J is for Jess
Rating: K+
Genre: Romance/Reflection
Characters: Captain Becker
Timeline: S4, Pre-episode 1
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Why was it that people who had been away from work for a while would come back and say "It's as if I'd never been away"?
It was definitely as if he'd been away.
In fact it was almost as if he'd never been there in the first place.
Of course, in a way, he hadn't: the entire building was new to him, most of the staff had been replaced. All except Lester of course. Government hatchet-men qualified and experienced in covering up, returning and, on occasion, dealing one on one with creatures from the Earth's dimly known past and even less well known future were, unsurprisingly, thin on the ground. And where Lester went, he went.
Apparently.
He drew a hand down over his face, stifling a yawn. How long had it been since he last slept? And would the nightmares that plagued him on those rare occasions when sheer exhaustion overcame him grow worse or better now that he was back? And would he be hit by that whirlwind every time he walked through that door? That lime green whirlwind.
What was her name again?
Parker.
Jessica Parker.
Jess.
Barely half an hour in the door and she'd got one past him already; he really had been losing sleep. She'd made him smile though.
How long had it been since he'd smiled like that?
How long had it been since he'd smiled at all?
Not since before...
Well. Not since before.
He closed his eyes, banishing the images that flew in to fill the darkness as he did so. The darkness. His darkness. Shadows of lives he was supposed to protect. Lives he had failed to protect. Ghosts that haunted his dreams so much that he faced day after day of wakeful fatigue until he could avoid them no longer. He lived in that darkness now, the scar of it upon his very soul, tearing through him like so many bullets. Everything around him was darkness. Everything rested in shadow.
Everything except her.
She was a light in the darkness. A lone star, shining in the blackest night. Somehow she cut through it all. Through the pain. Through the grief. Through the memories.
How long would it be before the darkness swallowed her too?
He knew he was being irrational. He knew the chances of any ARC-based personnel coming into contact with creatures were remote. Especially with the new security measures in place. Rationalisation couldn't banish the thought though. It lingered at the edge of his mind, taunting him. How often had the supposed security of the ARC been breached before? What was there to stop an anomaly opening up right there in the control room? Or some creature, past, present or future, appearing and stealing her away. Putting out that light.
That bright, shining, guiding light.
More than anything, he wanted to protect her. To keep her safe, untouched by the danger and the darkness: a beacon to stop him from drowning in the sea of his own grief, his own guilt. What could she know of the dangers they were about to face? Who in this world could possibly be prepared for the violence and bloodshed and terror wreaked by creatures utterly alien to the present day? Even with all his experience, he wasn't sure he was prepared. How could a young, innocent, bright girl be? She was his antithesis - the opposite of everything he had become. Where he was reserved, she was exuberant. Where he was suspicious, she was trusting. To his grief, she brought joy. To his despair, she brought hope. To his pain, peace and to his darkness, light.
God help him if he ever let anything dim that light.
And the devil take anything that tried.