Chapter 11
A.n; Okay so I know I haven't updated in forever, I'm really sorry about that. But I noticed the lack of reviews and I gotta admit it can kinda be uninspiring. I need some inspiration so please help!
She didn't even think about it, not this part anyway, but the events that had led to this part? Oh yeah, She had thought about those, mulled them over and damn well obsessed about them. She had done nothing but think about it for the past twenty hours. After leaving Nathan's yesterday she had headed straight home. She had been ready for that heart to heart with her best friend, well at least the beginning of one. She hadn't thought that she was up to the heavy stuff just yet but she was ready to talk to her. She had been met by a note on the mantel scribbled in Brooke's neat scrawl informing her that she was she was flying over to Milan for a couple of nights. Milan? Brooke usually let Millie fly out for the shows that were out of the country so why would she fly out for this one? She immediately dialled her number sensing that something wasn't right all the while scrambling her brain trying to remember how her best friend had seemed last night. She had been fine, well except for the stuff about Chase. But everything else had been just fine.
She cursed softly when her phone immediately went into voicemail, so she left a message and asked her if she was okay, told her she was worried about her and asked her to call her as soon as she could. Next she called Owen and who also didn't answer his phone. She gave up after it rang for the fourth time. She tried Chase next and frowned when he didn't pick up. That was weird. Chase always answered her calls, always! She shrugged and decided that maybe she would call him later. She couldn't expect him to always be there for her. He had his own life to live, his own problems to deal with. She had just been too wrapped up in herself to notice.
She decided to go for a walk, to clear her head, with the hope that when she got back Brooke would at least have called and she would at least have some form of idea about what she was going to do with her life next. It turned out to be the worst idea that she had ever had, but then again what else was new when it came to her these days. Lately she had been an endless source of bad ideas.
She hadn't realised how many memories she and Lucas had made here. Every time she turned around she'd remember something she and Lucas had done, or a moment they'd shared. Some good...very good, and some bad...really bad. It got to a point where she couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't breathe. Memories were attacking her from all directions and she was drowning in them. She hated the fact that the one place that had been her home ever since she was born was now associated with pain. She loved it here. This is where she grew up, where she had memories with her mom, although even those good memories of her were being overshadowed by the bad ones of her death. Oh for fuck's sake, was there a nook or cranny in this forsaken town that wouldn't reduce her to tears? Even she had had enough! No more!
She didn't even know how she ended up in the stupid cafe. It was probably one of those girly instincts, that when you are upset you head for the one place that can provide you with comfort food. And in this case it was the cafe. Brooke had brought her here the other day for lunch which she hadn't even eaten if she remembered well. She had said this was the 'new' Karen's cafe. Apparently they had the best chocolate cake, and right now she needed chocolate, in any form, and loads of it!
The woman in the counter smiled at her and Peyton didn't have the energy to smile back at her. What the hell was she so happy about this early in the morning anyway? She was so busy scowling and berating herself that she didn't even notice him till he barrelled straight into her nearly sending her toppling over.
'Whooff.' She felt all air leaving her as she tried to scramble for balance but she could barely move as her feet were tangled in a tight hold.
'What the...Jamie?' she blinked rapidly blinking away any trace of her tears.
'Aunt Peyton!' he looked up at her adoringly giving her that toothless smile that she loved so much. He still loved her no matter what she had done. She was still his favourite aunt Peyton.
Oh how he loved the little boy who looked way too much like his uncle for his own good.
'What are you doing here little man?' she crouched down to his level and smiled at him. Him she could manage to smile for, he was worth it.
'Momma and me and Uncle Luke and Lindsey are here for breakfast.' he said innocently. He eyes immediately looked behind him, her eyes landing on the three adults who were starring at her from the corner. Shit! Just what she needed (!) They were starring at her, and suddenly she had the strongest urge to turn and run and hide. There was too much hate directed at her. But when they saw that she was now starring back at them they looked away, suddenly finding their coffees very interesting. Pftt did they think that she wanted to meet them? Hell no! She'd rather turn around right now and leave, and not because she was scared of them either. That ship had sailed just about ten seconds ago. They clearly hated her, and she didn't even want to try and work things out with any of them, not even Haley who had made it more than perfectly clear that she didn't want to be a part of her life anymore and that was just fine with her. She was tired of fighting to be a part of people's life who didn't want her. She was done. With Lucas too! But that didn't mean that seeing him looking all happy and married didn't hurt. It was like her heart was being ripped apart, a feeling she was getting used to but wasn't hurting any less.
But right now right this moment, she wasn't going to cause a scene, or fall apart although she suspected that's what they expected of her. She wouldn't give them the satisfaction. She would maintain some semblance of dignity even if it killed her.
So she straightened up, held her head up high and pushed back her shoulders and made her way to their table with Jamie in tow. She didn't bother with the smile though, that would have been taking things too far.
But she couldn't help the way her heart was thundering loudly in her chest, and her knees were shaking. Sure she had given herself a pep talk but it would take more than a few minutes to take effect. She was nervous that was for sure!
'Hey.' She said quietly. She didn't fail to notice the way they all starred at her, and she just wanted to get this over and done with. Her eyes settled on Lindsey. She was the lesser of three evils. It was Funny how two weeks ago she was the only evil.
She didn't want to see the disapproving look on Haley's face, the face that used to belong to one of her best friends, and the face that used to welcome her no matter what. But she supposed she couldn't exactly blame her could she? Lucas had been her best friend ever since they were two years old so it was only natural that she would take his side. Peyton had only been a girl who had just come along later in her life, and let's face it; she was only there because of Lucas. She had just hoped that their years of friendship would be enough for her not to pick sides or at the very least give her the benefit of the doubt. But sadly it hadn't been.
'Hey.' A deeper voice of all three was saying. A voice that she knew so well, but barely recognised anymore. She had to fight every fibre of her being not to turn around and look at him. Oh how she wanted to look at his face, just one more time. But she knew that if she laid her eyes on him, her resolve not to fall apart would go out the window. So she busied herself with Jamie's hair instead. She was afraid that she would end up crumbling and falling apart, Making an even bigger fool of herself than she already had, if that was even possible. These people already had a low enough opinion of her as it was.
'How have you guys been?' what the hell? Was she serious? She didn't even need to look up to know what they were thinking. Was she for real right now? Did she even care? Truth? Yeah, she did. About all of them, Lindsey included because as much as it hurt her, Lucas loved her, and she loved Lucas. Boy did she ever. But they didn't want to hear that and if she was honest, she didn't want to tell them either.
'We've been good, really good.' Lindsey said snapping her back into the conversation, gazing at her husband adoringly forcing Peyton's gaze to finally land on him. Her heart skidded over. Dammit! He was beautiful, just as beautiful as she remembered him. And she missed him...a lot. Their eyes connected, just for a second, but that was all it took. It was as if everything around her froze, her heart jumped into her throat and she couldn't breathe. She wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek, and kiss him, and tell him that she missed him, and how much she loved him. But he turned away and kissed Lindsey lightly on the lips. He could have scooped up her broken heart and smashed it all over again. That would have hurt less. She took a deep breath and schooled her features not intending to show any emotion whatsoever.
Then she did the strangest thing, she smiled. She felt like she was stretching her face in directions it was s not supposed to go. They all looked at her strangely, and Haley's face also had suspicion added to it.
'How have you been?' she said suspiciously raising her neatly plucked eyebrow at her.
'I've been great.' She lied smoothly without skipping a beat. Another neatly plucked eyebrow shot up. Peyton folded her hands across her chest and raised hers defiantly. She had been feeling like crap and they all knew that, Especially Haley. She was being a bitch. What did she think Peyton would do? Admit that on some days she barely got out of bed coz she didn't have the strength? How about the fact that lately she had been struggling to find anything worth living for? Hell would freeze over before she told her that.
An uncomfortable silence followed with Haley and Peyton starring at each other tensely. You could practically cut it with the bluntest knife available.
'Do you wanna join us?' Lindsey offered politely. Everyone swivelled towards her as if she had lost her mind. She just shrugged not looking at any of them. Peyton had to hand it to her. She knew perfectly well that the other woman didn't want to extend the invitation, but she had to do something to diffuse the awkward tension, only she would definitely make things worse if she accepted. That didn't mean that she didn't appreciate the gesture none the less, so she smiled at her genuinely and politely declined saying that she had to go anyway. Lindsey smiled back, what Peyton thought was a genuine smile. If you had told a couple of hours ago that she and Lindsey would be allies, well of some sort? Well she would have probably punched you in the face. But here they were. Surprising how things turned out.
Just then the waitress called her order up and she had never been so grateful for anything in her life!
'Right then, that's me!' she said cheerfully, too cheerful. But she didn't care, she was leaving! She spun around so quickly that she didn't have time to look where she was going and collided with a solid body.
'Whoa, you okay?' he asked steadying her.
'Daddy!' in an instant Jamie was beside them again and Nathan let go of Peyton to scoop up his son but his eyes never left hers.
Images of last night flashed in her head like a slideshow and she couldn't shut them out. She shut her eyes and broke the eye contact.
'Hey buddy.' She could hear him saying, a smile in his voice.
When she opened them again they landed on Haley who had stiffened up so much that you could easily have snapped her in two. Her lips straightened into a thin white line.
'Nathan.' She said curtly. Peyton didn't miss the shadow that passed over her eyes, and the pain in Nathan's was there for all to see.
'Haley.' He said trying to reign in his emotions.
Seeing her sitting there, looking more beautiful than he had ever seen her, his heart lurched, and swelling with his love for her.
He missed her, he wanted to take her in his arms and take her home, their home, where they belonged, together as a family. But her eyes, her stance told him that she would rather castrate him rather see that happen. He pulled his son closer hugging him tightly till Jamie began to squirm.
'Daddy I can't breathe' Nathan chuckled lightly letting him down.
'I just miss you little man that's all.'
'I miss you too daddy.' Jamie said sadly and for the first time in a long time in his adult life Nathan wanted to burst into tears.
'I know buddy.' He said casting Haley an accusing look.
'Can we hang out today? Please daddy, I'll be really good. I promise.' The little boy pleaded. Haley started shaking her head even before Jamie finished talking.
'I don't think that's a good idea, Jamie. Daddy is very busy at the moment.' She looked at Nathan sternly warning him to back her up or else.
'Please daddy, you won't even know I'm there.' Jamie pleaded his eyes glistening with tears.
'Jamie!' Haley reprimanded firmly making him jump. He hung his head low tears streaming down his face and he went to his uncle Luke who took him in his arms.
'Haley.' Lucas warned softly. He loved his friend, he did. But she was doing it again, using Jamie in her fight with Nathan. She was so blinded by her rage at him that she didn't realise what she was doing to her son. He missed his dad.
'Stay out of it Luke!' she ground out through clenched teeth her gaze fixed firmly on her husband, well ex.
Luke sighed and just rubbed Jamie's back, comforting him. They really needed to talk, to give Haley some dose of reality check, but not here, not now. There was no need to add fuel to an already explosive situation.
Peyton was about to back away slowly and she was sure that the way things were at the moment she could have easily slipped out and she wouldn't have been noticed. But then she saw Nathan's face, all stony and stormy, the vein in his head jutting out prominently.
A wave of emotions was churning through Nathan, make that a tornado. He was mad! Make that furious! He wanted to smash something just to get the satisfaction of having it shatter into pieces just like his heart had. His son somehow had the idea that his father didn't want to spend time with him. And that was not on. At first he had let the fact that she wanted him to stay away from Jamie go coz he had thought that she needed time to deal with the changes in their lives. Hell they all did. But this was getting ridiculous. He missed his son and by the look on his face Jamie clearly missed him too. He knew from experience that every boy needed his father. He and his brother knew that better than anyone.
He understood that she was angry. Hell he was angry too. His whole life had just seemed to have gone to the crapper within the past few weeks. He was divorced at twenty two and his son already thought that he was too busy for him. Growing up with Dan he had sworn that his children would never ever have cause to doubt his love for them.
What he didn't understand anymore was why she was still angry. The more he thought about it the more confused he became. They had been through worse things than this. But it was like suddenly she had just exploded! He had been stupid to think that for some stupid reason they would work it out, that they belonged together, but obviously not. But he had hoped that they would at least work things out for their boy's sake. Jamie didn't have to suffer for his parent's mistake.
No one was going to keep him away from his son, not even his own wife - wait, make that ex-wife.
He crouched down next to Lucas till Jamie was facing him.
'You know what buddy? I am never too busy for you.' he said briefly casting a death glare Haley's way.
'Really?' Jamie said hopefully but hesitantly.
' Yeah.' Nathan smiled at his son reassuringly.
'Does that mean I can hang out with you today?'
'You betcha.'
'Really? Can I spend time with you other times too?' He said hopefully looking between his parents.
'Yeah, anytime you want buddy.'
Jamie leapt at his father happily. Nathan caught him with great ease.
'Can I momma?' Everybody turned to face Haley, waiting for her reaction. Nathan in turn was glaring at her showing her that he meant business. If she wanted to prevent them from spending time together she would have to explain to his son exactly why he couldn't spend time with his father and not use his busy schedule as an excuse.
She had no choice but to nod.
'Okay then we are gonna go. See you guys later.'
He had barely taken five steps with Jamie in his arms and sawyer right behind him, He had forgotten that she was there; when Haley shot out of her chair.
'Nathan!' he sighed, clenching his teeth, struggling for control. He turned slowly and faced her when he was sure that he had his emotions under control, just barely.
He raised his eyebrows at her, waiting for her to speak.
'Can I have a word?' he still didn't move. 'Privately.' She ground out walking outside not waiting to see if he was going to follow.
'Jaime hunnie why don't you go with aunt Peyton?' He handed his son over to her.
'Come on buddy.' She took his hand passing Haley and leading him out of the diner.
Nathan and Haley followed. He waited till Peyton and Jamie were out of ear shot before he turned and faced Haley irritation blatant in his face.
'What do you want Haley?' it probably came out harsher than he intended but he was exhausted and frustrated and all the other emotions the universe seemed to be throwing at him.
'What the hell was that?' she said angrily. He didn't even bat an eyelash at her tone.
'You are gonna have to be a little more specific.'
'You, blind sighting me with the whole Jamie thing? What the hell was that?' Nathan had to struggle to hold on to his temper.
'I should be asking you that. You have Jamie believing that I'm too busy to spend time with him? Really Haley? When did you start being so petty?'
Haley looked away guilty, a red tinge creeping up her neck and spreading on her cheeks. She was angry, she was beyond furious, he could tell, but he couldn't bring himself to care anymore.
'It's just confusing for him right now.' She defended.
'Of course it is Haley, his parents just split up...'
'Yeah and shuffling him around isn't going to help.'
'Its not shuffling him around Haley, its making sure that things stay as normal as they could in this kinda situation, with both his parents in his life. You think cutting him off from his father is going to help?'
'I did not cut him off!'
'No you just make sure that he is not available every time I wanna see him, and you always make excuses! I'm his father Haley for Pete's sake!'
'You think I don't know that?' she yelled tears streaming down her cheeks. Any other time those tears would have affected him but right now he was too angry to care. 'You think it's easy when he asks for you every time, or when I look at him and I see your smile in his eyes Nathan, it's not.'
'Yeah but that's not his fault is it? This doesn't have to be difficult Haley; we can deal with this amicably as adults. We are smart people. We can do this ourselves without involving authorities.' He said quietly and stonily.
Haley paled, her face losing all colour. 'Are you threatening me...you wouldn't?' she stammered furiously.
'I'm saying don't make me fight for him, coz I'll do what I have to. He is my son too, I have as much right to him as you, and I shouldn't have to fight to spend time with him.' He said coldly, his eyes glazed over with anger. She had never seen him so cold.
'You just like your father.' She said venomously.
He just smirked maliciously. 'You know what they say, like father like son.' He stepped past her and walked off.
Haley gasped in horror, taking a deep breath. She scrambled and grabbed onto the wall as her knees gave in. Instantly Lindsey was besides her helping her up.
'What happened?' Lucas was asking. She could only shake her head tears streaming down her cheeks as she watched her son disappear around the corner with his father, and he looked happier than she had seen him in weeks.
You're looking better more than ever I won't know just when you faded
oh, how can it be?
I'm feelin *****ty from the pity I've been giving me.
I'm getting emails from my friends
all saying "What's the deal? You can't just act normal like it never happened"
I took your toothbrush off the sink and then I put it back
I rearranged the closets manics swinging from the racks?
I've always hated that your shoes smell like tennis balls
but now I kinda really miss it...
Count the times how long I waited for this moment to arrive
I push you away
I push you away
I push you away
Now You're gone
You're Gone
AN: I enjoyed writing this chapter, hope you guys enjoy it too. I know Nathan is cold, but he is just standing up for himself and the only thing he's got left that he loves and I think it's about time too. And the old Peyton is slowly coming back. Yet!
Please review. It's much more fun to write when u know what people think about what you wrote.
Oh yeah, song lyrics are in italics.