Just A Little Bit More

Shay'a's POV

One year after leaving Sam

I thought I knew everything I wanted from life-forgiveness, redemption. But having received these things, far easier than I could ever have hoped, I found myself wanting just a little but more. I want trust.

I've been in Mia for a year now. She was a petite 24 year old whose cancer had eaten away most of her already tiny frame when I first met. But she's stronger than she looks. She has fight in her. Fight which made her live long enough for me to save her. She's smart to, way too smart to die that young. She is actually a huge help when I'm making schematics of Gou'ald technology I have stored in my brain. Ok, let's be honest, she makes the schematics of the Gou'ald technology stored in my brain. However, when I'm doing translations or ancient history she sleeps-and snores loudly! I'd much rather have Daniel as a companion when I'm doing that.

Daniel, he and I have formed some sort of bond in the past year. It's a deep bond, but it's not what I-or Mia (she had a crush on the good Dr. before we were blended, now she's head over heels in love with him) want it to be. It's a friendship, no, more like we're his therapist. I guess I figures since I was inside him he figures he has no secrets from me. The poor guy has been through enough crap that lord knows he needs someplace to unburden, and I love that he choose us for that job. But also…it almost hurts that we are so close, so intimate, that I know everything about him, including that he can never love me.

No, I'm not getting love. I don't need love. I just need a little bit more-I need trust. I'm still can't go off base or off world. I'm getting sick of the base let me tell you! Not that I deserve trust after what I've done, after what my race has done. I should be happy-I'm free, forgiven, doing an important job I love. But I want-just a little bit more.

Of course I really want a lot more. I really want Daniel, and a tank full of children. Offspring, decedents, the continuation of my species. But children, I can never have. I would never risk the fate of the whole galaxy for my own personal gratification. As much as I tried the techniques Egeria used to make the Tok'ra there would be no guarantees. Even the Tok'ra had traitors.

My thoughts of children are interrupted-by admittedly what may be causing my thoughts of children-Jack and Sam. They didn't waste any time. Once they decided to be together, they were together. They got married a little over six months ago, and Sam is almost five months pregnant with their baby. She probably didn't even need that extra time I bought her. I smile, trying really hard to hide me jealousy. Be happy Shay'a, they didn't kill you! I remind myself. Mia's laughing at me (but she's jealous too).

"Shay'a I think you overdid the healing of Sam's lady parts," Jack says earning him an elbow from Sam.

"What? Is the kid ok?" I ask really hoping so. Jack couldn't take the loss of another child.

"You mean the kidS." He says grinning.

"Twins," Sam clarifies and I'm hugging them both. Mia bursts in and squeals. Seriously? They might think it was me! That is a distinct flaw in sharing your body with another, no one is ever quite sure who does what.

We break away from the hug, and I'm not having to do a fake happy for them face. I really am as I say, "That is great, you guys. Congratulations!"

"Both girls," Jack continues grinning, "I'm having daughters!" Sam, who has not been having what you might call an easy pregnancy gives him a really dirty look at this. "We're having daughters," he amends. He's standing behind her, and he reaches around her holding his hands on her baby bump. Ok, jealousy back. I so want Daniel to hug me like that.

"Anyway," Sam says leaning into his hug, "Just wanted to stop by and tell you that. I'd better get back to work."

"Not hard work, Samantha," he says.

"I've got a lot to do before I become a full time Mommy," she says grinning at the words.

"Right, because saving the world repeatedly doesn't even count!" he says.

"Don't you have an SGC to run mister?" she says breaking away from his embrace with some reluctance. Right after they started dating Jack requested, much to his superior's surprise, a demotion. He's back to running the place. No more Washington, less paperwork, and more action. Add that to his family situation and Jack is a pretty happy guy.

Jack leaves with Sam, but he's back in a few minutes. "You ok Shay'a?"

I sigh, "Not a good actress am I?"

He looks me in the eye, "Maybe to most people. But we shared a body you know."

"It's stupid, Jack, I got way more than I ever thought I could hope for and I still want more."

He sits down on my desk, "That's human nature Shay'a."

"But I'm not human," I say with a laugh.

"Oh yes you are," he says with certainty. From Jack O'Neill a man with pretty firm ideas about what does and does not constituted a member of the human race that means something.

"Thanks Jack."

"You know Shay'a if you wanted to have kids the base commander might just say yes," he says.

For a second I can't breathe. That's the trust-the just a little bit more I've been waiting for. But I can't do it. So I reply coyly, "What an offer Jack! But how does Sam feel about you volunteering to father a bunch of aliens?"

He laughs, "Very funny Shay'a, my contribution to their existence would end with a signature." He grows serious, "But if that-you know-he-is the only thing stopping you there are sperm banks."

"Think I can't find myself a man, Jack?" I say desperately trying to steer the conversation away from Daniel.

"Oh, I've no doubt you could find yourself any number of eligible bachelors. But I know there is only one you really want."

I look away from him.

"That idiot friend of mine could do a whole lot worse, Shay'a. Should I tell him so?"

Mia takes over in panic (she doesn't get Jack quite yet), "No, please don't. It's bad enough he felt her love, he doesn't need to hear more about it."

He doesn't even tell her he was joking, just pats her arm, and says, "Your secretS are safe with me," and she blushes noticing the plural.

Jack is almost out the door before he turns, "Oh, and Shay'a, you're cleared to go off world. A certain archaeologist demanded you with on a mission. When the higher ups refused Daniel argued with the president himself. Not that I haven't tried that umteen times, but this time it worked. Go figure, he's a diplomat." Jack leaves me to my shock. I'm going off world. Mia's screaming inside me she's been dying for adventure. But I'm more interested in the trust. Daniel trusts me. Again I've been given way more than I could ever hope for. Way more than I could ever deserve. And again, I want-just a little bit more.

I'm still in shock when Daniel comes in.

"Did you hear Sam's having twins?" he asks. I thought I made an excited face. But turns out I'm a really bad actor. At least for people with whom I've shared a body. Daniel's looking at me with a face I can't read.

"Shay'a you're a Gou'ald queen," he says slowly, carefully, as if he's making a point.

Are we sure he's a genius?

"Yeah, Daniel, what gave me away?" I retort aloud.

He blinks at me. Daniel hasn't quite decided if he likes my humor yet. I think I remind him too much of Jack. But this time he responds in kind, "Your size flopping around on the floor outside of my office, but anyway you could make more Tok'ra."

Only with you.

"I'm not Egeria," I say.

"Well, whatever you would call them, you could make good Gou'ald," he's staring at me intently. He knows how this Sam and Jack thing makes me feel. But he should also know, I can never accept a solution that doesn't involve him. I'll want just a whole lot more.

"There isn't such a thing as good Gou'ald." I say bitterly.

"There's you," and those crystal blue eyes lock on to mine. For a second I forget everything. I forget all the reasons he will never love me, I'm a different species, we're two people in one body, I killed his parents, he still loves his wife. I forget all that, and for a second I believe he loves me. Then I remember, he looks at a lot of people like that.

Probably why half the female population of the base is in love with the delicious Daniel Jackson.

That and many other reasons. Focus Shay'a, focus.

"Daniel, I could never risk releasing even one bad Gou'ald into the world," I argue. The argument seems weaker under the blue intensity of his eyes.

"Even if you gave the world a thousand good ones?" I nod. "But what if we za'tarked them all when they got their host? We could extract any Gou'ald-any of them hiding evil-and leave in any…Shay'a kids." I'm not responding, but it is a really well thought out idea, "I don't want your race, the race that gave the universe Shay'a, to stop existing."

I shut my eyes, because I can't stand Daniel looking at me with almost-but not quite love. I want-just a little bit more.

"Shay'a is the only reason you don't want to spawn-me?" his voice sounds injured somehow and my eyes fly open.

"That is only part of it."

He takes my hand, "So what if that wasn't an issue."

I can't breathe. I can't fathom what he's offering. What he's willing to do for me-a woman he does not love. Allow a race he hates to continue, and more-the price of their continuous. He's offering a lot, all he can give. But I can't accept it, because I want-just a little bit more. I can't respond, and mercifully Mia takes over. "Daniel it couldn't be like that. We could bear having you…without really having you."

Daniel's hand reaches over and he puts it on our cheek. He's never touched me before. "I'm not talking about today, or tomorrow. I'm talking about sometime when it would be real."

He can't mean it can he?

"How do you feel about me?" I ask since Mia is too stunned.

He doesn't seem confused by our rapid switching of control which drives most people crazy. "Shay'a, I never thought I'd love after Sha're. I didn't really want to love again. To me love was pain. It was dead parents, kidnapped wife. It was longing and emptiness and sorrow. I didn't want to love again, because I didn't think I was strong enough. Then I felt your love for me. And you made me remember that love doesn't have to be painful."

He's a really good man.

To good for us.

Speak for yourself.

"Daniel I love you too much, to be loved out of sympathy."

He grins at me in a way that makes my stomach jump into my throat. "Good thing I don't love you because I feel sorry for you then," he says and he leans in for a kiss.

Mia takes over and pulls back, "Umm, Daniel? Who exactly do you love?"

He smiles, "God, both of you? Is that wrong?"

"No," we say together, letting him kiss us then.

"Six o'clock tonight?" he asks.

"You don't use many words for a linguist," I tease.

"Would you like to accompany me on a courting ritual this evening?" he says teasingly.

"Off base?"

"Off base."

"Love to Dr. Daniel Jackson." And I had everything I wanted-everything, and just a little bit more.

Daniel's POV

2 years later

My 57th child is definitely my favorite. Being the 'father' of larva Gou'ald is on the whole not a rewarding experience. First of all they aren't genetically related to you. They just need your DNA in order to avoid rejection when they take their first host in a decade. Secondly you don't really raise them. Ok, so you let them touch your hand for their first few days in the tank. Then you make sure you like the Jaffa you put them in, and off they go for a decade. Ok, so in ten years I'll pick the host, which seems pretty important. Then I suppose we'll have some sort of relationship after what I imagine will be an awkward reunion. Considering I'll be glaring at them from the other side of a Zat'nickitl waiting to see if they live or die. Ahh, fatherhood.

But this is why my 57th child is my favorite. I can still remember the conversation that eventually led to his existence.

"Daniel," Shay'a had said with the third batch of our larva children swimming through her fingers, "it isn't really like human motherhood is it?"

I put my arm around her and pull her close, "Not really."

"And they aren't really your kids," she says.

I've really tried to pretend I don't think that. But honestly, a tiny part of me would be grossed out if they were genetically mine, "No, they aren't."

"Daniel, I can't give you a human baby," but she's Mia now, "But I can."

"Mia?" I say quietly, stalling for time to figure out what I'm supposed to say.

"I want a baby too, Daniel."

I massage her face, "Mia, as much as I'd love to have a baby, it would mean Shay'a has to sleep for nine months. We can't ask her to do that after she spent 20,000 years in a canopic jar."

Shay'a is the one who answers me, "You're not asking, Daniel. I want our next child to be human."

So like I said our 57th child, the human one, is my favorite. Shay'a says that Caerus (The Greek god of good fate or fortune, named after Shay'a as it were) Daniel Jackson takes after me. Perhaps he does in his name, his allergies, and his blue eyes. But I think he takes more after his mothers-both of them. He's inherited Mia's thick brown curls and science aptitude. I guess you couldn't say he inherited, but maybe absorbed, Shay'a's humor and strength. Shay'a says he's got my Daniel Jacksoness, that resilience she loves so much in me. I don't know if she's wrong or right. But I do know, I'm making it a point that we'll never have to find out. My son, will never have to endure the things that revel Daniel Jacksoness, at least if I can help it.