Time and Time Again

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"Not knowing yourself means that you can be anything you want to be, right?"

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There had been a time when Hinamori Amu struggled with the idea of "accepting one's self." Her flaws made her seem incompetent, and when she found all her friends, all her peers and colleagues around her accept their would-be selves in a matter of years, while Ran, Miki, Suu, and Dia were right by her side, she wanted to crawl under a hole and live there for the rest of her life. Never did she ever feel so slow and undeveloped. Everyone around her was growing, was turning into an adult, and she was left behind. It wasn't, of course, their fault at all; her friends had accepted themselves. But that was the problem Amu found within herself—why couldn't she accept who she was, with all her flaws and imperfections, if everyone else could?

Another thought, however, had also stopped her.

Ran, Miki, Suu, and Dia—they had been with her for nearly two years; her fifth and sixth grade graduation. Everyone told her that her charas would forever be in her heart, but she never believed them. Would she be able to converse with them like she did? Could she still help the people with x-eggs? Could she character transform? But most of all, would she even be able to feel them?

Amu hadn't known, but one morning, just a day after her 7th grade graduation, her charas were gone, placed back into her heart where they once belonged.

:.:

When Amu woke that morning, the first thought in her mind was: Yes! Winter break! School had been a hellish nightmare lately, with all the homework she'd have piling up due just the day before her break. She realized, however, that she wasn't in much of a hot state herself—her bright, fuchsia hair was still looped into a ponytail from last night, but it hung limply around her shoulders. Her bangs were frizzed, like she had been boiling outside in the heat. Amu always hated her skin in the morning; ugh, it was such an ugly tone that she hated looking at herself, almost.

Amu quickly rinsed her face and brushed her teeth, quickly following by running a comb through her hair. She glanced at the clock hanging behind her in the bathroom, and with sudden determination, she set out picking her outfit for the day—a plain, white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and a plaid pea cot to top it all off. She piled her short hair around her shoulders, arranged her mini x accessories around her head, and with a stride that didn't match her confidence, she left her home, leaving a note for her mother that she was going outside.

Today was the day.

She was going to see Ikuto again.

She had to admit, high school had not been what at all she had expected. Once, just in the midst of her seventh grade year, she called Ikuto to ask him about homework, not having much high hopes that he could help her, but having no choice. After all, he had spent most of his senior year (and probably all his other years, too) of high school by skipping and sleeping his classes away. But what surprised her was that he did know the things she was having troubles with (her math and English), as if he had studied at home instead. In a strange, twisted way, she began to respect him. Not because he studied while he wasn't in school, but because he was thinking about his future. Like he cared.

Which Amu later found that of course he did. He cared about so much more things that Amu had, especially when he had been bound by Easter. He thought of his sister, his father, his mother, Tadase even.

But, most of all, he had also thought about her.

Amu smiled a bit lopsidedly as she traipsed through the city. It was nearly a year after Ikuto had visited Japan—had visited her—and his arrival always sent butterflies through her stomach. She remembered the first time he had come back, and how not much time had passed since he had first left. He came just in time for Nikaidou's and Sanjo's wedding, but she remembered going through The Road of Stars. She remembered seeing him as Yoru went back into his heart, because he had found himself. She remembered all the moments when she first changed from who she had been to who she was now. It was such a journey; she couldn't believe how much she had grown. And if she were being truthful with herself, she would say that without her friends, without Tadase or Rima or Ikuto or Utau she wouldn't be who she was today, even if she had her shugo charas. They were the reason for her growth, for her to move on—when Dia's egg had become an x-egg; when Tadase only liked Amulet Heart; when Rima taunted her with insults and snide comments. They all changed, just like Amu, and they had all accepted each other.

Amu slowed down her place as she neared the amusement park. The last time she checked, she was told that the construction was put on a brief hiatus. She could still see the bulldozers stand idle, piles of dirt and cement stacked on top of each other. Broken pieces of the rides were littered, and Amu felt something constrict in her throat. Not matter how much time passed, no matter what happened, Amu still considered this her special place—the only place between Ikuto and her. It was special. And though it was almost two and half years ago, she could still remember when she opened herself up to her enemy, when she told him about herself and when he told her about him. They were on the teacup rides, with Ikuto protruding like a giraffe, looking so much out of place yet so much in place at the same time.

"Still in construction, huh?"

She knew the voice before her mind could even process who it was. She felt it in her body; her shoulders, tense with memories, relaxed, and she let out a low, deep breath. Her palms, which felt sweaty and slick suddenly seemed cold, and she wiped them against her dark jeans. "I-Ikuto!" she exclaimed, and turned, almost tackling him with a hug. He squeezed back tightly, before releasing her and ruffling her articulately combed hair.

"Hey, Amu." He smiled, one of those soft, rare ones that he only reserved for her. Amu could feel her cheeks heating up.

"Hi," she replied sheepishly as he stared at her. Amu turned her gaze towards the construction site, and once again felt something rise in her throat.

It was times like these between them that Amu found the most comfortable. Lately talking hadn't been how they bonded, though they chatted a lot, mostly about his adventures and Amu's life in Japan. But there were also calm, easy silences between them that seemed to speak a thousand words than what they said; it was like they could sense emotions and thoughts of each other just by standing next to each other.

But, for now, Amu wanted nothing more than to talk. She wanted her mind off things. She wanted to chat, to erase the beautiful memories that seemed to be resurfacing in her mind and that set off the sobs in her throat and the tears in her eyes. And though she'd admit it to no one but him, Amu wished, for just one moment, that she could go back in time from when she was in sixth grade. When there were bazillions of x-eggs, when Ikuto was bound, when she had troubles. But it wasn't because she wanted bad adversity on anyone, she just wanted to go back to the times when it felt like she had a purpose. She had faced so many troubles along the way, learned so many new things, found love, in both friendship and life; she found a goal. And now that there were no more x-eggs, no more troubles, what was her job? What was she supposed to do? It was a question that was eating at her like cancer, and she wanted nothing more than to find the answer.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Ikuto spoke quietly from beside her. "Amu," he said, his eyes trained on the demolishing amusement park in front of him. "How are your eggs?"

Her eggs.

There was something she was so tired of thinking about, and that was her eggs. How they had disappeared one morning, leaving without a trace or without a goodbye. But now that time had passed, like it always did, she had come to a conclusion—they had returned back to her heart. She had found her would-be self, even if it didn't feel like it at all. "They returned," Amu said quietly, and placed a hand lightly over her heart. "right here."

And now that she said it, had really said it aloud to someone, there was almost no denying that it wasn't true. She could feel something within herself, like those sparkling shards she had held in The Road of Stars—something glittering and precious and real inside of her. For so long, she had contemplated over her charas, and though she never really said it aloud to anyone, she could tell that all her friends knew that her guardians were gone. She had been so scared at first, but slowly she felt herself loosen, like a tightly bound violin string beginning to let go after being taunt for long. And now, when she really admitted it, she felt herself almost going free, like she had lifted a burden as great as a mountain off her shoulders.

"You feel that, don't you?" Ikuto said softly, and she watched as his fingers touched gently to hers. "This thing inside you. They're there, Amu. They never go away."

She saw herself then, almost as if she were looking into a mirror. She went inside of her herself, inside her heart, if only for a moment, and then she saw them—Ran, Miki, Suu, and Dia. They were there, as if they were power-charging her heart, urging her to go on from within. And their voices, calm and ecstatic, loud and soft, echoed from around her: "You can do it, Amu! We're right here with you! Always believe in yourself!"

And for what seemed like a second felt like an hour, she could feel the tears of happiness leak down her cheeks. She got to see her charas again. She got to see who she was, even if she didn't have the slightest clue to what she wanted to be, but that didn't matter, did it? It never had. It had always been on the inside, in her heart. It had always been that she should accept herself for who she was, and without realizing it, Amu realized that she had done this so long ago, but was so scared to admit it. But she had, and those times when she felt like the slow, underdeveloped kid were only the feelings she had told herself, when on the inside she really had known who she was.

"I want to challenge myself and do new things," she told Ikuto, seemingly out of nowhere. But he was listening—he always did. "I don't know what it's like to be my true self. But it's more interesting that way."

"Even if you don't know yourself?" he asked. Everything Amu said or did surprised him; he never expected anything from her. He had stopped trying long ago. The moment when he thought she would break down and cry, she didn't—instead, she raised her chin high, set her shoulders, and her eyes glittered with determination.

"Not knowing yourself means that you can be anything you want to be, right?" She smiled cheekily at him, showing her wonderful teeth and that beautiful smile. It was these moments when he found her so beautiful, not because she had golden eyes or such full cheeks, but because she just was. Because she saw sides of people who he could have never seen. Because she saw differently than the people around her. Because she never gave up. Because she loved and helped everyone. Because she saw through him when no one else could, when his world was dark and she was the light. It was all these reasons and so many more that made his heart beat faster and his mind tried to wrap around how this girl was so understanding, so glorious. If it were him, he wouldn't have thought of what she just said—he always thought of himself as "lost," that if one couldn't find his own would-be self than he would be walking around in circles, never finding a solution to an ongoing problem. But he would have never discovered that there were so many other methods and formulas to reach this one "solution," and that one didn't have to focus on this obstacle blocking his life. He could waltz around it, enjoy himself to the fullest and could be satisfied with what he had. And then, when the time came, he would be prepared. He would fight back, he would dig down within himself to find the answer.

If it weren't for her, he would have never realized these things.

"I think," she continued, and Ikuto listened silently: "that when our charas go back inside our hearts, we'll always feel them. They'll always be there, cheering for us and moving us on. And it might not necessarily mean that we have found our would-be selves, but more like we've accepted who we are, with all our flaws and all our imperfections. That we don't judge ourselves anymore, not like before. We might still feel self-conscious and find ourselves a bit less self-confident without our charas by our sides, but I think that's all part of finding ourselves—after all, we can't rely on them all our life. Them returning to our hearts is only the first step in a series of trials. But the next are so much more personal, going so deep that it doesn't even involve our charas, but only ourselves."

Amu stayed quiet after that. She had a feeling that Ikuto had no idea what to say, and for a moment she didn't either. Had she ever said something that deep? Aside from her speech to Gozen so long ago, she didn't think so, but these thoughts had always been lurking inside of her, begging her to be spoken. After a moment she blushed and shook her head, stuffing her hands in her pockets. "I-I don't even know if that made sense."

"It did," Ikuto replied from beside her. "You're right, about everything. But I think we aren't able to put these feelings into words." He placed a hand lightly over his chest and closed his eyes. "I can still feel Yoru here. All his nya's, and catnip obsession conversations. When I'm in a struggle, he helps me. And if I concentrate really hard, I can go within myself and talk to him. It's almost like . . . magic."

Instead of touching her heart, Amu reached for her Humpty Lock. The last time she'd used it was with Ikuto, and ever since then, she hadn't felt a use for it. It was so powerful, almost like magic, just as Ikuto said, and she couldn't bring herself to extravagant herself with it. But she fingered the shining hearts circling the lock, and for a moment she wondered what would happen if Ikuto's Dumpty Key inserted into her lock again. Would she still turn into Amulet Fortune now that her characters were gone?

But perhaps not knowing was best. She didn't know who she was, but still she went through so much and had learned so much. She gained and lost, she won and she was defeated—but was anything just a game? Wasn't it life, where you went through things like this? She found so much, herself and her friends, and she found Ikuto. These were all her happy endings, all her sad ones, and yet everyone seemed to be happy. Everything had ended, but that was only the beginning. She had just finished a chapter in her book, not the whole novel; Amu had so much more to complete. She had so much more to do and become, so much more to learn and give.

And though everything seemed to be ending, she knew it was only the beginning.

Nodding, Amu couldn't help the smile that lighted her face. Her beginning was coming. She would just have to wait.

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fin.

a/n: I was actually reading a few of the last chapters of shugo chara, and I got inspired to write this. I mean, I've always neglected adding the guardian characters to any of my stories, and I hate that. Like, a lot. And though I should say that "Now I'll them to my future stories," but the problem is that there may not be another shugo chara story from me for this fandom. I think it may be time that I ended it for good. Maybe the occasionally one-shot (not songfic because I'm starting to hate those) but no more stories. So after I finish DS, I may leave sc for a long time. It's just not the same anymore. All those previous, talented authors are gone, and I seem like I'm so alone.

right. so. um.

that conversation Amu had with Ikuto? it's purely friendship/hurt/comfort. not romance, sorry. she's still young in this one, not twenty-something or in her teens. and the part where they're talking about her would be selves ... i don't know if it sounds familiar or not, but it's actually a conversation from the manga. i just don't know who it's between. and most of this one-shot reflects my feelings on would-be selves and charas, so, uh. yeah.

But, hell, can you believe it? It's almost 2 years since the anime/manga ended. and I still miss it. Idk why.

review? :D