Bella's POV
Tonight was a disaster. He will most certainly ask me to leave in the morning. I not only couldn't make dinner right but I also made a mess then I actually allowed him to clean it up. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to the leave the island all together. It will kill me but I will handle it with as much dignity as I can muster and will leave on the next boat without a peep. I know I will die of a broken heart once I get to the main land but I won't make him feel guilty for doing what he must. I will miss the girls. Not seeing Jasper again will be quite painful and I know I will watch his ship sail away after he drops me off for hours after they are gone. Even though he has been gone for months he has become synonymous with happiness and safety. I may not have been lucid but I have weeks of memories of him watching over me. Telling me it will be alright, taking care of me, even just sitting there and talking to me about his day. His voice fills my with a calmness that I know no one else will ever be able to fill. I will miss Alice, Char, Seth, Jane, Alec, and Leah as well but those girls will be my undoing. They have awoken the woman I want to be someday just by being them. I guess if I hadn't lost my children I could be blessed with 2 little girls by now. I can't help but clutch my flat stomach at the thought of that. I am such a failure I couldn't even allow my children a chance at life.
After dinner I was able to throw myself into watching the girls and didn't have to accept the fact he will kick me out. I love watching them and may take them more than Alice and Charlotte really need but I just love them so much. When they stay here I always make sure to tell them exciting stories with perfect happy endings until their eyes are dropping. They always beg me to get into bed with them and I do until they fall asleep then I sneak out. My dreams are to violent for me to risk sleeping with them. I would kill myself before hurting a single hair on their heads and if I risked sleeping with them I could unwillingly hurt them in a fit of terror during one of my nightmares.
They are long asleep now and I laid in bed a bit longer than normal with them. I want to remember this evening before he tells me I have to go. I memorize every curve on their little faces. Ciara and her light blond hair. She has her father's high cheek bones and her moms perfect cupid bow lip. She loves her sisters so much and is always willing to lend a hand to them. Fiona and her dark blond tufts curl around her face and highlight her dimpled cheeks . Maisie has light blonde hair like her oldest sister but it curls more like Fiona's. Her cheeks are always pink and happy with baby giggles and her baby teeth have filled in the front of her mouth. I will miss them so much. Maybe I will be lucky and he will just kick me out of his home. I wouldn't ask it but I know Alice and Charlotte would have me move in with them as a nanny or housekeeper.
I should leave now before I drift off to the symphony of their sweet breaths. I get up slowly and quietly making sure to lean in and kiss each of their foreheads before heading to the courtyard that my room flanks. I know my room is too nice for my station. This is a room for a wife or at least a well loved mistress not a house keeper. I could go back into one of the spare rooms, that better fit my station, but it is hard to hear them from there. I would have moved but Jasper told me explicitly that this was my room, at least for now, and I wouldn't want to upset him. If I crack the door to the courtyard I can hear them and still risk falling asleep at the same time.
It's a nervous habit by now but I tug on the sleeves of my nightgown making sure they cover the monstrous scars that mar my wrists as I shut the door slightly and move into the moon lit courtyard. I hate them. I wish I could cut them off and never have to see them glaring at me as a reminder of what I am and where I came from. I added sleeves to the nightgowns that Jasper got me just so I could cover them. I never wear short sleeves not only for me but so no one else has to look at the disgusting disfigurement.
My normal sleeping chair is waiting for me near the waterfall and I curl up into it and look up at the stars. I will miss this as well. The sound of the water trickling into my home and the breeze caressing my skin. This place has become my home. That room my safe haven. I love it here so much. There is nowhere else I would rather be. But how could he want me here after my outburst at dinner. For 6 months all I thought about was him coming home and not a few hours into his homecoming I ruin it. I dreamed about our reunion and how happy he would be to see how far I have come. And at first I think he was. I may have shocked him a bit with the home improvements but Alice promised me he would like it. I thought we could be happy. There is nothing he could ask of me that would be too much. I would complete any task to keep him happy and I truly loved taking care of his home. I went through all of his clothes and mended them meticulously so they would fit him well when we came home. His sheets were too old to repair and I worked hours on making him new ones and repairing the quilt his mother made. I made sure to keep his bedding and clothes laundered so his room would feel fresh and clean when he got back after months on the ocean. I scrubbed his floors and cleaned his room even though there wasn't a speck of dirt in there and loved every moment of it. He deserves my undying love and attention and I wish I would be able to stay and give him just that. I know he could never feel for me what I feel for him. How could he? He is my hero, my savior, my strength and I am nothing but a used whore. He rescued me from hell, rebuilt me, and gave me a home. How could I not fall in love with him? His soul is as beautiful as his body and there is nothing I would change.
Even with my love for him driving everything I do I know that I could have put it aside when he finally decided to bring his woman into his home. I would move to one of the backrooms and still taken care of the home for them. I would have been content to make his woman just as comfortable as him knowing he loves her. And since I love him I would love her as well. I know him and Leah have a relationship of sorts. I have heard people whispering about it and I have made sure she knows I love her as well. I tried as hard as I could to prove to her that I will make sure she is well cared for when he brings her to his home. I know she cares for me and has been a great strength for me while I have been recovering but I doubt she can make him forgive my slip at dinner.
"Bella what are you doing out here?" Jasper says breaking through my thoughts. I jump out of me seat and look around. "I am sorry sir I didn't mean to wake you." I stutter out looking at my feet.
Jasper quickly covers the distance between us and gently nudges me back into my seat. "Please don't call me sir. It's just Jasper. My men call my Sir or Captain sometimes but at home and from you I just want to be Jasper, just Jasper please." I tense up knowing I messed up again. I can't stop messing up with him. He must hate me. I bit my bottom lip trying to keep myself from crying. He pulls a chair up and takes a seat next to me. "What are you doing up? You must be exhausted."
I look to the cracked door to my room and smile at the thought of the girls sleeping peacefully in there. "I don't risk sleeping with the girls while they stay here. I still get night terrors sometimes and would never forgive myself for hurting them. I usually stay out here where I can hear them better. I promise they are safe and I never truly fall asleep so if they need me I can get to them."
I don't mean to jump but his hand grabs mine and I'm unsure at the contact. He doesn't let go but he loosens his grip at my reaction. "That is very sweet of you Bella but you need sleep. You can take one of the back rooms or even mine with the doors open if you worry you won't hear them in the night. But I assure you they will be fine."
"No sir, I mean Jasper, I like to make sure if they need me I will be ready." I reply quietly. He just squeezes my hand and drops it.
"I was hoping to get a chance to speak to you about tonight. When I saw you with the girls I didn't think I would have a chance before morning." I flinch knowing this is it. He will send me away.
Despite my heart pounding in my chest I take a deep breath and refuse to show him my weakness. I keep my eyes focused on the stone floor and memorize it for when I am gone."I understand Jasper. I will pack and leave quietly. I won't make a scene and will leave willingly. I just ask that you forgive me any emotional outbursts I have while being on a boat again they are a source of terror to me. I will leave on the next boat. You won't have to deal with me or my outbursts any longer."
It is silent for a moment and I risk a glance up at him. His mouth is hanging agape and he is trying to start but keeps stopping his words almost like a fish. If it was a different time I might be able to smile but I'm too heartbroken for such things. "What do umm, what are you saying about leaving?" He finally gets out.
"I have become a burden to you. Not within a few hours of your being home I made a mess and served you something repulsive. I ruined the happy atmosphere of your home and I know I have to go. I won't fight you on it and I won't allow anyone here to guilt you into me staying. I know I have done wrong and I must be punished. I will go on whatever boat you want me to go on." I have to stay strong.
It's quiet again for a long while. I know he thinking. "Bella" he starts reaching out for my hand again. I can't help but let out a slight sob has he clutches it. "Bella I don't want you go anywhere. I was going to apologize to you for my outburst at dinner."
"Your outbursts?!" I exclaim dropping his hand and standing up a bit straighter. My nervous habit of checking my sleeves come out and I know they are covered. "You did nothing wrong Jasper. I failed you and I know the punishment for that."
"Bella you did nothing wrong. I come home after being gone months and it is more beautiful than it as ever been. My home feels like a home not like a house I sleep in. You have it clean and maintained and a beautiful dinner waiting for me. I am sorry if I scared you I just really dislike carrots but how could you know that? If I could I would go back in time and just eat them and not upset you. I am ashamed at myself for scaring you like that. I will never hurt you, I will never be angry at you, and I will never send you away. I am so sorry if you I ever made you feel like I would ever do any of those things. I am amazed at how far you came since I left and I can't wait to see where you go. If you would rather leave my home I understand and I will make sure to set up arrangements for you somewhere else on the island but please I don't want you to leave the island and I don't want you feel like you need to. My family is enamored with you and my friends seem to adore you. They would never forgive me for you leaving and nether would I." I know I must looked shocked but I figured he would want me to leave not beg me to stay.
"I umm... I don't want know what to say." I respond softly trying to hold back the urge to happy cry. I don't have to leave. "Just say you'll stay." He prods. I can't help it and I let out a cry and I shake my head yes.
"Alright, I'll stay." He smiles at that and I can't help but be mesmerized but the look of him smiling in the moonlight. His hair looks like spun gold and I feel so tarnished next to him. "I'm sorry I reacted poorly. It's just hard sometimes. No matter how hard I try my mind keeps going back to the boat." I respond pitifully.
"Have you had any memories while I have been gone about the time before you woke up on James' ship?"
"Not memories per say. More feelings sometimes. I might wake up after sleeping and have a feeling of what it feels like to have a mother who loves you. Or wake up and feel like I was visiting with an old friend. Nothing I can hold on to though. It's just a feeling or a glimmer than it leaves." It's hard to explain what it is I see and feel. It's not real enough to voice. They always leave me with a migraine but it's worth it to just have that moment, that feeling.
"I have some news for you Bella." He tells me hopefully with a spark in his eyes. I sit up a bit straighter. "Tomorrow I will meet with everyone in the island and discuss some of this but part of the reason we were gone so long was that England and Spain are both hunting down pirates with a new vigor from the Princess getting taken. We spent almost the entire time hiding in plain sight in England posing as merchants. It was just too dangerous for us to leave."
"I am so sorry Jasper. It's partially my fault." I can't keep the sobs from erupting in my chest. I was a part of this mess. I was one of the people responsible for Jasper being hunted. I am so wrapped up in my own pain that I don't notice at first that he is off his chair and kneeling in front of me. He has his hands framing my face and is forcing me to look him in the eyes. "Bella you had nothing to do with this. And I will explain how I know that."
For a few moments I just focus on his eyes and it helps bring me back. He puts one of his hands on my chest and pulls mine to his. "See feel that. Just breath in with me Bella. Just breath with me." I know I have worked myself up and I feel a bit dizzy so I just let Jasper take control and I follow his lead. "There you go. See everything is alright." Once I am no longer sobbing he drops his hand from my chest but keeps mine in his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "I spent a great deal of time in Liverpool while I was there. I went to every brothel and spoke to every prostitute I could find. Not one of them had ever heard of you or had a girl go missing that matched your description. There was never a Bella who was a whore in Liverpool. I even started trying to find someone who just matched your description thinking maybe Bella was just a pet name James had for you. And every time someone seemed to know who I was talking about it was always a girl who was still there. I was there that night with Laurent as well and he said it was a lie. I can tell with you certainty that it was. I even checked all the small villages near by just to be sure and no one has ever heard of you or someone like you that was a prostitute he lied. That wasn't you."
I know my mouth must be gaping open right now. "While I was searching though I did come across a small fishing village north of Liverpool. A little over a year ago they were attacked by James and his men. They took what they could of value and most of their food stores. There is a small inn there and just by luck there was a family staying there that night. It was a father and mother with their daughter. The townspeople did not know their names since they were just passing through but they said the daughter was young and very beautiful. She had long brown hair and big brown eyes. They said that when James took the townsfolk from their beds he saw her and liked her. He took her from her parents and when they tried to stop him they were killed. I may not have a name but that girl matched your description. It seems like it may have been you." He gives me a sad smile and grips my hand tighter.
"I am sorry I was hoping to be able to bring you definitive news and maybe even information on your family but it seems that there is nothing left there for you. " He finishes softly. I can't seem to move. Everything James said to me may have been a lie. "There were no whores that matched my description or had my name?" I ask stupidly.
Jasper shakes his head no. "There weren't. The only ones who did were still there and I actually spoke to them and saw them. He lied Bella. You were just a normal girl taken from her family. The townsfolk said that the girl fought being taken and was knocked unconscious. It wouldn't be surprising to imagine that you could have fought them tooth and nail the entire time. When you came too he must have thought he could subdue you that way. Make you hate yourself. Make you think you deserved it. " I feel overwhelmed. It was all more than likely a lie. "And the princess?"
"You did meet her, but I doubt you ever held her down while she was raped. That's just not you. Look inside Bella do you really think you would be able to do that?" I have searched inside for months almost a year now. I spent almost half a year with James more than likely that I can remember maybe even longer. The more I search the more what he always told me repulsed me and I prayed it was a lie. "Did they find Marcus? Did they rescue her yet?" I ask just hoping that maybe they did.
"No, it's complicated Bella." He starts looking upset. He drops my hand and starts to pace. "Like I said the English and Spanish have been hunting down pirates. I am not sure as to all the details but it seems the English found Marcus' ship a few months ago and just sunk it. They knew they were looking for James from the survivors of the Spanish ship. Apparently the Princess willingly went with James as long as he allowed everyone on her ship to live. He took their sails but did not leave a ghost ship like he normally did. It took them a few weeks to be rescued but they were fine and they told the Spanish royal family how brave she was and how she went with them. In fact she has become a bit of a hero in England. They all love their new queen and want her returned safely. They tell great tales of her bravery and strength. So when the English saw Marcus' ship they just sunk it. Usually they ask for a surrender but they didn't. I know there were women and children on that ship besides the Princess. The time frame was right for him to have just gotten her from James. He was close to Spain and I assume was going to make a trade with them. I am sorry but it looks like she was lost."
I remember the look of terror on her face as Laurent pulled her through the ship. She was screaming and begging for mercy. Her brown eyes were so large and frightened that I worried her heart would give out on the spot. Her long brown hair was messy and her lip was split along with her cheek. She was in a rich silk dress that was ripped at the breast and was frantically trying to cover herself. It breaks my heart that she spent so much of her last days terrified and abused. She never had a savior like I had. She never had Jasper. Even though she would be the one to deserve it. She was a princess and should have been rescued like in the stories. But no the rescue was wasted on me.
"The rescue was not wasted on you Bella." Jasper tells me pulling me from my seat and hugging me. I must have spoken that last part out loud. I shake my head in disagreement but he just holds me closer. "It wasn't wasted Bella. Look around you. Look at how much life and love you have brought the people here. It wasn't wasted."
Jasper can tell me over and over again that it's not wasted but I doubt I will ever truly believe that. "When you took James' ship were there any things of hers left?" I ask into his chest.
"Yes there were. There wasn't a lot and I know that's because the ships that held her dowry were separate. There were trunks of silk dresses, a few pieces of the Spanish crown jewels, a few other trinkets. I took them into my shares and have them stored at the share house. I didn't feel it was right for people to take her things, not after what she went through. Some day if I can do it safely I may even try to return it to her family. They were her private things they should have them. But for now it is too dangerous. There is no way they would believe I had nothing to do with it and they would reign terror down on my people here. But I have them." I should have known he would have done something beautiful like that and made sure her things were safe for her family.
"Thank you Jasper." He pulls me back and looks at me quizzically. "You have worked so hard to get this information for me. To let me know I am not nothing, not worthless. You are a good man Jasper." Before he can respond I wiggle out of his grasp and go to check on the girls. I can feel his eyes following him has I walk to my room. At the door way I turn around and smile at him. "Good night Jasper." I say as I enter the room. I take in the sight of the girls all tangled together. Fiona lets out a cough that wakes her and I pick her up quickly before she can wake the others. I soothe and rock her until she goes back to sleep and put her back in bed with her sisters. By time I go back into the courtyard to sleep Jasper is gone but there is a pillow and blanket on the seat near the waterfall. I can't help but smile as I wrap myself in the blanket and drift off. Tomorrow will be better.
a/n I hope you liked the chapter. let me know what you think.