Hey! Look at me go! Another chapter. I don't know why it has, but going for this convention has really inspired me for this fic. Bizarre but it works out well for all of us doesn't it. Alright, so, hopefully the following conversation will come across as believable. I hope it does because otherwise I'm in trouble.
Dean drives. He does not speak, he does not turn his eyes from the road, he simply drives. Everything about his actions right now is a survival instinct. Dean does not talk about the things that have upset or frightened him. He does one of two things: he yells or he clams up. In this instance he has chosen the silent route and he thinks that may well be for the best.
The thing of it is; he cannot get the image of Castiel slumped, bloodied and unconscious, against Lisa's cupboard door out of his mind. He cannot stop the way that his gut clenches and his stomach churns every time that image replays itself in his mind. For a very long moment when he was trying to wake her Dean really thought that he had lost his friend. His emotional reaction to her waking up, however, is somehow more terrifying. The relief that washed over him in that moment was something akin to the kind of relief he has felt in the past knowing that Bobby or Sam are going to be alright. The sudden need to crush her to him and kiss the air out of her is the bit that scared him the most, though. Dean is very well aware of what some others think of his relationship with Cas. He is very well aware that some see more to it than others.
He would be lying, however, if he said that he had never considered the possibility.
Everything with Cas is intense. From the long stares that they often share, to the heated words they exchange, to the moments of close friendship that are rare and treasured. Everything they do has an intensity that he knows makes others uncomfortable and he knows that he should call Lisa in the morning and apologise for that. He never will. That sort of relationship, however, is always going to go one of two ways; hate or love. The two emotions are so powerful and so closely connected that he thinks it is sometimes a wonder that they can be told apart. Certainly, Dean has hated Castiel on occasion, but he is fairly certain he has never loved her. Him. Her. Cas.
Even in his mind he cannot keep straight what Castiel is any more. When Cas is a he everything seems so simple, Dean is not into guys and therefore what he shares with Cas is a powerful friendship. When Cas is a she it all gets so much more complicated. When Cas is female Dean cannot stamp down that want and desire that he has become so good at ignoring. He would not call it love, though, Dean does not know if he is really capable of that kind of emotion. Deep affection, certainly, but truly reciprocated love is foreign and terrifying to him. He has been burned too many times to allow that kind of emotion to rule him.
He glances over at Castiel, her face is screwed up in discomfort and her hands lie awkwardly in her lap. Her skin is so pale that it is almost translucent and he can see that she is struggling to stay awake.
"Go to sleep, Cas," he tells her, wishing that he could reach behind him and find the old blanket stashed in the foot well for the colder nights they spend in the car. Her blue eyes are wide and they sparkle as the headlights of car travelling in the opposite direction flash across them. There is pain there, and a desperation that Dean has only seen in one other place. Seeing that emotion there, seeing Cas in the loose clothes that Lisa has loaned her, makes Dean think of another time and another Castiel. It makes him think of a man lost to despair, drugs, sex and alcohol.
He swears to himself that no matter what happens to Cas because of this curse he will never let her become that person.
"There's too much to do, Dean, too much to research. How can you tell me to sleep?" Her response is a little irrational, Dean thinks, and very like Castiel who he knows has no patience for foolish human habits.
"There's nothing you can do in the car, Cas," he hisses. "It's dark and Sam has everything we need. Why the hell didn't you go to him, anyway?"
"I tried, but this curse wouldn't allow it. Do you think I wanted to be there, Dean? Watching you with Lisa, being reminded of everything that..." She trails off.
"What? 'Everything that' what?" Castiel's sudden silence worries the hunter and he glances over at her.
"It's not important." Dean sees the way that she shrinks into herself. He sees the uncomfortable way that she shifts and the way that she turns her gaze from him. "I tried to get to Sam and it wouldn't let me. It's like it's trying to tell me something and I have no idea what."
"We'll work it out," the assurance sounds hollow to his own ears, he has to wonder how it sounds to her.
"What if we don't?" Evidently Dean's own worries have managed to worm their way into Castiel's mind. "I could fly all around the world for the rest of time, Dean, and never find the one soul to break this ridiculous curse."
"Cas," Dean hesitates, this is really Sam's area and part of him knows that no matter what he says here he could easily end up saying the wrong thing. "Love is awkward and messy."
"I don't want to be like this forever," she replies. "I'm an angel, unless I'm killed I won't die. Can you imagine spending millennia like this?"
The truth is that what Castiel is suggesting is far beyond Dean's conception. The idea of forever, though mentioned and alluded to so many times, it something that no human can ever truly imagine. He shakes his head and knows that she sees it.
"I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should talk to Sam about this."
"Sam prevaricates," the aggravation in her tone is familiar, almost soothing. "Everything is complicated with him. You're simple, Dean."
"Gee, Cas, don't sugar coat it or anything." He knows that is not what she means, knows that she means that talking to him is easier than talking to Sam. "Look, I can't promise anything, Cas, but you'll know. When the right person comes along you'll know who it is." It is probably the most chick flicky thing that he can say, but at this point the hunter really does not know how else to put it. He wants to reassure her, but he also wants this conversation to end.
"How?" He has never really considered how little experience with humanity Castiel really has. He has never really thought about the fact that she has spent so little time as a mortal and so little time learning about emotions and what it is like to feel them.
"You just will," he glances away from the road to make eye contact with her for a moment. Even in the flickering light he can see the fear in her eyes. He can see the worry that she will continue to switch between an angel in a man's body and a soul stuck in the mortal body of a woman. Every night to be dragged away from whatever it was that she was doing and taken to where ever a Winchester might be. Except that tonight it has just been Dean that she has been dragged to, Sam is no where nearby and it makes him wonder.
A worrying theory begins to worm it's way into Dean's mind. He has to hope that he is wrong because if he is right it could well screw everything up. His friendship with Castiel has been delicately balanced since Sam got his soul back. Cas is fighting a war and Dean has been busy concerning himself with the existence of the Mother of All. So far their two goals have been conflicting and neither has the ability to aid the other. Castiel's problems are simply too large and Dean's are too far removed from the war in Heaven to hold the angel's attention for long. If the answer to this whole mess lies with the hunter Dean knows that it will make everything a million times more complicated and it will most certainly upset the delicate friendship that they are both still clinging to. He does not have so many friends that he can afford to lose one.
He fervently prays that he is not the answer to all of this. He cannot afford to be the answer because he is Dean Winchester and all he does is mess things up. People leave him, they seem to think of him as the anchor that holds them back, and it is almost as though he is doomed to be alone.
"What if I already do?" She whispers next to him and for a long moment he thinks that he has heard her wrong. Dean ignores it in favour of hoping that he is not the answer. Part of him, however, hates the thought of seeing Castiel with anyone else, whether as a man or a woman.
That is the part of him that he is the most terrified of.
Dean's having a crisis. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!
Artemis