After a long, boring walk up the enormous staircase, Chris found himself standing on the surface of the moon, staring off into the desolate moonscape.
"Well guys, we're here. Let's find Flathead's fortress." Joe said as he started walking out into the distance. The rest of his team followed him.
"OK, so what do we do now? The moon's a pretty big place. It'll take us forever to find Flathead at this rate!" Chris said.
"We're on the moon. Your argument is invalid." Kelly replied. Chris slapped his forehead.
"Do you even know if this Flathead guy is here Joe?" Chris said.
"He's always here." Joe replied.
"So what? Do we even know what his plan is? Can we even stop the infection by destroying that control center?" Chris asked.
"I misinterpreted the blueprints. The nanomachines aren't causing the infection. Stopping whatever Flathead is up to won't make everything normal again." Joe said.
"WHAT?" Chris yelled, "THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?"
"Stopping whatever else Flathead is up to." Joe replied.
"We don't even know what that is!" Chris yelled.
"That's why he's so dangerous! I need to know what he's doing! We're dealing with a complete psychopath!" Joe began, "A man who made a giant cannon powered by Wheeties to destroy the world! A man who created a robotic version of a math student he had long ago, who flattened his head in a tragic accident, with the sole purpose of murdering that man! A man that was crushed by a 500 pound block of concrete, yet somehow is still alive! Look Chris, I suggest you take whatever logic you had before the infection and throw it right out the goddamn window, because nothing will make sense to you if you don't! Logic is dead! Done! Deceased! Passed on! If you want to hold on to your precious logic, then go home. Go back to your home in Miami and spend the rest of your life alone, fighting off hordes of slavering mutants that will stop at nothing until you're dead! But if you want to survive and actually do something with your existence, then stay here with us and stop your bitching!"
"Besides," Kelly added, "We're on the moon. Your argument is invalid." Chris didn't say anything. How could one respond to that? He simply nodded his head as they kept walking into the barren moonscape.
"Seriously though, if this mission is apparently so important, then we're going way too slow." Chris said. Joe rubbed his chin and thought for a minute.
"There were some vehicles around here last time that got Fred and me to Flathead's fortress faster. Let's keep an eye out for them." Joe said. The team continued walking into the distance until they saw two small dots on the horizon. "I think we found our rides." Joe remarked. They got closer to the dots and found that they were two giant, red sneakers. "Yup. These are definitely them."
Chris's jaw dropped. He wanted to say something, but knew he'd get yelled at again if he did, so he kept his mouth shut. Chris looked over and watched Kelly climbed into one of the shoes.
"This. Is. The. Best. Day. Of. My. Life." Kelly said. Suddenly Kelly felt a massive weight get into the shoe with her.
"You're gonna need an experienced pilot to fly this thing." Fred said with a grin. Kelly frowned.
"You just crushed my happiness with your massive weight. You monster. My day is ruined." Kelly replied.
"Well Chris, I guess you're my co-pilot. Hop on skippy." Joe said as he climbed into the other shoe. Chris got in and looked behind him, he saw Ted standing there stupidly on the ground.
"What about Ted?" Chris asked. Joe turned around and looked at Ted.
"Hey Ted! Tongue!" Joe said. Ted shot out his tongue and Joe grabbed it. "Hold this," Joe said as he handed the tongue to Chris. Chris grabbed the tongue, it was the most disgusting thing he had ever held in his hands. Joe started up the shoe and started flying through the sky. Fred did the same, Ted was being dragged behind. Again.
"So Kelly, impressed by my flying?" Fred asked.
"You're squishing me with your fat, and you smell like ass. Here's a protip Fred, using fifty cans of Axe is NOT a substitute for bathing!" Kelly replied. The survivors saw a large castle off in the distance and sped up, stopping at the large front gate. They landed the shoes and got out. "When we make it back to Earth, Fred showers first." Kelly said.
"Keep dreaming Kelly. Fred hasn't showered since he moved in with me." Joe said.
"And how long ago was that?" Kelly asked uneasily.
"Six years!" Fred proclaimed proudly. Kelly stared at Fred in pure terror.
"That's foul." Chris said.
"We can discuss hygiene later children. We have a lunatic to stop." Joe said. The survivors plus Ted walked inside the huge fortress. Joe looked back and did one of his frequent team role calls. Kelly was missing. "Where did Kelly…?"
"I'm here." Kelly said as she walked in the room with the others.
"Where were you?" Joe asked.
"Oh, I was just outside throwing up. Don't worry, I'm OK now." Kelly replied. The team kept walking until they saw an enormous, floating thumbtack.
"I am the gatekeeper of Flathead's fortress. My name is Captain Tac-A-Moe." The tack said.
"Let me guess, we have to fight you to proceed?" Kelly asked.
"Nope. You want to explain how this works Joe? Because I'm getting tired of it." Tac-A-Moe said.
"Sure. What happens here is that we race Tac-A-Moe to a huge checkered flag. We have to collect 100 yellow pellets as well. If we lose then… actually, that's a good question. What happens when we lose Tac-A-Moe?" Joe asked.
"I've forgotten at this point. I don't think anyone's ever lost." Tac-A-Moe replied.
"I've got a better idea," Kelly said, "How about instead of wasting out time racing you we just katana you in the face and move on?"
"That won't work. I'm indestructible." Tac-A-Moe replied.
"Bullshit. What do you think I am, stupid?" Kelly asked.
"He's not lying. I've tried." Joe said.
"So let me get this straight," Chris said, "Flathead discovered an alloy that is completely indestructible, but he didn't use it to make tanks or walls to his fortress, he used it to make a talking thumbtack?"
"Pretty much," Tac-A-Moe said, "I really don't feel like racing you guys right now, but if I don't at least attempt, I'll get fired. You understand how that is, gotta pay the bills somehow."
"Why don't you just go get a different job?" Chris suggested.
"Man, have you seen that economy? It's tough finding a job out there! Besides, who'd hire an indestructible thumbtack? No high school diploma, no GED, no college diploma, my only reference is a lunatic with a moon base… it's tough to be me." Tac-A-Moe sighed.
"So I guess we should start the race then?" Joe said.
"Guess so." Tac-A-Moe replied. The survivors, Ted, and Tac-A-Moe all took their places on the starting line.
"Ready, set, go!" Tac-A-Moe called out. The survivors immediately started sprinting and collecting the dots on the raceway, Tac-A-Moe was about to move as well, but he found himself being constricted by something large and slimy. He looked and saw that Ted was constricted him with his Smoker tongue. "Hey! No fair! That's cheating!"
"Suck it, Tac-A-Moe!" Kelly called back. Tac-A-Moe sighed.
"I hate this job." The survivors made it to the checkered flag; they piled all of their pellets together and started counting.
"98, 99, 100!" Joe said, "Good work guys, let's get moving."
"Shouldn't we wait for Ted?" Kelly asked.
"Oh yeah, Hey Ted! Hurry up!" Joe called out. Ted came shuffling down the obstacle course and smiled proudly, clearly happy for his contribution. The team put their collected pellets into a slot in the large door blocking their way. Once all the pellets were in the door opened up to reveal an extremely long hallway with all sorts of broken robots and prototypes hanging on the walls. Towards the middle of the hallway there were 10 stasis pods, each one containing a different robotic Joe, and each looked more accurate than the last. However, the final pod was empty.
"Are these the robots you were talking about earlier Joe? The copies?" Chris asked.
"When I told you about Robo Joe, I meant ONE robot, ONE copy. I had no idea that Flathead's been hard at work making more." Joe said. "The fact that this last pod is empty disturbs me. Be prepared guys, I have a bad feeling about this…" The survivors got to the end of the hallway and opened the door. They were treated to a huge room that looked almost like a coliseum.
A voice boomed from a speaker, "Hello there Joe Text. It's been far too long."
"Flathead." Joe replied.
"Why yes, that is my name," Flathead replied, "What are you doing breaking into my home?"
"Don't play dumb with me. I know you have a new model of Robo Joe. Cut the shit and bring it out." Joe demanded.
"That's a shame. I had an intro speech written and everything. Whatever, I suppose I can understand wanting to get your own demise over with." Flathead said. The speakers shut off and the center of the coliseum slowly started opening. A carbon copy of Joe rose from the hole in the ground, as the survivors looked at it in awe. It was flawless. Every single one of Joe's features, his hair, his eyes, his clothing, all perfectly replicated.
Ted must've sensed danger, because he shot his Smoker tongue out at Robo Joe, Robo Joe caught his tongue in midair and yanked on it so hard that it pulled all of Ted's organs out, killing him. The survivors stared at Robo Joe in disbelief. Robo Joe then used Ted's tongue to wrap around Fred's throat.
"Shit! Guys! Help…" Fred cried out, but was interrupted by the sudden swinging of Robo Joe. Robo Joe started spinning around at unbelievable speeds, grinding Fred's face against the walls of the coliseum. Joe, Chris, and Kelly all stared at the horrifying sight, seeing a trail of blood on the coliseum walls wherever Fred had been. Robo Joe eventually let go of the tongue and Fred. Fred's face had been completely rubbed away, revealing the front of his skull. Robo Joe's eyes glowed red as he looked at Joe.
"Impressed Joe? Because now, you die." Flathead said calmly. With those words, Joe readied his flamethrower and sprinted towards Robo Joe. Robo Joe simply stood there, waiting for Joe. As soon as Joe was about to squeeze the trigger on the flamethrower, Robo Joe sprinted towards Joe and grabbed the flamethrower right out of his hands. He broke the flamethrower over his knee and bashed Joe across the head with one of the pieces.
"Fantastic. Guess I'm doing this the old fashioned way." Joe thought as he got up. He threw a punch at Robo Joe, but Robo blocked it with alarming speed and immediately delivered 6 counter attacks to Joe before Joe could even react, bringing Joe back to the floor.
"Goddamn, he's fast!" Joe thought as he rose again. He tried to kick Robo Joe, but Robo caught his leg mid kick, grabbed and flipped Joe over his head, smashing him to the floor. He smashed Joe on the floor back and forth as Chris and Kelly watched in horror. Robo Joe threw Joe to the wall opposite the two and ran towards him.
"I can't watch this." Kelly said as she drew her katana and started sprinting over to Robo Joe. She got to the opposite wall where Robo was about to deliver a punch to Joe's face. Kelly raised the katana over Robo's head, but before she could bring it down, Robo caught the blade between his palms, not even turning around. In one extremely fast motion he ripped the katana out of Kelly's hands, spun around, knocked her against the wall and stabbed the katana through her stomach, pinning her to the wall with it.
"KELLY!" Chris screamed. He started running towards Robo Joe, Joe, and Kelly.
"Chris, no! I'll hold Robo off! Go find Flathead!" Joe yelled. Chris stared at the three for a minute. Robo was royally kicking Joe's ass, and he really wanted to go help Kelly. But what could he do? If he tried to help Joe, then he'd end up like Ted, Fred, and Kelly. If Chris went to Kelly, what could he even do for her? So Chris ran away, to the exit opposite the one they had come through.
When Chris went through the door, he saw two signs. One pointing to the left labeled "Armory" and the other pointing right labeled "Control Room". Chris ran to the left, he needed weapons if he was going to take Flathead down. He opened the door to the armory and ran inside. He quickly looked around; he grabbed a grenade launcher and an M16 before he started running back to the coliseum. He ran past the coliseum entrance and to the control room. The door to the control room was heavily guarded by James Hammers, but Chris fired a single grenade into the group and they all exploded like fireworks. After the smoke from the grenade cleared, Chris saw the door was blasted down. He walked in and looked around. He recognized a huge machine as the control console in the blueprints. Chris walked over to it and looked for any switches or buttons of any kind. No luck. Chris walked backwards a bit before pointing his grenade launcher at it, whatever it was, it couldn't be any good.
Chris was about to pull the trigger on the grenade launcher until he heard a voice say, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Chris dropped the grenade launcher, pulled out the M16, turned around and pointed it at the voice's source. He saw a man with a flat head, not dissimilar to Ted's.
"What's all this about? Who are you?" Chris yelled.
"Calm down, calm down, no need to get violent." Flathead said. Chris walked closer to the man, still pointing the gun at him.
"Tell me everything before I blow your fucking brains out!" Chris yelled.
"Very well. What do you want to know?" Flathead responded.
"Who are you?" Chris barked.
"John Bowler. Known as Flathead after my math student, Joe Text, flattened my head in a "tragic accident."" Flathead replied.
"How do I stop the infection?" Chris yelled again.
"I don't know… try asking a medical doctor." Flathead said.
"Don't play dumb with me! I know about the nanomachines, I saw the blueprints! This is your doing!" Chris yelled. Flathead laughed.
"You didn't believe Joe when he told you that he misread the blueprints?" Flathead asked.
"I'm the one asking…" Chris thought for a second, "How do you know Joe said that?"
"Tell me Chris, have you had any injections recently? Like a vaccine?" Flathead asked.
"Hey! I said I'm asking the questions Flathead!" Chris yelled.
"Seriously, think about it. When was your last vaccination?" Flathead replied. Chris reached into the depths of his mind, his last vaccination? He remembered that there were some men from CEDA back at the first safehouse he was at in L.A. that gave him an "immunization against the infection".
"Back in L.A., in a safehouse…" Chris said.
"CEDA gave you one, right?" Flathead asked.
"How do you know all of this?" Chris asked.
"Are you even sure this is real, Chris? Not some sort of hallucination? Or perhaps a dream? You seem very doubtful of even your own existence." Flathead said. Chris stared at the man with the disfigured head.
"You can read my thoughts, can't you?" Chris asked.
"Not quite. I have your thoughts stored on a computer, constantly being sent to me. Observe." Flathead said as he walked over to his desk. He pressed a button, and a monitor turned on. The monitor was split into five distinct sections, each color coded. The one on the far left was blue and said "Joe Text" at the top; the two next to it were simply black screens, with the words "Data Unavailable" in red. The final two columns were green and yellow, labeled "Christopher Underwood" and "Kelly Hatfield". Chris saw the words "holy shit" appear under his own column as he thought them. Flathead shut the monitor off.
"That vaccination you were given wasn't from CEDA, and it certainly wasn't an immunization. Those were my henchmen DISGUISED as CEDA, and it was a liquid filled with nanomachines. The nanomachines rest in your nervous system and give me a readout of your thoughts, I've constantly been watching all five of you. You and Kelly weren't supposed to be injected honestly, but I had extra needles lying around and you were traveling with Joe, so I decided to add you to my database. Of course, I'm not the only one getting a readout of your thoughts." Flathead said as he switched the monitor back on and to "Channel 2", which showed multiple angles of the fight in the coliseum. Joe was getting his ass kicked by Robo Joe.
"Robo Joe v10 is untouchable in this state. Any thought Joe has, or you or Kelly for that matter, is immediately transferred to his brain. He can counter Joe's attacks before Joe even finishes thinking about it." Flathead continued.
"Then why isn't he coming after me?" Chris asked.
"Because he's not programmed to, he merely attacked Kelly in self defense. You must understand that I have nothing against you or Kelly. I get that you went with Joe because it was your best chance for survival." Flathead was silent for a second as he thought to himself; Chris still had the gun pointed at him.
"I have another question for you," Flathead began, "Did you notice something weird about the thought readouts? How two of them were missing?" Chris nodded, and Flathead continued, "That's because those were Fred and Ted's thoughts. They are dead, so I no longer need them. The nanomachines and Robo Joe served their purpose in that regard. Did you notice anything else?" Flathead asked.
"Kelly was still giving you readouts…" Chris answered.
"Exactly. She's still alive, and I can still help her. I've been watching you Chris, I know who you are and what you think about, and I must say, you think about the past a lot. Your biggest fear is that you'll lose her again. I could feel the panic in your thoughts when Robo Joe attacked, that you wouldn't get to speak to her again. It doesn't have to be that way, you two can still be together, and I can help you both. I have it on good authority that Las Vegas held out. You two can start a new life together; you won't have to worry about me or the infected or anything else. All you have to do is lower the gun, and let Robo Joe work his magic." Flathead said, Chris stopped and thought about his proposal.
"Besides, do you even know Joe? He's hidden quite a bit from you, I'm sure you'd be interested to look at his thoughts archive. He's nothing but a stranger and a liar Chris, why should you care about him? Why would you ever put him above Kelly? Your best friend, your childhood friend, your true love, your reason for living! You're always thinking about her. Do you really want her to leave your life again Chris? Do you really want to go back to sitting alone in your apartment, dwelling on the past? I can heal her, and put you two on a shuttle to Vegas. You don't have to live alone Chris, I can help you. All you have to do is lower the gun. Just lower the gun, if not for you or me, then for her." Flathead finished.
Chris looked at Flathead, then he looked at the nanomachine control center, and then he looked at the monitor. Chris saw Kelly struggle against the wall, trying desperately to remove the katana from her abdomen. He saw Joe taking the worst beating possible from Robo Joe. Chris looked at Flathead one more time and gave it a good long thought. Chris then lowered the gun.
"Do you promise to stop at Joe? You won't try and dominate the world or anything?" Chris asked.
"Oh of course! All I want is revenge against the Text lineage, why would I want to dominate a world of infected people anyways? You made the right decision Chris." Flathead said. Flathead turned around and started fiddling with the keyboard. Chris walked back the grenade launcher and picked it up. He then fired it at the control center, destroying it. Flathead heard the explosion and turned around.
"What are you doing?" Flathead yelled. Chris responded by unloading his entire clip of M16 ammo into Flathead. Flathead fell to the ground as Chris reloaded.
"I know about the Wheeties Cannon. You wouldn't stop at Joe, and you weren't looking to dominate the world… you wanted to destroy it." Chris said. After Chris finished reloading, he ran over to a microphone on Flathead's desk and spoke into it. "Joe! Robo Joe's been using the nanomachines to read your thoughts! I destroyed the control center! You have a chance! Don't worry, I'm coming to help!" Chris then ran away from Flathead's desk and into the hall. There was still time, he could still help Joe.
Joe had gotten Chris's message. He could now, theoretically, defeat Robo Joe. Unfortunately, in theory, you can do just about anything. The destruction of the nanomachines certainly hasn't seemed to slow Robo Joe any. Joe was still getting the shit kicked out of him, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take of it.
He tried throwing a punch at Robo Joe, it actually connected this time, but Joe was so weak that it felt like the gentle spring breeze on a smiling child. Robo Joe punched Joe to the floor. Joe tried to get up, but he couldn't. Suddenly he felt Robo's hand wrap around his throat, Robo lifted off the ground and squeezed. Joe tried to get some air, but Robo's hand was firmly around his throat.
"Please Chris, finish him…" Joe thought. His vision started blacking out when he felt Robo's grip loosen, suddenly he fell to the floor and looked up. Robo was seemingly just standing there, but then his body split in half and fell to the left and right. When Robo fell, Joe could see that Kelly had removed the katana from her abdomen and used it to split Robo Joe straight down the cerebral column. Kelly collapsed on the ground.
"Joe… Tell Chris… That I said… Goodbye…" Kelly said weakly. Joe crawled over to Kelly and checked her pulse. She was dead. Joe sighed and lied on the ground, he wasn't going to last much longer either at this rate.
Chris finally made it back to the coliseum. To his surprise, he saw Joe, Kelly, and Robo Joe all lying on the ground in the center. Chris, as if by instinct, immediately ran to Kelly and checked her pulse. No heartbeat, she was dead. Chris fought to hold back his tears.
"She told me to say goodbye…" Joe said. Chris looked over at Joe, and saw that he was still alive.
"Joe!" Chris yelled as he ran over and helped him up. Chris slung Joe's arm over his shoulders and started walking with him. Chris grinned at him, "We did it."
"No…" Joe said, "You and Kelly did it… All I did was get the shit kicked out of me…" They slowly passed the corpses of Fred and Ted.
"I'm sorry." Chris said. Joe shook his head.
"You lost someone far more valuable." Joe replied, "I have no brothers. Just chains." Suddenly Chris and Joe felt an intense rumbling.
"WARNING! ROBO JOE HAS BEEN DESTROYED! FAILSAFE ACTIVATED! MOON DESTRUCTION IN T MINUS 10 MINUTES." A computerized voice said. Joe shook himself off of Chris's shoulders and landed on the ground.
"I'm not gonna make it Chris… leave me… get out while you still can…" Joe said.
"No! Not after everything we've been through!" Chris said.
"Whenever there is a meeting… a parting is sure to follow… However… that parting… need not last forever... Whether a parting… be forever or merely… for a short time... That is up to you." Joe said.
"What?" Chris yelled.
"You'll understand one day…" Joe said.
"Joe! The moon is exploding! I won't make it off! Even if I did, things would still be fucked up down on Earth! This is the end!" Chris yelled.
"You can still make it… plus… this won't be… the first time… the moon's been… destroyed…" Joe said.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Chris yelled.
"I have… one last present for you… Jotorcycle… arise…" Joe said. Suddenly, the center of the coliseum opened up to a pit of fire and brimstone, the remains of Robo Joe and Kelly fell in as a golden, flaming, motorcycle rose from the inferno. After which the inferno closed again. Chris stared at it in disbelief.
"Jotorcycle? Exploded before? What are you still hiding from me? Who are you?" Chris yelled.
"I… am…" Joe took one last breath. "a transvestite…" Joe stopped breathing, he was dead. Chris still stared at him in complete confusion. He had no idea what had happened.
"WARNING! T MINUS 5 MINUTES UNTIL MOON DESTRUCTION!" The voice said again. Chris wasted no time; he hopped on the Jotorcycle and started it up. The Jotorcycle immediately took off like a rocket. It went at such intense speeds that Chris could barely hang on, and he felt like his skin was going to come right off his muscles. Chris was about to crash into a wall. Chris panicked; he couldn't control the bloody thing. He noticed a large, red button labeled "blast". Chris held onto it and the Jotorcycle started glowing red as it plowed through the walls of Flathead's fortress, he found himself on the moonscape in no time. He was going at such intense speeds that he found himself back on the stairway in no time. Chris would have no problems getting down to Earth quickly. Chris looked behind him; he saw the huge rock in the sky explode miles behind him. He continued speeding down the stairs, determined to get to Earth.