Author's Note: Hey guys! So this chapter was a little…difficult to write. But I finally finished it. Sorry about the longer than usual wait. I've been immersed in Blue Exorcist (anime) for the last few days and I've only just emerged. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter and remember to view. Thanks for reading!

True Rayanne Adaire

Chapter Eleven

Castiel

Dean and I slept until late that night. I hadn't meant to fall asleep but I'd been so exhausted…and I felt safe with Dean. Sleep just sort of happened. When I woke up, I didn't feel any better. It didn't surprise me, of course. How could I feel better when Balthazar was on the loose? He was the second oldest, only younger than Michael, and he was…powerful. Gabe, Lucifer, and I had been scared of him our entire lives. Even before our parents passed away he had been the one thing we feared. Anything else we could handle…but not Balthazar. He was…terrifying. Even to Lucifer which was saying something. Lucifer was scared of almost literally nothing. In fact, the only two things I'd ever known Lucifer to be scared of were Balthazar and our father.

"What's wrong babe?" Dean asked, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I'm scared," I admitted quietly. "Balthazar…he's…he's terrifying. I don't want him to find me again."

Dean's arms tightened around me. "That's not gonna happen, Cas. I won't let him come anywhere near you. I promise."

I sighed, opening my mouth to argue but found that I couldn't speak properly. My throat was tight and the room was spinning. A panic attack. I'd had them before, but it had been a long time since the last one and I'd been hoping that I had seen the last of them. Through the haze of fear that was currently choking me, I looked up at Dean and tried to focus on him…on something that wasn't the overwhelming terror that was coursing through my veins at the moment.

"Cas? Babe you okay?"

I shook my head before burying it against his chest. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, pressing against my heart until every beat was painful and I wanted to cry but I had no energy. All I could think about was Balthazar and Balthazar hurting Dean like he'd hurt me and that alone was enough to send tears rolling down my cheeks. Dean was still talking, and I couldn't breathe still. And then a cool hand touched my forehead, Lucifer's voice speaking calmly from somewhere above me and I was slowly calming down. When I had calmed enough to move, I glanced up and saw that Lucifer was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand on my forehead and his voice low and quiet and soothing. I was grateful, suddenly, that Lucifer was there. For some reason, though Lucifer was normally the meaner triplet, he was also the only one that could pull me out of a panic attack like that one.

"Sorry Luci…I haven't had a panic attack in forever."

"It's all right bro. Get some rest. I'll bring dinner up for you guys later but for now I'm gonna give you and Dean some time."

I frowned, wondering why he was so quick to leave, but a look at Dean told me everything I needed to know. My boyfriend's brilliant green eyes were focused on my face, bright and worried and fucking terrified and I found myself agreeing with Lucifer. Though I loved my brother and I was grateful to him for helping me, I needed to calm both Dean and myself down a little before doing anything else. Giving Lucifer a ghost of a smile, I turned my complete attention to Dean.

"Dean? What's wrong?" I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek.

He tried to smile, leaning his face into my hand. "You scared me is all."

"I'm sorry, love. I haven't had a panic attack in years. I'd forgotten how intense they were…"

He tugged me against him, running a hand through my hair in an attempt to calm both of us down. It was one of his little quirks. When he was nervous or scared or anything that wasn't a positive emotion, Dean liked to run his fingers through my hair. It calmed him and it usually calmed me as well. After a few minutes, he spoke in a soft voice.

"Lucifer seemed like he'd been through it a lot."

I nodded. "He has. When we were still living with Balthazar, I had panic attacks on a daily basis. Lucifer was the only one that could really snap me out of it. We're the same age but…he's more like an older brother."

"Oh."

There was something in his voice, an emotion I couldn't quite place, and I found myself looking up at him. He was staring at me, his brilliant green eyes searching my face. I understood suddenly what he was looking for and spoke again, this time into his shoulder.

"You'll be able to snap me out of it too, you know. I can tell you what to do."

"You don't have to…" he whispered and I pressed my lips against his throat gently.

"I want to. Lucifer won't always be here to do it and if I'm not snapped out of it, things can get really bad."

"Okay."

"All you have to do is hold me like you're doing right now. Run your fingers across my scalp and talk to me. Doesn't matter what you talk about…just as long as I can hear your voice. I might struggle a little at first but it gets easier."

"That doesn't sound hard."

"It depends on how bad the attack is."

He was quiet, thinking for a long moment. "I'll never let anything happen to you, you know that right?"

I nodded, feeling tears rise in my chest again. "I know. But I don't want him hurting you either. I love you. I can't let him do to you what he did to me. It hurts. Badly."

His lips touched my hair. "Don't worry so much. You'll give yourself another panic attack and you look exhausted enough as it is."

"I am exhausted. Feel like I've been run over by an eighteen wheeler. I could probably sleep for a century."

He pulled the blankets around us again, cuddling me close and I felt safe. "Then go to sleep babe. I'll be here."

"I'm scared to sleep. I don't want to…don't want to relive it all again. Nightmares suck and I don't think I can handle them right now." I whispered, hiding my face in his chest.

"What if I wake you up when you start having one? You need to sleep, love. You'll wear yourself out."

I considered that for a minute before nodding. "Okay. But don't let me get too far into the nightmare. Please. I…I don't want to feel it."

"I won't. I promise."

Dean pressed his lips against my hair again, tightening his hold on me as I closed my eyes. I really was exhausted. Though I'd slept most of the day, I was mentally and emotionally drained and I really just wanted to sleep. I was terrified that I'd have another nightmare but Dean's arms were warm and safe and I knew he'd keep his promise. Dean wouldn't let me hurt myself. Not even my nightmares. I opened my eyes and stared into his for a heartbeat.

"I love you Dean."

My voice trailed off at the end as I fell into sleep. Sleep claimed me quickly and I just barely heard Dean's quiet voice whispering that he loved me too. This time, there were no nightmares.