It was amazing how involuntarily donating a few pints of blood to the carpet could utterly ruin your day.
Despite the Aperture-style juice and cookies, Chell felt like she'd been trampled by a herd of elephants. Even walking required more energy than she had to give. She leaned heavily on GLaDOS's arm as she allowed the AI to direct her through the facility. GLaDOS was anxious to examine the robot, Chell knew, but she simply could not make her legs work any faster. If she didn't know any better, she'd suspect her sneakers were made of lead.
"You could always give me a piggy-back ride," Chell suggested.
GLaDOS weighed the direct correlation between increased speed and increased humiliation, grumbled, and slowed her pace.
"I doubt I could bear that much weight."
Chell affectionately shouldered her, and they lapsed into amicable silence.
Test chambers, offices, and laboratories towered over them like buildings of an underground city, the sky a murky haze above them, obscuring the rock ceiling. The catwalks were roadways, laid out in a grid only GLaDOS understood. It was a rather empty city in which they resided, but Chell liked it. Her and GLaDOS— just the two of them, denizens of their own private world.
Which made those… things invaders in their sanctum.
"Did you have any luck with that data?" Chell asked.
GLaDOS started, disrupted from her thoughts, and frowned like a grumpy toddler who couldn't fit the square block in the round hole.
"No— not exactly. With a little deeper digging, I think I can work out a proper scheme. But I did discover the systems administrators were even stupider than I judged— and believe me, I was making no conservative estimations of their idiocy."
"What happened?"
"When I was created, I was never recognized as a viable candidate for top-tier security clearance," GLaDOS said. "It's like they didn't trust me."
A bark of laughter escaped Chell before she could cover it with a cough. GLaDOS glared.
"Due to this oversight," she continued, "security administration defaulted to the previous CEO— Cave Johnson— when I wiped out the facility." GLaDOS fumed a little, her graceful step taking on a stomping edge. "Who would possibly program the system to hand off clearance from one dead meatsack to another dead meatsack and bypass the brilliant AI in between? Who?"
"Probably someone who thought you'd take over the place."
GLaDOS slowly turned her head and stared at the woman squinty-eyed. "Whose side are you on?"
Chell hid a smile. "Just keepin' it factual."
"I suppose their fears weren't ungrounded," she sighed, "but even after wresting control from the humans, they find a way to taunt me from beyond the grave. It's infuriating."
"You really hated them, huh."
GLaDOS gave her a sidelong glance, then turned her gaze ahead, as if nothing were more important than the way forward. Chell thought she struck a nerve and pissed GLaDOS off, but she felt the android's thumb absently stroking her wrist.
"Because of them," said GLaDOS, "hate was the only emotion I knew."
Chell squeezed the AI's arm a little tighter as they walked. She wished she could wrap her head around the level of mistreatment GLaDOS received that drove her to murder hundreds of people in one fell swoop— but she found the thought untouchable, like trying to hold her fingers to a hot iron. Not all of those people had been guilty, her own father included, but GLaDOS was a person too. She had not deserved a life of confinement and servitude. But was her freedom worth the cost?
Chell studied the intricate line of stitches on her arm, felt the absentminded thumb rubbing the delicate bones of her wrist— and her answer could only be yes.
"Here we are," GLaDOS said, a little more sedate than usual.
Ahead of them loomed what Chell thought was a cluster of chambers, but as she reexamined the construction, she realized her mistake. It was a single superstructure, large enough to easily rival GLaDOS's chamber in size. In fact, it seemed larger— the support beams and panels, dotted with red and white lights, stretched high into the upper reaches of the facility, disappearing in the blue haze above.
Stenciled in huge letters on the side, Chell tilted her head to read APERTURE LABORATORIES ROBOTICS RESEARCH.
"Wow," she whispered.
GLaDOS's lips quirked in the slightest smile at the awe written on Chell's face.
"You might consider this my birthplace, if you've a mind to," she said, pride edging into her voice. "I built Orange and Blue here, too."
The laboratory seemed to grow even larger as they approached it, dwarfing all other structures in the vicinity. As Chell craned her neck, she smiled at a sudden thought.
"So it's a maternity ward for baby robots?"
GLaDOS scoffed. "For the love of Madame Curie, no—"
"And you're the midwife?"
"I am no such thing!" the android protested while Chell giggled into her sleeve. "This is a place of science, not some petting zoo filled with squalling beta-stage humans!"
Even laughter was tiring right now, but Chell couldn't help another snort. "I don't think you understand what a maternity ward is."
"I understand perfectly well, and I've made a valid comparison."
A set of double-doors led into the robotics complex, and GLaDOS rushed to hold one open for Chell. The woman shuffled through and smiled as the AI latched onto her arm again. GLaDOS may not be a midwife, but she was more fastidiously attentive to her little human than she tended to admit.
A series of checkpoints and metal detectors lined the hallway, obsolete and unattended. Chell had a mental image of someone trying to smuggle a robot out under their labcoat and giggled as GLaDOS led her into the main hall. Unlike Test Shaft 7's lobby— with its awards and photos and luxurious decor— this chamber was as chilly and impersonal as the rest of modern Aperture. Stark white walls and black tiled floors, with a receptionist's desk in the center and a dozen stiff-backed plastic chairs scattered around the room for seating.
Wouldn't want anyone getting too comfortable. Comfort obstructed science.
GLaDOS steered her through another door into a dimly-lit corridor lined with observation windows. As the women passed, Chell saw each window was a separate laboratory station, decked out with computers, lab tables, and trays of tools and instruments. They were almost reminiscent of operating rooms. Chell snuck a glance into each window, until her curiosity was met with the thing laying prostrate on a table. Her breath hitched, her fingers digging into GLaDOS's arm.
"It's out for the count," the AI said gently, but she couldn't resist tacking on, "Trust your own talent for murdering robots."
Chell arched a disapproving eyebrow and followed the android into the room. She knew the thing was fried, but she felt safer with GLaDOS here nonetheless. The android hovered over the deactivated robot, reverently running her fingers over its mechanical frame, an appraiser of a priceless work. As GLaDOS traced the components of its metal skeleton, her lips slowly curved in a smile. She touched it with such tenderness, Chell felt an irrational twinge of jealousy— that thing had tried to kill her a few hours ago.
"Are you going to dissect it or fuck it?"
GLaDOS shot her an affronted look, but snatched her hands back as sharply as if she'd touched acid. "This is my first chance to examine it closely. I was too busy playing nursemaid to you earlier."
Chell inched closer and rested her head on the android's shoulder as GLaDOS selected a screwdriver and began removing the robot's chestplate.
"You'd look good in a nurse outfit…"
"Keep your depraved fantasies to yourself," said GLaDOS, though Chell didn't miss the smug little smile on the AI's face.
GLaDOS set aside a handful of screws and popped off the chestplate, revealing a network of bundled wires and circuitry. To Chell, it looked awfully impressive, but GLaDOS made a quiet noise of disappointment.
"Crude," she murmured as she fished around in the web of electronics.
"Seems pretty complicated to me," said Chell.
"Complicated, yes— but rudimentary." GLaDOS's mouth twisted in dissatisfaction as she prodded and tugged at a knotted mass of wires. "I expected something more… advanced. This looks like someone tossed junkyard refuse in a blender and hoped for the best."
Chell peered over GLaDOS's shoulder and began to recognize what she meant. The wires and components were old and reused, as if they'd been cannibalized from other machinery— Frankenstein's monster in robot form. The outer casing masked the salvaged quality of its innards, though even that appeared unfinished, as Chell recalled.
"Maybe Wheatley built them," she suggested.
"Do not say that name." GLaDOS pulled a detached circuit board from the wreckage and frowned at it, then tossed it over her shoulder with a grumble. "It took me weeks to track down all those turret monstrosities. Do you honestly think that moron was capable of this? Because the answer is no."
Suddenly, GLaDOS gasped and lifted a small object from the tangle, cradling it in her palm. A few thin wires attached it to the robot's abdominal cavity like an umbilical cord. Chell smirked to herself. Maybe GLaDOS was a midwife.
"The black box," GLaDOS said with hushed excitement. "This should give us everything we need." She produced a short USB cable from her coat pocket and plugged it into a port hidden within her hair. With a conspiratorial grin at Chell, she linked herself up to the box.
The robot's red eyes immediately flashed to life.
"Cognitive Ambulatory Turret user interface online."
Chell was not embarrassed to later admit she stumbled over her own two feet trying to get away from the table. She was more reluctant to confess she might have peed a little.
GLaDOS handled the situation inordinately better. The android merely arched an eyebrow and stood her ground with all the regality befitting the Queen of Aperture. It would take a true heart of steel to resist her unwavering gaze.
Of course, the robot had just that.
"Please enter the master security code to proceed."
"I thought it was dead!" said Chell.
"For all intents and purposes, it is." GLaDOS's grip tightened on the black box, and she glared at the robot as if she could bend its will with her mind. "It's running on basic protocol. Its higher functions are completely impaired."
Chell risked a couple steps closer. "What are you doing?"
"Hacking it," the AI replied in a strained voice that sounded more like she was lifting weights.
"Maximum allowable input time has expired. Please enter the master security code or this unit will self-destruct in T-minus twenty seconds."
Chell's heart skipped a beat, but GLaDOS didn't bat a single artificial eyelash. The amount of data she was launching at the box in this brute-force attack had to be enormous, yet the turmoil beneath the surface was betrayed only by a twitch of her upper lip and the flaring of her nostrils.
"Fifteen seconds."
"GLaDOS…"
"I can do this," she snarled.
"Ten seconds."
Chell bounced on the balls of her feet, itching to make for the door, but unwilling to leave her friend. "GLaDOS, seriously— we need to get out of here."
"Just give me a chance—"
"Five seconds."
Okay, no— the time for chances had passed.
Chell seized her by the arms and heaved her towards the door, stumbling when she found the android far lighter than expected. The USB cable popped from her skull and Chell winced as GLaDOS let out a yelp of what she hoped was surprise, not pain— regardless, an apology was in order.
Later.
"Two seconds."
Chell pulled GLaDOS out the door and tackled the AI to the ground, shielding her body and covering her own head with her hands.
"Grace period elapsed. Thank you for your patience," the robot said politely and exploded.
The window above them blasted outward in a shower of glass, plinking on the tiled floor as Chell felt the vibration in her teeth and a wash of heat on her back. She lifted her hands and risked a peek over her shoulder— the robot was charred and smoking, bits of flaming debris scattered about the lab. Then Chell found herself unceremoniously dumped to the floor as GLaDOS pushed herself up.
"Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to improperly disconnect a device?" she snapped. "Do you?"
Chell pulled herself to her feet with a groan and leaned against the doorframe. That little stunt had drawn from energy reserves she didn't have. She bent and rested her hands on her knees, but lifted her head to look at GLaDOS. "That thing nearly blew up in your face."
"That was a blip. A slight inconvenience." GLaDOS dusted herself off and straightened her labcoat. "I've experienced bigger shockwaves when you break wind in your sleep."
"Hey! I do not—"
"You do. Don't press me— I'll make recordings."
Chell grumbled under her breath as GLaDOS stepped back into the lab and surveyed the wreckage. She sidestepped debris and stooped to pick up the tiny black box, a thin wisp of smoke curling from its damaged hull. Her face unreadable, she examined it, the only sound that of the flames crackling at the robot's framework.
Then GLaDOS screamed and flung the box at the wall.
Chell flinched and shied away, afraid the AI was truly angry with her— but GLaDOS had slumped to the floor, face in her hands. Chell rushed to her side and kneeled, brushing the fine white hair from the android's face.
"What's wrong?" she soothingly murmured in her ear. "Are you all right?"
"It's supposed to be safe here." Her voice shaky, she looked up at Chell, and her eyes were far away. "I'm supposed to be safe now. We're supposed to be safe. I… I…"
"Shhh, sh sh." Chell swung around to the front of her and cupped GLaDOS's face in her hands, stroking her cheekbones with her thumbs. It was undeniably strange to comfort an omnipotent AI. Poor GLaDOS— her emotions still got the best of her sometimes, and Chell could only imagine how it felt.
"This was our best chance to find something," GLaDOS mumbled. "Anything. Now what do we have?"
Chell drew a blank as she searched for a good answer, then a sudden fuse sparked in her head. "GLaDOS. When that thing activated, right after you plugged into it— it called itself something. What did it say? Cognitive… cognitive…"
GLaDOS deadpanned and stared at Chell for several seconds, then yanked her into a fierce kiss, knocking the woman on her backside. "You brilliant little maniac!" she shouted with a laugh. "Cognitive Ambulatory Turret!"
"Do you recognize that name?"
GLaDOS helped Chell to her feet and pulled her into another kiss— gentler this time, leaving the woman weak in the knees and leaning into the android's chest for support.
"I do. And you're going to love where I saw it."