling over. "Uh…Kyuubi? Kyuu-meister?"
"Don't call me that."
"Got it."
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Kyuubi sighed dismally as Naruto cheerfully whistled his way through the 'obstacles', the razor traps whizzing by his feet. Naruto seemed oblivious to them, or was just very good at dodging them. Kyuubi sighed again.
Naruto attempted to face him, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head as he groped for the fairy on his hat. "What is it?" he inquired. Kyuubi hissed and flew off Naruto's head to fly beside him, giving Naruto's hand a dirty look.
"It's just depressing how lazy the author is," he snorted. "We just skipped from the first sub-boss battle practically to the next. It's depressing."
Naruto looked momentarily panicked. "There's another sub-boss battle?"
Kyuubi seemed to consider his answer for a second. "…No."
"Oh, thank Din," he breathed. "Well, maybe the author just forgot everything in between these parts."
"If that was true, the author still could've taken some initiative," Kyuubi pointed out. "There are probably spoiler websites for this, right? They'd take you through the game step-by-step."
"What's a website?"
Kyuubi cracked an almost-malicious grin. "I'll show you a really good website later, twerp."
Naruto shrugged and chucked a Bomb flower at the high up wall from where was, which was now standing on a platform next to an opened chest. The wall crumbled and he hopped through.
"Aim for the eye with your slingshot, twerp," Kyuubi advised when they reached the next room – a platform in the middle room lit on fire with an eye switch above it on the wall behind. Naruto did as Kyuubi said – only taking five times to get the aim right – and hopped across.
"Ah, here we are," Kyuubi said. "Sub-boss battle number two. Good luck, kid." Kyuubi whizzed under Naruto's hat, giving the blonde only time to blink and say "Huh?" once before two Lizalfos jumped out of nowhere.
The following battle is censored for blood, gore, foul language, excessive dancing, dramatic death scenes, lava burns, violent betrayals, inappropriate uses of Deku nuts, villainous fairies, fistfights between a fairy and a postman, and improper use of cutlery.
Naruto stood stock-still in the exact same place as he was previously, dark blood staining the walls and making the platforms incredibly slippery. Naruto himself was unscathed, and there wasn't a drop of blood on him. Kyuubi was standing in front of him, panting and blood-drenched, still holding a vast array of coloured plastic forks. Eyes darting wildly around the room, he hesitantly tucked the forks away, smirking in self-satisfaction.
"Well, that was an unexpected battle," Kyuubi said, stretching the kinks out of this limbs. "I mean, absolutely nothing went the way I thought it would, huh, twerp? That was the epitome of a climactic fight. Job well done, all around."
Naruto just stared. Kyuubi began to whistle as he made his way towards the exit. "Shouldn't we be going? I can't open doors, remember."
Naruto nodded dumbly and hopped over to the door. It flew open and they walked down the hallway to another fire-platform puzzle.
"Two platforms are on fire this time, but there's only one eye switch," Kyuubi observed. "Try the switch first. Maybe it puts out both."
Naruto tried it. "Nope, dattebayo," he shook his head. "Only the closer one."
"Hop to it anyway, twerp," Kyuubi gave him a slight push. Naruto made a face at the kitsune, but jumped anyway.
"Hey! There's another switch to the side," Naruto observed, drawing his slingshot and firing a single seed. The eye slid shut and the inferno on the other platform went out abruptly. Naruto looked thrilled.
"Did you see that?" he tugged Kyuubi's wing excitedly. "I got it in one shot!"
"Very impressive," Kyuubi humoured him, not pointing out that he was about two feet away from it and it had taken him this long to finally get it in one shot. "Let's keep moving before the eye opens again. Sound good, twerp?"
"Hey," Naruto observed in the next room, "we've been here before, only we were down there," he pointed at the razor traps whizzing lethally along the bottom.
"Check that chest out, kid," Kyuubi urged. "Game logistics say that every dungeon requires the hero to find at least one big item with something necessary to get through the rest of the dungeon."
"It's a Bomb bag!" Naruto said triumphantly, the 'You got an item!' music playing. When it kept playing, Naruto frowned and checked the chest. Looking sheepish, he flicked off a switch on the bottom of the chest, and the music stopped. "Sorry. Forgot."
"Looks like it's made from part of a Dodongo," Kyuubi inspected the bag. "Possibly it's stomach. It can hold about twenty bombs, I'm thinking."
Naruto chucked the bag away, repulsed. "Ew, Dodongo innards."
Kyuubi narrowed his eyes and picked up the bag. "Take the stupid bag, twerp, so we can freaking get going again. Okay?"
"But it's…" Naruto struggled to find the right word, holding the bag up with his fingertips. "…It's icky," he finally decided.
Kyuubi whapped him on the back of the head. "Get over it, you little girl," he snapped. "It's just a bag that can hold explosives."
Naruto's look of disgust didn't go away, but he looked a bit more considering now. "Okay," he agreed sulkily, daintily tucking it into his kunai holster.
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"See, look twerp," Kyuubi smirked, "a perfect opportunity to use your new bombs."
"'Giant dead Dodongo," Naruto read the inscription, "when it sees red, a new way to go will be open.' What in Nayru's name does that mean?"
Kyuubi pointed. "It means you're about to get very jumpy again, twerp. Walk across that rickety looking bridge and drop a bomb off at those holes. They'll probably land on the skull's eye holes."
Naruto tensed. "Rickety bridge," he groaned. "There's no way we could time-lapse this is there?"
"For your dignity, I hope so," Kyuubi sympathized, "and for my sanity."
However, it was more for the sake of the readers that the author decided to put a cut-off line. In all likelihood, they'd be there for a while.
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The skull's jaw lowered robotically into the indent on the platform right below it, revealing a door in the back of it's throat. Naruto and Kyuubi walked along the skull, looking a bit disturbed. Well, Naruto did. Kyuubi looked saddened.
"My skull would've been twice as big as this one," he sulked. "You could've fit an entire dungeon in it. Now, though…I can't even open a door on my own. I feel so pathetically dependent."
"This looks like a straightforward puzzle with no real way to screw it up with a couple of flaming Keese flying around to mildly irritate you if they get too close," Naruto observed with frighteningly uncharacteristic accuracy. He turned to the moping kitsune. "I need your help for this one, Kyuubi."
Kyuubi lit up (quite literally) and hesitantly flitted over to his charge. "You need my help?" he asked cautiously. "Really?"
"Yup," Naruto said seriously. "There's no way I could figure out this puzzle."
And so he and Kyuubi merrily went about solving the puzzle, the readers unaware of whether or not Naruto honestly needed help or wanted to bring Kyuubi out of his sudden slump. Let's just leave them here for now, shall we? Let them solve their little puzzle, unaware of the horrors that lurk next chapter…
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Ha, ha! A horribly written cliffhanger! Has the suspense gotten to you yet?
Feel free to guess about the appearances next chapter! The characters coming up are King Dodongo, the Great Fairy of Power, and probably someone that I'm forgetting!
…How about now? Has the suspense wormed it's way into your brain yet?
No? Nothing? Huh…