A/N: As usual, thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome. Also, I wasn't expecting such a strong response to The Shadow so thanks for that too! Enjoy the update! :)

Disclaimer: Same as usual.

Hello again, it's you and me

Kinda always like it used to be

If you don't know if you should stay

If you don't say what's on your mind

Baby just breathe

There's nowhere else tonight we should be

- (You Want To) Make A Memory by Bon Jovi

June 15th, 2016

After spending the day with Jackson and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, April had decided to stay at Peter's apartment for the night. She had desperately needed a reality check. They had made love again, but April hadn't been as into it as she should have been. She should have…given him more, or been more responsive, or something…but the cogs in April's brain hadn't stopped churning for a second, and now she couldn't sleep.

She was so confused, and as a result, she could feel her stress levels rising. She was a bundle of anxious energy.

She turned her head and observed Peter's peaceful face. He was fast asleep, lying on his stomach, and his hair was a mess. She smiled as she gently pushed his unruly fringe out of his eyes. He looked so young and sweet when he was asleep. Well, he looked that way when he was awake too. He was cute, sweet, smart, and so understanding and generous.

She loved him, of that she was certain; she just wished that her feelings for him were more intense, more all-consuming. She wished that she thought of him and longed for him every second that they were apart. But she didn't. She only felt that way about one person. Only one person drove her crazy in all of the best possible ways.

She carefully slipped out of bed and redressed as quietly as she could. She tiptoed down the stairs and grabbed her jacket and purse.

She was technically on vacation but since sleep was evading her, she decided to go to the hospital. Work would calm her nerves. Right now surgery was the only thing that she was absolutely sure about.

She changed into her scrubs before she headed to her office. She picked up the phone and called the only person that she knew that would be up at this late hour and willing to join her in her hunt for surgeries.

"Hey Cristina, its April, I'm at Columbia."

"You should have seen his face," April began as her and Cristina operated on a patient they had stolen from a fourth year resident. No resident was brave enough to argue with a department head who was getting married in two days.

Their patient was a gunshot victim. The bullet had entered the chest and ricocheted into the diaphragm. His injuries weren't that severe and they were easily being handled by two surgeons of their caliber.

"It was awful," the red-head added after a moment. She was trying to explain to her unlikely friend how much it had hurt her when Jackson had said that he knew that she didn't love him anymore. Her body had had a reaction to his words; she had felt an unsettling feeling in her stomach and her throat had constricted.

"Was it like you killed your dog?" The other woman questioned as she finished placing a graft.

April nodded as she exhaled heavily. "Yeah, pretty much, possibly worse."

"Then why didn't you just say he was wrong? Why didn't you tell him that you're still in love with him?" Cristina asked bluntly. "It's obvious that you are."

April turned her head and looked at her intern and scrub nurses in panic. They all knew that she was engaged to Peter Wakely, and they were aware that she and the cardio God from out of town were not currently discussing Columbia's beloved peds attending.

"Cristina," she whispered.

"Sorry," Cristina muttered. She was used to talking about incredibly inappropriate things in ORs.

The two women were silent until Cristina spoke after removing her hands from their victim's chest.

"I'm done here," she declared. "You?"

"I almost have all of the bleeding under control," April responded.

Minutes later they closed and then left the OR to scrub out. Cristina waited until they were in the privacy of April's office before she addressed the situation at hand. She collapsed on the sofa before fixing April with a stern glare.

"So, he loves you, you love him, he wants to get married now. Nothing is standing in your way anymore."

April sighed as she sat on the edge of her desk and pulled the elastic out of her hair. She ran her hands through her wavy hair as she took a minute to think. Cristina made it sound simple and easy, like one plus one equals two. Her situation was probably more accurately represented by an irrational number.

"I have Peter," she finally breathed.

Cristina nodded in understanding. She got it; she didn't want to hurt the other guy. She loved him, and one of April's greatest strengths and weaknesses had always been that she felt too much, she cared too deeply. But due to that very same character trait, her feelings for Jackson were never going to go away. In ten years from now she was going to love him just as much, if not more, than she did now. She needed to pick him now so that she wouldn't be miserable for the rest of her life, and Peter Wakely seemed like a nice enough guy to understand that.

"He'll understand," Cristina implored.

April shook her head. "No, he won't." She laughed without humour. "He hates Jackson so he definitely will not understand."

The cardio surgeon smiled wryly. "But he loves you," she countered. "And he's not going to want to marry you if he knows you're not going to be happy with him."

"But I will be happy with him, it just won't be…" She fell silent and looked down at her shoes.

A life with Peter would be lovely and comfortable, but a life with Jackson would be full of passion and adventure.

"It would be different," she finally finished quietly.

Cristina was trying her best to be the voice of reason but she could tell by the look on April's face that she was still very conflicted. April had never been very good at handling broken promises either. The guilt that came along with them ate away at her and maybe that was the real underlying issue in this whole mess. She had promised Peter things and because of that she couldn't bring herself to end it.

"So what are you guys doing exactly?" Jackson asked nosily as he zipped up the back of Lauren's dress.

"Top secret lady business," she chirped.

Jackson chuckled and rolled his eyes. She was getting ready for April's bachelorette party and she refused to tell him anything. He already knew that it would be a small crowd, probably just her, April's sisters, and a few coworkers, old and new. He just wanted to know what they were doing. He had managed to get invited to Wakely's bachelor party and he had already told her that they were going to a Yankees' game and then probably a bar or two, maybe a strip club. He couldn't see it being that wild of a night. Wakely seemed like an upright boy scout.

"Tell me!" He pestered relentlessly as he poked her side.

Lauren laughed as she slipped out of the bathroom and away from him. The truth was that they were doing dinner and dancing, but it was so amusing to tease him. "Mind your own business, Avery!"

Jackson caught her around the waist and tossed her on the bed. He carefully jumped on top of her and pinned her to the mattress. She kicked underneath him but her strength was no match for his. Jackson smiled sadly as a thought struck him. "Everything would be so much easier if you were straight. We'd be an awesome couple."

"You cheer for the Celtics and I'm a Lakers fan, we'd be a disaster," she joked. "Besides," she began as she pushed him onto the other side of the bed and sat up. "Even if I was straight, you'd still be in love with a certain adorable red-head."

He stared up at the ceiling as he muttered, "Yeah, probably."

"No probably about it," she remarked as she gently smacked his chest. "Now, you should get dressed. You have to meet Mark soon so you guys can head to the game together."

"Would it be too much of a jerk move to wear my Red Sox jersey?"

"Yes," Lauren laughed boisterously. "Just wear a nice shirt and a pair of jeans like a normal person. And try to have a good time!" She added before he ducked into the bathroom. "Don't sulk!"

"I'm not going to sulk," he argued. "I'll have fun! I promise."

So he wasn't exactly having fun, but he wasn't miserable either. The baseball game had been great, the Yankees had lost, which he had been secretly overjoyed about, he had a good buzz going, and he had people to talk to. Mark, Karev, Shepherd, and Hunt were all also in attendance. He had a feeling that April had exercised some control over the guest list because besides them it was only the groomsmen and a few surgeons from Columbia.

At the insistence of the best man, they were at a strip club, sitting around a table near the main stage, but Wakely seemed very uncomfortable in his new setting.

"He's a bit of a goody goody, isn't he?" Mark commented as they watched the groom awkwardly tip his scantily clad waitress. Jackson nodded and so he added, "That must be why Kepner's attracted to him."

"It could be for the money," Karev quipped after taking a swig from his beer.

Jackson turned to him with a glare. "She's not marrying him for his money." He took a sip from his glass of scotch and smiled when Jonathon Morrow took a seat beside him. "How's it going?" He inquired friendlily.

"Good," the New York plastic surgeon grinned widely. He was obviously a little drunk. "Have you thought anymore about that job offer?"

Jackson opened his mouth to reply but his former mentor cut him off. "Avery, you got offered a job at Columbia and didn't tell me?"

He chuckled, "Don't sound so offended. I haven't made a decision yet."

"It's Columbia!" Mark exclaimed excitedly as he held his hands out in front of him.

Jackson rolled his eyes as he finished his drink. He knew that Mark was a little biased because he had attended Columbia for med school and he had also worked there before moving to Seattle. But Jackson also knew that plastic surgeons didn't turn down job offers from Columbia. It was the holy grail of plastic surgery.

Peter Wakely must have caught a tidbit of their conversation because his head turned towards them in interest. "You got offered a job at Columbia?"

Jackson nodded. "Yeah, I did." He had spoken to the Head of Plastics, Dr. Terry Martin, and the Chief of Surgery, Dr. Michael Chang, over the phone and he had been offered a position on the spot with great benefits and a cushy salary. They had said that his work spoke for itself, and a glowing recommendation from Mark Sloan hadn't hurt either.

Peter swallowed nervously. While he had grown more comfortable with Jackson Avery and his relationship with April, he wasn't sure how he felt about the guy working in the same hospital as them. "That's cool," he stated unenthusiastically. "And you don't know if you're taking it?" He probed.

"I'm still weighing my options," Jackson answered carefully. He hadn't even told April about his job offer yet and he really loved living in New Orleans and working at Tulane. He had no idea what he was going to do but luckily he had time to think about it.

And really everything depended on April.

They ordered another round of drinks before someone suggested that they grab something to eat. The response was an overwhelming yes, so they headed down the street to a pub. They pushed three tables together in the back and sat down. Their waitress, a petite brunette with a pixie haircut, approached their group and instantly locked eyes with Peter Wakely.

"Peter?" She questioned with a small, disbelieving smile.

"Yeah, Mandy, hi, how are you?" He spoke both excitedly and nervously. It was clear that he was very flustered.

"I'm great! I just moved back here a few months ago. It's so great to see you!"

Most of the men watched the exchange in utter confusion. Eventually, Jackson leaned into Robert and asked, "Who's that?"

"Mandy Lyson," the best man replied. "They were high school sweethearts. She took his v-card," he laughed. "They dated for four years."

Karev whistled, "Long time."

Jackson leaned forward in interest and carefully observed the interacting exes. This plot twist was certainly promising. "Why did they breakup?" He delved.

"Pete's parents didn't approve," Robert frowned. "They gave him an ultimatum, either he dumped her or they weren't going to pay for him to go to med school. He was pretty broken up about it."

Jackson was about to ask a million more questions but he was distracted by the chime of his phone. He pulled the device out of his pocket and stared at it in confusion because it showed that he had a new text message from Yang. He opened it anyway, and was glad that he did.

At Kepner's apartment. Get here now.

"Hey guys, I gotta go," he announced. His friends sent him questioning glances but he left without any further explanation. He looked over his shoulder before leaving the pub and saw that Wakely was still talking to his former girlfriend.

Jackson rang April's doorbell repeatedly and sighed in relief when the door was finally opened by Lauren.

"What's going on?" He asked frantically.

Lauren simply pointed behind her. "Go upstairs."

He did as he was told without hesitation and ran up the staircase and towards April's bedroom. Yang, Meredith, and Lexie were all standing in the room and turned to him once he entered.

"What's going on?" He asked again.

"April is in the bathroom. We brought her home and were about to leave, but then she started crying," Lexie explained.

"Like hysterical Kepner tears," Meredith added. "She won't calm down enough to tell us what's wrong but she asked us to call you."

Jackson removed his coat and carelessly tossed it aside as he asked, "How much did she have to drink?"

Cristina scoffed, "Enough to cause this apparently."

Typically April was a carefree, energetic drunk. She was usually more likely to dance on a tabletop than break down into tears. She had to be keeping something bottled up and had finally reached her breaking point tonight.

"Thanks for texting me," he whispered as he gratefully looked at Cristina. "I can take it from here."

"You sure?" Lexie inquired in concern.

Meredith grabbed her sister's hand and began to lead her out of the room. "She's more likely to talk to him," the older Grey whispered. "Let's leave them alone."

Cristina followed Meredith and Lexie out of the room but she stopped in the doorway to leave Avery with some parting words. "You're a good guy, ya know, and you're good for her."

He smiled in amusement, "Thanks." He had never thought that he would get a compliment like that from the hardened cardio surgeon.

He took a deep breath as he waited to hear the front door close. When it finally did he calmly stepped towards the bathroom door.

Jackson slowly turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. He found April sitting on the edge of the bathtub, weeping. He quickly closed the door behind him and immediately knelt down in front of her.

"Hey," he began softly. "What's wrong?" She couldn't stop crying but he still couldn't get over how beautiful she looked. She was wearing a black, strapless dress and heels, and her hair was in curls. He placed a hand on her bare knee and rubbed soothing circles into her skin. "Come on; tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

She finally raised her head to look at him and managed a small smile. Even his voice made her feel better. "I'm a little surprised that you came."

He scooted even closer to her. "Of course I came." He knew that he would come running whenever she needed him, no matter where he was. He was just happy that she still needed him.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath. "I think there's something wrong with me."

"Don't be ridiculous," he huffed. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Has Peter said that there's something wrong with you?" He asked angrily.

"No," she shook her head. "I think that there's something wrong with me because…God, I…I…I shouldn't even be telling you this…"

He reached a hand up to caress her cheek. "April, you can tell me anything," he assured her.

"I can't orgasm," she mumbled.

His eyebrows rose in shock at what she was possibly telling him. "W-what?" He stuttered.

"Peter and I had sex for the first time a few nights ago and a few times since then and I can't orgasm," she told him in a clearer, stronger voice.

He noticed that she wasn't as intoxicated as he had been lead to believe but this topic was still clearly upsetting for her. "Never?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Never," she confirmed. "The first time was bad but since then it's been really nice, but I just can't!" She sighed in frustration and began to cry again. "I don't feel the same way that I did when I was with you and it really scares me."

Jackson shifted and bit down on his bottom lip. This wasn't exactly a conversation that he wanted to have. He didn't want to talk about her being with another guy. But at the same time, he felt a little smug about the fact that their sex life wasn't good. He was still the only man that had ever really satisfied her. "Well, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not the problem," he told her passionately. He knew first hand that she wasn't the problem. He gritted his teeth before he asked, "Have you talked to him about it?"

"No! God no! I can't!" She couldn't talk to Peter about that. He thought that there sex life was great and as soon as she brought it up, she knew that he would instantly start asking questions about Jackson.

"Maybe you're just thinking too much," he offered. "You need to relax more."

She found his hand on her knee and started to play with his fingers. He was so incredible and he kept coming to her rescue. It probably wasn't a good sign for her and Peter's future that the night of her bachelorette party she had needed to see Jackson. She had asked for him, not her fiancé.

"There could be another reason," he started quietly as he looked down at their entwined fingers. "It could be emotional. I mean, you really need to trust somebody to…ya know," he grinned as he shrugged, "I mean, I know that women need to anyway."

She trapped her bottom lip between her teeth as she met his gaze. "Yeah, I considered that," she admitted.

He placed a hand on her hip and leaned forward. He tucked her hair behind her ear with his other hand and whispered, "It's okay, April."

Both of her hands moved up his arms and across his shoulders. She slipped her fingers under the collar of his shirt and found the chain that he still wore, even after all of these years. "It's really not okay," she replied shakily. "It's not okay that I think about you while I'm making love to my fiancé. I'm afraid that I'm never going to feel as good when I'm with him as I do when I'm with you, and it's not just sex, it's everything. I am still so in love with you and I hate it. Things would be so much simpler if I wasn't."

She cradled his face in her hands and he smiled uncontrollably. So she did still love him, he was sure that his heart swelled a little bit. "I never stopped being in love with you, not even for a second. Loving you is the most natural thing I've ever done in my life."

He cupped the back of her skull as he captured her lips and she enthusiastically kissed him back. He broke their kiss only to stand up and lift her into his arms. They kissed as he carried her into the bedroom and gently laid her on the bed.

They both knew that they were getting swept up in the moment but they were powerless to stop it.

June 16th, 2016

April awoke in the middle of the night and it took her a moment to remember why she was naked and why there was a warm body behind her since she and Peter had decided to spend tonight apart. She was lying on her side and Jackson was completely pressed against her. One of his legs was thrown over hers and she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. His arm was around her waist and his hand was cupping her breast. She was completely trapped and there was no way that she would be able to get out of bed without waking him.

She tightly squeezed her eyes shut as she felt tears prick the back of her eyes. What had she done? She wasn't the kind of woman that cheated. She abhorred cheaters. She was a terrible, selfish person who was having trouble choosing. She had known better but she had wanted to be with Jackson. She still wanted to be with him. She had missed everything about him. She had missed the smell of his cologne and the warmth of his body. She had missed the way he kissed and caressed her body. She had missed the way that he cuddled her so protectively.

It had been incredible, and she had had an orgasm…two actually.

But she felt an overwhelming wave of guilt and she knew that she was on the verge of tears once again. She wriggled out of his grasp slipped out of bed. She pulled on his shirt before heading into the bathroom for a little privacy. She looked down at the ring on her left hand and began to cry. She couldn't hold it back any longer.

She was getting married, and she was getting married to a wonderful man.

Even if Peter wasn't in the picture, she and Jackson would still have a lot of things to figure out. They lived in two different cities and he had said that he was ready to get married, but was that really true?

She'd had strong feelings for him for as long as she could remember. She was still in love with him and she was trying her hardest not to be. She had no doubt that he loved her too. It was obvious. It was in his smile and his eyes. It was in the way that he interacted with her family and the way that he listened to all of her problems. She could tell by the way that he kissed and touched her. The way that he held her. He wanted to be the only guy in her life, the only man in her bed. But she was terrified to let him in again. She knew that she couldn't handle it if things between them didn't work out again.

The bathroom door slowly opened and Jackson stepped into the room in just his boxers. She quickly spun around so that her back was to him and furiously wiped the tears from her eyes.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked caringly as he placed his hands on her waist.

She splashed her face with water before she turned back around to face him and shook her head. "No, I'm not okay," she responded unsteadily.

He fully expected her to feel guilty about being with him while she was still engaged to Peter but he was going to help her work through it. "I know that you feel bad but what we have," he paused and laughed a little, "the God that I believe in understands. Even though our situation is shitty, it's beautiful."

She leaned back on the sink and hung her head in shame. "I'm so selfish."

"No, you're not," he argued. "In fact, you may be the least selfish person I know." She stayed silent for a very long time so he grabbed her hand and placed it over his heart. "April, look at me, please," he begged.

She laid her hand flat against his chest, to feel his beating heart, and finally met his gaze. "Jackson," she sighed. "I made him a promise."

"He'll be upset but I don't think he'll be surprised."

Her hand dropped to her side as she said, "He really loves me and I can't break my promise. I can't break anymore promises," she muttered.

He wrinkled his brow in confusion. He cleared this throat before he asked, "Do you still want to marry him?"

"It's not as simple as whether I want to or not," she responded quickly. Why couldn't anybody understand that this situation was so much more complicated than what she wanted?

"It is! It is for me! We haven't gone through all of this to not end up together," he argued with determination. "Anything less than spending the rest of my life with you isn't good enough for me anymore."

"I can't," she groaned in frustration. "I love you but I can't and I'm sorry!"

Jackson winced at her choice of words. That phrase was way too familiar to him, it had been on that terrible note that he had left her last year. "Yes, you can," he stated fiercely. He cradled her face and tilted her head upwards so that he could kiss her. "I love you, and he doesn't love you the way that I do and you know it, and you don't love him the way you love me." He kissed her again and smiled against her mouth when she grasped his biceps. "Let's go back to bed. We'll deal with this in the morning."

As hard as it was, she tore her mouth away from his and stepped away from him. "I need you to leave." He stared at her with large, sad eyes and it broke her heart. "Please."

Jackson took a step backwards and when she didn't stop him, he did as she asked.

April placed her hand over her mouth to contain a sob when he closed the bathroom door on his way out. She had achieved nothing; she was exactly back to where she had been earlier in the night. Crying in her bathroom over a man that she loved.

A/N: I know that some of you are going to hate this but I had this chapter planned out since the very beginning. The muse was unrelenting about this twist. So leave a review, even if it's a bad one! :)