First of all, before I begin this, I have a LOT of people to thank and I've been wanting to do this for a while. This is going to be a very long thank you, so if you don't want to read it, then feel free to skip ahead to the chapter.
As it stands now over at Twilighted I have:
76 Reviews
103 Favorites
13,747 Views
At :
55 Reviews
28 Favorites
38 Alerts
4,280 Views
Of course, I do take into consideration that those view counts are due to the viewing of separate chapters combined.
To me, those numbers are significant, and miraculous, even if they're not to others.
To my Betas: My original Beta Tiffanyanne3 and my current Beta Content1 over at Twilighted. They have both helped me immensely. Without them, this thing may have never seen the light of day. Thank you to you both. Content1, thank you for picking this story back up and helping me dust it off.
To all of my dear readers: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Seeing that people are actually taking the time to even give this story a chance to be read is a phenomenon that I am truly in awe of. Seeing my 'read count' grow exponentially has astounded me, so thank you. I would like to give a special shout out to those who liked my story enough to give it a chance by adding it to your favorites or alerts:
(They're in alphabetical order.)
Twilighted Favorites:
2loveybunnies
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Favorites and Alerts:
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XxVamping - Bella- WalkuskixX
And lastly and MOST importantly…to my AMAZING reviewers: I cannot describe with any words created by man how utterly thankful I am to read your words. Your responses to this story have touched me in so many ways that there is no way to repay you. So, I would like to instead list you all here as a thank you for your support because reviews are literally the most rewarding part of this experience and I would like to tell some of you what your words have meant to me:
(They're in alphabetical order too—because I'm weird and slightly OCD about random things)
At Twilighted:
(I've responded to 99% percent of them on the reviews page, but still, I think you all deserve to know that I don't forget them…ever.)
Alice1206: Thank you for giving my story a second chance after my hiatus, it made my day to know that you still loved it.
amber_v
amygrace2
amylily123: Your review cracked me up. Thank you. ;)
Bellababe76
b3llaluna318
bennyjo
Brindalyn
bugs in amber
carbuncle
CarliCullen1995: Thank you, for being the first person to tell me that my story moved you to tears and the first person to threaten me if I didn't update…and then again "UPDATE ASAP (or I will find out where you live and kick your ass...just kidding...maybe...)!" I loved that!
chrisbell
Clareita
Costa: Your reviews are the best reviews…ever. You review every…single…chapter, and you always help me find ways to make it better, you pay attention and you tell me what you think—what you find and every time I get a review from you it's like Christmas morning, waking up and finding a present waiting for me. You help me avoid holes in my story—your reactions make me estatic, it's like I said before "Usually when my friends read my stories I'm sitting next to them watching their faces or reading over their shoulders to see where they're at and I drive them crazy asking them what they're thinking! Like I wish I had Edward's mind reading ability. So it's so awesome being able to read what you thought at certain parts!" That is still true. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! So very much!
figi29: You once wrote, "I normally wait until the story is all the way completed before I read them (I've been burned in the past. I'll read a story and then it just stops with no updates and leaves the story unfinished and it totally aggravates me.), but I just had to read this one so far." I have to apologize to you because I did do that. I had written the first few chapters and then I just…stopped. Life got in the way, boyfriends (Just one actually—an idiot who broke my heart.), I got deployed to Iraq—not that those excuse what I did, but it was so hard to write a love story when I was broken. I owe you and everyone I let down back then a huge debt of gratitude and an even larger apology. Thank you for the wonderful things you said about my story and I swear not to let you down again.
Disneyvampire: Your reviews were always so special to me, they made me smile…a lot, and they made me want to update so much more. "I always look for an update in my email. though I know you can't possibly update EVERY day. I wish..." And I always look for your reviews. ;)
Emily
eZmaee
Fantasywriter13: I LOVED your review, just absolutely adored it!
Goldseadragon: You know you rock, right?
gr8fulmom: Thank you for reviewing every chapter in the beginning—even though it was confusing.
griff1au
Heather
His Gem
Jujubakiller
jsbella4life
kedakeda
Kristy hess: When you said, "I have been reading stories from this site for a while but this is the only story that has really moved me to comment." THAT meant a LOT to me. Seriously. And tell your husband thanks for his service from me. J
ks82
Miasmiclouds
MalinB
Milinpink: Thank you, for not giving up on me.
MsTaurus14: Your words motivated me so much, and your compliments touched me deeply.
Phantomessangel: You stuck by me and I'll never be able to thank you enough.
Purple Passion
Rholyn
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spockdatabones: Again, thank you for the wonderful compliment.
Storms
This Girl loves to Talk
venus308
Virginia May: You were my first review ever, and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
Xerseven
Yuri: "OMG, I had to read the story from the beginning, I couldn't remember a single thing, but it reminded me why I placed it in my favorites. I loved it first time I read it and I love it again, especially having in mind the fact that you will be continuing with it. Loooove it, keep the chapters coming. I am truly sorry for all that happened to you, but reading your note in the beginning kinda gave a sense that you are a strong woman and that you will not only survive but will prosper." This was the first review to ever make me cry, it honestly moved me in ways I can't explain and your continued support means the world to me.
And to whoever it was that reviewed anonymously…thank you!
At :
(I can't respond to the reviews as easily as I can over at Twilighted, but I do read them and love them, and I want you all to know that.)
2wildandcrazyIndies: Thank you so much for giving my story a shameless plug, I truly appreciated that, and for the great reviews!
Ally
AP
Bennyjo4: You stuck by me even after my stupid hiatus and reviewed on both sites. I don't deserve you. Lol
dlajmc
Dmommy215
gadberry1
Gleekytwinsister
Goldseadragon: Thank you! For your reviews on both sites! Your suggestion helped so much! I really appreciated it a lot, it makes me a better writer.
Honeybeekiller
Karley: "I know I should be nice and just wait patiently for the next update, but it's been months and I'm beside myself with worry! Literally, I'm ripping my hair out in frustration. I love your writing so much and am really passionate about this story. Please update!" I'm sorry I kept you waiting. L Thank you for worrying and more importantly for reviewing.
Littlelizruth: You were my first review over at so you already know you rock—like I owe you chocolate chip cookies and a gold star—kind of rock. Aaaaand…you stuck with it, even after I left you hanging for so long, you still kept reading and were the first to welcome me back. Thank you so much for that, and for every single review, they were the motivation I needed. I can't thank you enough, because when some others gave up on me—even though I deserved it—you and a few others didn't.
Lwolf
messyBee: LOL. I love your reviews. Reviews that crack me up are awesome.
Milinpink: Thank you for still reading and reviewing! You're reviews are spectacular!
Phantomessangel: You took the time to review here and at Twilighted so thank you so much!
Pain-In-The-Dance: "This is an amazing story and I can't believe that I forgot it. I had to reread the whole thing but really this is an amazing story. I hope you update quickly. I love that the story is almost like a continuation of the original stories, but with more drama and excitement." Even after two years, you didn't give up on this story, thank you, and for your wonderful reviews.
Reinbeau: Thank you for your many reviews! They're fantabulous!
ScienceofDeduction22
Spockdatabones: First of all, I love your name. lol. Thank you for reviewing on both sites. And I don't mean to be evil and leave you hanging, blame work…I don't get off until 11 most nights and I get back up at 9 to do it all over again so writing in between that is hard, because I have to do this stupid thing called 'sleep'. In fact, it's 5:04 in the a.m. as I type this. I wish I were a vampire and I didn't have to sleep, because then I'd never stop writing. Thank you!
seachel
tsuenami
Venus308: You reviewed on both sites, which was freaking awesome! And you thought it deserved more reviews…well, so do I…but I'm biased. Lol. Thank you so much!
XxVamping - Bella- WalkuskixX: Sorry I don't respond as much to reviews at , I'll try to do better from now on. Thank you for them though. ; )
So again, to every single one of you…thank you, and please, even if it's just to say 'Hi, I liked it.' Please drop me a line or a review. I looooove reading them. They're like food for my writing soul. I look forward to continuing this journey with you.
Now, onto what you're really reading this for…the story.
In preparation for this chapter (And the following three of four chapters.) you need a certain song—I promise it is the most perfect soundtrack to this scene—I had it on repeat while I wrote it. It's haunting and beautiful. It's called 'Can't take my eyes off you' by Cary Brothers. Here are the lyrics:
"I've come to tell you all the truth
Though you always had the proof of it
My arms will grow
Chest expanding
Of all the boys you could have landed
Why'd it have to be me?
You...can't take my eyes off of you
You...can't take my eyes off of you
Wisdom tells me to turn away
Broken once, it's all the same
My arms will grow
Chest expanding
Of all the boys you could have landed
Why'd it have to be me?
You...can't take my eyes off of you
You...can't take my eyes off of you"
I'm sort of begging here, but please, please, listen to it first, or put it on repeat and play it as you read, at a soft volume or loud, but it will haunt you. I love it. I just want you to be in the moment with me—with Edward. It sums Edward up so perfectly 'Of all the boys you could have landed, why'd it have to be me?'
Now, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that this chapter is very short compared to my previous chapters. Why? Well, because as I was writing it, five pages turned into ten, ten turned into twenty, twenty turned into forty…you get the picture. This chapter got wildly out of control. So I decided to break it apart into smaller pieces. Which brings us to the good news. Since I'm breaking the chapter (80% completed by the way) up into smaller pieces, that means that I will be posting the chapters quicker. Probably one every other day or so, at least as long as I'm getting a response to them. I'm not going to keep posting a new one every day if they're not garnering any traffic. I know, I know, I'm stingy. I crave reviews like chocolate. But you get the point.
So here it is, the first part.
I'll admit that this chapter and the next three or four that follow it all contain a lot of quotes from the books—in fact, I'd say 60% of them are comprised of bits and pieces of the books—and if you're as in love with them as I am, you will remember them and understand their purpose. By the way…I hope you've read Midnight Sun. ; ) They're what made me fall in love with Edward and Bella's love story. You know, the important things—the ones that were wrongfully left out of the movies, which is why I theorized that the movies didn't hold the same magic. Damn you, Melissa Rosenberg! Okay—not really, but you get my point. So, I give Stephanie Meyer the credit for this chapter—not me, I'm just repeating the story we all already know and love. I hope you like it.
This chapter is dedicated to:
Costa: For the best reviews EVER!
Goldseadragon: For the best suggestion.
Spockdatabones: For the best compliment.
And to Alice1206, Bennyjo4, Littlelizruth, Milinpink, Pain-In-The-Dance and Yuri: For never giving up on me. Love you guys!
I ached to be human as the nearly dying sun over the horizon began its descent. The desire to feel my heart beating furiously like a war drum inside of me gripped me fiercely. Instead there was a dull hint of pressure—the imagined sensation of staccato beats thumping erratically in my stone chest—the ghost of my humanity lingering in my body somehow. Even after a century, I still felt the hollow ache of it.
I was waiting for her. I knew somehow that she would come to me here.
The warmth of the sun was fading, bright orange as it began to descend upon the horizon, but it was the perfect moment as the sky began its transformation—the soft blue blending into the warm orange glow, vibrant pinks and violets—mirroring the summer wildflowers that surrounded me as I sat staring unblinkingly as the world continued to turn. I felt the warm beams of light reflecting through the atmosphere on my stone skin as they filtered through the tops of the trees, the line of their shadow steadily approaching me.
"It's almost twilight."
The warmth of the sun was incomparable to the sound of her voice as it ran along my skin, like the hum of electricity. I could feel her there beside me staring up into the horizon of the mountains beyond the trees, mirroring me. I slowly turned, my eyes falling upon the beauty of her basked in the glow of the setting sun. Her hair shined with its warmth, reflecting in the soft curls that fell to frame her face. Her eyes were closed, her face serene as she turned her face up to the sky. Even the translucence of her pale skin, leaning back, bracing herself on her delicate palms behind her as the dying sun shone through her to the flowers beneath didn't diminish her beauty to me.
Her soft pink lips parted. "What was it you told me once?" She murmured with a soft smile. "About twilight?" She opened one eye to peer mischievously at me for a small moment before closing it again.
I furrowed my brows, not understanding why she wanted me to say it. "I don't remember." I frowned, leaning back to rest on my elbows so that I could watch her.
"You remember everything." She mumbled wryly a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
My hallucination was teasing me now?
I sighed and yielded to her. Even in death, I could deny her nothing. "It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time, but also the saddest—in a way—the end of another day, the return of the night." I whispered and watched as her eyes fluttered open and she slowly turned to watch me, blinking curiously at me. Her brown eyes were clear and bright, despite their transparency. It was the end of another day and the beginning of another night—without her.
After a long pause she twisted and stretched out upon the soft bed of grass and flowers, laying on her side to stare at me, propping up her head on one elbow and sighed in frustration. "Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"
I blinked at her then. Of all the conversations that my mind could have conjured for us to have, why this one?
"I miss this." She shrugged as if to answer my silent question. "I miss 'us', just being 'us'—talking about everything and nothing." Her smile slowly fell then. "There's no harm in remembering what happiness felt like, Edward. You've been remembering all of the bad stuff for so long…I just…I just miss being happy." I blinked at her as she stared right through me. "I miss how it was—like when we first met."
"Okay," I nodded, "What do you want to remember?"
She chewed on her bottom lip as she rolled her gaze upwards in contemplation. I wanted to feel the way my heartbeat should have sprang to life and spiked at the sight of her doing that, the way it would have, had I been human and my heart could still beat. She was still thinking, a small 'v' forming between her brows as she concentrated. It was maddening and thrilling all the same, that even when I imagined her I still didn't know what she was thinking or what she would say next. It was just like it was in the beginning.
"How easily frustrated I am." I sighed recalling my words from our first time in our meadow and her lips slowly pulled into a delighted grin as her eyes fell back to meet mine—their brown depths were shining.
"See," She implored me happily, "You do remember everything."
I frowned at that. "I wish I didn't."
Her grin faded abruptly then. "Why?" Her voice was sad.
"There are some things that I wish I could forget." I whispered as my grief gripped me fiercely.
"Then why don't you forget me then?" Her words were serious.
"I never want to forget you."
"Then don't think about those things, just remember me." She murmured softly.
"I always remember you." I told her.
"Like our first day here in our meadow?" Her brows rose in reminder.
"Yes." I nodded.
"I miss you being like you were that day." She admitted timidly. "You were so…happy." She looked down bashfully. "I was happy—really happy—too." She slid her eyes back to meet mine shyly. "I thought you were so beautiful in the sun…I still do."
I felt my whole body soften. "So, you've told me." I reminded her in amusement—recalling the dozens of times when she had said those words—as I raised my hand to tilt my wrist into one of the streams of dying light as it reflected the sun in thousands of tiny ruby tinged sparkles, they glittered off of my marble skin fracturing the glow of the sun upon her and through her dancing over the flowers beneath her. I watched as her eyes were held in fascination. She reached out to trace the outline of my wrist in the air in wonderment, never touching me. I missed the way she used to look at me like that. Her eyes turned back to scan my face then, her hand falling back to her side and she erupted into a sudden fit of giggles.
I quirked a brow at her in interest. "What's funny?"
"Well, it's a little silly isn't it?" She smiled secretively at me from beneath her lashes.
"What is?"
"You spent all of that time in the beginning, expended so much energy trying to convince me of how much of a monster you were…and it turns out that you sparkle." The giggles resumed. "Not exactly up to par with the scary vampire spiel."
I rolled my eyes and collapsed to the ground with a soft thud. My hallucination was a perfect replica so I would be, too. "Bella, you are utterly absurd." I mumbled in exasperation—repeating the rude comment that I'd made about her during one of our earliest conversations as I stared up at the darkening sky. I felt where my mind began to flow then—back to the beginning—to the dozens of times when I had tried to warn her away from me. The sound of her laughter evaporated.
"Edward, don't." She warned me sadly.
"I should have tried harder." I swallowed bitterly.
"There was nothing you could have done—nothing that you could have said." She murmured stubbornly from beside me. "None of it would have changed a thing. I still would have fallen in love with you."
I turned to look at her sharply then. "And look where loving me got you. You're dead, Bella—you're dead because of me." I spat bitterly. My words came out harsher than I had intended, but the harshness wasn't directed towards her, it was directed towards myself. "I should have never returned to Forks—I should have stayed away from you from the moment I met you, but my pride wouldn't let me." The horror stricken expression on her face sent a sharp searing pain slicing through me, but it was short lived as her face darkened angrily.
"Maybe you should have stayed away or maybe you should have just killed me when you wanted to—but you didn't!" She muttered darkly. "So if you feel that way, then when you came back you should have just spared your stupid pride and just let that stupid van squish me!" She ground out angrily and the image of her suddenly evaporated, rippling like the surface of water.
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut as guilt washed through me making me pound the back of my head into the soft grass with several soft thuds, berating myself. Good job, Cullen, you've somehow managed to piss off even the hallucination of your dead wife.
"Bella, come back," I pleaded with a sigh, sitting up fluidly to scan the meadow fearfully. "I'm sorry." I whispered. And I was sorry—not for the words themselves—because they were the truth, but because I had somehow hurt her. Silence echoed loudly in the emptiness. I waited, but she didn't reappear. I pulled myself upwards to my feet, turning slowly to scan the edge of the meadow, panic starting to build in me as my eyes searched desperately for her.
She wanted me to remember our past…so I did.
"I tried to tell you," I whispered to the emptiness. "How many times did I say it?" I sighed out loud shaking my head—as if she were somewhere, somehow listening—remembering my words—
"It's better if we're not friends." I had told her. "Trust me."
Her eyes had tightened, her teeth clenched together—both of us remembering when I had implored her to trust me once before, begging her to let go of her need to know how I had been able to save her from that ridiculous van in the parking lot, promising to explain it to her—but I had gone back on that promise.
"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," She had said angrily. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."
Her words had shocked me.
"Regret? Regret for what?" I'd demanded.
And then had come her words, uttering a very similar statement, just as my hallucination had moments ago, with the same exact amount of ire—
"For not just letting that stupid van squish me!" She had snapped before.
Back then, her words had frozen me in stunning anger, where as this time they had only filled me with guilt for my inability—once again—to keep from hurting her.
"Regret!" I scoffed with a frown. "You thought in the beginning that I had regretted saving your life." I sighed softly. "I remember wondering how could you have been thinking that then, especially when saving your life had been the one acceptable thing I'd done since I'd met you—the one thing that I'd not been ashamed of. The one and only thing that had made me glad in that moment that I existed at all." I'd been fighting to keep her alive since the first moment I'd caught her scent.
I had furiously marveled over how she could have thought that of me—how she could have dared question my one good deed in all of that mess.
"You think I regret saving your life?" I'd asked.
"I know you do," she'd retorted.
Her estimation of my intentions had left me seething. "You don't know anything."
"It's better if we're not friends." I repeated out loud to the emptiness. "I told you that." I reminded her. "I've never regretted saving you that day, Bella—I never will—but even then, I knew that I needed to make you understand, somehow, that I wasn't good thing for you—that I was the absolute worst thing for you." I had tried to be honest with her—repeatedly—despite the pain it had caused me in doing so.
"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be." I had corrected her—I had wanted to be her friend…in the beginning at least, but by then—the night before in fact—I had drowned so far in love with her that my statement was almost some form of a lie. In truth, I had wanted far more from her than that—more than I had ever dreamed would be within the realm of possibility—more than I had any right to dare to hope for. I'd tried to warn her—hoping that she would have understood my meaning, because I had been unable to leave her, and a small part of me had hoped that maybe she would have been smart enough to leave me—before it was too late. How could I have known that by then, it was already far too late?
"It would be more…prudentfor you not to be my friend." But staring into the melted chocolate depths of her eyes in that moment, I had lost my hold on light. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." The words had burned with too much passion—too much truth—I hated them, because looking back on it all, I hadn't tried hard at all, not as hard as I could have— not as hard as I should have.
Her breathing had stopped, and in the second it took for it to restart, it had worried me. I'd thought that I had frightened her.
"Knowing what I know now, I realize that my words had thrilled you then, in a way that they shouldn't have." I felt sorrow pulse through me. "I had paved my own way into your heart unintentionally. I was a monster." I hissed darkly.
I had renewed my intentions for speaking to her in the first place then—asking her again if she would go to Seattle with me—before she could distract me again.
Moments before she had asked me, "Why won't you leave me alone?"
And, believe me, I had wanted to say. I've tried.
Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.
"And I was wretchedly in love with you." I grimaced as I remembered having that thought, cursing myself for it. "But still, I should have left you alone, and believe me…I did try." I implored the silence, unsure whether I was trying to convince my hallucination or myself. Oh, I had tried all right, I just hadn't tried hard enough, I was sure of it.
Her words and my train of thought had reminded me of my purpose then—why I couldn't leave her alone—selfishly wanting to know then if her rejection of her many human suitors had applied to me as well.
But then she had nodded and my whole world had opened up because she had said yes.
She had said yes to me.
Immediately my conscience had sliced through me—wondering what her acceptance of my offer would cost her.
I knew now what it would cost her—what it had cost her…
Everything.
"You really should stay away from me," I had warned her. Wondering if she had heard me? Wondering then if she would escape the future that I had been threatening her with and if there was anything that I could do to save her from me?
"But I couldn't save you from me, not when I couldn't even save you from yourself." I sighed and searched the meadow again. I'm tired of trying to stay away from you. I winced remembering those foolish words—complete and utter weakness. Tired of trying to stay away from her? I didn't get 'tired', I thought darkly. No, what I had been describing—what the truth was—is that my attempt at staying away from her had been utterly pathetic—unforgivable, in fact. I hadn't really tried at all when I looked back on it. "I should have tried harder." I whispered to the nothingness.
"Well…" I had said hesitantly in response to her surprise in finding me sitting alone that very same day in the cafeteria, waiting for her. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."
"To this day I have absolutely no idea what made me say that," I admitted out loud, but a pang of shame washed through me as I remembered it. Thoroughly, indeed. I had pretty much campaigned for my deserving of hell by my inability—and blatant refusal—to stay away from her. "My words didn't faze you one bit though, so I had tried again."
"I told you," I had reminded her. "I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up."
If I had only known then that I was forfeiting her life in doing so.
"Giving up?"
"Yes—giving up trying to be good." And, apparently, I had given up trying to be casual as well, but it was a lie even then, I had never been good. "I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may."
And they had fallen—like the blade of an ax of an executioner—I had gambled with her life, and I had…lost.
I hated myself as I remembered that moment and my selfishness. Though I had tried once again—more insistent this time—to get through to her when she had asked me—
"So, in plain English, are we friends now?"
I had pondered that for a second. "Friends…" I had repeated it, testing it. I hadn't liked the sound of that. It hadn't seemed like enough to describe what I had felt for her then—nothing had ever seemed like enough.
"Or not," she had mumbled, looking embarrassed.
"Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."
It was true.
I hadn't been a good friend for her—I hadn't been a good anything for her…ever.
I remembered how I had waited for her response, torn in two—wishing she would finally hear and understand, all the while thinking I might die if she did.
I wish I had died then and I wish she would have actually listened to me.
Her heart had beaten faster then, I had always been so infinitely aware of that sound. I missed it now, after nearly two decades without it.
"You say that a lot." She had commented.
Because it had been true.
"Yes, because you're not listening to me," I had said, thinking then that it had been too intense. Now I was convinced that I hadn't been intense enough. "I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."
I groaned to myself. "But you wouldn't listen—I tried to explain it to you, as best I could. Remember, Bella?" I whispered to my absent hallucination of her, recalling the rest of that memory—
"I'm trying to figure out what you are." She'd admitted looking at me curiously.
I'd held the smile on my face, locking my features that way, all while panic had twisted through my body. Despite my fear I'd managed to pluck up enough courage to coerce her into sharing a few of her theories about me, quiet sure that they couldn't have been worse than the truth—no matter what she'd come up with—nothing was worse than that…and she'd been quite sure that I would laugh at them. Though, I hadn't been able to imagine her coming up with anything that I would have found even remotely humorous at the time.
Thankfully, I'd been wrong about my reaction. Her theories had proved to be amusing—along with being utterly ridiculous—and well off the mark from the truth.
I had laughed—because she had thought I was a superhero—and that had upset her.
"I'll figure it out eventually," she'd threatened. My laughter had evaporated as her words sobered me, so sure that when she did know the truth, that she would run.
"I wish you wouldn't try," My voice had been pained as I'd said it, almost pleading.
"Because…?" Her brown eyes had clouded with confusion.
Because I hadn't been able to bear the thought of losing her—of having her look at me the way I thought at the time that she would have—with horror.
I knew better than to have expected that now.
I had sighed and met her gaze knowing full well that I owed her honesty. Still, I'd tried to smile, to make my words sound less threatening than I should have. "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"
Her eyes had widened by a fraction, her lips falling slightly apart. "Oh," she had said, and then, after another second, "I see."
I thought that she had finally heard me—had finally understood my warning.
"Do you?" I had asked, working to conceal my agony.
"You're dangerous?" She had guessed. Her breathing hitched, and her heart had raced.
I hadn't been able to answer her—I'd been afraid that it was going to be my last moment with her, wondering if she would run then.
I'd wondered then, if I would be allowed to tell her that I loved her before she left—afterwards concerned that that would have frightened her more.
Her reactions back then made more sense to me now.
"But not bad," she'd whispered, certainty had been clear in her voice as she'd shaken her head in denial, no fear in her warm eyes. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."
Agony—so acute and crippling—swept through me now, unlike then.
I had never deserved her faith in me.
Not then, and certainly not now.
"You're wrong," I had breathed painfully.
Of course I was bad. Hadn't I rejoiced then, that she had thought better of me than I deserved? If I were a good person, I would have stayed away from her.
I had stretched my hand across the table, reaching for the lid to her lemonade bottle as an excuse. She hadn't flinched away from my suddenly closer hand. She really hadn't been afraid of me. Not yet, I had thought in vain.
She never had feared me as she should have, because I hadn't tried hard enough to make her.
"I should have tried harder." I repeated those words like a mantra. The story of my life with her—I should have always tried harder.
I hung my head in shame, clenching my eyes shut as the rest of the memory continued behind my eyes—
I'd spun the lid like a top, watching it instead of her. I hated that I'd missed a moment of her beautiful face back then. My thoughts had been in a snarl.
Run, Bella, run. I'd thought, but I hadn't been able to make myself say the words out loud.
"I should have done the right thing. I should have said them. I should have made you run from me." I whispered intensely peering up at the vibrant sky.
She'd jumped to her feet then, and before I'd heard her say, "We're going to be late," I had worried that she'd somehow heard my silent warning, making me fight to hide the panic in my eyes.
"I'm not going to class today." I'd told her.
"Why not?"
Because I don't want to kill you, I'd thought bitterly.
They were blood typing in Biology that day.
"It's healthy to ditch class now and then." I'd half-lied, giving her a tight smile, and forcing myself to avoid thinking of her blood typing.
"Well, I'm going," she'd said. That hadn't surprised me. She was responsible—she always did the right thing…even until the very end.
She had always been my opposite, now as well as then.
"I'll see you later then," I'd said, trying for casual again, as I'd stared down at the whirling lid, all the while wanting to say, And, by the way, I adore you…in frightening, dangerous ways.
She had hesitated, and I'd hoped for one selfish moment that she would have stayed with me after all.
But then the bell had rung and she had hurried away.
I'd waited until she was gone, and then I'd put the lid in my pocket—a souvenir of that most consequential conversation—and had walked through the rain to my car.
All I'm going to say is that I'd better have some damn good reviews waiting for me after these chapters are posted. You have no idea how hard it was to chop up not only all of Midnight Sun, but the rest of the books as well, and piece them back together in the way that Edward would have thought them, sorting through every single line for similarities to support his thought process all while adding my own version of Edwards internal dialogue. Not to mention putting all of those clips from the books into past tense as he remembers them. *sigh* It felt like it took forever, seeing as how I had to practically re-read every single book twenty times. Again, he's a pain in the butt—or should I say fingers?—to write. Love you guys, hope you enjoyed it. ; )