Christian and Ana belong to E.L. James, but the train ride is ours.

Translated by thenewEmily

Chaper 9: Jealousy

I can't stop looking at my hands while Christian is staring at wall. There's so much anger in his eyes, so much pain… I wish I could hug him, tell him that I love him, that I've never forgotten him; that everything it's going to be fine, but deep down I know that's not true. Time hasn't spent in vain and that nothing will be as it used to, I know. I'm still looking at my hand when the house's phone rings. I answer from the consult without thinking.

"Hi mommy, did I wake you?" Shit, it's Teddy, calm down Ana, relax; they can't see you through the phone.

"No sweetheart, mommy's been wake for a while now. How are you? How is your vacation going?"

"Awesome mom, grandpa took me with him everywhere, we've been in really pretty places and ate a lot of pizza"

"Teddy you know too much junk food it's not god for you…"

"Yes mom I know… I promised I've eaten vegetables too"

"OK sweet heart, please take care, ok? I love you!"

"I love you too mommy. Grandpa wants to speak to you" I feel my dad's tired steps coming closer and I smile thinking of the workout Teddy is giving him.

"Hi honey, what happened at the hospital?"

"I can't believe it, who told you about it? God…"

"Jack"

"He's like a gossipy old lady. Nothing happened, it's just a precautionary quarantine caused by a very aggressive virus, that's all. I'm fine"

"I'm glad Ana, but please let me know if you need something" I smile again; he's always been very protective of me.

"Hahaha, I'm pretty sure you will be able to do something from across the country"

"Well, I have my ways, hahaha, take care honey, ok? I love you very much"

"I love you too, kisses for both".

When I hang up, Christian is sitting in the gurney and looking seriously at me.

"You have a son"

"Is that a question or an affirmation?" I say trying to avoid the answer

"Answer me" he says coldly

"Yes, I have a son", he nods and looks at me, at the consult and then says:

"I have to go now. I'm an obstacle in your life". I take a deep breath so I don't jump straight into his arms and kiss him, recalling our best moments together. Instead, I answer his seriousness with gravity.

"Listen to me Christian Grey, and listen well because I'll only say this once. It was me who followed you that morning in the train, yes, and then I followed you to your work. It was me the one who hide under a newspaper and saw Mrs. Grace giving you breakfast. It was me who went to that bar you work in, and took more beer than necessary, waiting for you. It was me who passed out at the bar and had to be helped by Elliot, who took me to his office and showed me your picture, and drove me to your place. It was me who found you at your apartment and saw you on the floor, unconscious and covered in blood," my eyes are drowning in tears but I keep going, "it was me who convinced Elliot to bring you here, to my house, because this place it's my home and my refuge and only the ones I want can be here. So if you are here, it's because I want to. Now I'll tell you what we'll do. Elliot is coming back from shopping and I'll go to the kitchen to make breakfast for all of us, and then we'll talk like really good old friends Grey… just like old friends."

I did it! I spoke more than five words without stuttering; I looked him in the eyes and didn't surrender to them. I'm so proud of myself. Without another thought I give him my hand to reach and follow me, he does it without a doubt, but then let's go of me and watches me.

"There's nothing I would like more than having breakfast with you Dr. Steele, but I'm afraid I'm not dressed for the occasion".

Fuck my speech, the man is almost naked and I'm inviting him for breakfast. I blush so much I feel my face it's going to explode, god, I'm so embarrassed and he keeps talking.

"Is there something I can borrow from your husband?"

I'm a little shock, when did he think I have a husband?

"I don't have a husband Mr. Grey, but I think I can find something that'll fit you."

Did I tell him I'm not married? Oh, Ana, you are so lost! Flirting with the man that shattered your life. You should've made him believe you have a husband, a son, a house, a dog… I leave him alone in the consult and go to find some clothes, probably Jack has left something here. I open and close drawers but there's only mine and Teddy's clothes. I go to the guest room for something and at the last drawer there's a pajama pant and t-shirt from my dad. It's the only thing I have and it's clearly no his size.

When I'm back I see Elliot at the door, I let him in and tell him to leave everything in the kitchen, that I'll be there in a couple of minutes.

I take the clothes to Christian.

"Come here, I'll help you get dress"

"No, thank you, I can do it by myself"

"Come on, don't be stubborn, you can't do it alone with that wound"

"I said I'll do it alone"

I don't listen to him and pull the t-shirt trough his head, but when I'm going to touch him, he screams.

"Don't touch me! Fuck, I can do it alone!"

I'm stock still, looking at him and feel the tears coming. What is wrong with him?

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to help"

He stays quiet for a while and answers me when his calmer, "no, please forgive me, it's just… I don't like when people touches me"

"You weren't like this before"

"A lot has changed since you left Ana"

"I know."

But the truth is I don't know; I know nothing. This man in front of me is using the body of the man that was my great love, but it's not him. In his eyes I only see hopelessness, anger, sadness. I don't want to think that this is all my fault, I was never that important to him.

"I'm ready, I look silly, but ready"

I look at him and smile sadly, this isn't my love, and yes, he does look silly in my father's clothes. We walk carefully to the kitchen, while he's mocking me.

"A little bit short your husband… and kind of chubby for his height"

"I told you I don't have a husband"

When we get to the kitchen Elliot throws his head back in laughter, "where did you get that from? I'm sure the dead guy was smaller"

His laugh his contagious. Elliot is a good man and also a great cook, he made us a big breakfast with eggs, bread, cheese, waffles and french toast.

"Ana, I didn't know what you would like so I made a little bit of everything. I hope its fine. I also add some men's food to your grocery list, like bacon, peanut butter and meat"

"Its fine Elliot, my son would be happy with that men's food, not that healthy but delicious."

Christian eats quietly and just looks at us.

"Hey bro, when we are done I'll go by the store to pick some clothes of your size and then I'll go to the bar. In the evening I'll go by your place and bring you some of your stuff." He gives him a bag, "there you'll find all you need to feel like a decent man again."

This guy thought of everything, there's a tooth brush, a razor and deodorant.

"Everything is courtesy of Dr. Steele"

"I'll pay you as soon as I get my stuff", he says

"You don't have too"

"Yes I do"

Here we go again, another stupid fight for what, who pays ten dollars? There's no point with it.

"If it means so much to you, then fine."

Finally he's quiet. I smile. One for Steele. Elliot stands to help me and Christian follows, but I stop him.

"No, no, no Mr. Grey. You're not in condition to help right now. Please stay still and I'll be with you in a minute."

He doesn't complain. He must be in pain.

Once we are finish, Elliot leaves to the store and we are alone. I know he is in pain, but he won't say anything, he's too proud and it's capable of suffer in silence. We go to the consult and I seat in front of him with the instruments.

"Mr. Grey I need to check your wound, take your vitals and give you some ibuprofen for the pain. I'll try to touch the least possible."

He nods and I begin by uncovering his abdomen, his body is perfect and now that I know I can't touch him, I'll give anything to kiss one by one the planes of his chest. It's kind of hot in here, behave Ana. All my whishes disappear when I look up and see his face contorted in pain.

"Does it hurt?"

"No doctor, just don't touch me, please"

"I told you, the least possible", I put the bandage again, ask for his vitals and give him something for the pain. "We are done Mr. Grey."

He opens his beautiful eyes and I see how they go from fear to relief just by seeing my hands away from him.

"Thank you doctor"

"Let's cut the crap please. It's Ana, ok?"

"You were the one who set the boundaries"

"I know, but… just Ana?"

"Just Christian?"

I smile at him and he gives me a smile back.

"I would kill for that smile", he says and grabs my hand. I don't take it back. Instead I drop my eyes and don't answer. It's just pretty words Ana, he didn't want to change his life for you, he won't kill for your smile. Don't let yourself get trapped. I see Jack's face telling me once and again about the condition he found Christian when I asked him to go find him. The doorbell rings and for a minute I think it's Jack, I'm screwed. But I remember Elliot had to come back from the store and go to the door. It's him. He gives me a bag with some clothes and leaves; he'll be back in the evening before opening the bar.

I'm back and give the bag to Christian. I know he won't allow me to help him, so maybe it's best if I leave the room. But he stops me with an odd question.

"Do you like him?"

"What?"

"Do you like Elliot?"

"Are you serious?" Who the hell does he think he is, asking me something like that?

"Please, answer me"

"But if I've barely seen him once…"

"Do you like him or not?" his voice doesn't sound upset, it sounds… jealous?

"No, he's like your brother, I couldn't…"

"But if he wasn't?"

"What is going on? I don't like him; I don't have time for that"

He stands up with effort and walks to me, "are you sure you don't like him?"

"What's wrong with you? Are you jealous?"

"Yes. Very jealous."

He's so close to me, and his eyes are dark and fixed in mine. My breath is agitated and my heart beats faster. Ana, stay away. But my feet won't move, it's just like my dream.

"I don't like the way you look at each other"

"You are delusional" I say in a whisper and gulp.

"I hope so."

He comes even closer, grabs my hands and holds them over my head. He pushes me against the wall and kisses me. I can't resist. I've waited nine years for this, nine long years. We kiss like there's no tomorrow, his body holds me trapped to the wall and I feel his erection on my belly. I want him so much right now; I want him inside me, and to make me remember what we used to do together, and my crotch definitely agrees with me; because when Christian drops one hand and touches me, I'm completely wet.

Oh god, I have to stop this, I try to push him back but I can, Christian is stronger than me. His fingers remember the way and thrust inside me, and I can't help to enjoy every movement. I'm barely breathing and sweating when his fingers take me to the best orgasm I've had in the last years.

"It's ok Ana, come for me baby, I want to hear you"

But Christian doesn't stop, he wants more and I can feel it building again, another orgasm and just with his fingers. Suddenly he makes a sharp move with his fingers and screams in pain. That's when I remember where we are and why is he here.

"Stop" I order him, and Christian looks at me surprised.

"But I thought…"

"Don't think anything, this isn't right"

"Ana, we are grownups, this is just sex and…"

"It's not that. Your wound won't heal if you don't rest…"

"Come on, don't do this to me, I want you so much…"

"I want you too, but we have to wait a few days"

He sulks a bit, but nods, "I need a shower… a cold one"

"I'll show you the bathroom". I lead him; give him a set of towels and quick kiss on the lips.

"I'll be out here if you need something" and close the door.

Oh my god, what have I done. Christian Grey is back in my life.