Pursuit of possibilities

"Nice idea you have there," House said. "All I have to do is to find someone who will help me be happy and all of a sudden I'm the cripple who could! Just one flaw in your thinking: I couldn't even when I wasn't a cripple. Just ask Stacy."

"Frankly, my dear," Nyx stated. "I don't want to ask her anything."

"Ooh, hostility!" House marvelled. "Why? It's not like I made it easy for her to stay. Quite the contrary; I actively drove her away."

"She left you before you became a cripple," Nyx shrugged.

"Pardon me, but I think I know how it went," House argued. "And I know when she left."

"Physically, yes," Nyx agreed. "But in reality she left you when she decided to override your wishes. She may claim that she was only doing what you always do, but she wasn't. She withheld vital information from you. You may lie and cheat and manipulate your patients but only until you know what is wrong with them. Once you know, you will give them the facts, the choices they have and then it is up to them. She didn't give you all the choices."

"She knew I wouldn't choose what she wanted," House stated though not with absolute certainty.

"Did she?" Nyx asked. "She was in many ways right for you. She was intelligent, witty, independent, and as good at what she did as you are at what you do. Or at least near enough. But she had an unexpected romantic streak in her. The streak that figured that she could have an affair – a romantic secret – and not tell her husband. The streak that decided that she would rather live without you in a world that still had you than live in a world that did not have you in it."

"Oh please!" House grimaced. "Are you trying to make me sick!"

"No," Nyx smiled. "But even if she wouldn't want to put it in those words, those were still the terms of her decisions. The Grand Gesture type of romanticism that gets hung up on the 'gesture' and blinds itself to other options. She wanted you to allow the amputation to prove that you loved her. She never talked to you about the lighter option. She decided on her own that she could not talk you into it. We can't know now how successful she would have been but she is a very persuasive lady. However, she still chose not to even try."

"Had she talked about it to me I would have figured out what she was planning," House suggested.

"You weren't exactly at your sharpest then," Nyx pointed out. "And you already trusted her not to have your leg amputated when you were put in the coma. Why would you have assumed she would do anything else either if you clearly stated that you didn't want it done?"

"True," House nodded. "But had she told me about the third option I might have said no and once I had said no she couldn't pretend that I would be ok with her decision once it was done."

"She already knew you were not going to be ok with it," Nyx insisted. "That is why she said she was sorry before you went under."

"Are you trying to tell me that while Stacy was all wrong for me I should still try and find someone else," House asked. "That I shouldn't be cautious? That I shouldn't fear getting it wrong this time too?"

"It is always wise to be cautious," Nyx replied. "But even if it ended badly you had five good years with her and that is more than many have. Don't let it stop you from trying again. She wasn't unique in her ability to deal with you."

"Maybe not," House allowed. "But I'm not sure I want a relationship where the other one has to 'deal' with me. It doesn't sound very equal. On the other hand, I know I'm not willing to change for anyone. Not really. I will always be a jerk; I will always put medical puzzles before any personal relationship I have. I am even more obsessive than most doctors because when the patients come to me, they come to me because only I can help them. That doesn't bode well for a relationship. I am by nature unreliable and my job makes me even more so."

"But what if there is someone who truly doesn't want you to change?" Nyx asked. "What if there is someone who just wants your trust and affection and as much time as you can give? Someone who doesn't need you to fill in any empty places but has a full life already but would not mind some spice in that life?"

"Vindaloo curry," House muttered. "That's what Stacy called it."

"Vindaloo curry is very good," Nyx agreed.

"But not as a steady diet," House pointed out. "It can cause heartburn."

"Only if you're not used to it," Nyx stated. "Stacy was happy with it for five years and if she hadn't made a stupid decision you might be together even now."

"Her stupid decision may have saved my life," House reminded Nyx. "At least that is what she believed when she made it."

"Maybe," Nyx shrugged. "But as that overly-caring student said it wasn't her decision. You knew you might die but you were ok with it."

"She wasn't," House sighed. "And I wasn't willing to listen to her. I wasn't willing to change."

"She had no right to expect you to change," Nyx declared. "She had taken you on as you were. Ok, some compromise is necessary when two people live together, but any change needs to be voluntary and it can only happen within the parameters of your personality, your self. You can't change in ways that are alien to you. And you have to learn that there truly are people who don't want you to change who you are. They may want you to change some of your habits, especially the self-destructive ones, but they don't want you to change."

"Maybe I am my habits," House shrugged.

"Don't try that," Nyx warned. "You know better and I know better. You behave the way you do because you can; half the time you don't even want to you behave the way you do, you just have no reason to change. But you know you can't go on as you have so you need to find a reason. And the reason better be your own reason not something somebody else has decided for you."

"But people are so willing to give me reasons!" House exclaimed. "You mean I can't use any of them?"

"Very funny," Nyx gave him a 'look'. "The people who care about you may indeed want you to change and will try to point out possible reasons for you to change. They may be misguided but they don't want you to change for them; they want you to change for you."

"People?" House scorned. "More than one?"

"Yes, more than one," Nyx asserted. "When you get out of here you will find out that more people than you were willing to see do care about you and do want what is best for you. And that is one of the things you need to learn to accept. Sometimes when people seem to care, they actually do – without any other agenda."

"You have a very optimistic view of 'people' for someone your age," House muttered.

"Someone my age has been around long enough to see the worst and the best of humanity," Nyx sighed. "I'm not an optimist nor am I a pessimist. I just see."

"And you 'see' people caring about me?" House didn't sound very convinced.

"There are none so blind as those who don't want to see," Nyx smiled. "Open your eyes, Gregory, and watch. You will be surprised."