Chapter 10 talking (bella pov)
Edward had been an absolute saint over the weekend he brought me breakfast in bed and we just spent the whole day together doing nothing. His only day off this week and he decided to spend it worshipping me I really had married the best man in the whole wide world.
"you look happy, I guess you had a good weekend!" Lynn asked raising her eyebrows at me.
I smiled in return we sat in the staffroom at lunch "that obvious huh" she laughed at my response before I continued "my husband Edward and I spent a relaxing weekend together he's just started an internship at forks general so we barely saw each other during the week even though he did end up working on Sunday."
"good I'm glad you got time to yourselves if its one thing I've learnt its you've got to spend time with your other half no matter how busy you both are." Lynn responded giving me a warm smile.
Lunch was soon over and I found myself back in my classroom introducing the geography topic for this term and before I knew it the day was over, I just hoped that every day was this fast and more importantly this enjoyable. I'd just seen the last child off with his father when Esme came over. "you look happy today." She told me honestly before giving me a hug.
"so people keep telling me. We finally got to spend some time together just us I think we both needed it." I replied smiling down at Jayne.
"good well make sure you keep that up there's nothing more important than making time for each other." Esme told me waggling he eyebrows at me. I managed to blush and laugh a little nervously. Discussing my sex life with my mother in law was so not the right thing to do especially in the playground.
"right we'd better be going, don't be strangers and get Edward to ring me every once in a while!" She told me before giving me another quick hug and leading Jayne over to her car.
Back in the classroom I packed up my bag ready to head out early I'd have to take some marking with me but shouldn't take me to long once I got home. Grabbing my phone I had a message waiting from Edward wishing me good luck with the shrink. I'd been going for a few years now and had taken me a while to open up even now there was certain things I still hadn't opened up about. Jumping into my car I made the ride to port Angeles I didn't want to see anyone in forks even with patient confidentiality I wouldn't put it past them to gossip even the docs. I'd only been to this particular Doc a handful of times I'd had to switch when we moved back this way. If it wasn't for Edward I'd never have started seeing anybody in the first place.
Flashback
"I can't believe were at university Bella were finally here living on our own as adults doesn't it feel great?" Edward asked bouncing round in excitement. I shook my head at him giving him a small smile. Yes I was happy about being here but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about what could happen at any second. There was always so many horror stories out there especially young women of my age. With my track record who knew.
"it does feel good being here." I agreed quietly glancing round at the huge campus in front of us.
"come on let's pick up our schedules and maps we can have a look round find out where our classes are then that way things will be a lot easier in the morning." Edward encouraged taking my hand and leading me to the admin building.
We stood in line for what felt like an eternity surrounded by a swarm of people there was so much shoving and pushing that even with Edwards arms wrapped protectively around me I began to feel panicked. I had no control over what the others were doing, my eyes dating left and right everyone looked so huge I knew that they could over power me within a matter of breathing came in short sharp gaps and I struggled to get a hold of the fear that was consuming me. My nails dug into Edwards arms I couldn't find my voice I tried to communicate with him I needed to get out and soon before I either passed out or threw up.
"Bella?" He asked glancing down at me tightening his arms slightly but I couldn't respond my nails just dug in tighter. He turned me around so I was facing him and I buried my face against his chest trying desperately to get air into my lungs. Before Edward could say anything else some one knocked into my back knocking us both side ways causing my shaking to hit new heights. Holding me gently I felt Edward guide me away from everyone. When I felt a cool breeze on my back I knew we were back outside but Edward didn't stop until we were back at the car and encased in its safety he pulled me onto his lap and held me as I sobbed uncontrollably.
We sat that way for I don't know how long before Edward kissed my forehead and pulled away slightly to look into my eyes. "hey, you ok?" He asked gently brushing stay stands of my hair out of my eyes. "yes I'm sorry I didn't mean to I just..." Trailing of at the end a little unsure about what to tell Edward.
"Bella what made you panic?" He asked gently trying to work out what had gone wrong.
In a small voice I explained "it just seemed so busy I had no control over what was happening then when people began pushing and shoving. I felt small as if something could happen at any second."
"Oh Bella I'm sorry I should have realised we could have waited until it was quieter this afternoon." He responded giving me another hug.
"it wasn't your fault Edward it was me if I wasn't so irrational I wouldn't have freaked out like I did how am I going to ever cope with lectures and busy hallways?" I asked finally giving in and vouching some of my fears.
"we will work it out, let's go home and grab some food. Their open till six we can come back later it will be quiet and if it's too much I will grab your schedule for you ok." Edward finished. I nodded my head agreeing with him. We climbed out of the back and into the front of the car. Edward drove us back to our flat neither of us saying anything. Once we got home I made Edward a sandwich but was still to wound up to east anything myself. Once he'd finished eating we curled up on the bed and within minutes i'd fallen asleep.
When I awoke Edward had covered me with a throw but wasn't in the room. Stretching I pulled myself up and wandered into the living room, Edward was just getting off the phone. "who was that?" I asked sitting next to him on the sofa.
"Our parents, they wanted to know how the first day had gone?" He told me cautiously obviously trying to gauge my reaction.
"You told them what happened" I stated rather than asked.
"I'm sorry Bella. I know you hate people knowing but I'm at a bit of a loss. I want this to work for you but after today I think we need a little extra help." He told me wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
"I urm what do you mean Edward?" I asked tensing slightly at what he could be about to suggest.
"please don't panic Bella but I think that we should perhaps try speaking to someone perhaps a therapist..." He paused to let me take in what he had said "I know you said that you didn't want to see anybody but I think it may help and I promise Bella that if you really don't like it then we will stop." He finished letting out a deep breath whilst gazing at me.
I sat for a long time and just stared into space finally taking a deep breath I said "Edward I don't know if I'll ever be truly ready to talk to anyone about what happened there is so much that I haven't spoken about not even to you, the thought of telling a complete stranger terrifies me. What if they think I'm nuts and decide to lock me up?"
"That's not going to happen Bella and you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to but maybe they will give you some ideas ways of helping when you feel panic. It might be a good thing." He encouraged and I could hear the hope in his voice that I would at least try.
"ok I'll give it a go but if it doesn't help then we stop ok" I agreed though a little hesitatingly.
I still felt slightly panicked as we made our way back to the admin building to collect our schedules perhaps just maybe it won't be a bad thing.
End of flashback
My initial reaction to the therapy process was one of horror and the first few sessions often left me a nervous wreak. Edward agreed with me that I could end the sessions with the current therapist but wanted to try with another. I told him he was insane that it wasn't ever going to work, the first hadn't however I had to eat my words. Jo over countless hours gained my trust enough to help with my panic making crowds if not enjoyable but bearable. I had a lot to thank her for. I just wished that we could have brought her back with us, Jo was still in touch with us from time to time and recommended a friend of hers, Rebecca while I hadn't developed a complete trust yet we were getting there slowly.
"good afternoon Bella do you want to come on in?" Rebecca asked standing just to the side of me.
"hi, yeah sure..." I stammered standing I was so lost in thought that I'd not seen her come through. Once we were in her room I sank into a comfortable chair and raised my eyes at her giving her a small smile.
"you looked so lost in thought I didn't want to disturbed you." Rebecca told me sitting opposite me.
"yeah sorry I guess I didn't realise how deeply immersed I was." I replied giving a small life.
"its nothing to be ashamed of there's nothing wrong in getting lost in your thoughts every once in a while. Do you want to talk about it?" She asked giving me an option if I wanted.
"urn just why Edward persuaded me to start therapy in the first place and how much I hated going and to some extents still do" I admitted looking at her cautiously.
"I know were still getting to know each other Bella. We've only meet a handful of times but from what both you and Jo have told me, you've come such a long way over the last few years that surely you can see that." She told me gently but firmly raising her eyebrows at me.
I sighed taking a deep breath thinking about what she had said "I know I have but that doesn't stop the idea of sharing talking about the darkest areas of my mind any easier to talk or think about. Especially when I've literally spent half my life hiding it away." I paused to take another shuddering breath "sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to bury it all from myself and others."
"Bella as incredibly strong as you undoubtably are there is no one who would be able to do that without cracking. As much as they wanted to protect those around them. That fear that one day your going to find yourself as a girl with no one to help you is still holding you back from talking freely about that time in your life." I stared at Rebecca for a long moment just like Jo she had the knack of getting to the heart of things quickly pulling out what I'm feeling yet there was no judging from her at all.
"Bella I've never asked you this but how much does Edward know about your past from your point of view not his or what he found out from others?" She asked startling me slightly.
"we urm talked about some of the things that happened..." I began but Rebecca held her hand up to stop me.
"I know he knows the details Bella but does he know the feelings you have as a result of what happened?" She re-asked the question.
"He knows about the fear of crowds how I struggle to trust others and he probably gets quite a bit from the nightmares." I whispered the last bit not wanting to make a big deal of it.
"Ok and through any of that has he ever given you reason to believe that he still doesn't love you?" I shook my head I knew he hadn't which just made me feel guilty.
She smiled at me gently allowing me a few minutes to my own thoughts. "I think we need to work on you opening up to others we can start here with little things then perhaps getting Edward in as well that way you can talk in a controlled situation a place where you feel safe."
I nodded my head at her suggestion Jo had suggested something similar when we were at uni but I couldn't face it to the point of panicking completely. "ok but I don't even know where to begin?"
"ok how about this, I want you to tell me one thing that you haven't told Edward about your week." She told me.
Shit there was only one thing I haven't told him about. so taking a deep breath I told Rebecca about Mike and him cornering me at work. Some of the fear I had then slowly returned.
"Bella why didn't you say anything to Edward? Have you told anyone?"
I nodded my head, "I told Rosalie, I was at hers and she guessed there was something wrong and dragged it out of me."
"How'd you feel once you told her? How did she react?" She asked and I knew what she was trying to make me see.
"she gave me a hug and told me that Edward would want to know." I told her with a small smile.
She smiled in return and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about lighter things so that when I left her room I wasn't feeling bad at all. My main concern was how to tell Edward.
The drive home was quiet and relaxing as I listened to the radio. Pulling into the drive way I saw Edwards car already in the drive way. Smiling I grabbed my bag of books and headed inside. Following my nose I found Edward pulling a casserole dish out of the oven.
"Hey you when did you learn to cook?" I teased wrapping my arms around his middle.
"funny and no don't be daft. I got take out and put it in the dish in the oven to keep warm." He finished winking at me before dishing up and placing the meal on the table.
We chatted about our day I loved hearing about Edward the doctor he was so enthusiastic about it.
"so how was your meeting with Rebecca?" He asked as he took a sip of wine glancing at me cautiously.
"it was ok." I told him but gave nothing else away.
"Bells" he said raising his eyebrows at me.
We go through this process every time I come home, he'd live it if I opened up about what happened he wanted to feel like he was helping In this part of my life, like he was with other aspects. Thinking back to what we discussed earlier I took a deep breath and relayed everything to him how Rebecca thought it would be good to work on my feelings about able to communicate with Edward freely. His face beamed at the thought and he grabbed me out of my chair and in to his lap he held me to him I took a deep breath and relaxed into his embrace, all I had to do now was tell him about Mike.
Hope you enjoyed x