I honestly don't know what to say about the amazing support I'm getting that I haven't already said, but I'm going to say most of it again anyway. I love you guys, I really appreciate how amazing you all are, and I'm really pleased that you're all enjoying the story so much.

Okay right this chapter's a bit different in that it's only from Lorraine's POV, it's a little bit shorter than the last chapter, and this one is very much M rated.
I don't normally like giving warnings in the authors note because I don't want to give away what happens in each chapter but in this case I know I need to. Because this chapter contains content about rape. And unlike the last time it came up this time it IS pretty graphic.

I don't really feel like I should have to justify this because hey, I'm the one writing this, but I'm going to explain anyway. For me I think it's necessary to the story. To me it's part of the character development and the development of this story, and it's what would happen if this story was actually happening in real life.

But I know for some people this may be a sensitive topic or you may just not want to read it. So I've been quite careful that although there obviously is a bit of a lead up to it the large majority of this chapter is JUST about Lorraine telling Nikki. That way if you don't want to read this chapter but you are enjoying this story and want to be able to skip past this chapter without missing anything much you can. Parts of what's said WILL be referenced back to for obvious reasons at various points after this, but you won't miss much of anything else if you want to skip past it.

But for everyone else that is okay with this then I hope I don't traumatise any of you too much, thank you for reading, and I hope you think I've done an okay job with this chapter.

Chelsey xxx

Chapter Eleven

Lorraine

Showering when I could barely stand wasn't the easiest task but somehow we managed it. Most of it was done with her standing behind me, letting me lean against her, holding me up with one arm around my waist. Now and then I'd feel a shiver go through my entire body as her lips would meet the back of my neck, running gently down it.

We hadn't completely forgotten our lack of clothing. Every so often I could tell she was trying to peer over my shoulder to get a proper look at me and I'd lean on her a little more heavily to prevent her staring. "Oi focus you, I'm not well enough to stand here for longer than necessary so you can keep taking breaks to check me out. If you want to work out whether you could actually be with a woman do it when I'm not about to pass out."

"Spoil sport" she teased.

"And hey I can't see you at all when you're behind me so I'm sorry but this just ain't happening babe." I turned my head around to kiss her and lost my balance slightly. She grabbed hold of me a little tighter and then turned off the shower.

"Right we're done you're clean enough." She leaned round me and took one of the towels off the side wrapping it around my body, before taking the second and doing the same to herself. "Teeth and then you need to go sit down for a bit. But I'm sorry I don't care how sick you are we need to get something inside you. Let your stomach settle from being dragged around then I'm making you some dry toast. In the meantime I'm getting you a glass of water."

"Dry toast AND a glass of water?" I said smirking, not even trying to hide the sarcasm from my voice when I said "You really know how to treat someone."

"You can have all the treats you want when I know they're not going to end up down me" she threw back, smiling so I knew she didn't mind.

She dried herself and then after taking me to sit on the bed disappeared into the guest room. When she came back she was in a pair of navy blue pants and a matching bra.

"Mmmm nice you staying like that for me?" I asked looking her up and down. She really was gorgeous.

Blushing she shook her head. "No but I only have work stuff with me, any chance you've got anything I can borrow?"

I nodded in the direction of one of my draws and opening it up she removed from it a pair of black cropped tracksuit bottoms and an oversized light blue t-shirt. "Perfect." Once she'd got dressed she came over to me, using her own towel to dry my hair. Satisfied my blond curls weren't soaked anymore she then started rummaging through my other draws until she found me a pair of pants, a pair of black leggings and a long yellow hoodie. "Cute that'll do."

Standing behind me she gently eased the towel off me and then started dressing me. "Would that not be easier to do if you were facing me Nik?" I questioned a little bit confused.

"Yes, but I know you're not a hundred percent about having me just stand and look at you yet."

I let her finish dressing me, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes. I was genuinely touched at how thoughtful she was. It honestly bothered her that I might not be comfortable with her standing in front me so she made things harder for herself to respect how I felt.

Once she had pulled my clothes onto me she came round to face me so that she could kiss me. As her lips touched mine I slid my hand up the back of her top and undid the catch on her bra. She raised her eyebrows and pulled back from the kiss to look at me.

"Well I can't have you any more dressed than I am, can I?" I said throwing a cheeky grin at her.

"Hmmm I guess not" she fiddled around under her t-shirt and took it off completely, throwing it onto the bed. I knew she was just doing it to humour me keep me happy because I wasn't well and I appreciated that more than she knew.

She led me into the living room and floated off to get us both some water and then a plate of dry toast. It took a while but slowly as we sat and chatted (we were back to discussing work – but hey it was working hours) I managed to get through a couple of slices.

"You feeling any better now?" she questioned tilting her head at me.

"Mmmm much" I leant forwards and kissed her again, before proving how much better I was feeling and moving back to my previous position of straddling her. She hesitated for a second, looking back at me, unsure whether I was about to make myself sick again. But she obviously decided that I was looking a bit better because the next moment she was pulling me back into the kiss. And there we were again, caught in the moment. Her hands were on my hips, mine were battling to pull her t-shirt over her head; she then did the same back. Leggings and tracksuit bottoms were removed and so we were back to just pants and making out on my plush leather sofa. (Now completely dry and sick free thanks to Nikki.)

But as I felt her hands start to tug at the material over my hips I realised that although I'd initiated it I wasn't ready to go as far as I thought I was.

"Nik, is it okay if we get dressed for a moment."

She looked down at where my hands now covered hers and nodded. "Yeah... sorry..."

"No, no it's not what you did... Well sort of... But it's just... Look please can we get dressed. Then I'll explain."

"Okay" she barely even looked at me and I could see the hurt and frustration flooding back to her face - but I knew she'd understand in a second.

Once we were both dressed again I took a deep breath and turned to face her on the sofa, legs curled up beneath me. "Nik, I really want us to... be able to go further. But every time we get to a certain point either something happens or I freak out or... Look part of me wonders if it's the world's way of saying we're moving too fast. This has been what three days? Babe I couldn't even be share a bed with Michael until after it had been like six months. We've been one proper date – that's it. Until recently I didn't even know if I could consider you my girlfriend. So yeah I guess part of my hesitation is because I'm freaking out at how fast this is moving. And I'm not saying that's your fault Nik I know I keep starting stuff as well, and maybe I shouldn't, not if I can't then go through with it, because it's not fair on you, but... Look despite all that, despite how long we've been together, I still really want to do this. I really want us to be together completely. I want to give myself to you. But there's something else stopping me too. And I think it's because... I can't move forwards until I've fully dealt with the past."

She had turned on the chair so she matched me, curled up on the sofa, staring at me with her legs tucked underneath her. I could see her take it all in for a moment before nodding slowly, not really sure where I was going. I looked down for a moment, scared that I was about to do something that I'd later come to regret, but knowing that what Nikki had said earlier was right, sometimes you had to take a risk.

Looking up and staring straight into her eyes I said, with far more confidence than I felt "I wondered if maybe I could tell you what happened to me, fully tell you what happened to me."

I felt her hand quickly move to mine. "Of course you can sweetheart."

"I know it sounds really stupid but... I feel like I need to. Before we can... you know?"

"Go any further" she said softly, "That's not stupid at all." And as I looked at her I could see nothing but understanding in her face.

"Yeah" I nodded, feeling terrified that I was about to do this, that I was about to open myself up this much, make myself this vulnerable to someone; but also relieved that she was being so wonderful about all

"Okay darling, I'm ready when you are."

"Okay" I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. I couldn't look at her while I did this, I just couldn't. After a few seconds more of building myself up, I began. "I... I was on the floor. She had me pinned down to with my hands above my head. She tore my dress off first. I just... remember begging her to stop. Telling her we would, promising we would, just not tonight. Not like that. But she just ignored me and kept telling me I could be her whore like I was for all the boys at school. I knew I should say something but I couldn't. I just couldn't find the words."

I felt Nikki's hand tighten on mine.

"Then she undid my bra and took that off. Grabbed my knickers and pulled those off too. And I'm fighting her off, but the more I fight her the rougher she gets. And then she's dragging my legs apart and I... and I can feel her start to touch me." I cringe at the memory and consider stopping. Why was I doing this to myself? Because I had to, a voice in my head said honestly, and because I need to.

"Shhhh it's okay Lorri I'm here." Nik's hand tightens on mine again.

"And then I feel her force her fingers inside me. And it hurt. It hurt so much. And I just remember her laughing and saying it had been a while and I'd got all tight again but it was okay I wouldn't be by the time she was done with me. And I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her so much that I never had but I couldn't. And I was still fighting her and so she started to be really rough and I just remember looking down and there was blood everywhere. My blood. And it went on and on and I kept begging her to stop, over and over again, but she just ignored me. I tried to tell her I knew this wasn't her and talk her around and she just slapped me across the face and told me to shut my mouth. Then finally she stood up and told me not to move. Part of me hoped it was over but I knew deep down it wasn't and so I tried to run, but then she came back and caught me and threw me back onto the floor. I looked at her and she was standing above me with a beer bottle in her hand. It was empty, she must have drunk it first..."

"That's why you've never had any in the house" Nikki didn't seem to realise she was speaking out loud. I opened my eyes at this point and she was staring at me so intensely with a look of horror spreading across her face at the realisation of where this was going and also everything that it was starting to explain. Then she noticed that I'd stopped and going a little red whispered "I'm sorry darling, go on..."

I wanted to reassure her, tell her I didn't mind her reaction, but I couldn't, so instead I simply nodded, shut my eyes again, and continued before I couldn't. "She was so angry that I tried to run. She just stood screaming at me for a bit; then she... she forced it inside me." I swallowed "And while she was doing that she moved down so she was half laying on me and started kissing my chest. And she only had one hand on the bottle and didn't need the other one to hold me down because I was basically pinned anyway and in so much pain there was no way I could go anywhere, so she moved the other hand further back past where the bottle was, and then she pushed them her fingers into me there as well."

Nikki's hand tightened on mine again, I didn't need to open my eyes to know that if I had she'd have looked as sick as I felt.

"And... And I couldn't take it anymore so I tried to escape. It was the hardest thing in the world to even move an inch because most of her weight was on me and also every time I moved I ended up pushing the bottle and her fingers further inside me... But then it seemed to have stopped her because she moved off my chest and took her fingers out of me, although she left the bottle in. Except then she moved round so she was facing away from me but sitting on my abdomen so I couldn't move anywhere. I could barely breathe. Then she suddenly put both hands round the bottle and... and she just... she pushed it in with all the force she could manage. She was so rough with it that it broke inside me. I just remember moving my head to the side and looking down... there was glass and blood everywhere. I just remember screaming in pain and then throwing up on the carpet next to me. But she didn't care. She laughed. She laughed and then she took the pieces of bottle out of me and then dragged me to my feet and threw me onto the sofa. Then she started using her mouth down there as well. She kept biting me."

I had to stop for a second tears took over and I could no longer speak. I could hardly even breathe. Nikki used her spare hand that wasn't holding mine to put around my waist and hold me closer to her.

"Are you sure you don't want to stop sweetheart?"

I shook my head. I just needed to get through telling her the rest as quickly as possible. Eyes still shut I continued.

"And then she had me by the hair and made me do the same to her but I didn't really know what I was doing, and so she got angry and told me I was useless and that she hated me and that I was a shit fuck and no one would ever want me. Then she took hold of my hand and forced my fingers inside her, but my little finger was at such an angle it got bend to the side and just snapped." I felt violently sick again by this point and was starting to wish that Nikki had brought my bowl with her.

"And she just let my finger hang to the side and made me watch while she finished herself off with my hand. Then she just got dressed and left. And I was still bleeding everywhere but I couldn't go to the hospital because she'd said if I did she'd kill me because they'd all know. And I knew I couldn't face the humiliation of everyone knowing what had happened to me and poking me around and... So I just sat and tried to stop the bleeding and get any little bits of glass out of me, and then I strapped my little finger up to my ring finger and..."

I trailed off. None of the rest seemed relevant anymore. All I knew was that Nikki was now clinging onto me; she'd dropped my hand in favour of having both hands around my waist. When I finally looked at her she was pale and her whole face was tear stained. She opened her mouth to speak but whatever she wanted to say obviously just wouldn't come out because then she shut it again.

I nodded. Because actually she didn't need to speak, her eyes conveyed perfectly clearly the message that her lips couldn't. She understood, she was sorry, and she loved me.